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In the Name of God بسم الله


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About Abu-Dina

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  • Birthday 08/23/1978

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  1. Sorry brother but it's not "This Book" it's actually "That Book" so it remains a mystery which book the Quran is referring to. Something to think about.
  2. Not the easiest of options when there are kids involved.
  3. I respectfully disagree. The girl that you marry might turn out to be a total nightmare to live with so how on earth do you learn to "love" a back biting, conniving and worst of all a disrespectful partner?!
  4. Yea, I do indulge in a bit of euphemism every so often :shifty:
  5. Your signature is very interesting. My mum would agree with you but I doubt my partner would ever get it. She's just not that type of person. Every time we went round in full circle and she would blame me for her misery for my lack of love and affection I would apologise for my coldness towards her and tell her to take care of herself and ignore me if I'm that bad. I lost count of the times I advised her to play sport, to do something useful, to get a hobby, to do something better than just watching trash on TV (Jeremy Kyle show as an example) and reading ferfesh.com or the gossip on the Daily Mail website). For someone who graduated in Chemistry I don't recall seeing her read one scientific magazine or show any interest in the subject. Basically all my advice, all my suggestions were simply ignored and we always go back to how I treat her (i.e. love etc...) The sad thing is, it took this kind of drama for her to realise this as that's what she told me last night. So for ally efforts all these years trying to resolve her problem, she's ended up choosing to do what I've said all along. But she has lost me as a friend forever. Silly person.
  6. If she has, she would probably blame it on me! Anyway, mental issues or whatever it is, as far as I'm concerned it's too late now.
  7. Wise words but I fear it's too little too late. I'm trying to look on the bright side here. This drama has really opened my eyes and made me realise the kind of person I am married to. I may have been a right [insert expletive] when it comes to showing love and affection. However, there was another side of me that did what very many many husbands would not do. Clearly that wasn't enough for her. Anyway, as I keep repeating over and over, what's done is done and there is nothing she or I can do to undo the damage. The priority now is our kids. They must be allowed to have a normal childhood to prepare them for a stable and bright adulthood. For me, the pain is as raw as it was on the day of the incident but I am finding solace in reading the Quran. The book that I have neglected for so long! Paradoxically, for all that I have lost, I feel I may have gained infinitely more by discovering where my true comfort lies!
  8. In my initial post I mentioned that both of us come from broken families. However, if you were to compare the behaviour of her mum and dad to mine you will perhaps begin to understand how we're so different and perhaps should never have gotten together in the first place. We are simply on different wave lengths, always have been always will be. From the stories she and her mother told me (incidentally her mother is from the same tribe as mine), her father always involved the children in their endless family disputes. I still remember the stories my wife told me about the times when her father threw out the entire family in the street, made them get out of the car and drove off on another occasion etc...etc.... On the other hand, my parents kept their problems private and NEVER EVER got me or my sister involved EVER! In fact to this day and after 15 years since they separated neither one has ever told me anything and I have never asked them about their problems. They kept their problems private without anyone knowing. To this day when I'm on the phone to my mother she reminds me to keep in touch with my dad because it's my religious duty and no matter what went on between them he's still my father. Also I have never heard my dad say one bad word about my mum in front of anyone ever. So I guess I come from a household where marriage confidentiality is sacred but she comes from a background where her family issues were regularly the topic of the week! So based on my upbringing, I KNOW that I will not 1) get the kids involved 2) tell them the whole story when the day comes for me to be free from this person they call their mum. I think I will have to come up with a generic excuse on that day but I guess I we'll just have to cross that bridge when we get there.
  9. In hindsight I should have done. But I was in a disadvantaged position being in the driver seat and once I took the punch in the eye and my kids were there I couldn't really do much after that. I am an IT consultant by profession. I have never been in trouble with the law. My worst offence to date is driving the car on a pavement and having to pay £80 for a driver awareness course!! I am totally against violence. To get a criminal record for me is worse than having a bruised eye for a week. The kids will grow up and they will be told the truth no doubt. My sadness however is the next 17 years but I hope the kids will make this time pass easier for me.
  10. Thank you for your kind words. Envy, jealousy or whatever word you want to use is real I would never deny it. It's in the Quran so how could I? However, in this instance I don't believe that this is what caused the problem. As I said before and I will say it again, it takes two to tango. We both contributed to this problem. I am the first to hold my hand up and admit to my "many" faults. I did not come here looking for sympathy or some kind words to reassure me that I had no part in this drama. What's done is done and as far as I'm concerned I am going to be treating this as a prison sentence of 17 years. As soon as my youngest turns 18 I will not spend a moment longer with this person. This sounds bad, really bad but I have zero trust for the kind of person who does this kind of thing. As far as I'm concerned, a woman who neither respects her husband or even takes his advice, someone who created problems between herself and her brothers' wives. Someone who listens to no advice but her own is a lost cause. I have been foolish all these years "pretending" that ALL the problems she has had with other people were never her fault. Now I realise the kind of person I am married to. Love or no love, that is not the behaviour of a decent person. And anyway if I couldn't love her before, I can't even comprehend how I'm going to do it it now. My number one priority from now on is the kids. As far as I'm concerned, our "film" our "drama" is well and truly over. From now on I want to ensure that the kids live a dream rather than a nightmare. In fact, from now on, my only conversations with her will have to be about the kids or the household. Nothing more nothing less. The kids don't need to see mum and dad hugging and kissing to be normal kids. On the other hand, I don't expect the kids to be normal if they witness their mum and dad fighting and arguing all the time. I will ensure that neither of these things happen As a well known idiom goes, You've made your own bed. Well each one of us made their own bed and now we'll have to lie in it. Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope my 17 year prison sentence is as painless as possible!
  11. Salam all, Let me thank you all for your input. It must have been torturous to read my long post! Please note that rarely we argued in front of the kids. And there was never an physical abuse on my part. A few nasty words said in the worst moments but it came from both sides and these again were very rare. To the last moment when I was out with my kids that Wednesday they looked like the happiest kids in the park. Of course there was no way I could have told you every minute detail in the "drama" but as a reasonable person I am the first to hold up my hand and admit to my fault. Bear in mind that I had apologies to my wife countless times for my lack of affection (the way she wanted). As I said before, although the bridge of love and affection was barely standing between us all these years, there were other bridges that stood firm throughout the years. I have always been a strong pillar of support in her darkest moments when her entire family stood against her. I supported and stood by her when I knew deep down she was in the wrong and her actions could have destroyed other families. I'm not going to go searching in the dustbins of history trying to find an excuse. What I have done to her is unfair and truth be told, when I gave a her a fraction of what she wanted she treated me 10 times better than I did. Having said that, I do believe that you can't clap with one hand and as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. I am responsible for playing my part in this drama but there were other indications which suggest that her motives in these events were not as genuine as she has made them them out to be. For example, suppose I told you that after I had stormed out of the house that evening and within half hour, a text message appeared in my phone saying "Why are you upset, isn't this what you wanted in the first place?" What would you people think? If anyone saw that they would think that I should be happy after leaving as that's what I had told the person who texted me before. Well this text message wasn't sent to me but was sent to her!!! but thanks to God I believe her plan was exposed as I found this text message on her ipad and the timestamp confirms that it was sent at least 30 minutes AFTER I had left the house. So when I look back and think of her opening words of "wanting to resolve the problem", a problem that included some extremely private things that I had not even dared to tell her about it in all these years for fear of upsetting her!!! Yet the text message exposed a truth that in fact by breaking the number one rule which was sharing our problem outside she knew how I would react and that's exactly the reaction she wanted from me. I am convinced that she was the main driver in her plan but once I had left she became the passenger and was taken a long for this long ride that led to this outcome. I could be wrong who knows but as far as I'm concerned I don't feel like I can trust her again. She use to say I'm her best friend (even though I didn't show affection) I listened to her, I advised her. When she worked in the arabic school on saturdays she would be out all day at school with the kids. When she came home the house was spotless, all the clothes were washed and dried, the food was cooked and I'd be sat waiting for her. This happened every Saturday for months. She was like a queen, coming home, putting her feet up and texting / talking on the phone to her friends. This of course was all forgotten as I'm such a bad husband, I'm such an evil abuser! We are now back together trying to remain civilised and make sure that the kids don't suffer because of our problems, but what's shocking is that she didn't even apologise for her part in this drama. However, I did apologise. I really can't see a light at the end of the tunnel in terms of our relationship. Too many red lines have been crossed and I simply cannot trust her let alone attempt to love her. Please pray for both of us. I made a promise to Allah that I will never allow the kids to suffer because of this as they have done nothing wrong. But for me no matter how selfish I have been with my feelings, I never betrayed her. Never gave her up even when I knew she was in the wrong. I even lied in front of a Sheik's wife when I defended her after my wife had created a problem talking about the Sheik buying a house even though he lived on benefits etc.... I sacrificed my career, my IT future by applying for any IT job so that she can be close to her family. I feel all of this has meant nothing to her because apparently I have been emotionally abusing her for 10 years! Anyway, I pray to God to help us and calm our hearts and souls, if not for us then for the sake of our 3 lovely kids. Forgive me and I thank you all for your comments, the helpful and the not so helpful ones!
  12. Salam all, Please forgive me in advance if this post is going to be long but I would really like to know other people's opinion regarding the below and at the same time let off some steam because I'm sat here at work trying really hard to concentrate on my job but my mind can't stop thinking about the events that took place over the last week or so. I married my wife in June 2005 so we're close to our 10 years anniversary. unfortunately our time together hasn't been perfect as we've had many issues the worst was in 2006 when we almost separated barely 1 year into the marriage. However, there were some good times also and all in all our life has been steadily heading in the right direction. We have 3 kids, the youngest born in December last year. We have the house, the cars, she has her family within 2 miles, alhamdullah all in all people from the outside would probably envy us for what we've got. We both come from broken families - both our parents are separated. On both sides our fathers were too selfish to think about anyone but themselves. For me I grew up away from both parents until I was 13 and that only lasted until I was 18 when I left for Uni and that was the last time I lived with my parents who separated in 2001. However, I am on good terms with both. Her parents are also separated but she has no relationship with her dad. I am not the perfect husband, who is?! But my biggest fault and this is really bad to admit, I've always struggled with my feelings. I can honestly say that the only true love I have felt towards anyone are my three kids. No matter who I've lived with, my grandparents, my mum and dad, anyone I never felt close, call it what you want but that's just me. Unfortunately my wife also experienced this from me and that has always been our problem. She is always asking, why don't you love?, why don't you buy me presents why. I know I'm bad and I don't do these things but I do lots of other things that do show that I care. I've stood by her when even her own family including her mum turned against her. I was there for every birth for every moment. I was there on countless occasions but when it comes to showing my emotions I really struggle. Because of this we seem to go round in circles, every 6-12 months we have the same issue of you don't love me you don't care about me. It got so bad 3 years ago that I said to her in front of her mum that look if I am such a bad person then leave me! Her mum was socked but all she did was turn round to her and say that this is what the man says so decide. She stayed but again the same thing happens over and over again. I know I've been selfish with my emotions (wallah unintentional I didn't hate her) but I did so many other things that are not the actions of a bad person. I gave her freedom, she could go out she had her car. I never questioned her about money (she was good with it anyway), I always listened to her. But I always felt that she disrespected me, not all the time though. But she doesn't listen. A million times I told her not to expose family problems outside. Never every show your weakness to others especially family issues but she just doesn't listen. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago I got really pissed off with her for not really doing anything in the house even though I was out at work all day, she didn't listen to me and by then I just gave up. If I say something to her she will understand it her own way then tell me that this is what I said! She put words in my mouth! So whatever she understood because what I said! I found it impossible to talk to her so I just gave up and ignored her on and off for two weeks. Into the second week she once again broke the advice that I had given her a million times before and started discussing her problem with her sister, then her brother, She even told her brother wife who she use to hate so much she would say the unspeakable about her in front me. We even got into argument once because I didn't like the way you spoke about her brothers wife!!! Anyway on Wednesday 20th, I came back from work at 5.45 sharp, took the kids to football, got home for 7.30 to find her brother there. She took the kids to her friends house and when she came back she said she wanted to speak about her problem. So once again, a private problem between me and her and she sits her brother to listen! So at that point I made the mistake of getting up and said "you know what have the kids and house I'm leaving, you don't respect me after all I told you" and I left. 2 hours later I went back home to get my things as I had taken nothing with me and wanted to stay in a hotel for a couple of days to calm down. When I knocked she wasn't there. It turned out that she took the children and went to her brother's and locked me out deliberately leaving the key in the front door from the inside and locking the kitchen door because I didn't have keys. So I slept in the car, went to work the next day and when I got home on Thursday the house was still locked. No answer from her phone nothing. Anyway, things progressed and by the time Saturday came I was going to get her and the kids from her brothers house. When I got there I was sat in the car waiting for her when her brother approached, we exchanged a few words and then out of the blue he just punched me square in the right eye right there in front of my kids. My wife and his wife came rushing out and the first thing they both said is "he was acting in self defence" at that point my 7 year old daughter saw her daddy bleeding in the eye and she was crying. When I tried to call the police my wife grabbed the phone and threatened me saying that if I call the police she will also complain about me emotionally abusing her! What a joke! So there she was stood next to the same woman she use to rip apart and they both said the same words. Even his wife brought me so tissue to stop the blood so what did my wife do? She brought the kids to see their daddy bleeding! Anyway, it's crazy, I left went home then called the police. Two house later I get a text message from my wife saying that she is coming home after all for the sake of kids!!! I told her that I've called the police anyway but she didn't seem to care. She did come home but when the kids went to bed we exchanged some further words and we left it there. The police turned up at our house the next morning and took my statement. That same day he was charged with Actual Body Harm and he now has it in his record. Good for him! When the police left my wife once again packed her bags and took the kids to her mums! Again without saying why and without seeking permission. When I texted her telling her how much she's like her brother's wife the one she hated she replied back saying that she won't let me have the kids because they are safer with her whatever that means. Anyway, I left it there but her older sister must have spoken to her because I got a message from her older sister's husband and he told me to think about the kids etc etc etc.... Now she is back in the house and wallah wallah I can't stand to see her face but my kids I love them too much I can't imagine living without them. I have hardly eaten or slept in over a week. My weight has dropped big time I feel sick all the time. But I love my kids. How am I suppose to live with this person?! I can't stand her let alone sleep in the same room with her but what about the kids? 7 , 5 and 6 months old!!!!! Wallah sorry about this but I had to get this off my chest.
  13. Huh! Well.... if it's a case of an eye for an eye.. I take it you'd be quite happy to see more of your Sunni brethren die? What's the preferred method these days? Suicide or a swift head chop? Which do you prefer?
  14. Typical reply. You and your ilk parrot the same rhetoric here, there and everywhere else! I won't waste too much of my time, but just for [Edited Out]s and giggles I thought it would be quite funny to point our the idiocy of your above comment. So you say: Why of course you're so right! We Shias are so against Islam! So in your infinite wisdom, could you please name the Muslim flying the Israeli flag right now? Oh hold on, Egypt and Jordan. Two Sunni majority countries with full diplomatic ties with the enemies of Islam. So how about your start with your own first before you come here lecturing us!
  15. Typical Sunni response...... You're avoiding the question because you really have no answer and I suspect it is YOU who has been brainwashed in your "religious gatherings" or whatever you call them. Keep trying though.
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