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In the Name of God بسم الله

coldcow

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  1. I think I've got a very normal profile. It's a pretty diverse profile. I like doing lots of things. I'm a pretty middle of the road person on most things. Actually don't go to the mosque very often, mainly because I'm often living in places where there isn't one nearby. If anything I probably have a very unique profile, but not in a bad way. I guess most ladies just want something more traditional/"normal." Who knows at this point.
  2. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're not already, please respond to messages you get on matchmaking sites/apps. It's incredibly rude to match with someone and then just ignore their messages. I get that you can't message everyone you match with, but if you match and they send you a message, at least respond back.
  3. Has it been studied? It's a hard thing to study, as mutah isn't exactly something people voluntarily go around saying they're partaking in and offering to get STDs. A big question is how do we correlate STDs in places where it's hard to research? So let's look at the human papilloma virus, the virus that causes cervical cancer in women. The only way to get this virus is through sexual intercourse. We know that mutah is very common in Iran. So while this doesn't prove mutah helps spread STDs, we can deduce that there is a decent amount of it going around in order for this virus to spread as much as it does. It's no where near as much as in a western country, where almost anyone who has had sex with someone else has the virus. Probably 60% of people at any given time. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6742734/ https://hpvcentre.net/statistics/reports/IRN.pdf And you are correct, there are people out there who ignore the rules of mutah and simply pretend like they're doing mutah to feel better about themselves. How does the OP know that the girl he finds isn't someone like that?
  4. How can masturbation possibly increase the risk of cancer? If you're saying it increases your risk of cancer that means that having intercourse with a female also increases your risk of cancer. There's actually research that suggests that ejaculation and the increased blood flow to the prostate that occurs during ejaculation (via either intercourse or masturbation) actually helps reduce the risk of cancer. Also, if you're not ejaculating via intercourse or masturbation, you're going to have wet dreams and your "children" are going to be discarded at that point. Your body is constantly producing sperm. Not masturbating doesn't stop that. And eventually that sperm has to go somewhere. Depends where he's at. There are some places where there are the same women that go around doing mutah with multiple men. If females, even in religious communities, aren't being chaste, then STDs are probably already circulating. Remember, all STDs aren't obvious. Some, like the HPV virus, can show no symptoms, but can cause cancer in women. Others, like herpes, may also be asymptomatic for a long time, and that's how it's spread. There are plenty of threads arguing the legalities and history of mutah, I'm not here to do that. I'm just here to tell the op that once you lose your virginity, you can never get it back. If you don't mind if your future nikah wife engaged in mutah with multiple men, then sure, go ahead and do mutah. If you do mind, then you're a hypocrite if you engage in mutah.
  5. Not a valid excuse for avoid mutah? According to who? Surely it doesn't say in the Qu'ran or sunnah that avoiding an STD is not a valid excuse for avoiding mutah, does it? I don't know, and you don't know.
  6. See, that sounds good in theory, but in reality what you're saying is that masturbation is an equal sin to zina. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I happen to believe it isn't. I think most people would say it isn't. And typically most people will choose the lesser of two sins. Now if you do think masturbation is as bad of a sin as zina, then when faced with a dilemma of masturbating vs committing zina, if you can't control yourself, what reason would you have to try and avoid zina? I agree, everyone should avoid both masturbation and zina. But binary rules have a hard time fitting into the naunces of life. We should make informed decisions and be responsible for our actions. If someone wants to masturbate and face the punishment for that, instead of committing zina, or getting an STD and giving it to a future spouse, then they should be able to live with the consequences of their actions. At the end of the day, what he chooses to do is between him and God.
  7. Masturbation may be haram, but in my mind getting a sexually transmitted infectino that you keep for the rest of your life, and maybe unknowingly give to your future wife could be worse. What if you give her HPV and she gets cancer from it? We are human, and we are prone to sins. We can try our best to avoid sin, but eventually we will sin. If the OP wants to masturbate to avoid zina, he must weight the consequences of his actions in this world with what he'll have to pay in the next. If he thinks masturbation to avoid zina is worth it, compared with the risks of an STI in a temporary marriage, then that's his choice. Isn't masturbation also considered acceptable as a last resort if it is to prevent you from commiting zina?
  8. So, where there's smoke, there's fire. And what I mean by that is that stereotypes come from somewhere. But at the end of the day, they are stereotypes and typically only represent the extreme of a particular race/religion/culture/etc. I don't know what your other thread was about, but just try to gain some perspective. You sound young. How much experience do you have in this world? Even if your parents aren't very smart, they probably have a lot of experience in this world. They've seen a thing or two. And those experiences shape their current thinking. Your experiences (or lack of) shape yours. Seek to understand their position, their thinking, and then present them with a logical thought out counter argument on why you think the way you do. Come up with a concrete plan to convince them why you're right? Tell them about all the temptations in this world and how it's good to marry young. Show them examples of other young muslims that got married young and did well. Or even non-muslims for that matter. Talk to them about how you'll be able to continue your studies, even after marriage. How you plan on supporting each other? Or maybe neither of you have jobs and you'd need parental support through your time completing school. What happens if you do have a child while in college? What will you do? How will you complete school with a child? Use logic, not emotion, and you'll probably make it farther.
  9. So this is what I always say - would you want to marry a woman that engaged in mutah with multiple men? Or even 1 man? Would you think differently if a woman engaged in mutah for a month vs a woman was married via nikah that ended after a month, or a year, or whatever? There's often a double standard in most cultures whereby a man is allowed to satisfy his desires, but women must remain chaste. Some say that you should avoid mutah with muslim women and only engage with non-muslim women. This makes no sense. If mutah is permissible to avoid haram, why would you only allow men to do it? If all muslim men are supposed to be doing it only with non-muslim women, then who are the muslim women supposed to do it with. Or what if we lived in a place where everyone was muslim, then who would do mutah with who? Another thing to think, would you openly disclose that you participated in mutah with anyone you wanted to marry? If you felt the need to hide it, would that be a good way to start a marriage? What if you contract an STD? Not all STDs are treatable? Some, like HPV, can cause cervical cancer in women. Would you feel ok giving that to your future spouse? What about herpes or warts? My opinion is that you should seek nikah and guard your chastity. Sure, mutah can be an escape if you're sure you can't remain chaste, but should that be something you actively seek? Or should it be a last resort? And then, if you seek mutah truly as something temporary, you will never again be able to share the experience of first time intimacy with the person you hope to stay married to for the rest of your life? I know plenty of happily married people who had multiple sexual partners prior to marriage, and they seem happy. Maybe it's good to have experience prior to marriage, so you know what you're doing. Or maybe there's something special about 2 people learning together. I don't know. I have no experience with either. Just some things to think about
  10. Have used, or are currently using, HalfourDeen.com, shiamatch, singlemuslim (very briefly - lots of fake profiles there), muzmatch app, salams/minder app. My mother has put my profile on I think shadi.com and something else. I have been in communication with several. One person early on was a good match, but I think in retrospect we were both too timid to take it to the next step as we were both very new to the online realm. Reconnected later, but new life committments in the interim would've made a relationship too difficult. I have been in contact with a few others that respond to me, but things quickly fizzle when I give more details about my work, or my views on life and commitment, etc. And likewise, if someone messages me that I don't think would make a good match, I try to let them know early on why I think it wouldn't be a good match, and they usually agree. Someone who I was in communiation with about a month ago, that ignored me for a little while, recently remessaged me. Not sure what to make of it. I suspect they were talking with someone else that didn't work out and wanted to keep me on the hook. I mean I can see when they're last online. I'll play along for now. What really spurred this post was being ignored by probably 10 females over the past 2-3 weeks, across the 3 platforms I'm currently active on. When I see they've read my message the least they can do is say they're currently talking with someone, and ask if it's ok for me to wait. I don't mind. No. I've found that when people know you personally in an online space, they use what they know about you against you. I don't think that would be a big problem here, but I know in other online forums I participate in, after they found I was Muslim some people would always bring it up as a way to somehow discredit me. So I'm pretty dedicated to maintaining anonymity in the online space..
  11. My profile is quite detailed, but not excessive to read. I would actually recommend unblurring your photos. These apps are so superficial anyways. Plus, I frequently don't swipe right on blurred photos because I'm afraid that if I don't like what I see, I don't want to be mean and be like "it's ok, nevermind" as soon as see her photos. So I'd rather just not make the connection. I do ocassionally swipe right on blurred profiles, but I have to really like what I read. Like a lot. I'm not big on the sunni/shia divide. If a sunni girl wants to marry me, and everything else is in order, I'd happily marry them. So that's not a problem for me. Thanks for the words of encouragement. Good luck to you as well. 1. Unfortunately no real Islamic community near where I live. Nearest one is an hour away, on a good day. And I just don't have that kind of time. Plus, anytime I have gone to Islamic centers in the past, everyone is super cliquey and not very welcoming. Funny thing is that when I've been to churches with friends, people always recognize that I'm new there and start talking to me. Must be a cultural thing. 2. My life is about as together as it's going to get. 3. I can't say definitively, but I think part of the reason I'm having a hard time landing a wife is because I'm so different from all the other men. Women don't know what to make of me, my personal interests, my work, etc. 4. I suppose I could go that route, but then I feel like I'd be obligated to say yes. Don't trust them to understand me (as I said, I'm not a type of person that generally exists in the Muslim communities). The last moulana I knew/trusted passed away some time ago. I appreciate everyone's advice. On a side note, it is quite interesting who you see on these apps. I found someone who in some pictures is wearing a perfect and modest hijab, and in others is wearing see through and low cut clothing that reveals quite a bit. And she hosts an Islamic YouTube channel/Facebook page. Go figure. Then there are some people who are very much not Muslim, not even culturally, they openly admit that they have no plan on converting, but they just want to marry a Muslim man. And the majority of ladies do not eat only halal. Very interesting people on these apps and sites.
  12. Short version: Alright ladies and gentlemen, looking for a little advice. I don't want this to be another "woe is me" thread about not being able to find a spouse, but I'm having a hard time finding a spouse. I think I tick all the boxes for what most people would want, but apparently I'm not having any luck. What general tips do y'all have for improving my online profiles? Long version: What are the Muslim kids (specifically the sisters) looking for these days? I'm a pretty successful, financially independent, decent looking, fairly religious, very respectful of women and while I'm pretty traditional, I'm also quite progressive. I've been on several Muslim dating apps and websites, and I barely match with folks and my messages frequently go ignored. I will admit to having some narrow criteria for what I'm looking for in who I think will be compatible with me, my job, my lifestyle, my religious practices, etc. (Like I always swipe left when I see very revealing dresses, or people who refuse to move from their current area, or people who are really fat (sorry), or more than a year older than me, or too young for me). But what gets me is that I don't even get responses back from these girls when I do send messages after we match, or if it's on a site and I can just send a message without worrying about matching. If someone sends me a message, or I think a match isn't going somewhere, I at least tell them. I don't ignore. And what's funny is that I was curious if something was wrong with me. So I put pretty much the same pictures and profile on some non-Muslim apps and sites (like Bumble, eHarmony). My inbox and phone was blowing up with girls, some even asking to learn more about arranged marriages when I explain that's the reason why I've never had a girlfriend. Non-Muslim friends of friends have apparently asked my friends if I'd be interested in dating them. I refuse to marry someone from overseas (though there are plenty of offers from there as well through family members) because I think most overseas individuals aren't working against a numbers game. US Muslims have numbers working against us. If Muslim men keep finding overseas wives, or keep marrying non-Muslims, then it makes life significantly harder for the Muslim women - harder than it already is. Also add that family hasn't been very helpful. Part of the family isn't very religious and just encourages me to start dating, the other part keeps focusing on what they think is important in a spouse, and not what I want, despite my attempts to communicate to them. I'm not going to reveal much about me here, but any sisters (or brothers) have any tips to offer?
  13. Disagree. Introverts need to learn how to get out of the house and stop just looking out the window. They need to learn human interaction. Social media is not a substitute for human interaction. Using the "window" of social media, will simply allow them to get comfortable staying indoors and not going out. I think you need to learn how to get out of your comfort zone and stop looking out that window. I agree with the original poster - I think it takes a very mature and developed mind to not fall into the trap that is social media. Remember, it's not just the pictures and things you see, it's the algorithms that manipulate your world view. Whether that's selecting the advertisements you see, or the videos, or even the friends you see more posts from.
  14. So adaptability is an adult trait and sign of maturity. You don't have to do chores, but shifting blame to your parents for raising you one way, and refusing to change because of that is not an admirable quality. We were all raised in different ways. Do we give a man that abuses his wife a pass because that's how he was raised? Do we give a woman who treats poor people with disrespect a pass because that's how they were raised. If you don't want to do chores as an adult, that's totally fine. I'm sure you can find plenty of men that would prefer you to work full time and have a professional clean the house and cook. Here's a bit of the hypocrisy in the western Muslim communities. We typically want our daughters to study hard, go to university, get a good degree, but then we want them to put that degree away when it comes time to settle down. What's the point, other than for a parent's prestige? Yes, being a stay at home mother isn't exactly a cake walk. And taking care of a household is a job in and of itself. But balance is possible without having a woman have to give up doing what they worked so hard to do.
  15. Agree with most above. I would not want a wife that refuses to do basic adult tasks. I'm not expecting a 5 star chef, but I don't believe it's healthy to constantly eat out. Even if you're eating health foods, you're teaching children financial irresponsibility and depriving them of home cooked food, and a valuable life skill in learning how to cook from you. I'm pretty good in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure I will be able to cook better than my future wife, when I find one, but that doesn't mean I don't want her trying. And I'm completely willing to cook most of the time. Another thing is failing to teach the kids the value of hard work by just paying someone else to clean your toilets or take care of hard tasks you don't feel like doing. The fact that a wife doesn't want to do these things doesn't really bother me, what bothers me is why. You currently don't clean your toilet and let your mother do it? You're going to get staff to do it for you in the future? There's a difference between a person who is fully willing and capable of getting their hands dirty and doing hard work themselves, but is so busy that they hire others to do it, and someone who refuses to do it regardless of how busy they are. Don't mean to offend, but if someone wanted to marry me with your attitude towards chores and domestic activities, I would not be interested.
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