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In the Name of God بسم الله

reckless.spouse

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  1. Like
    reckless.spouse reacted to EnterMessage in Reckless Spouse   
    Wow. This thread was a roller coaster of contradicting emotions. It taught me a lesson I should already have learnt: Religion that is not built on ethical moral grounds will be lead to more harm than good.
    Elhamdulillah for all that happens, and may Allah swt bless us all with strength and patience to navigate through life with all the buried mines waiting to be triggered, for verily we'll all taste hardships in one way or another. I'm glad you (the OP) are more in harmony now though, it shows incredible stamina and faith in Allah swt as it wasn't just a bad nightmare, there was a lesson for you to learn and grow from, and you seem to have picked up on that. Learn, grow, and be the best you can be for the sake of Allah, and Allah alone.
    All the best.
  2. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from EnterMessage in Reckless Spouse   
    Okay.
    So I briefly glanced through my previous comments I had left before, and I realised the following: 
    I do not remember most of what I wrote before.  Even if I were to respond today, I would probably express the same thoughts. With perhaps a little more introspection. Sister @hameedeh is incredibly accurate and I join Sister @Sumayyeh hat-tip in acknowledging her prowess of summation. @l'Optimiste is very eloquent is his/her assessment of it all The protracted divorce did happen. The road back to sanity is bumpy. It takes one through a maze of disbelief, skepticism, rage and disgust. But I will tell you something - I am today happy to be the same man I once was before, before my marriage. And so happy to not be the man I became during my marriage.
    I feel it is exponentially more difficult for women to cope with something like this, not to say us men do not feel the brunt. My father wept for a good straight week. He did not speak to me for a month. He refused to see me. My mother explained to him - as she had an idea about how my ex was. Eventually he started to believe when he heard stories from the local Imambargah. Stories about his son which could never be true. Factual inaccuracies. Like oh he used to drink, or he used to not pray. And my favorite: he could not bed her. Et cetara. Ah and as a family we found out what a divorced woman's Zakira mother can do to convince the lot the 'Khulla' was necessary yada yada. The funny thing, when my faith over women folk was all time low - the most love and support I got from were women as well. My mother, aunts, sisters, and friends. Even several of their relatives ended up talking to us. They expressed their 'condolences' LOLL. The most overwhelming was last eid when her first cousin came over with her husband and two kids. Spent half a day with us etc. 
    Side note: apparently theres a hate blog about me out there.
    I have since found peace, and I have no one my Allah, Masoomeen (a.s) and Ummehaat (a.s) to thank. 
    I would be happy to go into more details if necessary. 
    I also feel @l'Optimiste is correct is looking at the broad canvas. SC is indeed expanding. 
  3. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Mahdi_theguideforall in Reckless Spouse   
    Okay.
    So I briefly glanced through my previous comments I had left before, and I realised the following: 
    I do not remember most of what I wrote before.  Even if I were to respond today, I would probably express the same thoughts. With perhaps a little more introspection. Sister @hameedeh is incredibly accurate and I join Sister @Sumayyeh hat-tip in acknowledging her prowess of summation. @l'Optimiste is very eloquent is his/her assessment of it all The protracted divorce did happen. The road back to sanity is bumpy. It takes one through a maze of disbelief, skepticism, rage and disgust. But I will tell you something - I am today happy to be the same man I once was before, before my marriage. And so happy to not be the man I became during my marriage.
    I feel it is exponentially more difficult for women to cope with something like this, not to say us men do not feel the brunt. My father wept for a good straight week. He did not speak to me for a month. He refused to see me. My mother explained to him - as she had an idea about how my ex was. Eventually he started to believe when he heard stories from the local Imambargah. Stories about his son which could never be true. Factual inaccuracies. Like oh he used to drink, or he used to not pray. And my favorite: he could not bed her. Et cetara. Ah and as a family we found out what a divorced woman's Zakira mother can do to convince the lot the 'Khulla' was necessary yada yada. The funny thing, when my faith over women folk was all time low - the most love and support I got from were women as well. My mother, aunts, sisters, and friends. Even several of their relatives ended up talking to us. They expressed their 'condolences' LOLL. The most overwhelming was last eid when her first cousin came over with her husband and two kids. Spent half a day with us etc. 
    Side note: apparently theres a hate blog about me out there.
    I have since found peace, and I have no one my Allah, Masoomeen (a.s) and Ummehaat (a.s) to thank. 
    I would be happy to go into more details if necessary. 
    I also feel @l'Optimiste is correct is looking at the broad canvas. SC is indeed expanding. 
  4. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Mahdi_theguideforall in Reckless Spouse   
    They're mashallah from a good background. Her mother is actually a Zakira and I once thought that was a good thing. But then I started noticing the extremism and orthodoxy which made me very uncomfortable. I saw them ridicule women who were not wearing abayas but were in perfect hijab stating one reason or the other. I saw then frowning upon other mothers and girls who wanted to study and make something our of their lives besides just being incubators and maids. How was I supposed to know there is a way of justifying this through religion. How much can one find out before getting married any way.
    There is no future, and I want none with a girl who would rather use walk away from a man who has so much to offer. And in this case, I think Im glad we both decide to amicably walk aways from each other. She is a wonderful girl who would make a traditional Shia man very happy. Im not cut out for this.
    No man is happy at the potential breakup of his marriage but in this case, I feel it is for the better. I am here so I can share it with people and not because it is a sob story, but because we need to try to look for people who we can collaborate with. In the sense of religion, society and life. Only then theres a synergy. I am alhumdollilah on the right track . There is one little setback in my life after this though. I wanted to accomplish many feats in life, which wouldve been easier had I shared my life with a woman by my side. Now it will have to be a while before I accomplish my goals.
  5. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Hameedeh in Reckless Spouse   
    I believe that to be true. And I think I am too traditional for a man to find someone here. I have lately felt it is probably best to try to meet people who potentially work in the same industry. Though I can be so wrong. Thanks for your dua
  6. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Takalluf in Holding Your Wifes Hand In Public?   
    haha
    Really? you think your 5 year old daughter only learns from you? Time and again science, society and religion have reiterated that a child learns from his/her surroundings. I guess if we have a problem with people holding hands, we think hard about the country we want our child to grow up in.
  7. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from StarryNight in Reckless Spouse   
    Okay.
    So I briefly glanced through my previous comments I had left before, and I realised the following: 
    I do not remember most of what I wrote before.  Even if I were to respond today, I would probably express the same thoughts. With perhaps a little more introspection. Sister @hameedeh is incredibly accurate and I join Sister @Sumayyeh hat-tip in acknowledging her prowess of summation. @l'Optimiste is very eloquent is his/her assessment of it all The protracted divorce did happen. The road back to sanity is bumpy. It takes one through a maze of disbelief, skepticism, rage and disgust. But I will tell you something - I am today happy to be the same man I once was before, before my marriage. And so happy to not be the man I became during my marriage.
    I feel it is exponentially more difficult for women to cope with something like this, not to say us men do not feel the brunt. My father wept for a good straight week. He did not speak to me for a month. He refused to see me. My mother explained to him - as she had an idea about how my ex was. Eventually he started to believe when he heard stories from the local Imambargah. Stories about his son which could never be true. Factual inaccuracies. Like oh he used to drink, or he used to not pray. And my favorite: he could not bed her. Et cetara. Ah and as a family we found out what a divorced woman's Zakira mother can do to convince the lot the 'Khulla' was necessary yada yada. The funny thing, when my faith over women folk was all time low - the most love and support I got from were women as well. My mother, aunts, sisters, and friends. Even several of their relatives ended up talking to us. They expressed their 'condolences' LOLL. The most overwhelming was last eid when her first cousin came over with her husband and two kids. Spent half a day with us etc. 
    Side note: apparently theres a hate blog about me out there.
    I have since found peace, and I have no one my Allah, Masoomeen (a.s) and Ummehaat (a.s) to thank. 
    I would be happy to go into more details if necessary. 
    I also feel @l'Optimiste is correct is looking at the broad canvas. SC is indeed expanding. 
  8. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from StarryNight in Reckless Spouse   
    well. I have a fascinating story to tell.  I just logged in and I can assure you it has been a rollercoaster!
  9. Like
    reckless.spouse reacted to LeftCoastMom in Reckless Spouse   
    Sorry you had to go through that. A hate blog? Dang...people are the same everywhere! 
  10. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Hameedeh in Reckless Spouse   
    Okay.
    So I briefly glanced through my previous comments I had left before, and I realised the following: 
    I do not remember most of what I wrote before.  Even if I were to respond today, I would probably express the same thoughts. With perhaps a little more introspection. Sister @hameedeh is incredibly accurate and I join Sister @Sumayyeh hat-tip in acknowledging her prowess of summation. @l'Optimiste is very eloquent is his/her assessment of it all The protracted divorce did happen. The road back to sanity is bumpy. It takes one through a maze of disbelief, skepticism, rage and disgust. But I will tell you something - I am today happy to be the same man I once was before, before my marriage. And so happy to not be the man I became during my marriage.
    I feel it is exponentially more difficult for women to cope with something like this, not to say us men do not feel the brunt. My father wept for a good straight week. He did not speak to me for a month. He refused to see me. My mother explained to him - as she had an idea about how my ex was. Eventually he started to believe when he heard stories from the local Imambargah. Stories about his son which could never be true. Factual inaccuracies. Like oh he used to drink, or he used to not pray. And my favorite: he could not bed her. Et cetara. Ah and as a family we found out what a divorced woman's Zakira mother can do to convince the lot the 'Khulla' was necessary yada yada. The funny thing, when my faith over women folk was all time low - the most love and support I got from were women as well. My mother, aunts, sisters, and friends. Even several of their relatives ended up talking to us. They expressed their 'condolences' LOLL. The most overwhelming was last eid when her first cousin came over with her husband and two kids. Spent half a day with us etc. 
    Side note: apparently theres a hate blog about me out there.
    I have since found peace, and I have no one my Allah, Masoomeen (a.s) and Ummehaat (a.s) to thank. 
    I would be happy to go into more details if necessary. 
    I also feel @l'Optimiste is correct is looking at the broad canvas. SC is indeed expanding. 
  11. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Sumayyeh in Reckless Spouse   
    Okay.
    So I briefly glanced through my previous comments I had left before, and I realised the following: 
    I do not remember most of what I wrote before.  Even if I were to respond today, I would probably express the same thoughts. With perhaps a little more introspection. Sister @hameedeh is incredibly accurate and I join Sister @Sumayyeh hat-tip in acknowledging her prowess of summation. @l'Optimiste is very eloquent is his/her assessment of it all The protracted divorce did happen. The road back to sanity is bumpy. It takes one through a maze of disbelief, skepticism, rage and disgust. But I will tell you something - I am today happy to be the same man I once was before, before my marriage. And so happy to not be the man I became during my marriage.
    I feel it is exponentially more difficult for women to cope with something like this, not to say us men do not feel the brunt. My father wept for a good straight week. He did not speak to me for a month. He refused to see me. My mother explained to him - as she had an idea about how my ex was. Eventually he started to believe when he heard stories from the local Imambargah. Stories about his son which could never be true. Factual inaccuracies. Like oh he used to drink, or he used to not pray. And my favorite: he could not bed her. Et cetara. Ah and as a family we found out what a divorced woman's Zakira mother can do to convince the lot the 'Khulla' was necessary yada yada. The funny thing, when my faith over women folk was all time low - the most love and support I got from were women as well. My mother, aunts, sisters, and friends. Even several of their relatives ended up talking to us. They expressed their 'condolences' LOLL. The most overwhelming was last eid when her first cousin came over with her husband and two kids. Spent half a day with us etc. 
    Side note: apparently theres a hate blog about me out there.
    I have since found peace, and I have no one my Allah, Masoomeen (a.s) and Ummehaat (a.s) to thank. 
    I would be happy to go into more details if necessary. 
    I also feel @l'Optimiste is correct is looking at the broad canvas. SC is indeed expanding. 
  12. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Sumayyeh in Reckless Spouse   
    well. I have a fascinating story to tell.  I just logged in and I can assure you it has been a rollercoaster!
  13. Like
    reckless.spouse reacted to l'Optimiste in Reckless Spouse   
    I'd advise caution before making subjective statements like the bold part. While I can see you are being open minded and supportive, you have not been in his place. As someone who has been through something similar, it is not quite so cut and dry as all that. Sometimes we do our best to get to know a person before marrying them, take our time, dot all our i's and cross all our t's - and this still happens. 
     
    Ditto for Reckless Spouse 'making a mistake'. Again, as someone who's been through something similar (if not the same), I wouldn't characterize my choices as mistakes. Not the choice to be with such a person, and not the choice to separate (if that choice can even be characterized a choice).
     
    On a digressive note, I think threads like these are testament to the significance of SC extending beyond an online forum; this one basically documented a major part of Reckless Spouse's life journey. I realize this thread is over a year old, and the OP might not even still be here, but I am very curious how it ended. 
  14. Like
    reckless.spouse reacted to starlight in Reckless Spouse   
    i read the thread just now for the first time. I hope 'the story' ended happily somehow or other.
     
  15. Like
    reckless.spouse reacted to Hameedeh in Reckless Spouse   
    In 2011 you said "I dont see divorce as a option." In 2012 you said "she's threatened to divorce me." In 2013 you said "We're on a month's separation now and we have spoken to the Resident Aalim about a divorce." So what happened in 2014 and this year? Are you still married?
  16. Like
    reckless.spouse reacted to Sumayyeh in Reckless Spouse   
    LOL sister hameedeh...such a build-up of suspense  
  17. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Hameedeh in Reckless Spouse   
    well. I have a fascinating story to tell.  I just logged in and I can assure you it has been a rollercoaster!
  18. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from starlight in Reckless Spouse   
    For some, giving up on leading a better, far more spiritual and accomplished life is a option. The test in this case, I think, is for me to rise to the occasion and strive to lead a better life instead of being harassed into submission :) There is indeed, and I intend to bring it all out here. Primarily because I know there would be people out there going through the same Tsunamis ! Way to go :no: ! Strategically bringing in the M word ! now everyone is talking about this instead of the real issue ! My wife is mashallah a Zakira e Ahle Bayt in the making. She knows everything about how jealousy hurts one's self and spirit. She actually despises the northy american system so much that she ends up saying and doing weird things. Ive tried everything. I have shared my philosophy with her many a times. I tell here, listen i need X to be on my list specifically because X has teh ability to negatively influence my work. Keep your enemies closer right ... she still doesnt get it. This is the third time she's done this. Also the past one year has seen her try to sabotage my work more. It is almost like she wants me to fail. This time before she had the opportunity to post a response, I specifically asked her not to interject in this particular situation. And then I went off to work. When I got back, she had done exactly what I had asked her to not do. What does this mean. I couldnt let her continue to sabotage the work I was doing. My FB is strictly professional. It has nothing to do with my personal life, and she knows that . So any conversation im having with people are about politics, religion and social fabric. What do you do when your 10 year old keeps spilling coffee on the carpet? You dont replace the young one. You just try to make sure there is no coffee within arms reach to spill. This is why I ended up here . Because I want her in my life. But if she does not understand that I need her to work with me rather than against me, then Id have to gradually remove her foot print from all our collective aspects. I am afraid she will be wreck any chances of raising a good family by her bahavior.____________________
    Oh btw just an observation. As a newbie to this amazing forum, I cant believe how EVERYONE here bickers like 5th graders :lol: . This feels just like home !
  19. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Hasan0404 in Reckless Spouse   
    Salam Alaikum,
    Ive been a silent observer here for a few years now. This is a great website for people from all walks of life to discuss matters of mutual interest.
    I am starting this post in hopes of sharing my experiences with my fellow members here and to get their view about my debacle. I got married to girl from Shiamatch and now I am regretting it because she turned out to be a very different person than how it seemed on the match making website. Im not going to give her name as this post in just so I understand what I might be able to do differently to make things better. However I suggest thorough investigations into the person (and his or her past) who you only know from a website. The sad part is that she is not a bad person at all. We're just not a good match. Has anyone else here gone through something like this ?
  20. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from The Exalted One in What Is Your Opinion On Women Proposing To Men?   
    If you want something in life, go for it. Just know your reasons.
  21. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Ruq in How To Ensure You're (Almost) Always Right   
    Came across something very interesting. Just thought Id share ti with my family here.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Being mindful of your cognitive biases isn't enough

    Facts that challenge basic assumptions—and thereby threaten people’s livelihood and self-esteem—are simply not absorbed. The mind does not digest them.”
    —Daniel KahnemanThere are numerous cognitive biases that threaten to lead us to incorrect conclusions as we reason our way through problems: confirmation bias (where we selectively pay attention only to evidence that supports our pre-existing beliefs), non-confirmation bias (where we selectively ignore evidence that contradicts our pre-existing beliefs), and belief bias (which predisposes us to accept that which is consistent with our pre-existing beliefs), to name just three. In his book, Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman argues persuasively, however, that if we consciously identify and attend to our biases in real-time—a feat that requires great effort, admittedly—we can lesson their affect on our reasoning (at least, to some degree).
    But there's another mistake we make perhaps just as commonly as we reason through problems that if we don't make a conscious effort to correct will cause us to leap to the wrong conclusions again and again. It's a mistake as insidious as any caused by cognitive bias, but one unrelated. In fact, it may be even more insidious, for the better we're able to reason, to free ourselves from even the least of our cognitive biases, the more likely we are to make it. The mistake I'm referring to? Failing to question our assumptions.
    Like cognitive biases, we're often not consciously aware of our assumptions. But all arguments, all conclusions, rest on them. With respect to the effect our assumptions have on our conclusions, we're all like computers: GIGO (garbage in, garbage out). No matter how flawless and unbiased we may train our reasoning to be, our conclusions will only be as valid as our assumptions.
    While this is undoubtedly obvious to many of us, much of the time many of us still fail to question our assumptions enough. It's just so easy not to.
    The remedy? Mindfulness. We must take the time and expend the energy to examine our own thought processes consciously and continuously. If the solutions we come up with for problems don't work, we at least have a reason to question our assumptions: our problem remains unsolved (though, surprisingly, we often still won't; rather we'll go back to examine our reasoning only, not the assumptions on which it's based). But often we're merely drawing conclusions about what we believe, not about a solution we need to implement. And in that circumstance, we have little impetus to challenge—or even examine—the first step in our reasoning, the step preceded by no other and ask ourselves why we believe it's true.
    And here, of course, is where our cognitive biases exert their most powerful influence, often blinding us to the fact that what we assume is true is in reality false. But if you're after the truth more than you are a comforting feeling or the satisfaction of being right about something, you may just be able to open your mind to examining an assumption you don't like or don't want to believe, and therefore make it far more likely that the conclusion you reason your way toward is actually true.
    Don't believe this is an issue for you—that you're pretty good at examining and uncovering your mistaken assumptions—or that you aren't operating with as many assumptions as others in your daily life? Then try this experiment: record one of your conversations. It doesn't matter who it's with or what it's about. Then listen to it with a pen in hand and for every statement you hear yourself make and every statement you hear the person with whom you're talking make, write down the assumptions that underlie them (in two columns, one for you and one for the other person). Then examine each assumption and rate the likelihood of it actually being true (0%-100%). If you're results are anything like mine, you're in for a surprise.
  22. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Rational Thinking in She Doesnt Stop Speaking   
    It can easily be nervous energy or the far the fact that she likes you a lot . Either way, as long as you can get a sense of what shes saying and like it as well, go for it.
  23. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from بعيد in How To Ensure You're (Almost) Always Right   
    Came across something very interesting. Just thought Id share ti with my family here.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Being mindful of your cognitive biases isn't enough

    Facts that challenge basic assumptions—and thereby threaten people’s livelihood and self-esteem—are simply not absorbed. The mind does not digest them.”
    —Daniel KahnemanThere are numerous cognitive biases that threaten to lead us to incorrect conclusions as we reason our way through problems: confirmation bias (where we selectively pay attention only to evidence that supports our pre-existing beliefs), non-confirmation bias (where we selectively ignore evidence that contradicts our pre-existing beliefs), and belief bias (which predisposes us to accept that which is consistent with our pre-existing beliefs), to name just three. In his book, Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman argues persuasively, however, that if we consciously identify and attend to our biases in real-time—a feat that requires great effort, admittedly—we can lesson their affect on our reasoning (at least, to some degree).
    But there's another mistake we make perhaps just as commonly as we reason through problems that if we don't make a conscious effort to correct will cause us to leap to the wrong conclusions again and again. It's a mistake as insidious as any caused by cognitive bias, but one unrelated. In fact, it may be even more insidious, for the better we're able to reason, to free ourselves from even the least of our cognitive biases, the more likely we are to make it. The mistake I'm referring to? Failing to question our assumptions.
    Like cognitive biases, we're often not consciously aware of our assumptions. But all arguments, all conclusions, rest on them. With respect to the effect our assumptions have on our conclusions, we're all like computers: GIGO (garbage in, garbage out). No matter how flawless and unbiased we may train our reasoning to be, our conclusions will only be as valid as our assumptions.
    While this is undoubtedly obvious to many of us, much of the time many of us still fail to question our assumptions enough. It's just so easy not to.
    The remedy? Mindfulness. We must take the time and expend the energy to examine our own thought processes consciously and continuously. If the solutions we come up with for problems don't work, we at least have a reason to question our assumptions: our problem remains unsolved (though, surprisingly, we often still won't; rather we'll go back to examine our reasoning only, not the assumptions on which it's based). But often we're merely drawing conclusions about what we believe, not about a solution we need to implement. And in that circumstance, we have little impetus to challenge—or even examine—the first step in our reasoning, the step preceded by no other and ask ourselves why we believe it's true.
    And here, of course, is where our cognitive biases exert their most powerful influence, often blinding us to the fact that what we assume is true is in reality false. But if you're after the truth more than you are a comforting feeling or the satisfaction of being right about something, you may just be able to open your mind to examining an assumption you don't like or don't want to believe, and therefore make it far more likely that the conclusion you reason your way toward is actually true.
    Don't believe this is an issue for you—that you're pretty good at examining and uncovering your mistaken assumptions—or that you aren't operating with as many assumptions as others in your daily life? Then try this experiment: record one of your conversations. It doesn't matter who it's with or what it's about. Then listen to it with a pen in hand and for every statement you hear yourself make and every statement you hear the person with whom you're talking make, write down the assumptions that underlie them (in two columns, one for you and one for the other person). Then examine each assumption and rate the likelihood of it actually being true (0%-100%). If you're results are anything like mine, you're in for a surprise.
  24. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Ali-Reza in Divorce   
    Why must every thing this minute be about haram or halal ? If you're divorced, just chuck them. Or WinZip.
  25. Like
    reckless.spouse got a reaction from Rational Thinking in Falling In Love   
    This thread is a clear insight into every one here and how they look at life. Cynics, Halaalis and Romantics.
    I will also put myself on the mantle here to be judged. Eventually.
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