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In the Name of God بسم الله

tlady

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  1. Salam tlday's ,

    I want to send you a private message but don't know how. I'm a newbie. Actually I am a returning member but it has been a while.

  2. your more than welcome sis. and thank you, but those prayers and duas have already helped much. i am much happier now. thanx.

  3. Also... I do have something to say publicly to Batoul: I really do not know who you are, how old, married, kids??? So let me tell you this- assuming you are young- be careful of the words you throw at anyone, The people here were upset by your words, and they were not even directed towards them. Imagine how you made me feel! Maybe you would love to get your jollies off of having a chance to stone me- whether or not you know the truth or whether or not I am guilty!! My heart is my own and my actions as such. Be mindful that we all have a future in front of us and Allah can do many things to test us and we all may or may not fail. Maybe this was your little test and yes YOU FAILED ME!! Women have a strange nature, which is why I chose hardly ever to get close to any female. They- that is many- love seeing another woman hurt, or ugly, or fat, or just indigent, in order to bring herelf up. I would know since my best friend happens to be a psychologist (though being a family friend could never tellher my story- unfortunately). So when the initial shock of your words faded, I obviously started to analyze them. As you progressed, you just stopped making much sense. Please re-evaluate yourself so that you are not condescending. Hateful or hurtful words have a background, especially towards someone you dont even know??? I do not need to further answer any of your questions. You did not have the common decency of just saying, "sorry Tlady if I was rude". That's just a little lesson in Akhlaq. Apologizing does not make my situation right or wrong, but at least I would have known your heart meant well for me. Obviously, your intention was not heartfelt. Good luck and God bless!!!
  4. I would like to address SOME of the posts here.... I am not some person playing a silly game. With this response, I can prob guess many will start to think, "oh she wants sympathy and is trying to justify herself". I been through HELL and back. I thought about taking my life once because the abuse was so bad!!! I DIDNT- obviously!! Next, I could not go to anyone. Culture and family structure did not allow me that freedom, though I did mention it to my parents, who mentioned it to his parents and NOTHING was done. My parents are very old and not well. I hid them the truth of my life to avoid them pain and hurt. He stopped prob because he wanted the kids to always think he was " a good dad" since the children would sense something when they got home from school. His parents thought to control one's wife you could hit her!!! yes, this is true.... I remember that day that it got so bad, i picked up the phone to FINALLY call the police because I was scared for my life!!! So he slowly stopped the physical abuse, but the verbal and emotional abuse continued!! WHY DID HE DO THIS??? Well, i can start by saying he had a very bad temper since childhood which was never controlled. I never knew!! He was severely insecure and still is about his relationship with his father ( who was also abusive- not as bad as he). His siblings were just NOT NICE PEOPLE IN ANY CAPACITY and would preach their religious banter left and right. I swear on my children, I NEVER did anything to EVER deserve this!! I was very patient always waiting for his good side to come back. I was sooo young, that I did not know love or the laws of relationships outside of what i saw. I didnt have friends because he never let me. After my children, he told me to be a size 2 and lose the weight because "you would not like me looking at other women"!! So i did...i work out like crazy and the rest, Allah has blessed me with decent looks. ( sounds so strange to even write this). Human insecurity is their tragic downfall! He was so afraid of everything, that the stress came out on me- ANY STRESS!! I could not go to my parents house, because my face would have showed the abuse!! Years of this I stayed...praying he would change and scared to be alone with children!! Where would i go, who would want me with 2 kids? what a shame to my very large family!!! I was patient, prayed, BUT very very alone and very scared. So when a person comes along and actually notices how i take care of my family, how I deal with my parents sickness( he is a doctor), I guess he was intrigued... Just a person asking "how are you" and helping me made me feel warm. I never wanted to start loving someone else...i hadnt before!!! But for once telling my story to someone was refreshing and I thought it would help me with my husband... well it didnt of course, I started caring for him.... Being of arab descent as well, he knows its wrong.... But he started caring for me and could not believe how i lived with so much ( too many details to get into here) in fact he saw a brief burst of my husbands temper once for a trivial petty matter!! Honestly, after the first initial responses, I told myself just do whatever i can because at this point, even my love for another has condemned me. I am very afraid of being alone. I know everyone will say Allah is there, but I have done that for many yrs already. Human love and compassion is different. My children are my best friends, but soon IA they will have their own life. Brothers, please understand that a woman loses all respect with the very first kick or punch or slap!! A woman looks for protection...isnt that why our parents get us married??? I do not want this topic to offend anyone or to become an argument amongst people...im sorry if this is what has happened..... As far as my steps...i have already spoken to this other guy and its quite heart wrenching on both sides to say thank you for being there...but its ALL wrong..... but i did....... I am so weary that now if Allah has decided then it will be so...... Thank you to all who have been so empathetic and kind. It's nice to see people standing up for me ( NOT MY ACTION). Please pray for me.....
  5. it was arranged when i was 16,,,, he had a bad temper which i was never told about and found out later that even his parents could not control it....the other man is not a relative, but in the medical field and helped many members of my family, including my sick parents (which is why i kept them in the dark about most of my life)..... the other man told me i could do better but understands i have children and that I NEVER meant to start having emotions..... i did not reconsider this after 4 yrs!!!....i had no one to talk to...this is not some romantic love scene from any movie...which is what ppl seem to think or perceive.... i tried to ask about counseling yrs ago but he blew up (arrogance i guess)...never bothered asking again...protect my kids from everything...i mean EVERYTHING!!!! Batool does not know me, the entire situation, my limitations, my ability to understand right and wrong!!! SHE HAS NO IDEA!! I think she is juvenile in addressing this particular situation.
  6. I just spoke to someone from our community anonymously about some of these presumptuous hadiths. According to him, many hadiths were falsified during the time of the first three calipha. He also said that no matter how great a sin, the Noble family would bring them onto the right path. He also said that NO ONE can ever judge anyone. Even the enemies of Karbala, we never " curse" Yazeed, for example, but we say that Allah please do not grant them mercy (not exact words). Also, I dont think I need to go to each person who has posted and tell him or her what I am doing day to day or whether I have made certain decisions.
  7. Whomever you are, I thank you. I never said I was right- EVER!!! Even in my original posts I said I would cry from guilt and that I never, never meant to hurt anyone nor do I want to hurt my husband!! I did not come here for sympathy, just for support and some guidance. I originally wanted a dua to help me love my husband again, as a wife!!! All these hadiths are true, but Allah knows the little good I may have done as well. I am NOT trying to legitimize my mistakes, but sometimes knowing that another can understand helps. Also, how does this Batoul know what good Im trying to do in my situation??? She says I will go to hell if I were to die today and thinks she did Amr bil Mahroof and Nahi Anir Munkar??? I never asked anyone to say, "oh yes Tlady you are doing just fine", but dua would help!!! This new topic forum does sound very juvenile. I would never have done that to her!! It could have stayed between the two of us, but for some reason wanted to expose me even more. Anyway, I will IA find my way since I am taking steps in the right decision. Thank you again for being human because I swear it helps to have some support!!! May Allah Bless you and one day maybe forgive me...
  8. I would like to see how you may feel if God forbid, u were in a situation, where you needed support and advice and people said you are condemned to hell!! As far as protecting this forum, isn't that why we are given the right to discuss matters if one comes for sincere help? I am not being hostile or defensive as I mentioned where I was wrong, but a person who starts name calling and condemnation (as if they are Allah themselves) has lost their foundation in any presenting argument from his or her side. You see, just because a person may not be in my situation, does not mean they cannot understand. All this bantering of bad deeds being accepted as ok is NONSENSE, since I NEVER would make such a claim. My "tale of woe" is my reality, and sarcasm is not kind. My life is not a joke and if I give details its for people to understand the scope of my situation. Piety and being "religious" is an aura, actions with wisdom, and feeling humanity. This topic just threatens them because it seemed as if they lost control..like so many mullahs...yet others, not me, wanted this topic to continue.....how so many hide behind the curtain of religion......
  9. I cant thank you enough for being kind in your post...I do need support and not feel so embarassed asking about it... I swear I feel like the worst human alive after reading some of those posts and its just plain awful :( sometimes i just dont know.....

  10. Thank you for taking the time and effort to write this post. I really appreciate the maturity and thoroughness of your response. I dont know if my husband is in the "peace" cycle. I dont do anything he does not want me to do, because, yes, I am afraid of ever making him angry. I dont ask for much, just for my children when needed. I have not ever disrespected him or his family. The history is too much to write...over 15 yrs is much to have patience with....I am not trying to normalize a bad situation or hurt my husband, whom i do love as a friend, just not as man that seems to care much for my emotions. I do feel trapped because I never want to hurt him or my children and I feel that so much has come down as my burden to bear. People would say of course you are hurting them, but in the case of potentially finding out. I have not talked about it much because being abused is just somehow embarassing! I was not ready for marriage in my mid teens and never thought I would endure all this. Trust me when i tell you I have cried for yrs inmy salat to love him that way again..to fall in love for once with him and to hold him as my husband...I swear its been yrs that i have been doing this!!! He is not one to go to a marriage counselor. The one time I mentioned it about 4 yrs ago, i had to leave the house because I became afraid...it was not even an argument, but he blew his top!! I never brought it up again. My children are in tehir teens I have protected them with my life. I smile and go on as if nothing ever happened...they think we have the "perfect" marriage. My silence has lead my children to be very content and happy and practice their deen. unfortunately in culture and religion, the idea of reconciliation and long term support is not very welcoming. Im sure you have read many of the posts here and it's difficult moving forward when one knows how he or she are peceived. Nonetheless, I will definitely listen to your advice and may even try talking to my husband again. That in itself takes lots of courage..scares me to even think about it but I will try again. I hope Allah blesses you with all your wishes IA...thank you again
  11. thank you for your post....i do feel horrible, and hurt by what so many said to me!! I have made my mistakes out of much confusion and hurt...its hard to fix things once so tangled...thank you for being kind :)

  12. hey...thanks for your post...dont say that...I believe Allah has a good plan for all of us!! By just being kind to me and not hurting me, you have done something very kind!!! I am far fromperfect but I try...we all can get tangled, like what has happened with me and its very hard to fix things sometimes.... thank you and I will pray for you :)

  13. thank you calm...i am repentant and hurt...obviously confused as well...i love my husband as a friend..he is a good father and we both, like you have mentioned, have made mistakes!!! We have WONDERFUL children...they really are ( all moms think their kids are great) but I have poured my energy into them trying to escape mypast...this was nt a love marriage, it was very much arranged when i was in my mid teens...i thank you so much for at least trying to understand... I appreciate some of the posts I have gotten, but I do not want to falter from my deen!! My story seems to threaten the forum, which is so strange since so many people have similar or different problems of various caliber of being sinful!!!
  14. thank you sooo much...relaqtionships can become complicated..i dont hate my husband, not do i ever want to hurt him!! Though he has hurt me im not being vengeful at all.... Women need much affection, thats our security and thus how we respong to love.... if i can help u in any way, please let me know :)

  15. here is the link...
    />http://www.duas.org/matri2.htm

    try to read some of these duas, which i am sure will help you with ur relationship with ur husbend, as they have helped me and i am greatful to them. just be patient sis, and Allah will shower his mercy upon u. never lose hope in him..

    wasalam

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