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In the Name of God بسم الله

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  1. Salaams all, thanks for your replies. If I was younger, I would step away. I don't think I will find it easy to find the right person and time is against me, unless a miracle happens. There is also a good chance that she feels the same, because she isn't at that age where you can find a good man, since they are mostly married. In the past, I have had interest shown from older women, which proves that at that age people just given in, otherwise who would prefer a younger man? I know its not fair on the girl, but I will have to keep my doubts inside if i go for it. Quote Marbles: I see nothing wrong with changing after marriage. People should learn from one another. Quote keystoparadise I actually don’t think we will have many problems in that way. As long as she does her religious duties, isn’t into sinful forms of entertainment and wears conservative hijab, then I can keep my ultra conservativeness to my own practice. My problem is that I find religious and intellectual zeal and especially extremely good manners attractive. I don’t want to feel like I don’t love her enough, but I am not experienced in marriage to be able to judge how I will react. Perhaps you can tell me what sort of problems can arise, since I may have to deal with this if I find another girl? Quote Zareen Her relatives are family friends, so they will be upset if I say no after meeting her. In the past, sometimes when I have said no to someone, I get a lot of grief and criticism from some people. But the main problems are that I really don’t want to hurt this girl by saying no and nor do I want to meet her and become even more uncertain. Quote Leda Actually those people said no because I am not from their own race. Some of them even refused to meet me, some ignored us and one family even insulted us without getting to know me, though this happened when we met them, they were angry that we even made a proposal, they said it didnt matter how good I was as long as I wasn't from their race. So it didn’t even get very far with them. Quote Leda I think there are more good, nice, friendly, sensible, religious girls than good boys. However there are fewer extremist type girls than boys. Quote Leda I agree likewise. Quote Abu Ali 2 What is reasonably attractive? Take this example, if you find the woman is overweight, and might get heavier with age, or too tall, and really want a slimmer or shorter woman, but otherwise she is facially quite attractive. Is that reasonably attractive? Will I find her more attractive if I start talking to her? Do you have to feel the attraction or is it enough for your mind to admit that she is attractive? Quote Abu Ali 2 This is a problem all of us face. I can only ask around and people give me names. I don’t see these women outside of their homes. You are right they don’t hang out, but then I just have to follow every lead I get and so far the leads have lead to nothing. Sometimes the same names get mentioned by different people. My only other real option is to look abroad and find contacts in other countries. I really wish people were not so racially close minded …………… I wouldn’t be in this position today. I think it is going to have be an istikhara. Other experienced opinions are very welcome.
  2. I am fine, thank you for asking.

  3. Wa aleikum salaam

    Alhamdulilah I am ok. How are you?

  4. Salam bro, how are you?

  5. Are you sunni? There are reports from Nabi Muhammad (pbuh) and the ahlulbayt (as) which tell men to marry women that they find attractive.
  6. Salaam everyone I have been looking for a wife to get married to, for a number of years, but things have not gone very well. I am in need of some advice, especially from married brothers. There are two reasons for my difficulties in getting married: a, the lack of suitable girls b, the difficult attitudes of the parents of the suitable ones. I am now at the stage where I think I may need to change my requirements for a prospective wife, just so I can get married, and it is this decision that I need help with. My basic requirements have generally been: a very conservative approach to religion and attraction. Other things are not important to me. I have only ever seen handful of girls with those characteristics, but mostly not from my own ethnicity, I have tried to approach their parents but with little success, since they want a person from their own culture and race. Some of these parents have been very rude and difficult with their response to me and my parents, and this has made it much harder for me to keep trying to approach people from out of my race. From my own race I know of no suitable girl. The girls are not conservative in many ways although most I have met are practising and I also generally don’t find them attractive, regardless of their religious practice. I wish I did. I want to marry a conservative girl so that it may increase my love for her and make the marriage strong. Life is tough and I think it’s good to get a wife strong in faith. I believe that some of the more conservative men here will understand what I mean by the lack of conservative girls in their own communities. Fewer girls seem to match the Islamic knowledge and practice of the brothers. The hadith does say that many men reached perfection but only four women did. I see lots of scholars marrying women less practising than them. Maybe I am looking for the wrong things in a woman? Now here is the crux of the matter: a family has shown interest in me (it has happened quite a few times from various families), and this time the girl is pretty good but not quite what I want. She is too borderline. My question is do I go for it or keep looking even if it takes a few more years to find the right one, if ever? It’s not easy to stay unmarried for years on end. Plus I am not that young, so this is a crucial decision. Questions to the married brothers: Am I asking for too much in a girl? Are those not the most fundamental things you would look for in a woman or should I be willing to compromise? Can I make the girl more conservative? Most importantly can a man encourage himself to find a girl more attractive? I know that a man must find his wife attractive otherwise the marriage will be a disaster, all wise persons say this, but how much does attraction grow after marriage? Most of my married friends say that if you don’t find your wife initially attractive then it makes it hard to lower your gaze, only one says that attraction is insignificant and that it grows. This girl is in many ways not bad looking at all, but very different to me (e.g. if a man wants a short girl and she is too tall or if he wants a thin one and she is not thin). Just how much should a man find the girl attractive? 50%, mostly or completely? Ideally I would like to say no to this family and find another person, but since I don’t know of another suitable girl and my pervious endeavours to look for one have not resulted in success, I think it may be time to just give in. Then again I would hate to get married and not find the right attraction and then come across a girl that was more suitable, including religiously. What’s a man supposed to do? I can’t make up my mind whether to meet her or nor. If I meet her and then say no it may make me feel very bad for upsetting her, her family and mine. I feel like maybe I am being ungrateful or maybe I need to say no and trust that Allah (swt) will help me find a more suitable person. In the past, when I have said no to girls even after one meeting, sometimes the families approach us again, one family has approached us through different people over the last five years, and its upsetting seeing that their daughter remains unmarried.
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