Indeed, sadly I have let my illness and my emotions get the best of me. I know now that I have let Satan tempt me, change me and twist me. Despite what she may say, despite her kind words, despite her reassurance that everything will be ok, I know in my heart, no, it will not and we will never be again, I know this, I accept this and I can see it in her eyes when we talk despite what she may be saying. I don't expect her to take me back, I don't expect her to forgive me, I don't expect her family to forgive me. I in short expect nothing. I know, full well, there is nothing that I can say to repay them/her for the emotional/physical toll that I have taken. All I am trying to do now, is to tell her that I am sorry and all I am asking for is her forgiveness. If I was her brother, I wouldn't want her to date me either and would want to kill me too. All I have been asking from her is forgiveness, I know I have killed what may have been and I know I will have to bear this guilt and this burden. Allah (saw) is the only thing I got, I most assuredly will take shelter under him and follow his path which I have so stupidly strayed away from. The worst part of this has been dealing with the guilt I feel for sinning against Allah (saw) along with those I have hurt and everything else. No, this is not a joke, not at all. I realize given my personality and posts on this site why you would think that, I don't blame you, I would think the same but no, this isn't a joke, all of this has really happened to me and I am sincerely asking advice from this forum. This isn't a joke, this isn't satire, this is just me, sincerely and earnestly seeking advice. No, I am not, this is not a joke, this isn't satire, this isn't me trying to be cute or funny or comment or poke fun at anything, this is just me, earnestly and sincerely asking for advice from this forum. I know given my personality and my posts on this site why you would think this, I don't blame you, I would think the same, but all of this is sincere, all of this has really happened to me and I am really, honestly asking for advice. No, I am not, this is not a joke, this isn't satire, this isn't me trying to be cute or funny or comment or poke fun at anything, this is just me, earnestly and sincerely asking for advice from this forum. I know given my personality and my posts on this site why you would think this, I don't blame you, I would think the same, but all of this is sincere, all of this has really happened to me and I am really, honestly asking for advice. No, I am not, this is not a joke, this isn't satire, this isn't me trying to be cute or funny or comment or poke fun at anything, this is just me, earnestly and sincerely asking for advice from this forum. I know given my personality and my posts on this site why you would think this, I don't blame you, I would think the same, but all of this is sincere, all of this has really happened to me and I am really, honestly asking for advice.