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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Everything posted by sukaina_08

  1. Salaam, I had a somewhat similar situation two years ago. I was living in one city for my internship and traveling back to the city where my university was (about 60 miles away) once or twice a week to attend classes. I fasted the entire time regardless, but wrote in to my marja to ask about what I should do. The response I got back said that I must break my fast even though I was required to travel for classes. I ended up having to make up about half of the month. :( I did read that traveling for work is fine (which was why I thought I would also be fine traveling for school), BUT you should write in and ask regarding your specific situation.
  2. I'm a convert as well, and I most certainly empathize with what you are feeling and experiencing now with being an outsider. We don't fit with our American families or friends, nor the greater society around us. Yet we also don't fit in with the few born Muslims around because so many of them prefer to follow their own cultural practices over Islam. I gave up long ago trying to find Muslim friends, and non-Muslims always hold me at arm's length. I feel like I'm suspended in ambiguity, always unknown, always on the outside, never understood. I agree that it's not anyone's fault really, we're the minority and people (both Muslim and non-Muslim) are going to do activities they like and be with people they feel comfortable around (i.e. those who are similar). So we're left on the outside. It's taken a pretty heavy toll on me mentally, but I just try to get by, day by day. I always remind myself of what God says in the Quran: "Do people think they will be left alone after saying, "we believe" and not be tested?" (29:2) God will always test the believers to reveal our true character and our sincerity, not to Him, but to ourselves. And of course, such trials are necessary because we gain so much valuable knowledge, wisdom, and insight from passing through these trials. We wouldn't achieve higher levels of iman and knowledge if our lives had become so easy and laid back after finding the right path. Fi aman Allah.
  3. Also - I found you on facebook and just sent a friend request - I wanted to message you first but I didn't see that option! I have a picture of me standing in front of a big Christmas tree as my profile pic

  4. Salaam! My parents live about 1.5 hrs from you (Cedar Rapids) - I always drive to see them, but this year for the first time I'm flying (I live 10 hrs from them)! Toooo bad, because I pass right by Rock Island since I take I-80 to get there! But this year I won't have a car. :( Hmm... if I can't see you this time, maybe the next time I go visit them I can drive so I can visit you too, inshAllah!

  5. Salaam ukhti, I understand how you feel with no Shia mosque nearby! I also live in an area with no Shia mosque. I'm a convert, and I am the only Muslim among all my colleagues where I work. I'm also the only Muslim in my family, and actually, my family doesn't even know I'm Muslim (I don't wear a scarf when I see them; just a hat). There will be very serious consequences if I tell them, because they are very conservative, close-minded Christians and hate Islam a great deal. I can't tell them much about myself or my life anymore, and I always feel so alone. I'm isolated from my family, from my coworkers - from everywhere. At least you still have your family, mashAllah. You should be so grateful to Allah for blessing you with a loving, Muslim family who believes the same way you do. You're in the quad cities? My parents live near there... I'll be visiting there over New Year's, inshAllah... Definitely check out the websites other posters have provided; I keep myself occupied with reading and learning about Islam, listening to Shia lectures, and participating in Shiachat. I stay so involved in all of those things that I always feel surrounded by Islam even though physically I am not. I would also recommend http://www.ahlulbayt.tv/. You can watch their shows live 24/7 - I watch it constantly. :) Best wishes, may Allah help you and continue to guide you - fi aman Allah~
  6. Salaam,

    Thanks for your kind comments! :)

  7. Salaam alaykum, Perhaps I can help. I was a non-Muslim (Christian) American girl interested in a Muslim guy. We were friends initially but both of us started to like each other beyond that. He told me that he couldn't continue the relationship unless I agreed to do a temporary marriage with him. He sent me information about it from a website (it might have been al-islam.org; offhand I don't remember exactly though) that explained everything in detail. That way I could read through it, think about it, and pray about it. I was struggling a lot as well with my feelings for him because he was, God forbid, a Muslim. I didn't want to think about the future because I didn't see how we could be together permanently. But in the meantime, I liked him a lot and was awed by the fact that he would give me up for the sake of his religion. He gave me time to think about it before asking me what I thought. I did finally agree because I wanted to do it for his sake, as it was very important to him. I had a few reservations about it being termed as a 'marriage' since I wasn't ready for that yet, BUT the 'temporary' label helped. To me, it seemed like a dating relationship only with clearly defined boundaries and built-in protection for both individuals. Dating is always so confusing and agonizing as you never know exactly where you stand with the other person, and such frank discussions are often avoided. But with mutah, everything is out in the open - and it is very relieving. So trust me, if this girl really likes you, she'll do it, no matter what hesitation she may initially have to the idea. So, I agreed - he told me to repeat the words (in Arabic) after him, and then he gave me a dowry. He had asked me what I wanted, and I was so overwhelmed and honored that he would actually want to GIVE me something... I didn't even want anything, but he insisted and I finally decided on perfume. :) After that, I got down to business trying to convert him to Christianity (because I cared about his eternity, and also because I really did want a future with him somehow).... but Allah subhanawatala had other plans. Although he was content with me being Christian and made no concerted efforts to guide me to Islam, his unwavering logic, clear vision, and profound wisdom (stemming from the teachings of the Ahl Bayt) had an immense impact on me. Instead of converting him to Christianity, in my quest to educate myself more deeply about my religion in order to be better equipped to convince him, I uncovered the real truth of the Bible and Christianity, and ended up converting to Islam instead. :) Neither of us anticipated that at ALL... and now he was suddenly faced with the fact that our relationship could now be continued permanently. He began to tell his family about me, little by little, but they still don't accept it as I am American and simply don't count in their eyes. So who knows what the future holds - BUT - you never know what a simple mutah can do to completely change the life of another person. In the end, even if we end up not being able to be together, he'll still have given me the most precious gift of all that will stay with me for the rest of my life - the influence and guidance of the Prophet and the Ahl Bayt (alayhum salam). If done correctly, honestly, and sincerely, mutah does not necessarily hurt and damage the feelings of the females involved - rather, it can completely change their lives.
  8. MashAllah, thanks so much everyone for your prompt replies! You all are very helpful! And yes, I did mean Sayyed Mustafa Qazwini - the last two years (the only times I've gone), he came from California to speak in Dearborn. I think Sayyed Hassan did the Arabic lectures, at least the nights I was there...
  9. Salaam alaykum all, Muharram is coming up soon and I was hoping to travel to Dearborn, MIchigan to listen to various speakers next weekend, inshAllah . Does anyone know who will be speaking and where? The past few times I've gone, I went to listen to Sayyed Mustafa Qazwini, but recently I've discovered Sheikh Jehad Ismail and would love to hear him if he'll be around.... Any information would be greatly appreciated!
  10. Salam alaykum brother Abu Hadi, Perhaps I could help you out - I have a master's in counseling psychology, so I'm familiar with the process of becoming a certified marriage & family therapist. Essentially, one needs a master's degree in the field (counseling, social work, clinical psychology, etc.) from an accredited master's program, several hours of supervised clinical work (often through internships, often unpaid, no less) - the required hours vary by state (I think where I was the requirement was 2000 hrs), and then a state exam (and sometimes a national exam, depending on the state). A license is required for those wanting to service clients with most types of insurance, along with Medicare & Medicaid. You can work as a counselor without a license, but most insurance companies won't cover it, unfortunately. It is possible to work without a license, as long as you are supervised by a licensed counselor. One of my reasons for pursuing a counseling degree was to work with Muslims (and Shia in particular), but I got stuck when I graduated and didn't have nearly enough clinical hours to be able to sit for the exam. Unfortunately, my program didn't fully prepare us for licensure, and our only option was to continue school in another year and a half long program. I was already in a great deal of debt, completely broke, and really needing to start working, so I just put it all on hold and began working with my other master's degree (in education). I'd still like to do counseling, but am on the fence as to what to do at this point. Even if I went through the extra year and a half, that doesn't necessarily guarantee a valid license in other states. Each state has its own requirements, which means certified counselors may have to take more classes and do more clinical work when relocating. It's a frustrating, disorganized process. I think the federal government should streamline all the requirements so that one can become certified through a regular master's program, just like one can do with nursing or in social work. LSWs (licensed social workers) can work as therapists too, so I'd recommend going that route if you are interested. From what I understand, the social work master's programs are very organized and planned out, so upon graduation, you are eligible to take the licensure exam. I have a few friends who went this route and are now working as therapists (while I'm out here in limbo with a degree that doesn't really work, despite having taken many of the same classes and having gone to school for the same period of time).
  11. Salam, It's been a while since you posted this but I was just doing a search for the same thing and your post came up. I don't know of any Shia centers around Dayton or Columbus (although a few months ago I did manage to come up with something in Columbus, but have since been unable to find it again). However, if you are still in Dayton, you could go to either one of the halal groceries (on Wayne Ave and on Springboro by the mall) and ask the ones working there, as they are Iraqi. I don't know if they are Shia, but being Iraqi I imagine the chances of them being Shia or knowing about Shias is pretty good! If you find out about anything, let me know!
  12. MashAllah brother, welcome to Islam! I'm also a revert (of 2 years), although I was raised as an Evangelical (Protestant) Christian. I was very religious and steadfast in my faith up through college, but then I started having questions about the true identity of Jesus (as). I thought my questions could never be solved though, and decided not to become a missionary as I had originally planned - since I thought it would be hypocritical trying to convince others that my path was right while I still had questions of my own. It wasn't until the end of my graduate studies that I first encountered Islam - walked into my very first classroom teaching experience with a room full of Arab Muslims, and realized I knew absolutely nothing about them. I started reading up on it, and even befriended a few Muslims who started discussing religion with me. I was deadset on converting them to Christianity, but alhamdilulah, by the grace of God, I ended up converting instead. :) In my earnestness to convert them, I began pouring over a book written by Biblical scholars tackling the tough issues regarding the Bible (so I could answer their tough questions!), and was entirely unconvinced and found the explanations illogical and based on far too many assumptions and little evidence. At the same time, I was becoming very attracted to the Ahl Bait (as), as my Muslim friends were Shia. I was amazed at the Prophet's (saws) kind, compassionate family with such amazing wisdom (especially Imam Ali, (as)... it caused me a great deal of confusion - how could some other 'invalid' religion be full of such purity, morality, wisdom, and truth? Very early on, before I had any actual interest in Islam other than finding what was wrong with it, I had thought to myself that if I had to choose, I would definitely pick Shia over Sunni, partly because of the Ahl Bait, and also because what I had already researched about Islam that I had found to be illogical and seemingly 'man-made' was from Sunni Islam. After reading Nahjul Balagha and the Quran, I was completely convinced. I did some more research into the sects as I wanted to be thoroughly sure, and found the decision to be incredibly clear and easy. The detailed version of my story is in my signature line (also my blog). I used to live near St. Louis - in Jefferson City, actually. It sounds like you've found a community there, which is great. InshAllah your Ramadhan will be easy and a great blessing to you. I also hope that your wife and family will accept your new beliefs, and will also be attracted to the Ahl Bait, just as you were.
  13. Wow this is a really old thread... but hey, since we're on the subject... here's mine (the post regarding my conversion story is in my signature line): http://sakina08.wordpress.com/
  14. Wasalaam and ramadhan kareem sister, You haven't given much detail regarding the context of your situation, so it is difficult to understand what is motivating his behavior. Yet, from what you posted, it sounds like there are certainly a lot of problems: you've said that you've had numerous difficult problems in your relationship (such as?), that you are unable to get married (why?), he has a bad temper, and he sounds controlling and unwilling to understand your situation regarding abaya. Also without knowing what country you are in makes it hard to comment as well. Do your parents know of your plan to get married? Has your relationship been halal? What other issues besides abaya has he been upset about? Without sufficient context, this is only conjecture: I wonder if perhaps neither of your families know of your plans - or they disapprove of the marriage, which has perhaps lent to some of the issues. I also wonder if his parents are pushing him to marry someone else (or he's found someone else), and this is why he's suddenly cut off contact? From his behavior, it just sounds like he's looking for excuses to cut off the relationship with you. Perhaps he thought you would be unwilling or unable to wear abaya given your circumstances, hence why he asked for that so he could use it as an excuse. But when you actually did it, he was left without any excuses and now just has to cut everything off. I'm also unsure why you are so attached to him when it sounds like he doesn't treat you well nor think of you very highly - he doesn't listen to you, he is demanding, controlling, and gets angry easily. You wouldn't want that to escalate to physical violence later on in marriage (although emotional abuse is equally damaging), either against you or your children. Plus, why would you remain attached to someone who obviously doesn't care about you? He doesn't deserve your devotion - you should save your love for someone who can return it and who will value and respect you the way you truly and Islamically deserve. Sometimes we fall in love with the idea of love, and not necessarily the person themselves (as is common when we're younger). Or, sometimes we have little exposure or experience with the opposite gender, so we accept many negative things that they wouldn't put up with otherwise if we were less sheltered (particularly when our families aren't involved, as we don't have the life experience to make us aware of how bad our situation is). Further, many of us confuse the hormones that give us an elated rush and drive physical attraction with true love - and those two things are entirely different. Of course, even when the worst of relationships end (particularly when it was sudden, without explanation, and many questions are left unanswered), it is completely normal to feel a great deal of pain. It is difficult to lose a big part of your life, no matter how awful or fantastic it may have been. You'll feel better in no time though; keep putting your focus on God and devote yourself to staying on the straight path. Allahu alim - God knows what is best for you, even when our current circumstances may not look promising. Perhaps He is saving you from an awful situation, and has something much better in store for you.
  15. Salaam, I'd love to hear input from others as well... but I can contribute as to what I personally do. This is my third Ramadhan, so for the past two, my schedule was such that I was able to exercise in the morning while I still had a lot of energy. The only downside was having a dry mouth the rest of the day... but no issues other than that. With my schedule now though, I won't be able to go until 5 or so, so I'm concerned that I'll be tired by then and won't be able to push myself as hard as I usually do. I know some people wait to go until about 7 or 8, as they can come back from the gym and break their fast soon after and not have to worry about feeling thirsty or hungry or anything. I personally can't exercise past 7 pm because it makes me too wired to sleep, so I'm stuck having to do it earlier.
  16. In reference to the usage of 'shia' in the hadith, remember that 'shia' simply means follower. Those in the Jafari school are the shia of Ali (as). When Muawiya was opposing Imam Ali, this term became more prevalent as people were divided into 'the shia of Muawiya' and 'the shia of Ali'. In the hadith mentioned here, the shia of the Dajjal means the followers of the Dajjal.
  17. Imam Jaffar as-Sadiq said that arguing with a fool is like putting wood on a fire (Lantern of the Path, section 73). Also relevant: "When ignorance advances, there is darkness; when it retreats, there is light.... The key to ignorance is being satisfied with the knowledge one possess, and placing all one's trust in it (Lantern of the Path, section 33).
  18. Wa salaam, Thanks for your reply! Actually both sources I gave are from non-Muslim sites. The first is from ABC news, stating that some of the dye is made from beetles (in which they state: "The Food and Drug Administration may recommend that companies list beetle additives as "carmine" or "cochineal"), and the second is an independent website that lists the food and drink that use Red 40. The person who told me that dyes were made from beetles is not Muslim. I subsequently wondered on my own accord if insects generally and beetles specifically were allowed for consumption, and tried to search for it on my own. I did find some seemingly Sunni sites discussing it, mentioning that M & Ms are haram (which use this dye). I couldn't find anything on Sistani's website about it (in the English section - I can't read Arabic so I don't know if anything is mentioned there). Salaam alaykum Avjar, Thank you very much for the hadith! This was very helpful! It seems then that it's probably ok, based on what you've posted. You're right that it is a tiny part of the beetle being used - apparently there are no beetle 'parts or pieces', but instead, a chemical from the wings is extracted out to make the dye. I still felt grossed out for a few hours after reading about it though... I'll have to remind myself that it's just the juice, not the beetle parts... which is actually still gross to think about.... :wacko: Actually what you posted about the ants helped solve a dilemma I had a few days ago too - I was cooking some rice and found ants in it (they had gotten into the oil, in fact). It grossed me out so I ended up just starting over. Looks I didn't necessarily have to do that, according to the hadith (although I don't think I would have had much of an appetite....).
  19. Salaam alaykum, It was recently pointed out to me that a good majority of food and drink products use food coloring made from beetles. I then wondered if insects in general were haram, and had a hard time coming up with anything. I did find a book of laws on al-islam.org that stated that locusts are halal for consumption (apparently also supported by hadith in both Bukhari and Muslim). One of my Saudi friends said that they sometimes eat locusts there too. BUT, that doesn't answer my question about insects in general, and beetles specifically. If we cannot eat beetles, that means a LOT of food and drink with artificial coloring will now be haram. Some products that use the dye: Pillsbury, M & Ms, Hershey, Kraft, Sunkist, Lipton, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, General Mills, Breyers, Kellogg, Nabisco... just to name a few!! A complete list can be found here. Does anyone know if beetles are haram? Sources please. Oops my apologies: I thought I posted this in the Islamic Laws & Jurisprudence, but apparently I didn't! I would appreciate it if a mod could move it for me. :)
  20. Salaam sister, The original poster, beechlgz, was not asking about the evidence of hijab in Quran. She was asking about the practicality of swimming while still remaining modest. It might be better if you make a new thread to continue your discussion with the other members, as it is taking this thread off-topic and beechlgz is not getting the responses she was looking for regarding her question. She also stated that she is not Muslim, so all this very specific discussion utlizing Islamic terminology and hadith and theories is confusing and frustrating for her, as she said herself.
  21. Salaam, Usually I agree with you sister, but on this I disagree. From having a master's degree in social science and having done a lot of reading and studying on this subject, I can assure you that social inequities in the US are vast - it is simply illusion that every single American citizen has equal access and opportunity to bettering themselves and earning a degree. The problems with this fantasy are numerous. First, k-12 public school districts receive funding primarily through taxes (including local and state), which means that poor areas receive far less funding that more well-off areas. This impacts the school system as the school can't offer a competitive salary to attract high-caliber teachers. Schools can't afford updated books, or the latest technology - or even the very basics. Lower income students have a higher risk of having a poor quality of life at home because their basic needs (both physical and emotional) are often not being met. If one or both are not being met, a child's chances of success at anything outside of that are dismal. If they are hungry and cannot concentrate, they will not do well in school (studies show that children who do not receive adequate nutrition not only have performance and concentration issues, but they also have stunted brain growth - permanent brain damage!). If they do not have the emotional support of the family at home (either because of a broken or abusive home or from parents who are overworked and underpaid, or who come from a culture that doesn't value or trust public education, or whose parents are uneducated and lack the skills to help their children, or who come from a home culture that is vastly different from that in the public school), the child will not do well in school. If a child does not have a good, solid support system at home, and is further physically impaired because of poor nutrition, they will not be able to achieve good grades. Without good grades, they won't perform well on standardized tests (which often have cultural bias as well), which means that their school won't receive extra funding from the federal government (as funding is often determined by standardized test scores). These students also won't be accepted into any universities due to poor grades, and they certainly won't qualify for highly competitive scholarships. Sure, there are some scholarship opportunities for minorities, but for those who come from lower socioeconomic households, their ability to succeed in college is much lower as they don't have the basic skills they need to succeed. However, if you were blessed to come from a middle-class and up household and had a supportive family environment at home (as I'm guessing you did), then yes, you now have the necessary tools that enable you to work hard to earn a degree. I would also HIGHLY caution people against taking out loans, as more often than not, the debt to earning ratio is sadly unbalanced. What most people end up making when they graduate and get out into the real world is highly insufficient in light of the enormous debt (not to mention all the interest) they now have to repay. Student loan debt is a lifelong enslavement - it doesn't matter if you can't find work or if you are underemployed or underpaid. You can't declare bankruptcy on student loans as per the law, and even if you default on your student loans, the government will simply take your salary and tax refunds until it gets all its money back. This is a grim reality facing many who have student loans, as the poor economy, lack of jobs, and low salaries make paying back loans in a short amount of time a near impossibility.
  22. Salaam to both of you! I'm also a revert and would be more than happy to know other revert Muslims! I know very few Muslims in real life and feel pretty isolated and alone most of the time. I think you have to have 50 posts to send a private message, so you can send me a message through my blog if you want (in my signature line), and we can go from there. :)
  23. lol yes it seems that your thread has been hijacked. Back to your question, I love swimming myself too, but haven't been very much since converting (due to a lack of funds to buy something more appropriate!). Even before converting, I also felt uncomfortable with how exposed and naked we are in a swimming suit, so I would often wear a shirt and/or shorts over it. There are swimming suits for Muslim ladies, such as the one the other poster showed you (called a burkini - you can find them online). I've also seen some websites selling modest swimwear in general - not specifically for Muslim women, but just for anyone not wanting to be half naked and show off each single line and curve in their body, on full display. Although they're still kind of tight, a wet suit might work too, since you can get those that cover the legs and the arms completely.
  24. Hi Beechlgz, I'm not sure what your friend means that an online version of the Quran is 'worthless'... the translation and its impact are the same whether it appears in online form or in actual physical form. God does not require extensive, complicated rituals in order to connect with Him - He is there for you at any time and any place. Being clean (what your friend was referring to) before you touch the Arabic letters in the Quran, or before you pray is done out of respect for God - just as you wouldn't show up to meet the president wearing rags and not having taken a shower at least, you also wouldn't appear before God in an unclean state for the same reasons. However, God does not NEED that - it is just our way of showing our respect and sincerity. Yet, reading the Quran without doing that does not automatically mean your brain will be disabled and you won't be able to understand anything at all - that is not logical. I agree with what some others have noted - that it doesn't sound like he and his mother are being very helpful with regard to your curiosity about Islam. The thing is that you should never wait for others to guide you to truth. Other people will always let you down - we're all human after all. If you desire to know the truth, then you should do whatever you can to learn, using whatever methods you have available to you. Many people have converted to Islam just after reading the Quran by themselves, without knowing or talking to a single Muslim. Reading the Quran will give you a good idea of who God is and the foundations on which Islam stands. Again, I would really encourage you to just start reading the Quran. It isn't rocket science that can only be explained by experts. Although you of course won't know what everything you read is referring to, the overall message is simple and clear. Really, what is the point of a religion if the normal, everyday person can't understand it? You are more than welcome to talk to us on here - and again, you can talk to me personally if you'd like also. You have to have 50 posts I think to send a private message to someone on here, so you can also send me a message through my blog (in my signature line). There I can give you my msn screen name so that it's in real time, if that's something you prefer.
  25. Hi Beechlgz, I'm so glad you stumbled onto this forum and had the courage to post. Your posts brought tears to my eyes - I felt so moved by your earnestness, sincerity, and desire not for simply appeasing your boyfriend, but for the desire to find truth and do the right thing for your own conscience's sake. I am a female, American convert to Islam. I was actually very anti-Islam for the majority of my life, and only when I encountered some Muslims (who, looking back, weren't even all that religious) did all of my preconceived ideas begin to be challenged. The real shift in my viewpoint began when I started reading the Quran, which I suggest you do. So many people convert by simply reading the Quran. In fact, conversions skyrocketed after 9/11 because people were curious and started reading the Quran because they wanted to know more about the religion. They quickly realized that Islam is categorically opposed to terrorism, and the truth, simplicity, and logic of the religion resonated with their innermost being. When I first began reading the Quran, from the very first chapter I felt shaken to the core - I felt that the Author was speaking directly to me, addressing all the questions I had, and answering questions I hadn't even thought of! Here's a link to an online Quran: http://quran.al-islam.org/. Check the English translation and uncheck the Arabic, then click 'display' so you can read it. Here's also a comprehensive website that has numerous books, articles, and lectures on Islam: http://www.al-islam.org/. There's a section that provides an overview of Islam, another section about Sunni and Shia, and the library tab at the top of the page has a detailed alphabetical list of topics that you can browse as well. I would suggest to start by reading the Quran. Then start learning about Prophet Muhammad (peace be on him and his family) and those close to him. Learn about early Islamic history, who are the important people in Prophet Muhammad's time, what did they do, etc. Learn about Sunni and Shia as well. Although they share many things, they differ on very important aspects (essentially, Sunnis follow what Prophet Muhammad's companions have said, while Shia follow what Prophet Muhammad's family have said). Learn about Sunni Islam from Sunnis. Learn about Shia Islam from Shias. If one side accuses the other of something, investigate it. When you start to get a better idea of Islam, you should read Al-Tijani's book "Ask Those Who Know." He discusses the Sunni/Shia issues in great detail. You can find it on al-islam.org. You can also read my conversion story too if you want - it's in my signature line. :) And you can of course contact me personally at any time (either on here or through my blog). I would be more than happy to help you in any way I can. Prophet Muhammad said once, "The number of paths to God are as many as the number of human souls." We all find God in our own way, with our own unique experiences, questions, confusions, and timing. The Quran says, "God guides those whom He will, and He knows the best of those who receive guidance" (28:56). Which means, God knows if you are earnest and sincere in finding the truth, and He will guide you if you are. God knows the best for you and knows what is in your heart, and I'm sure you will find Him.
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