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In the Name of God بسم الله

Maisam Haider

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  1. This is good and big blessing of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). But at the same time, one has to accept that marital relations are only temporary in this world. Once a woman's husband dies, she can and Islamically she should marry again and develop a relationship with a new man. Likewise, if a man loves his wife but she dies, the man is encouraged to move on and get a new wife. So no matter how much you love your spouse, one day...sooner or later...the relationship will break. So one has to accept and live with the fact that his wife may not be just his wife, she can be wife of other men. It can be hard to accept this reality, esp when you love your wife a lot, but this is how Allah has set the rules of this world.....the husband-wife is the closest relationship but it is also the weakest. Even Imam Ali (عليه السلام) mentions this when he talks about dead people...that their homes have been taken over by other people and their wives are now wives of other men. I don't have a specific opinion on the opening topic because it is quite variable. Yes, I believe for some men...just getting a new wife for the purpose of variety can turn out to be damaging for their spiritual uplift.
  2. Actually to live in the western world where there is so much temptation is itself self harm to ones psych. A Muslim should ideally live in a muslim land where the chances of getting frustrated because of lack of marriage are less than the western world.
  3. Yes. Regarding carnal desires, the most important thing is that there is absolutely and categorically no way at all that any unmarried person can satisfy his carnal desire in any way. There is complete and 100% prohibition on unmarried individuals to fulfill their sexual urge. A person who is unmarried can give no excuse or justification or any reason to fall into any sexual sin. It isn't allowed to even have any forbidden sexual thoughts, let alone perform any sexual sin. People cannot claim that it is an impossible target to achieve because Allah doesn't test anyone with a burden greater than he can carry. So a person must do whatever it takes regardless of how difficult it may be to avoid sexual sins. If he has to fast, he must fast. If he has to marry, he must marry. Basically, an unmarried person must leave no stone unturned to battle with his carnal needs to avoid sexual sins. Because of the fact that there is zero tolerance for sexual sins in Islamic law, therefore the goal of marriage is also the same...the goal is that once married...there can be hope that the chance of sexual sins will go down. Yet, being unmarried still gives no leeway for a person to perform any sin. Is a man allowed to complain that he is falling into sexual sins only because he is unmarried....? Is that considered a good enough excuse or a genuine reason? Of course not... otherwise, unmarried people would have been allowed to sin if they couldn't get married.
  4. If the people who aren't falling into sin, but just have the fear of haram, are the minority group, then who are those unmarried people who neither fall into haram, nor do they have any fear of haram? This is a very, very important group of unmarried men because the fatwa about marriage is actually and mainly directed at these men who don't sin and don't even fear sin either. The fatwa states: Marriage is recommended, unless there is fear of sin, in which case it becomes obligatory. This fatwa seems to show that the norm, or the default state is that an unmarried man neither commits sin nor has any fear of sin. This is how all unmarried man are expected to be, from the way the fatwa is designed. For such a man, marriage is recommended. But the person who has fear of sin is considered an exception here, not the rule. The fearful man is already someone who has deviated from the standard group of men for whom marriage is recommended. The point is that the fatwa doesn't say that marriage is obligatory for every person who is baligh, unless he has no fear of sin - in that case, it is recommended to marry. The fatwa is the other way round and it is mainly addressing people who are unmarried and they don't sin and they also don't have any fear of sin. If such people are no where to be found, then why is the fatwa directed at them? Even people who don't sin but just have the fear of sin are technically one step behind the unmarried man who is fully chaste without any slightest chance of sin at all. Should this not be the goal of an unmarried man.....to not just stop sinning, but also have no fear of sin either?...so that he is included in the standard category of men for whom marriage is recommended but not obligatory. Regardless of how difficult it may be to stay chaste, and how difficult it may be to get married or do mutah, the ideal unmarried muslim is the one who has no fear of sin. Since Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). never tests anyone with a burden greater than what he can carry, and at the same time, Islamic law requires that unmarried men do not sin even if they have to stay unmarried for their entire lives, it means that it must be possible to stay unmarried for very long periods and still neither sin nor have any desire to sin. So if an unmarried man develops fear of sin, he should look at where he has gone wrong... because he could have been a man who is so pious that he doesn't even fear sin. If he hasn't become a man like that, then he should blame himself rather than blaming the society.
  5. "People are asleep, they will wake up when their eyes will open...and the eyes open when they get shut." Imam Ali (عليه السلام) - not verbatim (not exact words).
  6. Agree with everything you said brother Abu Hadi. Regarding the fatwa...I consider it this way: If a man knows that it is easily possible for him to get married as soon as he wishes, without any hurdles, then it is not a matter of concern if he develops fear of sin by being unmarried - because the solution for that fear (marriage) is available to him. He will follow the fatwa that he has to get married if he develops fear of sin and the issue will be solved. But when a man knows that he will not be able to get married easily, because of severe resistance from family/society/circumstances etc., and it may take him months-years to get married, then he actually shouldn't develop fear of sin. Because fear of sin makes marriage wajib and when the man knows that he will not be able to marry anytime soon, then he should not put himself in any situation where marriage becomes wajib upon him. If unmarried men first make marriage wajib upon themselves by developing fear of sin and then they are unable to get married because of family/society pressures, then they could be questioned why they made marriage obligatory upon themselves in the first place. So the ideal situation should be that men who find it difficult to get married anytime soon, should not make marriage obligatory on themselves, because they would then find themselves in a position where they will not only have to face the grief of having the fear of sinning but also the grief of not being able to fulfill something which is wajib for them. So, when marriage isn't possible...then there should be no fear of sin either. This is one angle to look at the fatwa which makes marriage wajib. Of course, there can be other angles too. But the jist is that when people cannot get married, then they should be extra-extra-extra careful that they suppress their sexual desires to such low levels, that even the fear of sin does not arise.... because otherwise they would make something wajib upon themselves which they will not find easy to fulfill.
  7. There are cancer patients in this world who wait for long time to get treatment. This isn't because they wish to delay treatment - it is because they cannot afford the treatment and there is nobody who will help them financially. If getting treatment was in their own hands, they would not wait a single day. Similarly, there are many young unmarried men in this world who wish to get married and would not wait a single day - but they cannot get married because their marriage is not in their own hands. Their circumstances do not allow them to get married, so they have to wait for long time, even years. For example, if a person is in prison and wishes to get married, he might have to wait for his prison term to end which may take years or decades. This isn't something which is in his control. Or suppose a man is engaged to a woman who is in a different country and due to immigration rules, they cannot travel and meet each other until their visa is processed which can take years. In these circumstances, you cannot blame the individual for delaying marriage. Instead, they should be given hope that sooner or later, Allah will remove the obstacles that prevent their marriages. But until that happens, they should remain patient. Asking them to get married when they are facing such difficult situations can be more depressing and hurtful, even though the advice is good, but it can be painful to think that if you had the chance, you would not wait a day to get married but may be forced, compelled, bound by circumstances to stay single for extended periods.
  8. "I ask Allah for Hoor Al Ayn." It's part of a Dua in which he asks Allah for other things including Heaven.
  9. Ws. There are narrations that the prettiest Hoor Al Ayn in heaven would be the man's wife in this world. Imam Ali (عليه السلام) used to read this Dua after every prayer:
  10. If one wishes to get married but thinks he will never be able to get married because there is 0% chance of that happening, then I believe Allah may actually leave him in that situation where he will never be able to get married, because this is what he expected from Allah. But if a person wishes to get married but it is extremely, extremely difficult for him to get married or even impossible (for example, he is marooned on a deserted Island alone), but he has hope that Allah will still somehow work out a solution for him, then Allah will make it possible for him to get married - one way or another. A man fell very seriously ill. The Prophet (s) visited him and gave him hope that he will get better soon inshaAllah. But the man said no, he will surely die of this serious disease. The Prophet (s) said: if this is what you think, then so be it. (Not verbatim)...and I think then he died. Lesson: Never lose hope in Allah because the one who loses hope is a kafir. يَـٰبَنِىَّ ٱذْهَبُواْ فَتَحَسَّسُواْ مِن يُوسُفَ وَأَخِيهِ وَلَا تَاْيْــَٔسُواْ مِن رَّوْحِ ٱللَّهِ‌ۖ إِنَّهُۥ لَا يَاْيْــَٔسُ مِن رَّوْحِ ٱللَّهِ إِلَّا ٱلْقَوْمُ ٱلْكَـٰفِرُونَ “O my sons, go and search for Yusuf and his brother, and do not lose hope in the mercy of Allah; indeed none lose hope in the mercy of Allah except the disbelieving people.” (12:87)
  11. Ws. Yes, the blame can be equal. But the need for a man to fulfill his sexual desire is different from a woman's need. That's why Islamically, the wife is obligated to provide intimacy to her husband whenever he asks (with few exceptions), but on the other hand, the husband is obligated to provide intimacy at least once every 4 months. Because of this difference, men are possibly more likely to feel that their wives do not fulfill their sexual rights like the way they should. In the best case scenario, a couple would not feel bound by these rules and would be mutually understanding of each other's needs. That is the ideal situation. But when the sexual desire is unmatched with one spouse having higher and the other having lower desire, then this ideal situation becomes difficult to achieve. This is when people feel unsatisfied and frustrated because of their unfulfilled urges. But even if there is no food to eat at home and one has to remain hungry, that doesn't give him any excuse to eat outside because that is illegal. So even if a husband or a wife doesn't let their spouses have any intimacy, it still wouldn't justify any sexual sin. One would just have to be patient if they are in a sexless marriage and not use this as a reason for any sin. But regardless of the situation, having hope is important because a hopeful person would feel thankful for whatever intimacy he/she can get, whereas a hopeless person would feel dissatisfied and uncontented even if they have ample opportunity to fulfill their sexual needs.
  12. Men should get married in the hope that this will not be the case. They should thank Allah if they are saved from such troubles and hardships. But if they do end up getting married to women who have such low sexual desires, then they should pray to Allah, keep patient and hope that sooner or later their wives will give up their resistance to have sexual relations. "And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes..." (25:74) "So, surely with hardship comes ease" (94:5)
  13. This is a good topic and highlights several important points. There have been surveys of married couples which aim to get an idea of how sexually satisfied do individuals feel in their marriages. The majority of couples feel unsatisfied with their sexual health despite being married and the reasons for this are numerous. Oftentimes, the reason may be that the individual who feels unsatisfied is the one who himself is the cause of his own sexual frustration. For example, if a married man doesn't lower his gaze from unrelated women, or watches lewd sexual material on internet, then his sexual desire might reach a level where he will feel not contented with what his wife has to offer. This will lead to sexual frustration. Another topic here worth discussing is the very unfortunate situation in which the husband is a very pious, decent, modest man who doesn't commit any sexual haram, but his wife persistently denies him any sexual intimacy at all. Many women can go through stages or periods of their married life where their sexual desire decreases and they do not wish to have any sexual relations. This can be natural. But there are also some women for whom this reduced libido is not a temporary thing - it is almost permanent. These women can spend their entire lives without actually feeling any need for any intimacy. Not just that, some wives actually feel very put off by the idea of having any sexual relations with their husbands, even though the husband may be the most caring and loving spouse. Sometimes the reason for this reduced libido may be certain illnesses or depression or medication etc. But not always. Some women just naturally have extremely low libido, so low that they can go months to years without feeling any need for any sexual contact at all. There are cases where a couple has been married, for example for 30 years but have had no sexual relations for the last 25 years - even though they have been living together in the same house all this time. The reason could be that the wife feels no need for any intimacy and is happy in her sexless life, but she is least bothered about how sexually frustrated her husband has been all this time. There is also another important topic in this and that is woman's sexual desire during pregnancy. A young man and a woman get married. Initially, they are very happy and enjoy their sexual life, although the husband does get a hint that the wife is not inclined towards sex as much as he is himself. But the wife does get pregnant after a few months and she then realizes that her sexual desire has completely and absolutely disappeared. Just like a little child has no libido at all, similarly this pregnant woman has zero libido. Not only that, any sexual activity of any sort actually is like a huge burden for the pregnant woman. She wishes that her husband does not even touch her body, let alone have sex. She demands that the husband doesn't have any sex for the entire duration of the pregnancy, not even once. She also states that husband cannot understand how difficult it is to be pregnant and it is a period in which having sex is something which a woman cannot even imagine. She brings forward the rule that a woman is allowed to refuse sex if she is unwell and uses this to justify that she can deny sex to her husband for 9 months. Moreover, the end of pregnancy is the start of the lactation period and this again is a very stressful period for the wife. Again, the wife can say that for the next 6-7 months that she intends to feed the child her milk, she will not want to have any sexual relationship with her husband. In this example, the total period of sexual abstinence comes out to be about 1.5 years, during which the wife is completely satisfied with her sexless life and the husband has been extremely frustrated. Let's suppose they are able to resume some sexual activity and the husband desires to have a second child. The wife then says that she is ready to become pregnant again but on the condition that if she becomes pregnant, then the husband will not demand any sexual intimacy of any sort for the next 1-2 years. If the husband wishes another baby, then he is forced to agree to this rule. The question here is...how much frustrating it will be for such a man to suppress his sexual desire for so long...and still not commit haram? Of course Islam gives men the option for multiple marriages and mutah, but these options are not always possible. Wives who deny sexual rights to their husbands are not uncommon. That's why hadiths have warned women about this behavior....for example, angels curse the wife if her husband sleeps before she provided intimacy etc. etc. A big issue is that if an unmarried person commits a sexual sin, his punishment is half that of a married man. But if the married man is the one whose wife says she will not have sex for the next 1-2 years, then it will be more difficult for him to avoid haram than an unmarried person. There is a Hadith that if a man looks at woman and he finds her attractive, he should go home and have sex with his wife. But if the man knows that his wife will not let him have sex for the next one year or so, should he then also lower his gaze from his own wife so that he doesn't get even more frustrated by looking at her, or being with her in the same room? If a wife is otherwise very religious, caring, loving, humble...but still refuses to have sex because it is like a huge burden for her, rather than being pleasurable....then what does Islam recommend to the husband? There is an incident that the Prophet (s) once married a woman but Ayesha was jealous. Before the woman could spend the first night with the Prophet, Ayesha persuaded her to ask him to divorce her. When the newly wed woman met the Prophet (s), he asked her to offer herself to him. She declined and demanded divorce. The Prophet (s) did not argue and simply sent her back to her home. (I don't have a reference for this) I think the learning point is that if the wife refuses sex, the husband should not force her, should not compel her into it. There is also the Hadith that if the man calls his wife and she delays it till the point that he goes to sleep, then the angels curse her till the time he sleeps. But here again, the learning point is that the husband is shown as being patient in the face of this big trial where his wife is least bothered about any sex. Sometimes, a wife may unwilling allow her husband to have sex, but then makes him feel guilty for putting her through the big physical hardship of having sex at the end of a busy day. She may show her anger and dislike for his desire for sex due to which she is obligated to take a bath in the middle of the night. Such wives are the cause of extreme mental frustration for their husbands....but patience and more patience is what is needed. Being married is like completing half faith, but when sexual health is severely affected in marriage due to mismatched sexual urges of the spouses, then completing half faith is not something that can be achieved easily. Sexual patience is not something which can end abruptly with marriage. Instead, a man (or a woman) may have to face extremes of sexual frustrations even after marriage. But the reward for their lifelong patience is with Allah who will give them partners who will never deny them any sexual intimacy. May Allah keep all married couples away from these frustrations and may He give enough patience to those who are living sexless married lives to stay away from sins despite having unsatisfied sexual needs.
  14. Yes, although sometimes people can be in situations where marriage isn't possible and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) himself mentions this:... Sura 24 - Ayat 33 "And those who do not have the means to get married must keep chaste till Allah provides them the resources by His munificence...."
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