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In the Name of God بسم الله

Love4the14

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About Love4the14

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    USA
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    Shia

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  1. He’s probably bitter about the breakup and is doing it on purpose to taunt her and mess with her brain. If he had really moved on he wouldn’t still be messaging her
  2. It’s not your job to help him change. It sounds like he is expecting you to fix him and then he is manipulating you emotionally by telling bc you that you need to support him this way. There is no question about ‘if’ this is toxic. The fact that you’re now afraid to communicate is a big enough sign!! You will always feel like you have to turn your unhappiness inward instead of feeling free to discuss it with him. If it feels like the relationship is turning you into someone you don’t want to be... then you should run and don’t look back. Just remember broken engagements are painful but it’s only temporary....the pain of an unhappy marriage is worse
  3. Thank you for your prayer and kind words...What you have said about losing respect for him really resonates with me, bc that is EXACTLY how I felt and I realized that the ‘love’ I had for him slowly went out the window bc there weren’t many positive things left to respect about him. Also, lack of trust essentially broke my deal as well - I’m sure married people can weigh in on trust and respect being the basis of a good relationship. Respect goes both ways, so if you feel he is hurting you and disregarding your feelings, then he is not showing you the respect you deserve. And in turn that’s why it is difficult to respect him. It hurts to know you’re not getting back what you’re putting in. Also if you’re feeling like things are getting harder and harder now.....the stresses after marriage are even harder!! Do you really want to start off fighting an uphill battle? Is he really worth it? It’s important to pay close attention to your feelings and how he reacts to you and it sounds like you have good judgement of his character so far. I know it can be hard bc most ppl around us have the ‘just make it work’ mentality. But you can only make it work if the other person has proven they are willing to work as hard as you and it sounds like this isn’t the case. Personalities are extremely difficult to change. I hope things get easier for you soon iA and you are guided to the right decisions.... feel free to PM me if I can be of more help ...
  4. 1 am is pretty late and even if you are 28, if u still live with your parents they are responsible for you and will be concerned for your wellbeing. Parents do get pretty angry when they are not able to contact u so I can understand why she would have flipped out. But it was wrong for her to make the comment about them drugging you, you should try to get help from someone else in your family to talk to your mom bc if she continues to say things like this it will have an effect on you and your marriage. Sometimes I wonder if moms bc of their overprotective nature take it to an extreme and have trouble letting go of their kids. I think moms generally tend to say bad things about the other side bc they think they are making you ‘smarter’ by warning you about things that could go wrong but all they are doing is making you paranoid and destroying your happiness. Speaking from personal experience
  5. Strongly disagree. There are some ppl with terrible personalities out there and if you wait till after marriage to ‘discover’ then that’s how ppl end up in abusive relationships. Even if you check references, that person could present an excellent persona to the rest of the public who will all sing his or her praises but then they turn out to be really dysfunctional within a relationship. So you should still take your time getting to know them, within the bounds of Islam. Sorry off topic
  6. This Is a very important question OP and one I have been thinking about myself, as I recently broke off an engagement and it ended badly with him having angry feelings toward me as it was close to the wedding. I asked him for one more conversation once the dust settled so we could have a more calm and respectful conversation as to why things ended- he said he would call me when he was ready and I haven’t heard from him in months which is probably for the best. He is either too angry or doesn’t care. You’re right, it is selfish to go back and contact someone if they have been hurt, they are most likely trying to forget you and move on. Healing is really important after a breakup and I agree that NO CONTACT is the best way for both sides. How is repeatedly bringing that person back into your life going to help? in Islam we know that friendship between nonmahram is not allowed. If you have decided you are not getting married, then ‘checking up’ just to ‘say salaam’ is basically trying to maintain a friendship. You need to distance yourself from that person in order to accept they are no longer in your life. It’s hard at first but gets easier with time and soon they will become a distant memory. Also what is going to happen when you get engaged then married to someone else?? Would they be happy you’re still contacting your ex?? Of course not. If you feel disrespectful by not responding, just say I think it’s best we don’t maintain contact, I have no hard feelings toward you etc.
  7. Salaam I recall reading in one of Ayatollah Sistanis books that if one needs to pray while sitting down due to illness, each rakah has to be prayed twice. I tried to find it again but don’t remember where exactly I read it. Does anyone have a link to the fatwa?
  8. If you are starting to feel disrespected, trust me this is the beginning of the end of your relationship. Once you feel he is not respecting you, you’ll lose respect for him as well and I think you already have. If you’re feeling depressed on his account now is the time to leave, don’t take a risk and hope that it will change the longer you stick around. If you ‘feel’ like you are going to resent him, then you probably will and truthfully it sounds like you already do but maybe just don’t want to let go of the relationship. Follow your instincts and RUN while you can. Don’t worry about starting over, that part is easy. Accepting that the relationship has failed or is failing is the hard part.
  9. Agreed. If you think he has serious flaws then you will spend your time trying to ‘fix’ him and in the meantime your needs won’t be taken care of. Of course I don’t know you personally, so if you think you can be patient and tolerate him that’s something you have to think about. Just know that a lifetime commitment is just that and if you are hoping someone’s personality will change you may be disappointed.
  10. Listen to your instincts. Don’t worry what others around you think, you are the one who has to live with him. I just broke off my engagement a few months ago and wish I had listened to my instincts earlier instead of getting advice from others. For me the red flags were: getting easily irritable, not resolving conflicts very soon after but waiting till the next day, lack of taking responsibility for his actions, not being aware of his own emotions (for example denying that he raised his voice at me when he did), lies, defensiveness, and not acknowledging my emotions when I’ve told him he has hurt me. And the list goes on... Unfortunately I didn’t realize these things till just a month or two before the wedding. He was an angel before that. Also- Beware of something called ‘love bombing’ which is when they shower you with emotion and promises for the future thinking it will make you happy.
  11. Salaam Does anyone know of any lecture series/online workshops by reputable scholars re: preparing for marriage? I don’t mean searching for a spouse, rather preparing for the actual marriage, dealing with conflicts, fulfilling responsibilities etc. thank you
  12. I realize I was harsh in my comment about respect. My perceived ‘loss of respect’ is probably just me being judgmental and critical of another persons deeds which I think is wrong of me to feel that way. Life will be really difficult if I look at him (or others) this way and if I think I am better than him in this regard . As I said the difficult part is just me realizing that he is not 100% who I thought he was or wanted him to be, but that is pretty much a feature of all relationships from what I know. The sense I get is that he occasionally covers things up to avoid discomfort and does pray but slips up frequently as do the rest of us. He is genuinely a kind hearted person, knows how to treat a woman and always listens to me so I feel silly getting hung up on this one thing. He has told me that he appreciates my religiosity and he hopes we can make each other better, so that tells me he is willing to grow and change. (So I hope) I think it is a matter of just hoping marriage will make us both stronger and motivate us to be better IA. And I have my own things I need to work on so hopefully he will help me with those.
  13. Thanks, good advice. It is just difficult to hope someone will change as I believe when you marry someone you should accept and be satisfied with who they are.
  14. I realize that. Asking for advice on how to better deal with it since we are already in stages of planning the wedding and though I’m frustrated I don’t feel that this is worth breaking it off.
  15. Salaams Alhamdulillah I will be getting married later this summer inshallah. I am worried bc I feel like I did not do a good enough job of finding out my fiancé’s level of religious practice. I was told by my Sheikh/mawlana that it is not right to ask a person too many questions about what they do or don’t do so I tried not to and in any case he told me a lot of info about himself without me needing to ask, such as he attends majlis, gives to charity, is devoted to his family etc. I did make it clear in our initial stages of getting to know that I do not want to be married to someone who does not care about praying and fasting bc these are basic obligations . I told him I don’t expect perfection as I am not perfect myself but a person should be willing to better themselves. He did not say anything to the contrary so I assumed it was understood and since the conversations continued he knew my expectations. We never really revisited these conversations in detail but every now and then he would mention (over text) that he needed to go pray and has told me at least a few times that he wants us to pray together and raise our family that way. We got engaged in March (meaning we accepted the proposal, no nikah yet) but a few things happened more recently that have made me question whether he has been pretending to be someone he is not. Basically he is from another state and came to visit my family and me a few weeks ago. He stayed in a hotel and the first night we asked him to join us for Iftar so he came a little before salat and prayed with us and ate. The next day he said he wanted to come over for dinner after namaz. So I assumed he was going to pray and then come although it seemed odd to me that he wouldn’t just pray with us at our house. The next day he asked me what time was maghrib (which made it really obvious he must not have prayed the night before) and then told me he would pray and then come over. I mentioned he could come over and pray but he seemed like he didn’t want to so I didn’t push it. Next thing I know he gets to our house less than 15 min after salat time -which would have made it impossible for him to have time to pray given the distance from our house to the hotel. This story sounds ridiculous as I’m sure you’re thinking but my point is I feel like he has lied to me about the fact that he doesn’t pray. I have been trying to suppress these thoughts as I know it’s not good to be suspicious or to judge people. I definitely believe that what a person does is between them and Allah but I do think marriage changes that bc you are going to be raising a family and living with this person Other things have happened since then that make me question whether he prays regularly, I know for a fact he does not wake up for fajr, he has also told me that he comes home from work and sleeps till Iftar, doesn’t pray at work so obviously he is not praying dhuhr or asr. Again I feel bad talking about and judging someone’s actions this way but I feel that I was somehow misled. Even though he never said ‘I pray five times a day’ he has said things like ‘I can’t wait for us to pray together ‘ which is obviously going to give me the impression that he is devoted to praying now and gives it importance. He has told me repeatedly that he wants a religious girl like me (I am much more conservative than him on many topics) but now somehow I feel like I am compromising. For me prayer is a really important thing to look for in a partner, I told him that on day one and he made it seem like he fit the bill. Now I feel like I made a mistake in not asking more questions and I’m actually more upset that he lied about praying rather than the fact hat he doesn’t pray. It’s like he did it just to win my approval in the beginning so the discussion could continue. Ok the rant is over. Now my question for you guys is, do I approach him about these things and how? I truly still want to marry him bc there are a lot of other positives but if he is going to continue to be fake I kind of just want to tell him he needs to stop. Next , to the married people who can relate, how did you deal with your spouse being less religious than you? I almost feel like I have lost respect for him and I’m worried after we get married I am going to be constantly telling him he needs to pray (since spouses should keep each other on the right path). I don’t want this to lead to conflict and I also believe very strongly that he won’t change for me. I have seen at least a few cases of people who haven’t prayed for years and years despite their wives being religious. I don’t want to feel like I have settled, he really is a great guy otherwise but I can’t handle dishonesty and salat was the only religious requirement/ preference I had for a guy. Is there a more positive way I can think about this? I really want to be able to move forward with confidence but just feel unhappy right now.
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