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In the Name of God بسم الله

Maryaam

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  1. Like
    Maryaam got a reaction from Islandsandmirrors in Polygamy   
    Polygamy is not for me; I would not consider it.     I require a full time, devoted husband and my children deserve a full time, devoted father.  Family stability is the first priority in raising emotionally healthy, confident children.   I have seen, first hand, polygamist families in the east (as a young teen) and what I saw was family confusion, turmoil and disconnect. Some of my friends hardly ever saw their father and when he came to visit, he was treated with the utmost respect but there was definitely no sense of intimate familiarity or connection.  There was no paternal confidant or a male role model in any sense for most of the kids.  Usually the father chose one or two children that he favoured and gave a lot more attention, but the rest were given a cursory nod.   In any case, there is no social need for polygamy with today's services and supports.  It is permissible and it is available if required (lack of males from a devastating war maybe?), but unless there is a huge discrepancy in the numbers of women to men (which there isn’t - actually in some areas of the world there is a huge lack of marriageable women due to gender selective abortion), it is not socially just that some men have several wives (usually due to financial wealth) while some men, who are born into less, would have access to none.  
  2. Like
    Maryaam got a reaction from shadow_of_light in Polygamy   
    Ummm....  exactly how many "second" wives did he have? 
    As a teen, I saw a number of new subsequent (2 and more) wives and they were never a single mom, don't know if they were widows - guess it is possible, but subsequent wives were always much younger and attractive.... to please God I guess.....  
    Great rhetoric about the "widows and orphans", but I have never seen it in real life.  I know of one second wife here (in the West), and she is at least 20 years younger (no children) than the first wife. 
    There was a poster on here who had 3 or 4 siblings (one had a serious mental health disorder) and a mom who had to work out of the house and a father who also worked.  He had a second wife who he used to visit for months at a time (leave his work), as she was in Iran.  Again, she was younger with no children.  The poster and her family, along with everything else that goes with missing a supporting father,  got hit with a significant economic blow.   They really struggled financially and emotionally. 
    Yes, I will agree that ego is definitely in play here.... just not the way you presented it.
  3. Thanks
    Maryaam got a reaction from 2Timeless in Polygamy   
    I have definitely not always agreed with sister Timeless, but have never gotten the impression that she thinks negatively of men.  What a strange thing to say.  
  4. Like
    Maryaam got a reaction from Islandsandmirrors in Polygamy   
    Ummm....  exactly how many "second" wives did he have? 
    As a teen, I saw a number of new subsequent (2 and more) wives and they were never a single mom, don't know if they were widows - guess it is possible, but subsequent wives were always much younger and attractive.... to please God I guess.....  
    Great rhetoric about the "widows and orphans", but I have never seen it in real life.  I know of one second wife here (in the West), and she is at least 20 years younger (no children) than the first wife. 
    There was a poster on here who had 3 or 4 siblings (one had a serious mental health disorder) and a mom who had to work out of the house and a father who also worked.  He had a second wife who he used to visit for months at a time (leave his work), as she was in Iran.  Again, she was younger with no children.  The poster and her family, along with everything else that goes with missing a supporting father,  got hit with a significant economic blow.   They really struggled financially and emotionally. 
    Yes, I will agree that ego is definitely in play here.... just not the way you presented it.
  5. Like
    Maryaam reacted to Propaganda_of_the_Deed in Polygamy   
    Ngl the idea's appealed to me ever since I was a lad. I've nothing to be ashamed about disclosing this want. Though easier said than done, imagine having different offspring from different backgrounds, tres cool.
    Anyway it has to be done right and justly.
     
  6. Respectfully Disagree
    Maryaam reacted to Ibn Al-Shahid in Polygamy   
    I find people who oppose polygamy are usually doing it because of their ego. listen to how they argue and it always has the word “me” involved. marriage is not only about “love”.
  7. Like
    Maryaam reacted to 2Timeless in Polygamy   
    And what about the man who wants his desires to be met 24/7 by two or more women fighting over his attention? Quite the ego boost I imagine. This wouldn't have been the case in the Prophet's time, as there was a real need for it, but in today's age, whether you're a single mother or a widow, or never been married before, the governments usually support you if you don’t support yourself, as was mentioned in a previous post, and you don’t need a man to rely on. So, really, unless theres a very exceptional situation, most times its men looking for an ego boost.
  8. Like
    Maryaam reacted to Muslim Queen in Polygamy   
    It’s funny how you mention the woman’s “ego”.  
  9. Respectfully Disagree
    Maryaam reacted to starlight in Polygamy   
    So you think financial support is the only need of a single woman? She doesn't need emotional support? Or help with raising her children if she has any? Or companionship? 
    [Edit] I have been reading your posts, in this thread and others and it makes me wonder what makes you so think so negatively of men.The world isn't such a bad place. 
  10. Completely Agree
    Maryaam got a reaction from 2Timeless in Polygamy   
    Polygamy is not for me; I would not consider it.     I require a full time, devoted husband and my children deserve a full time, devoted father.  Family stability is the first priority in raising emotionally healthy, confident children.   I have seen, first hand, polygamist families in the east (as a young teen) and what I saw was family confusion, turmoil and disconnect. Some of my friends hardly ever saw their father and when he came to visit, he was treated with the utmost respect but there was definitely no sense of intimate familiarity or connection.  There was no paternal confidant or a male role model in any sense for most of the kids.  Usually the father chose one or two children that he favoured and gave a lot more attention, but the rest were given a cursory nod.   In any case, there is no social need for polygamy with today's services and supports.  It is permissible and it is available if required (lack of males from a devastating war maybe?), but unless there is a huge discrepancy in the numbers of women to men (which there isn’t - actually in some areas of the world there is a huge lack of marriageable women due to gender selective abortion), it is not socially just that some men have several wives (usually due to financial wealth) while some men, who are born into less, would have access to none.  
  11. Respectfully Disagree
    Maryaam got a reaction from starlight in Polygamy   
    Polygamy is not for me; I would not consider it.     I require a full time, devoted husband and my children deserve a full time, devoted father.  Family stability is the first priority in raising emotionally healthy, confident children.   I have seen, first hand, polygamist families in the east (as a young teen) and what I saw was family confusion, turmoil and disconnect. Some of my friends hardly ever saw their father and when he came to visit, he was treated with the utmost respect but there was definitely no sense of intimate familiarity or connection.  There was no paternal confidant or a male role model in any sense for most of the kids.  Usually the father chose one or two children that he favoured and gave a lot more attention, but the rest were given a cursory nod.   In any case, there is no social need for polygamy with today's services and supports.  It is permissible and it is available if required (lack of males from a devastating war maybe?), but unless there is a huge discrepancy in the numbers of women to men (which there isn’t - actually in some areas of the world there is a huge lack of marriageable women due to gender selective abortion), it is not socially just that some men have several wives (usually due to financial wealth) while some men, who are born into less, would have access to none.  
  12. Completely Agree
    Maryaam got a reaction from Nevsevug in Polygamy   
    Polygamy is not for me; I would not consider it.     I require a full time, devoted husband and my children deserve a full time, devoted father.  Family stability is the first priority in raising emotionally healthy, confident children.   I have seen, first hand, polygamist families in the east (as a young teen) and what I saw was family confusion, turmoil and disconnect. Some of my friends hardly ever saw their father and when he came to visit, he was treated with the utmost respect but there was definitely no sense of intimate familiarity or connection.  There was no paternal confidant or a male role model in any sense for most of the kids.  Usually the father chose one or two children that he favoured and gave a lot more attention, but the rest were given a cursory nod.   In any case, there is no social need for polygamy with today's services and supports.  It is permissible and it is available if required (lack of males from a devastating war maybe?), but unless there is a huge discrepancy in the numbers of women to men (which there isn’t - actually in some areas of the world there is a huge lack of marriageable women due to gender selective abortion), it is not socially just that some men have several wives (usually due to financial wealth) while some men, who are born into less, would have access to none.  
  13. Like
    Maryaam got a reaction from notme in Polygamy   
    Polygamy is not for me; I would not consider it.     I require a full time, devoted husband and my children deserve a full time, devoted father.  Family stability is the first priority in raising emotionally healthy, confident children.   I have seen, first hand, polygamist families in the east (as a young teen) and what I saw was family confusion, turmoil and disconnect. Some of my friends hardly ever saw their father and when he came to visit, he was treated with the utmost respect but there was definitely no sense of intimate familiarity or connection.  There was no paternal confidant or a male role model in any sense for most of the kids.  Usually the father chose one or two children that he favoured and gave a lot more attention, but the rest were given a cursory nod.   In any case, there is no social need for polygamy with today's services and supports.  It is permissible and it is available if required (lack of males from a devastating war maybe?), but unless there is a huge discrepancy in the numbers of women to men (which there isn’t - actually in some areas of the world there is a huge lack of marriageable women due to gender selective abortion), it is not socially just that some men have several wives (usually due to financial wealth) while some men, who are born into less, would have access to none.  
  14. Completely Agree
    Maryaam reacted to King in Lack of morals (rant)   
    This isn't exclusive to non Muslims.  You will find just as many if not more judgemental people with weak morals who are Muslims.  As Notme mentioned insecure individuals tend to congregate on such internet platforms and their toxicity just feeds off one another.
  15. Completely Agree
    Maryaam got a reaction from shia farm girl in Lack of morals (rant)   
    In general, it is probably best to stay away from sites like that.  It sounds like a site where people have to outdo one another (in this case, with their wedding stories); that is, they feel the need to be socially competitive.  Not mentally healthy - leads to what you just described - aggressive criticism of others to maintain their sense of one-up-man-ship.  Only embrace activities and people who will increase your adherence to your faith and will guide your actions towards yourself and others.  That will give the greatest sense of personal security and peace.
  16. Like
    Maryaam got a reaction from Son of Placid in Lack of morals (rant)   
    I agree.  The need to be toxic transcends Muslim/non Muslim; that is, there are toxic people in all religions, positions and  walks of life.  I don't think it is a lack of morals, it is a mental health issue that is linked to a depressive life style caused by any number of precursors or situations.  It is just best to avoid these people as their mental attitude can be spread - especially if you are feeling kind of down for any reason.
  17. Like
    Maryaam got a reaction from Ashvazdanghe in Lack of morals (rant)   
    I agree.  The need to be toxic transcends Muslim/non Muslim; that is, there are toxic people in all religions, positions and  walks of life.  I don't think it is a lack of morals, it is a mental health issue that is linked to a depressive life style caused by any number of precursors or situations.  It is just best to avoid these people as their mental attitude can be spread - especially if you are feeling kind of down for any reason.
  18. Like
    Maryaam got a reaction from Ashvazdanghe in Lack of morals (rant)   
    In general, it is probably best to stay away from sites like that.  It sounds like a site where people have to outdo one another (in this case, with their wedding stories); that is, they feel the need to be socially competitive.  Not mentally healthy - leads to what you just described - aggressive criticism of others to maintain their sense of one-up-man-ship.  Only embrace activities and people who will increase your adherence to your faith and will guide your actions towards yourself and others.  That will give the greatest sense of personal security and peace.
  19. Like
    Maryaam got a reaction from Islandsandmirrors in Lack of morals (rant)   
    In general, it is probably best to stay away from sites like that.  It sounds like a site where people have to outdo one another (in this case, with their wedding stories); that is, they feel the need to be socially competitive.  Not mentally healthy - leads to what you just described - aggressive criticism of others to maintain their sense of one-up-man-ship.  Only embrace activities and people who will increase your adherence to your faith and will guide your actions towards yourself and others.  That will give the greatest sense of personal security and peace.
  20. Like
    Maryaam reacted to Islandsandmirrors in Marriage advice   
    And again, if he’s acting disinterested now, so early in the relationship, then he’s making it clear that he’s not someone to put effort and communicate effectively in any relationship.
    Op: run, don’t walk away. This man is only giving you crumbs and expects you to be okay with it. He’s an abusive, controlling person, whom you are constantly fighting with. You, as a sensitive person, need to be with someone who is emotionally in tune with your needs, emotions, and willing to communicate and build trust, and most of all, patient. This guy is not that guy. And that’s okay. You’ll find someone whom you can really get along with, and understands you. 
  21. Like
    Maryaam reacted to BowTie in Marriage advice   
    I don’t know how people are able to spill their personal life issues on a forum and let people they have no clue about influence their life decisions
  22. Like
    Maryaam reacted to Akbar673 in Marriage advice   
    Oh my. Its clear that you are putting in more effort to make this relationship succeed than he is. Keep an eye on this for the forseeable future to see if this changes for the better, if it doesn't then you might want to consider ending the engagement.
    He's being hypocritical about this. He is asking you to do that which he is unwilling to do himself. That's not a good sign at all, that's a reflection of how he is as a person. People with that mindset are domineering about getting what they wish without doing anything from their end of it. This will reflected in all of their approaches to things in life. Not a team mentality by any definition.
    He's insecure as well as domineering. When you pull away he gets scared and comes running back. This is an even more dangerous quality than being domineering because insecurity drives men to become even more autoritarian and dictatorial due to them being afraid of being compared to men who are more successful, better looking or accomplished. Eventually, his insecurity will ask you to drop out of school and be nothing other than a housewife that stays indoors cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids. He will also complain that you aren't doing a good enough job on anything because subconsciously it will make feel like he is better than what he actually is because he's pointing out your flaws.
    Agreed.
    based on what I have read in your latest posts, I'm not entirely sure I agree with you on this. 
    Criticism, whether its hidden under an attempt to be humorous or not, is a sign of her viewing what she sees as a flaw or weakness in you. Why on Earth someone would want to take shots at the future spouse of their son is beyond me. If my son was getting married, I would make every effort to make the girl feel as happy and welcomed as possible into our family. No one is perfect, least of all me, that I can pass judgment on someone else's flaws. Least of all a young girl that is leaving her home to marry my son and become a part of my family.
    Again, please see above. This is not a healthy way to start a relationship with anyone leave alone a Daughter In Law. Not a good sign by any stretch because if she's saying this to you already when you are only engaged, you can expect her to say it in a more direct tone after the wedding. She doesn't have the appropriate level of respect for you.
    This is a very troubling series of events that you are presenting now. None of it is good in my opinion.
    and there it is...After reading this from you, I feel comfortable in telling you to end this engagement. As a Father of a daughter my biggest fear is that she will marry a man that will make her unhappy. That fear keeps me up at night because I've seen first hand how cruel and hurtful the wrong type of man can be and the sadness and despair it brings onto a woman. If you were my daughter I would end this engagement with no regrets. 
    This is not the man, nor the family, which will bring you the happiness that you deserve. Time to end this and go find the man, and family, that will love and accept you for who you are. Think of this as a learning experience to help you on your way.
  23. Completely Agree
    Maryaam reacted to 2Timeless in Marriage advice   
    Haven't read the previous comments, so don't know what everyone else has said, but don't marry anyone unless they make you feel loved and respected and make you feel better about yourselves. You only get married for the first time once, do it with someone you're certain you love and loves you and respects you back. If he's treating you like a chore now, God knows how he'll treat you when he gets what he wants physically. No fiance should ever treat talking to his partner as a chore. This is supposed to he the honeymoon period when everything's rainbows and roses.
    I think you should give him a chance to explain himself, why he's acting that way, maybe he has something on his mind that's upsetting him. Make it clear to him that you're there to listen to him and help him out etc. If he keeps treating you less than what you deserve, I don't see a reason why you should stay with him and commit yourself to the same treatment forever. If you're not happy, quit while you're ahead. No one else's happiness matters in this situation but yours. 
    @Akbar673 Your advice is very good, but I don't think it applies to this situation. I don't think it's just about being lovey dovey, the OP has said she feels that he only talks to her because it's a chore. Maybe you're right, but I think there's a very blurred line between just being closed off by nature and being rude or uninterested in maintaining a healthy relationship. 
  24. Completely Agree
    Maryaam got a reaction from notme in Lack of morals (rant)   
    In general, it is probably best to stay away from sites like that.  It sounds like a site where people have to outdo one another (in this case, with their wedding stories); that is, they feel the need to be socially competitive.  Not mentally healthy - leads to what you just described - aggressive criticism of others to maintain their sense of one-up-man-ship.  Only embrace activities and people who will increase your adherence to your faith and will guide your actions towards yourself and others.  That will give the greatest sense of personal security and peace.
  25. Like
    Maryaam reacted to notme in Lack of morals (rant)   
    Sounds toxic. It's good that you're off that site. I don't think that's how most non-Muslims are in real life; either they're putting on an act to fit in, or birds of a feather are flocking together. Don't worry about it. 
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