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In the Name of God بسم الله

Maryaam

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Everything posted by Maryaam

  1. I remember agreeing with you on many things in the past. Especially posts from years ago.
  2. Really? What would the other things be?
  3. I have definitely not always agreed with sister Timeless, but have never gotten the impression that she thinks negatively of men. What a strange thing to say.
  4. Ummm.... exactly how many "second" wives did he have? As a teen, I saw a number of new subsequent (2 and more) wives and they were never a single mom, don't know if they were widows - guess it is possible, but subsequent wives were always much younger and attractive.... to please God I guess..... Great rhetoric about the "widows and orphans", but I have never seen it in real life. I know of one second wife here (in the West), and she is at least 20 years younger (no children) than the first wife. There was a poster on here who had 3 or 4 siblings (one had a serious mental health disorder) and a mom who had to work out of the house and a father who also worked. He had a second wife who he used to visit for months at a time (leave his work), as she was in Iran. Again, she was younger with no children. The poster and her family, along with everything else that goes with missing a supporting father, got hit with a significant economic blow. They really struggled financially and emotionally. Yes, I will agree that ego is definitely in play here.... just not the way you presented it.
  5. Polygamy is not for me; I would not consider it. I require a full time, devoted husband and my children deserve a full time, devoted father. Family stability is the first priority in raising emotionally healthy, confident children. I have seen, first hand, polygamist families in the east (as a young teen) and what I saw was family confusion, turmoil and disconnect. Some of my friends hardly ever saw their father and when he came to visit, he was treated with the utmost respect but there was definitely no sense of intimate familiarity or connection. There was no paternal confidant or a male role model in any sense for most of the kids. Usually the father chose one or two children that he favoured and gave a lot more attention, but the rest were given a cursory nod. In any case, there is no social need for polygamy with today's services and supports. It is permissible and it is available if required (lack of males from a devastating war maybe?), but unless there is a huge discrepancy in the numbers of women to men (which there isn’t - actually in some areas of the world there is a huge lack of marriageable women due to gender selective abortion), it is not socially just that some men have several wives (usually due to financial wealth) while some men, who are born into less, would have access to none.
  6. I agree. The need to be toxic transcends Muslim/non Muslim; that is, there are toxic people in all religions, positions and walks of life. I don't think it is a lack of morals, it is a mental health issue that is linked to a depressive life style caused by any number of precursors or situations. It is just best to avoid these people as their mental attitude can be spread - especially if you are feeling kind of down for any reason.
  7. In general, it is probably best to stay away from sites like that. It sounds like a site where people have to outdo one another (in this case, with their wedding stories); that is, they feel the need to be socially competitive. Not mentally healthy - leads to what you just described - aggressive criticism of others to maintain their sense of one-up-man-ship. Only embrace activities and people who will increase your adherence to your faith and will guide your actions towards yourself and others. That will give the greatest sense of personal security and peace.
  8. Don't know how much longer this will be going on but if you are being kept out because of painting - that sounds odd to me. It is understandable that your parents feel they are helping and you should be grateful, but ultimately nothing is ever free. Everything always exacts a price of some kind. Maybe the kind of which sister Notme has alluded. Anyway, it sounds like you are staying; otherwise, you would have left by now. One thing to focus on: Your parents have complained about you being untidy. Again understandable, as we all feel that our own disarray creates a homey and comfortable space, but when it is someone else’s, it is just an eyesore. I would pack away anything that you don’t need so you are not tripping over it and constantly picking it up. Have only the bare minimum out. Keep it simple and super tidy. Do whatever you can to lessen any potential strain on your part. Spend as much time as possible outside of the house - and I don't mean doing a comprehensive tour of local restaurants!! The weather is getting better. It would be great if you have bicycles, but, if not, at least go on walks together - good for losing weight, improving mental outlook and strengthening your relationship. You might even meet another couple doing the same thing. Expand your personal life (and focus) beyond your parents house so it has less impact on you.
  9. In general, Canadians are quite tolerant and accepting of differences among peoples - probably because they are not as stressed. It has a more socialist system so all people are guaranteed to be cared for, which lessens anxiety and fear in general.. Also, Canada has only one tenth the population of the US - so is definitely not overcrowded. They have health care for all, have a healthy more outdoor lifestyle, are not so concerned about making massive amounts of money, have a lot less weapons on the street, etc - these things also reduce general anxiety in regards to safety and well being. So maybe because of this, Canadians are just very content and laid back (sometimes irritatingly so, to me, but the good outweighs the bad). So basically, they are friendly, helpful, and unconditionally accept you (whatever your differences) till they have reason not to. Maybe less pre-judging? However, if you look, you can find intolerant people everywhere and Canada is no exception... they are just very few, come from a multitude of backgrounds (including Shia!! - and some new Canadians who bring ethnic issues with them) but they are generally straightened out pretty quickly if they choose to act on their prejudices. I have lived on the west coast in Canada for nearly fifteen years and have always felt safe and accepted.
  10. Careful, King…. In addition to quelling hunger pains, lovingly prepared food is a soothing, emotionally restorative delight; it is comforting nourishment for the soul…. Every day, every week, every month, every year - you, and all your senses, come to expect and depend upon the fragrances of the kitchen and the colourful, aromatic, steaming dishes produced and beautifully presented - solely to please and comfort you. Hmmm…. Or is that the sole purpose??? This consistent and dependable devotion to you (and your stomach), from the chief cook and bottle washer, fosters your ever increasing dependence on her. And then...from your increasing dependency evolves her ever increasing control! The kitchen is the ultimately the central physical and emotional operational base of the home, and whoever leads that, leads all! Women’s greatest strength is that, despite ongoing proof to the contrary, they are continually underestimated.
  11. Sometimes when we are triggered by something someone says (in this case posters), it is because it hits close to home and we become irritated and anxious as it is scary. We want the "emotionally safer”, quick fix - AND, often, we want the no-opposition validation for that quick fix. Instead… Self-examine what comprises your discomfort. All you have identified is that you feel bad about your "image" and that this feeling is made worse when your husband glances at other women. Image problems are complex and long-standing and there are no simple one-size-fits-all measures that you can take to effectively address them. Not sure what your husband does or does not do in public, but first tackle issues that you have personal control over; that means start with yourself. We often need help to identify deep seated issues and then even more help to organize and prioritize how to address them. Find an experienced, trained therapist to help you with this even though it may feel uncomfortable and overwhelming at first. To want to end a marriage with a loving husband and a new baby says a lot about how confused and hurt you are. However, you have a responsibility not just to your own life but to their lives as well. So, it is important to put time and energy into being emotionally and mentally fit - so you can see things clearly enough to be able to make constructive decisions.
  12. No - I am assuming. I am sure if needed he could find one who agrees with his behaviour... which seems to be the MO in situations like this.
  13. He took a second wife who is Ahl al Kitab without permission of his first wife. He said the marriage was over but has not divorced his first wife so he would still need her permission.
  14. It has played out. It is over and she needs to move on to the next stage in her life, as he has in his. She appears to have accepted her wrong doing and is remorseful. No one is accountable for her behaviour but her.. She has acknowledged the lie and hoped for forgiveness. That has not happened and it is his right to not forgive. He has said that he does not accept her once he knew that she had lied to him. "Finally last year, he told me he could no longer continue with the marraige, and around the same time he went into mut'a with a lady, shes non-Muslim and he says she makes him extremely happy." I disagree that his behaviour is an effect of an action. It is not even a reaction to another action....it is simply someone looking for justification for zina. Therein lies the problem - there is no justification for zina. And trying to cloud the reality of his behaviour by merging (pseudo-sanitizing?) it with her behaviour (and somehow hold her accountable for HIS behaviour) does not work outside of his hedonistic, non-remorseful, little world.. The only person who is accountable for his behaviour is him. No one else. No one else will be held accountable either in this world or the next. Only him. In the meantime, the OP is still married to him and he still has obligations towards her - obligations he is not fulfilling. Given his statement above, he should let her go; he should divorce her. But instead, he has chosen to treat her with extreme disrespect and has pushed her into some kind of discard pile that he retrieves occasionally for his own needs. Lovely. Nothing about this man indicates strength of character. I don't understand the posts about reconciliation as he has shown no move towards reconciliation; he gives no evidence nor appearance of intention to try reconciliation; he has not tried to reach any kind of compromise, understanding, agreement, consensus, etc.. He has clearly stated that the marriage is over for him. What he has chosen to engage in has absolutely nothing to do with the OP... he has made it clear that she is no longer in the picture. He is just happy in his haram relationship that requires little responsibility or accountability or long term obligation. He has what is important to him. It has played out.
  15. Salam Smiiley001, You are being treated badly, very badly - guess you know that. But if you need confirmation from someone - here it is! He is humiliating, degrading and disrespecting not only you but himself and his family, with this behaviour. He says he is happy in his haram union, so let it be - it is his error. It is his issue to deal with and ultimately he WILL need to deal with it. It is only of cultural consequence what he thinks of your past and whatever fragilities he has around that. Islamically, you do not have to be a virgin to be married and you can marry a non virgin. That was exemplified many times by the Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)). But, you were in error to lie. However, you are willing to discuss it with him. To do that, he needs to put on his big boy pants to work with you and come to an understanding and hopefully, forgiveness. He has proven that he, as well, is also capable of sin and so is in no situation to permanently condemn you. The difference is that you are seeking forgiveness for yours and he is celebrating his. His mother is basically telling you to let him have his fun (and this attitude is probably what created this perpetual little boy in the first place) and lay back and wait for him to finish with this woman (and he will finish with her as it has no foundation nor support) and all will be fine. It won’t be fine. His way of dealing with interpersonal challenges is to avoid, escape and deflect. Real men don't do that. Real men face their problems head on and don't continually primp a fragile ego. You deserve a real man. You deserve a man who is ready for the challenges and rewards of adulthood through the life struggle of remaining on a righteous path. Don't know if you need to hear this as well, but given his not so Islamic behaviour and his ethical and moral lassitude, you are under no obligation to stay.
  16. New York Post - Oct 2018 According to the UNFPA State of the World Population 2018. https://www.unfpa.org/sites/default/files/pub-pdf/UNFPA_PUB_2018_EN_SWP.pdf Forty percent of US babies are being born to unmarried parents, a trend that has risen steadily over the past five decades. In 1970, only about 10 percent of births were outside marriage, according to the report, by the UN Population Fund. The trend toward out-of-wedlock babies is even higher in Europe. France has the largest percentage of out-of-wedlock births in the European Union, with 60 percent of babies being born outside marriage. The report also shows that women in America are waiting longer before having their first child. In the US, the average age of a woman having her first child is now 27, as opposed to in 1970, when that age was 22. Women in Canada, Japan, Spain and Korea all have still higher average ages for a woman’s first birth, with Korean women topping the chart by having their first child at an average of age 31. …………... Accuracy of reporting: It is hard to know what the actual numbers of “married” parents are, as you would have to determine what is meant by “married”. The legal definition would be to have a registered marriage with the state but that would not indicate marriages that are through religion only. For example, how many Muslims register their marriages - especially if they have more than one? Advantages: There can be advantages to not getting married in terms of social services and benefits depending on one’s situation and issues within the family structure. (I know of a man disabled because of a car accident who receives more services as a single as when married. He had to divorce his wife after his accident. It was the only way they could get significant services… because it was expected that his wife would be supplying a lot of the care - but she couldn’t as she now had to work and support the family. He lives in a small apartment nearby and the whole family goes there for breakfast and then she drives kids to school and goes to work....) Societal Attitudes: In general, in the West, the thoughts of a single woman having a child outside marriage is not looked upon favourably. It is not seen as being as bad, if the woman is wealthy or if she has a partner. It appears that it is not the morality of it, so much as the cost of social services that are assumed the woman would need if she is on her own. Also, different cultural/ethnic groups view this financial dependence differently…. Some groups have no issue whatsoever and consider this the norm. The idea of ostracizing/belittling/shaming the parents who had a child outside of marriage does not make sense to me - How would that be beneficial for their children who obviously would be greatly affected by their family's standing in the community? What if the parents have repented and are remorseful? How would we know? And if so, is it our business to know - or is this between them and God? Also, open, overt condemnation, encourages unmarried people from conservative cultures to opt for abortion - compounding the sin. And yes, women from conservative cultures have abortions - especially in countries where abortion is mainstream and your privacy is protected.
  17. Your wife (who is supposed to be holding intimate private information between you as private) has told her family , who are now most likely telling other people, that you are impotent and you are not - intentionally ruining your reputation and possibly ability to remarry given that there is false information about you. If money is the language that they comprehend, I would turn their world around and aggressively sue for slander. This does not sound like an issue to do with a medical condition; it is just a screen.
  18. My diet is decent; I am aware and think about what I eat before I eat it. I look for quality ingredients But, I definitely have my moments of weakness. For a long time, I was addicted to Doritos for some unknown reason - a yummy mixture of salt, artificial flavour, a bright orange dye, and preservatives.
  19. Given what you have described of yourself (your interests, your attributes and health considerations), teaching of primary (Grade K - 3) students would be what I would suggest. It is a very demanding but rewarding job. It is also a good pragmatic choice, in that it will take less investment in terms of time and money. I can’t see how it would ever be boring. Students have incredibly diverse envirionmental backgrounds, learning strengths and needs. Striving to meet the teaching and learning goals of each one, especially in a large group setting takes a lot of creativity; it is a true art form! You would also have a big part in developing the future of our communities. In the early grades, the students think you are pretty much the knower of all things - everything you say and do is of great importance and impact to them. It is a wonderful opportunity to really reach out and guide children in the best ways. Because of the July/August break, you would always have the opportunity to continue your studies in summer university programs leading to a masters in a specific teaching field (special education, literacy, etc) - which will open doors for higher level positions within the school system, or, perhaps a masters in educational psychology where you would work as part of a multi-disciplinary team in assessing and developing programs for children with exceptional learning requirements. These teams can consist of teachers, specialist teachers, counsellors, school psychologists, speech and language pathologists, occupational and physiotherapists, social workers and any number and variety of outside consultants. As one of those outside consultants, I work collaboratively with these teams. I am always impressed with the dedication and drive of these people - especially the teachers. Most of the team members pretty much work one to one with a child, but the teacher has the most demanding role as they engage and manage an entire class as they perform their magic. I have nothing but praise and admiration for them. In terms of work environment, it does not get much better. You work with caring, supportive people who genuinely want you to succeed and be the best you can be - job satisfaction is very high. This is not something to be taken for granted. I have heard that in many positions - especially in the corporate world - it can be very competitive and cut throat where any missteps you make for whatever reason, become someone else’s sought-after, and quickly exploited, opportunities. Some people claim to thrive on that, but I don't think it is healthy for anyone. This is something that would very much remain foreign to you… which is a good thing.
  20. Pride in hatred is a very good descriptor and it is definitely disgusting, but it is not just disgusting but really confusing. Behaviour is encouraged by reward. What rewards does one feel from that? It is very confusing to me how someone can get through life with that level of angst. It would literally poison everything you experience in life. It would be a major burden in life, and one that would be thought, not to be sustainable - so I don't get it. Maybe it is a cultural chasm.
  21. Maryaam

    Change the world

    LOL. I did that for a summer on a research grant. I did LD 50's on salmon fingerlings... Good for figuring out pollution levels of effluents, but not so good for the salmon fingerlings.
  22. Not sure what this means. How do you have boys through diet and timing? The gender is determined by the male.
  23. The impact of gender selective abortion has been huge in China and India. Estimates as high as 100 million girls are gone... leaving some areas with no "marriageable" age women and in its place there is all the social and criminal outfall that is created because of that. But these are not the only areas - the Caucasus area, south Eastern Europe and even Pakistan in the Punjab area has a birth ratio of 116 boys to 100 girls. Estimates are that 6 million Pakistani girls are missing as a result of abortions in the Punjab area. North America and Western European countries also have gender selective abortions usually from new immigrants that have come from countries where having a male child is very desired. For example, gender selective abortion is legal in Canada, and gender selective abortions by new immigrants of Indian ethnicity, have been studied and identified, but the laws have not been changed as it is thought that "this will die out once these populations settle in Canada".
  24. I don't get the impression we are all introverts or that there is a connection between being an introvert and poor behaviour. I think people can be aggressive and rude with poor akhlaq regardless of introvert or extrovert personalities. The anonymity of online, of course, emboldens people, at times, to be not their best. It is something that we need to constantly self-monitor. We also need to recognize the first signs of aggressive behaviour in others... and then clearly step away from it.
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