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Posts posted by Maryaam

  1. 3 hours ago, eThErEaL said:

    Not disagreeing with you.  But I would like to emphasize that it is a pretty serious error to lie about something like that when the person expressed how important it was to him.  Is there room for hope and reconciliation, inshallah.  But the consequence she is facing and hurdle she has to deal with (the drama) is only an effect of an action.. it is something that has to play out.

    It has played out.  It is over and she needs to move on to the next stage in her life, as he has in his.

    She appears to have accepted her wrong doing and is remorseful.  No one is accountable for her behaviour but her..  She has acknowledged the lie and hoped for forgiveness. That has not happened and it is his right to not forgive.

    He has said that he does not accept her once he knew that she had lied to him.  "Finally last year, he told me he could no longer continue with the marraige, and around the same time he went into mut'a with a lady, shes non-Muslim and he says she makes him extremely happy."

    I disagree that his behaviour is an effect of an action.  It is not even a reaction to another action....it is simply someone looking for justification for zina.  Therein lies the problem - there is no justification for zina.  And trying to cloud the reality of his behaviour by merging (pseudo-sanitizing?) it with her behaviour (and somehow hold her accountable for HIS behaviour) does not work outside of his hedonistic, non-remorseful, little world..  The only person who is accountable for his behaviour is him.  No one else.  No one else will be held accountable either in this world or the next.  Only him.

    In the meantime, the OP is still married to him and he still has obligations towards her - obligations he is not fulfilling.  Given his statement above, he should let her go; he should divorce her.  But instead, he has chosen to treat her with extreme disrespect and has pushed her into some kind of discard pile that he retrieves occasionally for his own needs.  Lovely.  Nothing about this man indicates strength of character.  

    I don't understand the posts about reconciliation as  he has shown no move towards reconciliation; he gives no evidence nor appearance of intention to try reconciliation; he has not tried to reach any kind of compromise, understanding, agreement, consensus, etc.. He has clearly stated that the marriage is over for him.  What he has chosen to engage in has absolutely nothing to do with the OP... he has made it clear that she is no longer in the picture. He is just happy in his haram relationship that requires little responsibility or accountability or long term obligation.  He has what is important to him.  

    It has played out.


  2. Salam Smiiley001,

    You are being treated badly, very badly - guess you know that.  But if you need confirmation from someone - here it is!  

    He is humiliating, degrading and disrespecting not only you but himself and his family, with this behaviour.  He says he is happy in his haram union, so let it be - it is his error.  It is his issue to deal with and ultimately he WILL need to deal with it.  

    It is only of cultural consequence what he thinks of your past and whatever fragilities he has around that. Islamically, you do not have to be a virgin to be married and you can marry a non virgin.  That was exemplified many times by the Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)).  But, you were in error to lie. However, you are willing to discuss it with him. To do that, he needs to put on his big boy pants to work with you and come to an understanding and hopefully, forgiveness.  He has proven that he, as well, is also capable of sin and so is in no situation to permanently condemn you.  The difference is that you are seeking forgiveness for yours and he is celebrating his.

    His mother is basically telling you to let him have his fun (and this attitude is probably what created this perpetual little boy in the first place)  and lay back and wait for him to finish with this woman (and he will finish with her as it has no foundation nor support) and all will be fine.  It won’t be fine.  

    His way of dealing with interpersonal challenges is to avoid, escape and deflect.  Real men don't do that.  Real men face their problems head on and don't continually primp a fragile ego. You deserve a real man.  You deserve a man who is ready for the challenges and rewards of adulthood through the life struggle of remaining on a righteous path.  

    Don't know if you need to hear this as well, but given his not so Islamic behaviour and his ethical and moral lassitude, you are under no obligation to stay. 

  3. New York Post - Oct 2018
    According to the UNFPA State of the World Population 2018

    Forty percent of US babies are being born to unmarried parents, a trend that has risen steadily over the past five decades.

    In 1970, only about 10 percent of births were outside marriage, according to the report, by the UN Population Fund.

    The trend toward out-of-wedlock babies is even higher in Europe.

    France has the largest percentage of out-of-wedlock births in the European Union, with 60 percent of babies being born outside marriage.

    The report also shows that women in America are waiting longer before having their first child.

    In the US, the average age of a woman having her first child is now 27, as opposed to in 1970, when that age was 22.

    Women in Canada, Japan, Spain and Korea all have still higher average ages for a woman’s first birth, with Korean women topping the chart by having their first child at an average of age 31.


    Accuracy of reporting:  It is hard to know what the actual numbers of “married” parents are, as you would have to determine what is meant by “married”.  The legal definition would be to have a registered marriage with the state but that would not indicate marriages that are through religion only.  For example, how many Muslims register their marriages - especially if they have more than one?  

    Advantages:  There can be advantages to not getting married in terms of social services and benefits depending on one’s situation and issues within the family structure. (I know of a man disabled because of a car accident who receives more services as a single as when married.  He had to divorce his wife after his accident. It was the only way they could get significant services… because it was expected that his wife would be supplying a lot of the care - but she couldn’t as she now had to work and support the family.  He lives in a small apartment nearby and the whole family goes there for breakfast and then she drives kids to school and goes to work....)

    Societal Attitudes:  In general, in the West, the thoughts of a single woman having a child outside marriage is not looked upon favourably. It is not seen as being as bad, if the woman is wealthy or if she has a partner.  It appears that it is not the morality of it, so much as the cost of social services that are assumed the woman would need if she is on her own. Also, different cultural/ethnic groups view this financial dependence differently…. Some groups have no issue whatsoever and consider this the norm.

    The idea of ostracizing/belittling/shaming the parents who had a child outside of marriage does not make sense to me - How would that be beneficial for their children who obviously would be greatly affected by their family's standing in the community? What if the parents have repented and are remorseful?  How would we know?  And if so, is it our business to know - or is this between them and God?

    Also, open, overt condemnation, encourages unmarried people from conservative cultures to opt for abortion - compounding the sin.  And yes, women from conservative cultures have abortions - especially in countries where abortion is mainstream and your privacy is protected.


  4. Your wife (who is supposed to be holding intimate private information between you as private) has told her family , who are now most likely telling other people, that you are impotent and you are not - intentionally ruining your reputation and possibly ability to remarry given that there is false information about you.  

    If money is the language that they comprehend, I would turn their world around and aggressively sue for slander.  

    This does not sound like an issue to do with a medical condition; it is just a screen.

  5. 23 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

    .........I'm conflicted on wether I should become an elementary school teacher (my original plan) or become a LMFT (with a PsyD for money-earning purposes.) I'm an English major at the moment, and within a year, I have to decide on wether to take up student teaching my senior year or get my bachelor's in English, and switch over to a doctorate program (which is crazy-competitive, especially as a non-psych major.) that will take an extra 4-6 years.

    Since I'm still a student and have no way to volunteer at either facilities, I'll just explain the pros-cons of each and maybe you all can help me decide.... 


    Given what you have described of yourself (your interests, your attributes and health considerations), teaching of primary (Grade K - 3) students would be what I would suggest.  It is a very demanding but rewarding job. It is also a good pragmatic choice, in that it will take less investment in terms of time and money.  I can’t see how it would ever be boring.  Students have incredibly diverse envirionmental backgrounds, learning strengths and needs. Striving to meet the teaching and learning goals of each one, especially in a large group setting takes a lot of creativity; it is a true art form! You would also have a big part in developing the future of our communities. In the early grades, the students think you are pretty much the knower of all things - everything you say and do is of great importance and impact to them.  It is a wonderful opportunity to really reach out and guide children in the best ways.  

    Because of the July/August break, you would always have the opportunity to continue your studies in summer university programs leading to a masters in a specific teaching field (special education, literacy, etc) - which will open doors for higher level positions within the school system, or, perhaps a masters in educational psychology where you would work as part of a multi-disciplinary team in assessing and developing programs for children with exceptional learning requirements. These teams can consist of teachers, specialist teachers, counsellors, school psychologists, speech and language pathologists, occupational and physiotherapists, social workers and any number and variety of outside consultants.

    As one of those outside consultants, I work collaboratively with these teams. I am always impressed with the dedication and drive of these people - especially the teachers.  Most of the team members pretty much work one to one with a child, but the teacher has the most demanding role as they engage and manage an entire class as they perform their magic. I have nothing but praise and admiration for them.  

    In terms of work environment, it does not get much better.  You work with caring, supportive people who genuinely want you to succeed and be the best you can be - job satisfaction is very high.  This is not something to be taken for granted. I have heard that in many positions - especially in the corporate world - it can be very competitive and cut throat where any missteps you make for whatever reason, become someone else’s sought-after, and quickly exploited, opportunities. Some people claim to thrive on that, but I don't think it is healthy for anyone.  This is something that would very much remain foreign to you… which is a good thing.


  6. 2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

    It's sad that the bad apples have ruined our name. In fact, this is how extremists begin. With this poisonous hatred that fills their hearts. It's frankly disgusting how proud people are in their hatred. You're right, now, many people have associated the 'religious' ones with hypocrisy and hatred. Its just very disappointing to see the degradation of the name of our Prophet and his progeny being supported by the likes of such hateful individuals. 

    Pride in hatred is a very good descriptor and it is definitely disgusting, but it is not just disgusting but really confusing. Behaviour is encouraged by reward. What rewards does one feel from that?  It is very confusing to me how someone can get through life with that level of angst.  It would literally poison everything you experience in life.  It would be a major burden in life, and one that would be thought, not to be sustainable - so I don't get it.  Maybe it is a cultural chasm.

  7. 1 hour ago, notme said:

     I tested waters for pollution and notified companies if they needed to clean up their effluents. 

    LOL. I did that for a summer on a research grant.  I did LD 50's on salmon fingerlings...  Good for figuring out pollution levels of effluents, but not so good for the salmon fingerlings. :cry:

  8. 1 hour ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

    What do you think about people who prefer to have one gender over the other? There are people in my family who have successfully swayed their gender probability of their unborn child through diet and timing and they have all decided to have boys. 

    I think the preference for boys is strange, and I hate how some women act as if having girls is a burden. 

    Not sure what this means.  How do you have boys through diet and timing?  The gender is determined by the male.

  9. The impact of gender selective abortion has been huge in China and India.  Estimates as high as 100 million girls are gone... leaving some areas with no "marriageable" age women and in its place there is all the social and criminal outfall that is created because of that.  But these are not the only areas - the Caucasus area, south Eastern Europe and even Pakistan in the Punjab area has a birth ratio of 116 boys to 100 girls.  Estimates are that 6 million Pakistani girls are missing as a result of abortions in the Punjab area.  North America and Western European countries also have gender selective abortions usually from new immigrants that have come from countries where having a male child is very desired.  For example, gender selective abortion is legal in Canada, and gender selective abortions by new immigrants of Indian ethnicity, have been studied and identified, but the laws have not been changed as it is thought that "this will die out once these populations settle in Canada".


  10. I don't get the impression we are all introverts or that there is a connection between being an introvert and poor behaviour.  I think people can be aggressive and rude with poor akhlaq regardless of introvert or extrovert personalities.

    The anonymity of online, of course, emboldens people, at times, to be not their best.  It is something that we need to constantly self-monitor. We also need to recognize the first signs of aggressive behaviour in others... and then clearly step away from it.

  11. 1 hour ago, notme said:


    A group that I'm a part of has decided to organize a book club, and I've been "selected" to lead it. We have a book, so selection isn't an issue. We can meet and discuss readings monthly, probably supplemented by online discussion. We also want the book group to be a source of outreach for our organization. 

    Anyone have any experience with this kind of stuff? I've never been in charge of a group of adults before. 

    That will be fun.  Book clubs can develop into incredible groups :) 
    Biggest issues maybe
    1. keeping people on topic (adults are much worse than kids in this area) and
    2. being really clear as to the role of the "leader" position so that you do not end up doing a lot of increasingly time consuming tasks that are to be shared (***note items 8, 9 and 10  :verryhappy:) .  
    Some suggestions for the first meeting:
    First half of meeting is to take time to greet and meet each other - maybe each member shares a little bit of what they hope to get out of the group.  This will help everyone to get to know each other and will also probably open up some ideas as to more specifics in structure and direction.  
    Second half of meeting …. suggest an agenda and then ask for additions.. Below are a few suggestions to give an idea.

    Goal is to reach consensus on agenda items.  Get a volunteer (not you) to write down the groups ideas and agree to send them to each member.

    1. Clarify roles and responsibility of the leader of the group and when and if this position rotates.
    2. Determine location - one location or rotating locations? Expectations of the location set up. Create a table of dates and locations.
    3. Food and drinks? If so, what is considered appropriate/dietary concerns, etc? Perhaps suggest a rotating roster of say two people each meeting time that are responsible.
    4. Suggested topics to explore in general and others if applicable with each book… and then the leader (if that is decided as part of her role) creates talking points.
    5. Determine who will be responsible for group communication items when needed - will maintain up-to-date contact information
    6. Determine level of expected participation - in other words, people commit to being an active member; maybe agree that members contact the communication person if going to be away.
    7. Determine maximum number of members and how and when to bring in new members.
    8. Delegate
    9. Delegate
    10. Delegate


  12. 4 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:


    What do you all think about heading to a nutritionist? I think a break from calorie counting might be good for me. Would they be covered by insurance? 

    I think any professional that is trained in this area would be helpful.. There are also psychologists that specialize in this area as well and I would lean to that area of expertise as they would be able to incorporate your other health issues into a comprehensive plan.

  13. 1 hour ago, notme said:

    Cravings are your body's way of telling you it needs something. Unfortunately, it isn't very discriminating with the message. While you might need some carbohydrate, you probably don't need a pack of Oreos or a donut. Just don't keep any junk food in your house and you'll be forced to pick healthier options. (As a bonus, your husband will eat healthier too!)

    If you're eating healthy and moderately and still gaining weight, try increasing your exercise. Maybe your metabolism is slowing - it will happen as you get older. 

    How to be a healthy weight:
    1. Move
    2. Move
    3. Move
    4. No foods in the house that have a ton of artificial anything in them - no pre-prepared food, at all.  These “foods" cause inflammation (even though you can’t see it) from the inorganic ingredients they contain to your body (an organic system)  that impacts healthy metabolic function - as the body is using its energy to fight these toxins.
    5. Everything in moderation - keeping an eye on the quality of of the carbs, fats and proteins… that is simple enough to do as a healthy diet is a very simple diet.
    6. Eat what you need to in the day to be healthy and maintain energy.  if you have room after that you can have healthy treats - even treats like cake, etc as it is made at home with fresh (and organic if you are able) butter, eggs, wheat flour.
    7. Don’t think so much about food.  Think about your next activity and get a hobby that calls for some movement.
    I work with a woman who has all the time in the world to look up diets online but does not have time to go for a 20 minute walk with me. I told her she could even tell me about her diet ideas while we were walking —nope, that didn’t work either.
    It is a mindset.
    Think of yourself as fit and healthy.  When you walk down the street no matter what your weight or fitness - envision yourself as the fit and healthy person you want to be. With each step. Really envision it.  If you see yourself as fit and healthy - you will make choices that a fit and healthy person will make.
     It is not so much about denying treats, but seeking out healthy… where healthy choices are normal choices. It will be normal to move and normal to not even think about toxic foods.  Once you get that stuff out of your diet you feel so good you would not want to eat it again.  
    Diet is no more than 40% --- and movement is no less than 60% of a healthy you.  You need to move.  There are many things that you can incorporate into your day that become habits that increase your health.  Park far away from the store and walk.  No excuses.  Just do it and it becomes a natural thing to do.  
    Don’t take an elevator up one flight. Just make it a life rule. No excuses!  It will become an engrained habit.
    Always take the more physically challenging route in anything.  Stop saying you don’t have time - the usual excuse. 
    Go for a 10 minute walk versus wasting time on the computer.  I like the pedometers as they confirm what you know you are doing… and give instant feed back on your movement choice to transfer your body from one situation to another.  Very motivating.
    I take the bus to work - it is about an hour each way and I never get a seat.  I have to rebalance every time the driver (and they seem to hire people who have anger issues … probably due to lack of personal movement and unhealthy diet….) who continually and aggressively lurch the bus as they start and stop.  However, all is good.  I have decided there is nothing better to develop a really strong core.  And it is a free!  
    I would really recommend staying away from anything that is not sustainable - such as weird extreme diets.  They do not lead to a healthy psychology about every day health - and that is the key.  Keep it simple.  Eat a balance of food in moderation, drink lots of water and focus your mind on your next activity.  This will keep you healthy mentally and physically. 
    Dear sister Islandsandmirrors
    The very last thing a mental health professional should be doing is shaming a person about anything.  I would address that with her.  Ask her what outcome she expects from this in terms of your mental health.  Maybe ask her if she has any evidence to support that shaming and blaming produce positive results.  I have studied in this area for a long time - and I do not know of any.

  14. Just now, notme said:

    Just to confirm, do we all agree that working with a foreign power to destabilize the United States for economic gain would count as treason?

    "Giving aid or comfort to the enemies of the US". Guess it would depend on the legal interpretation of "enemies".  The destabilizing part would probably cinch it though.


  15. 21 hours ago, Gabenowa said:

    Judaism, Christianity and Islam all began as versions of what we would today call political movements.........They were the last social layer to accept Islam and some of the earliest deviations from orthodoxy first matured in the Muslim countryside.

    Thanks - this is really interesting and I would like to read more about it.  Do you have any sources you could list here?

  16. 32 minutes ago, notme said:

    Just curious, does anyone know the penalty for treason? I think it's execution or deportation. Is that correct? 

    Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United Statesor elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

    (June 25, 1948, ch. 645, 62 Stat. 807; Pub. L. 103–322, title XXXIII, § 330016(2)(J), Sept. 13, 1994, 108 Stat. 2148.)
    If you are American, don't know where you would be deported too.... but Canada seems to be oft noted to be a default location for many, so that might be an option.  However, I would probably migrate before the charges were laid!  

  17. 28 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

    And dealing with it is discussing more productive ways to achieve the same message. We are all entitled to our own opinions. I share my opinion with thousands of other people who all believe this advert has very negative implications. 


    The ad implies that all the men there were abusers of some sort. Where does it show that the men living in the present who are good people? I agree that men have the duty to help other men out, and prevent them from making poor decisions. 


    I did not once suggest or imply that men do not deserve help or guidance. I don't think there is a double standard here, you've misunderstood. There are plenty of campaigns being run to promote different expressions of masculinity, and campaigns being run to help men accept the fact that they are indeed human, and it does not make them less of a man to cry or express sadness and grief. I agree that the double standard you've mentioned exists, but it isn't applicable to this situation. If you'd watched the clip, and seen the reason for the outrage others have expressed, you'd realise this has nothing to do with men and weakness and accepting help. On the contrary, the outrage is because men are being alienated and presented in an extremely negative light.


    That's what many men already do. They don't need Gilette to tell them to be decent human beings.

    But that in itself is so unbelievable. Why are women only being presented as sex objects and not as anything else. The only stereotypes against women are ones that conform to the male gaze. Why not address the real issues, and face the fact that there are women who commit terrible crimes and do horrible things? Why is it that women are only presented as delicate little objects and men as raging animals (exaggeration)? 


    I've responded to everything you've said in all my previous posts, is there anything you think I've missed?

    I thought you wanted a response to the ad - you said there was a debate about it.  In your OP you stated that you dislike the ad and then you asked for … Thoughts?  So I gave my thoughts. That is what I gave.  I was unaware that all posts needed to agree with you (and the "thousands" of others you keep mentioning) and was surprised by your increasing level of exasperation if they didn't. Repeating yourself with increasing sighs does not make your point more valid.    
    If you take all responses that differ from yours as wrong, there is no sense replying.  I was talking in general as the ad was to the general public.  I thought you genuinely wanted people’s thoughts. A mistake I won't be repeating.
    If you don’t want opinions other than your own, state that clearly... or write a blog.

  18. 1 hour ago, 2Timeless said:

    @notme @Nevsevug @Maryaam I don't  think you understand my viewpoint, and the viewpoint of many others. No one is saying the ad says men are weak. The ad does not portray the men who do help stop fights, and who do not abuse and objectify women. Saying getting offended is part of the problem is a problem in itself and it does not answer the question. I believe that many men as it is, are very respectful towards women, and do not participate in fights, and do not end up being predators. Why are those the only kinds of men being represented in the ad? Why does the add say, "this is how men are right now, and this is how they get better?" Why doesn't it instead say that "some men are this horrible, so they should learn from the existing men how to be proper gentlemen?" Im not saying toxic masculinity doesn't exist. It does. And there are many disgusting abusive, pedophilic and horrible men, just as there are women like that. But the vast majority of men don't fit that description . 

    Answer this question please: how would you feel towards an ad that only shows pedophilic, abusive, criminal women? And later envisions women in a better state? 

    If such an ad ever came into existence, I'm 100% sure there would be outrage and women would take to the streets in protest. Why is there such a double standard. 

    I'm going to repeat myself for the last time: I never said it wasn't okay for men to be kind, loving, gentle and emotional. On the contrary, I'm an advocate for that. There were a hundred and one other ways Gilette could've done so, but they chose a way that alienated men and made them feel insulted. Men already are kind, gentle and loving. Yes, men need encouragement to embrace their emotions, but that is not what the ad does. 

    I also recommend watching the clip I linked, it may make the the argument clearer.

    @ali_fatheroforphans could you please explain why you felt insulted by this advert?

    Think I understand your viewpoint on the ad - just did not agree with it….  I know I have my moments of unclarity but don't think this is one of them.  I strive to be balanced and logical for the most part.  
    Inability to deal with being offended IS part of the problem.  Sometimes offending is gratuitous and malicious, but sometimes it is just something that you don’t want to hear, even if you need to hear it. Sometimes, you need to be offended to foster change for the better. I am sure we are all offended in many ways and we need to be able to deal with it.  
    The ad did not say all men are basically evil (also didn't see the level of criminality in the ad, that you mention in your post) They are saying that other men can support other men in making better decisions.  Humans sometimes make poor decisions. And, the ad does not state it, but it subtley  gives the impression that it partly is mens' responsibility to support other men.  That is what it shows.  It shows men supporting men.  That is, I don't think any of the men in the add are portrayed as evil, but some are portrayed as exercising poor decisions and others are portrayed as redirecting them in a supportive way.
    There is a double standard but not the one that you suggest.  The double standard is that it is acceptable and appropriate for women to receive direction and help but not acceptable and appropriate for men to receive guidance and redirection. For instance, a lot of men don't like receiving help.   Many men would rather get lost driving and then figure their way out of their predicament than to initially consult a map.   Support is weakness?
    Don't think I wrote about men being kind, gentle and emotional - although that is always nice.  I was pretty clear that men could be logical, control their anger, enhance impulse control and support other men in being able to do that too.  

  19. 1 hour ago, 2Timeless said:

    I agree, but the men I've discussed this with, and those who have reacted to it online don't see it as support. The ad is offensive as it suggests that all men do all the negative behaviours you mentioned.

    It is mentioning behaviours that do happen, and we see them everyday - I didn't get the impression that it says all men do this.  I got the impression that it says that all men have the ability and strength to redirect.  It is encouragement.  It is a positive message.  It says men can be strong and absolute.

    Unless we totally live in LaLa Land (a place I all too often frequent myself!!), we can see these aggressions all around us.  Schools have targeted anti-bully campaigns where children are taught not to turn away or remain silent by even micro aggressions. That does not mean that all people bully.  It means if we do not address it, we are inadvertently part of the bullying, and it continues.   We all need to stand up to injustice and male-specific injustices are no exception.  

    I think that there has been given a very strong message of support to women - they are being told not to underestimate themselves, reach for their goals and to above all support your community of sisters in this quest. There are a zillion blogs written by women for women (aka support, support, support, support...) promoting how to be a good mom, how to be the healthiest you, and how to maximize your education and workplace potential, etc.  The message is not that women are derelict mothers, unhealthy blobs of protoplasm, profoundly illiterate or incapable of holding a job.   Support is seen as a strength - not a weakness.

    I think men are thought, by women especially - but men too, to have been so "advantaged" that they could swim through life with little to no support.  And even now to suggest that men could benefit from brotherly support is seen as being weak and offensive by some. A lot of what was seen in the ad was guidance to prevent a potential harm by someone who has not thought through their next action.  Not all men are sure enough in themselves that they would immediately redirect or stop a wrong. There is nothing wrong with the message, but if it is seen as offensive, maybe there is a more male-centric way to approach it? Or maybe being offended by something like this is part of the problem? Maybe a male could shed some light on this.

  20. Hope I saw the right video.  I don’t see the toxicity in this.  
    Basically, it is saying be the best you can be and encourage others to be the best they can be; it is called positive peer pressure. And when you see a problem, address it - that is, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.  
    Some everyday “issues" are male oriented and are best addressed by those who best understand them, ie, by other men. Issues such as being sexually inappropriate to women; getting overly aggressive (especially when a group of guys get together and egg each other on - aka negative peer pressure); young men and boys in need of a strong male role model who can show how to successfully avoid and solve problems rather than promoting further conflict with the use of trigger aggression, etc.  True male honour comes from the ability to control anger (not let it control you), to be able to cope with delayed (not immediate) gratification, to have the strength to address wrongs and to make an unwavering commitment to support their young.
    I don't see the ad as showing men as weak, but as saying men can be strong to address these issues - and it is OK to do so.  I also don't see it as showing men in a bad light.  These behaviours happen and men are often confused as to whether they should walk away and shake their head or whether they should get involved.  
    It is blatantly obvious that we have a significant problem with young men who are raised with way too little guidance, especially in poorer communities where fathers can be scarce - but it happens everywhere - too many young men fumble their way through their youth with a definite lack of direction and support. They often seem lost and as a result make some bad choices that impact them for the rest of their lives.
    There are many, many ad campaigns, and government initiatives, etc, to support young women to be the best they can be, and they have been successful.. Young men have not been included in this developmental focus.  I just see this as an ad to support young men.  Everything can be micro analyzed and critiqued but I think the intent is clear and well meaning.  At the very least, it has sparked debate.  Targeted support for young men is long overdue.


    26 minutes ago, Mohamed1993 said:

    Even if we’re squeaky clean, they will find a way to drag you down because they don’t like you not because of what you do but because of who you are. Let me ask you when black people in the US fought for their rights, were they polite? Were they civil? People like Malcolm X hated civility, he in fact explicitly opposed it, saying we must push back. Ofc muslims in the US don’t face the same situation blacks did back in the day, but honestly appeasement hasn’t worked and the Republican Party under Trump, who has used vile rhetoric against pretty much any minority group you can think of and the democrats have been completely ineffective at stopping him. Federal workers aren’t getting paid because of his stupid insistence to build a wall. What will their families eat? If that doesn’t outrage you but explicit language does, maybe the problem isn’t us, the problem is ignorant people who can be manipulated so easily. Republicans like to portray how they’re so polite, yet where are they when children are dying at the border or when people are banned from seeing their sick infant because of a ban that’s been imposed on people simply because they hail from a certain country, one that we’re actively helping to starve into submission? 

    Don't think equating/monitoring/scoring a person's level of outrage about social injustices with their willingness to be obscene has any real meaning.

    Fake smiling to your face while plunging a knife in your back is not "politeness" - Republican or otherwise.  

    Maybe I am just old fashioned and stuck in akhlaq-ville and the current way of the day is to emulate your enemy's most vile behaviours with the idea that you will to try and reach a "level" playing/fighting field(?)  

    The more extreme your behaviour, the more the focus is on your behaviour and not your content. It is important to recognize when you are being enticed into this trap..... 

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