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Everything posted by Maryaam

  1. No - I am assuming. I am sure if needed he could find one who agrees with his behaviour... which seems to be the MO in situations like this.
  2. He took a second wife who is Ahl al Kitab without permission of his first wife. He said the marriage was over but has not divorced his first wife so he would still need her permission.
  3. It has played out. It is over and she needs to move on to the next stage in her life, as he has in his. She appears to have accepted her wrong doing and is remorseful. No one is accountable for her behaviour but her.. She has acknowledged the lie and hoped for forgiveness. That has not happened and it is his right to not forgive. He has said that he does not accept her once he knew that she had lied to him. "Finally last year, he told me he could no longer continue with the marraige, and around the same time he went into mut'a with a lady, shes non-Muslim and he says she makes him extremely happy." I disagree that his behaviour is an effect of an action. It is not even a reaction to another action....it is simply someone looking for justification for zina. Therein lies the problem - there is no justification for zina. And trying to cloud the reality of his behaviour by merging (pseudo-sanitizing?) it with her behaviour (and somehow hold her accountable for HIS behaviour) does not work outside of his hedonistic, non-remorseful, little world.. The only person who is accountable for his behaviour is him. No one else. No one else will be held accountable either in this world or the next. Only him. In the meantime, the OP is still married to him and he still has obligations towards her - obligations he is not fulfilling. Given his statement above, he should let her go; he should divorce her. But instead, he has chosen to treat her with extreme disrespect and has pushed her into some kind of discard pile that he retrieves occasionally for his own needs. Lovely. Nothing about this man indicates strength of character. I don't understand the posts about reconciliation as he has shown no move towards reconciliation; he gives no evidence nor appearance of intention to try reconciliation; he has not tried to reach any kind of compromise, understanding, agreement, consensus, etc.. He has clearly stated that the marriage is over for him. What he has chosen to engage in has absolutely nothing to do with the OP... he has made it clear that she is no longer in the picture. He is just happy in his haram relationship that requires little responsibility or accountability or long term obligation. He has what is important to him. It has played out.
  4. Salam Smiiley001, You are being treated badly, very badly - guess you know that. But if you need confirmation from someone - here it is! He is humiliating, degrading and disrespecting not only you but himself and his family, with this behaviour. He says he is happy in his haram union, so let it be - it is his error. It is his issue to deal with and ultimately he WILL need to deal with it. It is only of cultural consequence what he thinks of your past and whatever fragilities he has around that. Islamically, you do not have to be a virgin to be married and you can marry a non virgin. That was exemplified many times by the Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)). But, you were in error to lie. However, you are willing to discuss it with him. To do that, he needs to put on his big boy pants to work with you and come to an understanding and hopefully, forgiveness. He has proven that he, as well, is also capable of sin and so is in no situation to permanently condemn you. The difference is that you are seeking forgiveness for yours and he is celebrating his. His mother is basically telling you to let him have his fun (and this attitude is probably what created this perpetual little boy in the first place) and lay back and wait for him to finish with this woman (and he will finish with her as it has no foundation nor support) and all will be fine. It won’t be fine. His way of dealing with interpersonal challenges is to avoid, escape and deflect. Real men don't do that. Real men face their problems head on and don't continually primp a fragile ego. You deserve a real man. You deserve a man who is ready for the challenges and rewards of adulthood through the life struggle of remaining on a righteous path. Don't know if you need to hear this as well, but given his not so Islamic behaviour and his ethical and moral lassitude, you are under no obligation to stay.
  5. New York Post - Oct 2018 According to the UNFPA State of the World Population 2018. https://www.unfpa.org/sites/default/files/pub-pdf/UNFPA_PUB_2018_EN_SWP.pdf Forty percent of US babies are being born to unmarried parents, a trend that has risen steadily over the past five decades. In 1970, only about 10 percent of births were outside marriage, according to the report, by the UN Population Fund. The trend toward out-of-wedlock babies is even higher in Europe. France has the largest percentage of out-of-wedlock births in the European Union, with 60 percent of babies being born outside marriage. The report also shows that women in America are waiting longer before having their first child. In the US, the average age of a woman having her first child is now 27, as opposed to in 1970, when that age was 22. Women in Canada, Japan, Spain and Korea all have still higher average ages for a woman’s first birth, with Korean women topping the chart by having their first child at an average of age 31. …………... Accuracy of reporting: It is hard to know what the actual numbers of “married” parents are, as you would have to determine what is meant by “married”. The legal definition would be to have a registered marriage with the state but that would not indicate marriages that are through religion only. For example, how many Muslims register their marriages - especially if they have more than one? Advantages: There can be advantages to not getting married in terms of social services and benefits depending on one’s situation and issues within the family structure. (I know of a man disabled because of a car accident who receives more services as a single as when married. He had to divorce his wife after his accident. It was the only way they could get significant services… because it was expected that his wife would be supplying a lot of the care - but she couldn’t as she now had to work and support the family. He lives in a small apartment nearby and the whole family goes there for breakfast and then she drives kids to school and goes to work....) Societal Attitudes: In general, in the West, the thoughts of a single woman having a child outside marriage is not looked upon favourably. It is not seen as being as bad, if the woman is wealthy or if she has a partner. It appears that it is not the morality of it, so much as the cost of social services that are assumed the woman would need if she is on her own. Also, different cultural/ethnic groups view this financial dependence differently…. Some groups have no issue whatsoever and consider this the norm. The idea of ostracizing/belittling/shaming the parents who had a child outside of marriage does not make sense to me - How would that be beneficial for their children who obviously would be greatly affected by their family's standing in the community? What if the parents have repented and are remorseful? How would we know? And if so, is it our business to know - or is this between them and God? Also, open, overt condemnation, encourages unmarried people from conservative cultures to opt for abortion - compounding the sin. And yes, women from conservative cultures have abortions - especially in countries where abortion is mainstream and your privacy is protected.
  6. Your wife (who is supposed to be holding intimate private information between you as private) has told her family , who are now most likely telling other people, that you are impotent and you are not - intentionally ruining your reputation and possibly ability to remarry given that there is false information about you. If money is the language that they comprehend, I would turn their world around and aggressively sue for slander. This does not sound like an issue to do with a medical condition; it is just a screen.
  7. My diet is decent; I am aware and think about what I eat before I eat it. I look for quality ingredients But, I definitely have my moments of weakness. For a long time, I was addicted to Doritos for some unknown reason - a yummy mixture of salt, artificial flavour, a bright orange dye, and preservatives.
  8. Given what you have described of yourself (your interests, your attributes and health considerations), teaching of primary (Grade K - 3) students would be what I would suggest. It is a very demanding but rewarding job. It is also a good pragmatic choice, in that it will take less investment in terms of time and money. I can’t see how it would ever be boring. Students have incredibly diverse envirionmental backgrounds, learning strengths and needs. Striving to meet the teaching and learning goals of each one, especially in a large group setting takes a lot of creativity; it is a true art form! You would also have a big part in developing the future of our communities. In the early grades, the students think you are pretty much the knower of all things - everything you say and do is of great importance and impact to them. It is a wonderful opportunity to really reach out and guide children in the best ways. Because of the July/August break, you would always have the opportunity to continue your studies in summer university programs leading to a masters in a specific teaching field (special education, literacy, etc) - which will open doors for higher level positions within the school system, or, perhaps a masters in educational psychology where you would work as part of a multi-disciplinary team in assessing and developing programs for children with exceptional learning requirements. These teams can consist of teachers, specialist teachers, counsellors, school psychologists, speech and language pathologists, occupational and physiotherapists, social workers and any number and variety of outside consultants. As one of those outside consultants, I work collaboratively with these teams. I am always impressed with the dedication and drive of these people - especially the teachers. Most of the team members pretty much work one to one with a child, but the teacher has the most demanding role as they engage and manage an entire class as they perform their magic. I have nothing but praise and admiration for them. In terms of work environment, it does not get much better. You work with caring, supportive people who genuinely want you to succeed and be the best you can be - job satisfaction is very high. This is not something to be taken for granted. I have heard that in many positions - especially in the corporate world - it can be very competitive and cut throat where any missteps you make for whatever reason, become someone else’s sought-after, and quickly exploited, opportunities. Some people claim to thrive on that, but I don't think it is healthy for anyone. This is something that would very much remain foreign to you… which is a good thing.
  9. Pride in hatred is a very good descriptor and it is definitely disgusting, but it is not just disgusting but really confusing. Behaviour is encouraged by reward. What rewards does one feel from that? It is very confusing to me how someone can get through life with that level of angst. It would literally poison everything you experience in life. It would be a major burden in life, and one that would be thought, not to be sustainable - so I don't get it. Maybe it is a cultural chasm.
  10. Maryaam

    Change the world

    LOL. I did that for a summer on a research grant. I did LD 50's on salmon fingerlings... Good for figuring out pollution levels of effluents, but not so good for the salmon fingerlings.
  11. Not sure what this means. How do you have boys through diet and timing? The gender is determined by the male.
  12. The impact of gender selective abortion has been huge in China and India. Estimates as high as 100 million girls are gone... leaving some areas with no "marriageable" age women and in its place there is all the social and criminal outfall that is created because of that. But these are not the only areas - the Caucasus area, south Eastern Europe and even Pakistan in the Punjab area has a birth ratio of 116 boys to 100 girls. Estimates are that 6 million Pakistani girls are missing as a result of abortions in the Punjab area. North America and Western European countries also have gender selective abortions usually from new immigrants that have come from countries where having a male child is very desired. For example, gender selective abortion is legal in Canada, and gender selective abortions by new immigrants of Indian ethnicity, have been studied and identified, but the laws have not been changed as it is thought that "this will die out once these populations settle in Canada".
  13. I don't get the impression we are all introverts or that there is a connection between being an introvert and poor behaviour. I think people can be aggressive and rude with poor akhlaq regardless of introvert or extrovert personalities. The anonymity of online, of course, emboldens people, at times, to be not their best. It is something that we need to constantly self-monitor. We also need to recognize the first signs of aggressive behaviour in others... and then clearly step away from it.
  14. That will be fun. Book clubs can develop into incredible groups Biggest issues maybe 1. keeping people on topic (adults are much worse than kids in this area) and 2. being really clear as to the role of the "leader" position so that you do not end up doing a lot of increasingly time consuming tasks that are to be shared (***note items 8, 9 and 10 ) . Some suggestions for the first meeting: First half of meeting is to take time to greet and meet each other - maybe each member shares a little bit of what they hope to get out of the group. This will help everyone to get to know each other and will also probably open up some ideas as to more specifics in structure and direction. Second half of meeting …. suggest an agenda and then ask for additions.. Below are a few suggestions to give an idea. Goal is to reach consensus on agenda items. Get a volunteer (not you) to write down the groups ideas and agree to send them to each member. Clarify roles and responsibility of the leader of the group and when and if this position rotates. Determine location - one location or rotating locations? Expectations of the location set up. Create a table of dates and locations. Food and drinks? If so, what is considered appropriate/dietary concerns, etc? Perhaps suggest a rotating roster of say two people each meeting time that are responsible. Suggested topics to explore in general and others if applicable with each book… and then the leader (if that is decided as part of her role) creates talking points. Determine who will be responsible for group communication items when needed - will maintain up-to-date contact information Determine level of expected participation - in other words, people commit to being an active member; maybe agree that members contact the communication person if going to be away. Determine maximum number of members and how and when to bring in new members. Delegate Delegate Delegate
  15. I think any professional that is trained in this area would be helpful.. There are also psychologists that specialize in this area as well and I would lean to that area of expertise as they would be able to incorporate your other health issues into a comprehensive plan.
  16. +1000 How to be a healthy weight: Move Move Move No foods in the house that have a ton of artificial anything in them - no pre-prepared food, at all. These “foods" cause inflammation (even though you can’t see it) from the inorganic ingredients they contain to your body (an organic system) that impacts healthy metabolic function - as the body is using its energy to fight these toxins. Everything in moderation - keeping an eye on the quality of of the carbs, fats and proteins… that is simple enough to do as a healthy diet is a very simple diet. Eat what you need to in the day to be healthy and maintain energy. if you have room after that you can have healthy treats - even treats like cake, etc as it is made at home with fresh (and organic if you are able) butter, eggs, wheat flour. Don’t think so much about food. Think about your next activity and get a hobby that calls for some movement. I work with a woman who has all the time in the world to look up diets online but does not have time to go for a 20 minute walk with me. I told her she could even tell me about her diet ideas while we were walking —nope, that didn’t work either. It is a mindset. Think of yourself as fit and healthy. When you walk down the street no matter what your weight or fitness - envision yourself as the fit and healthy person you want to be. With each step. Really envision it. If you see yourself as fit and healthy - you will make choices that a fit and healthy person will make. It is not so much about denying treats, but seeking out healthy… where healthy choices are normal choices. It will be normal to move and normal to not even think about toxic foods. Once you get that stuff out of your diet you feel so good you would not want to eat it again. Diet is no more than 40% --- and movement is no less than 60% of a healthy you. You need to move. There are many things that you can incorporate into your day that become habits that increase your health. Park far away from the store and walk. No excuses. Just do it and it becomes a natural thing to do. Don’t take an elevator up one flight. Just make it a life rule. No excuses! It will become an engrained habit. Always take the more physically challenging route in anything. Stop saying you don’t have time - the usual excuse. Go for a 10 minute walk versus wasting time on the computer. I like the pedometers as they confirm what you know you are doing… and give instant feed back on your movement choice to transfer your body from one situation to another. Very motivating. I take the bus to work - it is about an hour each way and I never get a seat. I have to rebalance every time the driver (and they seem to hire people who have anger issues … probably due to lack of personal movement and unhealthy diet….) who continually and aggressively lurch the bus as they start and stop. However, all is good. I have decided there is nothing better to develop a really strong core. And it is a free! I would really recommend staying away from anything that is not sustainable - such as weird extreme diets. They do not lead to a healthy psychology about every day health - and that is the key. Keep it simple. Eat a balance of food in moderation, drink lots of water and focus your mind on your next activity. This will keep you healthy mentally and physically. ……… Dear sister Islandsandmirrors The very last thing a mental health professional should be doing is shaming a person about anything. I would address that with her. Ask her what outcome she expects from this in terms of your mental health. Maybe ask her if she has any evidence to support that shaming and blaming produce positive results. I have studied in this area for a long time - and I do not know of any.
  17. "Giving aid or comfort to the enemies of the US". Guess it would depend on the legal interpretation of "enemies". The destabilizing part would probably cinch it though.
  18. Thanks - this is really interesting and I would like to read more about it. Do you have any sources you could list here?
  19. Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United Statesor elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States. (June 25, 1948, ch. 645, 62 Stat. 807; Pub. L. 103–322, title XXXIII, § 330016(2)(J), Sept. 13, 1994, 108 Stat. 2148.) If you are American, don't know where you would be deported too.... but Canada seems to be oft noted to be a default location for many, so that might be an option. However, I would probably migrate before the charges were laid! Source: LII -->you.S. Code-->Title 18. CRIMES AND CRIMINAL PROCEDURE--> Part I. CRIMES-->Chapter 115.TREASON, SEDITION, AND SUBVERSIVE ACTIVITIES--> Section 2381. Treason
  20. I thought you wanted a response to the ad - you said there was a debate about it. In your OP you stated that you dislike the ad and then you asked for … Thoughts? So I gave my thoughts. That is what I gave. I was unaware that all posts needed to agree with you (and the "thousands" of others you keep mentioning) and was surprised by your increasing level of exasperation if they didn't. Repeating yourself with increasing sighs does not make your point more valid. If you take all responses that differ from yours as wrong, there is no sense replying. I was talking in general as the ad was to the general public. I thought you genuinely wanted people’s thoughts. A mistake I won't be repeating. If you don’t want opinions other than your own, state that clearly... or write a blog.
  21. Think I understand your viewpoint on the ad - just did not agree with it…. I know I have my moments of unclarity but don't think this is one of them. I strive to be balanced and logical for the most part. Inability to deal with being offended IS part of the problem. Sometimes offending is gratuitous and malicious, but sometimes it is just something that you don’t want to hear, even if you need to hear it. Sometimes, you need to be offended to foster change for the better. I am sure we are all offended in many ways and we need to be able to deal with it. The ad did not say all men are basically evil (also didn't see the level of criminality in the ad, that you mention in your post) They are saying that other men can support other men in making better decisions. Humans sometimes make poor decisions. And, the ad does not state it, but it subtley gives the impression that it partly is mens' responsibility to support other men. That is what it shows. It shows men supporting men. That is, I don't think any of the men in the add are portrayed as evil, but some are portrayed as exercising poor decisions and others are portrayed as redirecting them in a supportive way. There is a double standard but not the one that you suggest. The double standard is that it is acceptable and appropriate for women to receive direction and help but not acceptable and appropriate for men to receive guidance and redirection. For instance, a lot of men don't like receiving help. Many men would rather get lost driving and then figure their way out of their predicament than to initially consult a map. Support is weakness? Don't think I wrote about men being kind, gentle and emotional - although that is always nice. I was pretty clear that men could be logical, control their anger, enhance impulse control and support other men in being able to do that too.
  22. It is mentioning behaviours that do happen, and we see them everyday - I didn't get the impression that it says all men do this. I got the impression that it says that all men have the ability and strength to redirect. It is encouragement. It is a positive message. It says men can be strong and absolute. Unless we totally live in LaLa Land (a place I all too often frequent myself!!), we can see these aggressions all around us. Schools have targeted anti-bully campaigns where children are taught not to turn away or remain silent by even micro aggressions. That does not mean that all people bully. It means if we do not address it, we are inadvertently part of the bullying, and it continues. We all need to stand up to injustice and male-specific injustices are no exception. I think that there has been given a very strong message of support to women - they are being told not to underestimate themselves, reach for their goals and to above all support your community of sisters in this quest. There are a zillion blogs written by women for women (aka support, support, support, support...) promoting how to be a good mom, how to be the healthiest you, and how to maximize your education and workplace potential, etc. The message is not that women are derelict mothers, unhealthy blobs of protoplasm, profoundly illiterate or incapable of holding a job. Support is seen as a strength - not a weakness. I think men are thought, by women especially - but men too, to have been so "advantaged" that they could swim through life with little to no support. And even now to suggest that men could benefit from brotherly support is seen as being weak and offensive by some. A lot of what was seen in the ad was guidance to prevent a potential harm by someone who has not thought through their next action. Not all men are sure enough in themselves that they would immediately redirect or stop a wrong. There is nothing wrong with the message, but if it is seen as offensive, maybe there is a more male-centric way to approach it? Or maybe being offended by something like this is part of the problem? Maybe a male could shed some light on this.
  23. Hope I saw the right video. I don’t see the toxicity in this. Basically, it is saying be the best you can be and encourage others to be the best they can be; it is called positive peer pressure. And when you see a problem, address it - that is, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Some everyday “issues" are male oriented and are best addressed by those who best understand them, ie, by other men. Issues such as being sexually inappropriate to women; getting overly aggressive (especially when a group of guys get together and egg each other on - aka negative peer pressure); young men and boys in need of a strong male role model who can show how to successfully avoid and solve problems rather than promoting further conflict with the use of trigger aggression, etc. True male honour comes from the ability to control anger (not let it control you), to be able to cope with delayed (not immediate) gratification, to have the strength to address wrongs and to make an unwavering commitment to support their young. I don't see the ad as showing men as weak, but as saying men can be strong to address these issues - and it is OK to do so. I also don't see it as showing men in a bad light. These behaviours happen and men are often confused as to whether they should walk away and shake their head or whether they should get involved. It is blatantly obvious that we have a significant problem with young men who are raised with way too little guidance, especially in poorer communities where fathers can be scarce - but it happens everywhere - too many young men fumble their way through their youth with a definite lack of direction and support. They often seem lost and as a result make some bad choices that impact them for the rest of their lives. There are many, many ad campaigns, and government initiatives, etc, to support young women to be the best they can be, and they have been successful.. Young men have not been included in this developmental focus. I just see this as an ad to support young men. Everything can be micro analyzed and critiqued but I think the intent is clear and well meaning. At the very least, it has sparked debate. Targeted support for young men is long overdue.
  24. Maryaam

    W.I.M. wimmin

    What does this have to do with Shia attacking each other on a Shia site, presumably over a post that they don't like, don't agree with or think is fake…. or they don't like the poster, feel the poster is irreligious or a sinner or a troll? You seemed to be saying that you don't want posts that you see as causing conflict on the site. My position is that the posts don’t cause the conflict, the conflict is already there (within the community) - the post just produces a platform and opportunity to expose it. Don't know about your further ramble. This is not just externalizing - it is a total disconnect…..
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