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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Maryaam last won the day on April 23 2014

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About Maryaam

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  1. I remember agreeing with you on many things in the past. Especially posts from years ago.
  2. Really? What would the other things be?
  3. I have definitely not always agreed with sister Timeless, but have never gotten the impression that she thinks negatively of men. What a strange thing to say.
  4. Ummm.... exactly how many "second" wives did he have? As a teen, I saw a number of new subsequent (2 and more) wives and they were never a single mom, don't know if they were widows - guess it is possible, but subsequent wives were always much younger and attractive.... to please God I guess..... Great rhetoric about the "widows and orphans", but I have never seen it in real life. I know of one second wife here (in the West), and she is at least 20 years younger (no children) than the first wife. There was a poster on here who had 3 or 4 siblings (one had a serious mental health disorder) and a mom who had to work out of the house and a father who also worked. He had a second wife who he used to visit for months at a time (leave his work), as she was in Iran. Again, she was younger with no children. The poster and her family, along with everything else that goes with missing a supporting father, got hit with a significant economic blow. They really struggled financially and emotionally. Yes, I will agree that ego is definitely in play here.... just not the way you presented it.
  5. Polygamy is not for me; I would not consider it. I require a full time, devoted husband and my children deserve a full time, devoted father. Family stability is the first priority in raising emotionally healthy, confident children. I have seen, first hand, polygamist families in the east (as a young teen) and what I saw was family confusion, turmoil and disconnect. Some of my friends hardly ever saw their father and when he came to visit, he was treated with the utmost respect but there was definitely no sense of intimate familiarity or connection. There was no paternal confidant or a male role model in any sense for most of the kids. Usually the father chose one or two children that he favoured and gave a lot more attention, but the rest were given a cursory nod. In any case, there is no social need for polygamy with today's services and supports. It is permissible and it is available if required (lack of males from a devastating war maybe?), but unless there is a huge discrepancy in the numbers of women to men (which there isn’t - actually in some areas of the world there is a huge lack of marriageable women due to gender selective abortion), it is not socially just that some men have several wives (usually due to financial wealth) while some men, who are born into less, would have access to none.
  6. I agree. The need to be toxic transcends Muslim/non Muslim; that is, there are toxic people in all religions, positions and walks of life. I don't think it is a lack of morals, it is a mental health issue that is linked to a depressive life style caused by any number of precursors or situations. It is just best to avoid these people as their mental attitude can be spread - especially if you are feeling kind of down for any reason.
  7. In general, it is probably best to stay away from sites like that. It sounds like a site where people have to outdo one another (in this case, with their wedding stories); that is, they feel the need to be socially competitive. Not mentally healthy - leads to what you just described - aggressive criticism of others to maintain their sense of one-up-man-ship. Only embrace activities and people who will increase your adherence to your faith and will guide your actions towards yourself and others. That will give the greatest sense of personal security and peace.
  8. Don't know how much longer this will be going on but if you are being kept out because of painting - that sounds odd to me. It is understandable that your parents feel they are helping and you should be grateful, but ultimately nothing is ever free. Everything always exacts a price of some kind. Maybe the kind of which sister Notme has alluded. Anyway, it sounds like you are staying; otherwise, you would have left by now. One thing to focus on: Your parents have complained about you being untidy. Again understandable, as we all feel that our own disarray creates a homey and comfortable space, but when it is someone else’s, it is just an eyesore. I would pack away anything that you don’t need so you are not tripping over it and constantly picking it up. Have only the bare minimum out. Keep it simple and super tidy. Do whatever you can to lessen any potential strain on your part. Spend as much time as possible outside of the house - and I don't mean doing a comprehensive tour of local restaurants!! The weather is getting better. It would be great if you have bicycles, but, if not, at least go on walks together - good for losing weight, improving mental outlook and strengthening your relationship. You might even meet another couple doing the same thing. Expand your personal life (and focus) beyond your parents house so it has less impact on you.
  9. In general, Canadians are quite tolerant and accepting of differences among peoples - probably because they are not as stressed. It has a more socialist system so all people are guaranteed to be cared for, which lessens anxiety and fear in general.. Also, Canada has only one tenth the population of the US - so is definitely not overcrowded. They have health care for all, have a healthy more outdoor lifestyle, are not so concerned about making massive amounts of money, have a lot less weapons on the street, etc - these things also reduce general anxiety in regards to safety and well being. So maybe because of this, Canadians are just very content and laid back (sometimes irritatingly so, to me, but the good outweighs the bad). So basically, they are friendly, helpful, and unconditionally accept you (whatever your differences) till they have reason not to. Maybe less pre-judging? However, if you look, you can find intolerant people everywhere and Canada is no exception... they are just very few, come from a multitude of backgrounds (including Shia!! - and some new Canadians who bring ethnic issues with them) but they are generally straightened out pretty quickly if they choose to act on their prejudices. I have lived on the west coast in Canada for nearly fifteen years and have always felt safe and accepted.
  10. Careful, King…. In addition to quelling hunger pains, lovingly prepared food is a soothing, emotionally restorative delight; it is comforting nourishment for the soul…. Every day, every week, every month, every year - you, and all your senses, come to expect and depend upon the fragrances of the kitchen and the colourful, aromatic, steaming dishes produced and beautifully presented - solely to please and comfort you. Hmmm…. Or is that the sole purpose??? This consistent and dependable devotion to you (and your stomach), from the chief cook and bottle washer, fosters your ever increasing dependence on her. And then...from your increasing dependency evolves her ever increasing control! The kitchen is the ultimately the central physical and emotional operational base of the home, and whoever leads that, leads all! Women’s greatest strength is that, despite ongoing proof to the contrary, they are continually underestimated.
  11. Sometimes when we are triggered by something someone says (in this case posters), it is because it hits close to home and we become irritated and anxious as it is scary. We want the "emotionally safer”, quick fix - AND, often, we want the no-opposition validation for that quick fix. Instead… Self-examine what comprises your discomfort. All you have identified is that you feel bad about your "image" and that this feeling is made worse when your husband glances at other women. Image problems are complex and long-standing and there are no simple one-size-fits-all measures that you can take to effectively address them. Not sure what your husband does or does not do in public, but first tackle issues that you have personal control over; that means start with yourself. We often need help to identify deep seated issues and then even more help to organize and prioritize how to address them. Find an experienced, trained therapist to help you with this even though it may feel uncomfortable and overwhelming at first. To want to end a marriage with a loving husband and a new baby says a lot about how confused and hurt you are. However, you have a responsibility not just to your own life but to their lives as well. So, it is important to put time and energy into being emotionally and mentally fit - so you can see things clearly enough to be able to make constructive decisions.
  12. No - I am assuming. I am sure if needed he could find one who agrees with his behaviour... which seems to be the MO in situations like this.
  13. He took a second wife who is Ahl al Kitab without permission of his first wife. He said the marriage was over but has not divorced his first wife so he would still need her permission.
  14. It has played out. It is over and she needs to move on to the next stage in her life, as he has in his. She appears to have accepted her wrong doing and is remorseful. No one is accountable for her behaviour but her.. She has acknowledged the lie and hoped for forgiveness. That has not happened and it is his right to not forgive. He has said that he does not accept her once he knew that she had lied to him. "Finally last year, he told me he could no longer continue with the marraige, and around the same time he went into mut'a with a lady, shes non-Muslim and he says she makes him extremely happy." I disagree that his behaviour is an effect of an action. It is not even a reaction to another action....it is simply someone looking for justification for zina. Therein lies the problem - there is no justification for zina. And trying to cloud the reality of his behaviour by merging (pseudo-sanitizing?) it with her behaviour (and somehow hold her accountable for HIS behaviour) does not work outside of his hedonistic, non-remorseful, little world.. The only person who is accountable for his behaviour is him. No one else. No one else will be held accountable either in this world or the next. Only him. In the meantime, the OP is still married to him and he still has obligations towards her - obligations he is not fulfilling. Given his statement above, he should let her go; he should divorce her. But instead, he has chosen to treat her with extreme disrespect and has pushed her into some kind of discard pile that he retrieves occasionally for his own needs. Lovely. Nothing about this man indicates strength of character. I don't understand the posts about reconciliation as he has shown no move towards reconciliation; he gives no evidence nor appearance of intention to try reconciliation; he has not tried to reach any kind of compromise, understanding, agreement, consensus, etc.. He has clearly stated that the marriage is over for him. What he has chosen to engage in has absolutely nothing to do with the OP... he has made it clear that she is no longer in the picture. He is just happy in his haram relationship that requires little responsibility or accountability or long term obligation. He has what is important to him. It has played out.
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