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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Everything posted by forte

  1. It is easy to sit in an armchair and judge a situation that we will never have to deal with, but people on some of these drugs are insanely strong and can be nearly impossible to stop. Even ramming his car into a tree and being hit by a car and being tased did not stop him. If that man had reached the policeman (whose backup was not quite there) he would have hurt or killed him with physical force or by grabbing his gun. Or he could have hurt anyone in the area, especially if he got the gun and was armed. I think the policeman tried his best with patience and waited till the last second. It is clear that he did not want to shoot him. Why is his being Black is an issue here? The policeman was also Black. The issue is that he was totally out of his mind on drugs and was a danger to anyone in the vicinity. He chose to take drugs and to drive a car in that messed up state - on a busy freeway. The outcome could have been far worse.
  2. No one in their right mind would have knowingly handled smallpox infected blankets. There was no basic concept of aseptic technique and the infected blankets would have wiped everyone out before they were able to distribute them. I don't know how this myth started but it persists even though there is no logical basis for it.
  3. Good point, I am glad you mentioned this. Yes, what you have stated is true if there is a will. In the west, in your will, you can leave everything to your cat if you want - and people have! However, if there is no will, the court determines inheritance base on closest family tie. A second wife would not be considered "family", but her children proven to be fathered by her husband would be in the running. I don't know about US laws, but in Canada, the husband's work accumulated pension, if he dies, will automatically go to the first wife and when she dies, the payments end. Even if the husband divorces his first wife, based on how many years he was married to her, half of his pension accumulated through those years will automatically go to her and not the second wife. The first wife can sign an affidavit stating that she relinquishes the right to half of his pension - which is occasionally done in divorce settlements, if for some reason it benefits her. In that case, the husband retains his full pension, but when he dies, it does not go to the second wife as he cannot will it to her. It ends. A responsible thing to do would be to set up some kind of insurance benefit for the second wife so that she is covered financially if he dies. The most important thing in all this is that you need to have a will addressing assets over which you have control. It is especially important to have a will if you have multiple wives that are dependent on you. I am sure wills and insurance policies are the last thing on the mind of a young couple, but maybe that is something that needs to be more formally addressed by those officiating at the the marriage or perhaps in pre-marriage guidance sessions.
  4. Polygamy is technically illegal but rarely prosecuted. Usually, the legal system gets involved when the wives are under-aged or if they have immigrated as a spouse (when the man already has a wife or wives), or there are social welfare payments applied for fraudulently, etc. There is even a show on TV about sister wives, so it is pretty much open as long as nothing else illegal is going on. The biggest legal downside to polygamy in the west is that the second marriage is considered null and void for legal purposes such as family inheritance, legal consent in cases of injury, etc. The husbands health insurance, pension payouts etc will only go to the legal (aka first) wife.
  5. No one knows how many wives, temp or permanent that this man actually has. If he is a keeper of secrets, then it is quite possible it does not end there. In this situation though, the best thing for you, the OP, to do is to strictly stick to issues to do directly with your own marriage and your own marriage only. Getting involved in another of his marriages is not helpful to anyone (including you) and most likely, quite harmful. Keep your nose in your own home and affairs, regardless of the "I am so helpless" pleas from your husband to get involved in his and his wife's affairs. You will absolutely live to regret your meddling (yes, meddling!).
  6. It is understandable that you would want to shield a person you obviously care a lot for (the father) from any discomfort or difficulty. It also seems easier, at this time, as you have so much to think about, to just let it slide and hope he does the right thing. However, this is not going away and secrets create more harm than good. This may sound harsh, but he has had several months to get it together and his action of choice is to run and whimper. And, you are unknowingly enabling it. You may have done the same in other situations over the years and not realized it. However, in three months this baby is going to be real and present and will be fully dependent on you to provide the best present and future for him or her. It is your (sole?) responsibility to provide for your baby in every possible way. Keeping a person a "secret" will eventually tell him or her that they are so shameful that they need to be hidden. They have lesser rights than others. It partially dehumanizes them. This is an extremely harmful legacy. And, in the end, it will not matter how you attempt to explain it. Also.... How long will this baby/child/teen/young adult be kept a secret and to what lengths are you expected to go through in the next 18- 20 years to protect this "secret"? What lies will you be expected to tell and what truths will you be expected to avoid? This can get very complicated and stressful and it is totally avoidable. You need to stop worrying about the discomfort of the father (it will not ruin his life; it will just be hard to face) and concern yourself with the long term emotional comfort and security of your baby. Secrets like this that are eventually revealed to the unsuspecting young person can be exceptionally damaging to the young person and to your relationship with them. It appears that the father has no intention of telling his parents; there will always be an excuse. And you know that. It is just hard to take that next step. However, it seems your mom is more prepared, so perhaps she could help you.
  7. This guy needs to be held accountable. Too many men get the "oh well" pass. That is why it is such a huge problem.
  8. It is not about the glowing heap of a coward. It is about the child, an innocent child. Children have rights; they are human; they have the right to be treated with respect and dignity. They should not be cast aside like an unwanted of some animal litter, with numerous apologists supporting the toss so as to not cause discomfort... If the father's family choose not to have anything to do with the child, that is on them and potentially a great loss. At least the mom tried, and she needs to try. Too many children in the west have few to no connections to families; they deserve better, a lot better. I work with kids who would have a lot easier road and much better chance at an optimistic future if they had just basic acceptance and love from their families. A sense of belonging is a basic need. When dads take off, too often there is a whole extended family cut out of a child's life - it is like losing a part of them - a valuable part. This extended family may be responsible and welcome a connection with their grandchild and look to the future, or they may embrace an intolerant backwoods culture and reject him or her out of hand. That child will become an adult and he or she will have a lot of questions for mom and perhaps will go looking for the family they never got to know. Mom will need to assure him that she realized that that was important and that she respected his rights and tried.
  9. If you remain child focused, it is clear what to do. You need to tell his parents. Your child deserves the opportunity to be connected to his or her grandparents and the grandparents deserve to know that they have a grandchild and they deserve the opportunity to be part of the child's life. At this point, you are the only one that can make that happen, or not happen. The grandparent/grandchild relationship should not be contingent on the decision of the father, who has made it clear that he is more concerned about his own issues than the needs of the baby. Always do what is in the best interest of the baby, every other consideration is very much secondary.
  10. There are physiotherapists that specialize pelvic floor dysfunction. They can pinpoint and address the exact area using various biofeedback techniques. Just look up pelvic floor physiotherapists in your area. See the information here: http://pelvichealthsolutions.ca/for-the-patient/ Totally natural solution - no wine, no drugs, no directionless self attempts.
  11. This is a common issue. Redirect your mothers comments about why you need to be with her, to when you are planning on coming. So you could thank her for her concern around whatever it is that she comes up with as a problem that would be solved if you lived there. And then, to shorten the calls with her over unending pressure, validate what she says (in other words, that you hear her so she won't repeat endlessly) and say I have to go, but we can talk further when I see you on Wednesday evening (for example). Always end with the note where and when you will see her next. It changes the focus of the convo to what you are going to be doing not what you are not doing. She is left with the concrete anticipation of when she will see you next which is very powerful and calming. It takes a little perseverance on your part, at first, but allows you to fully, but gently, take control of the situation.
  12. Talk to your husband about adoption. Find out what his anxieties he has about adoption and then find resources in your community to allay those fears. If you make it really clear that is what you want to do, he will most likely go along with it. I cant believe that he would agree for you to divorce him rather than to adopt a child. If he does have a problem with exploring this option, then that would be closer to a reason to divorce. He needs to acknowledge that he is to be part of the solution to his infertility. And if the OP were a man, we would all be telling him to get another wife, either a replacement or an addition, and that his wife would have to learn how to deal with it. So her comments that women do not have the options that a man has are valid.
  13. You are most welcome! My apologies, perhaps I was not very clear as I wrote that very fast while working. The strategies outlined in the book are to deal with symptoms of BPD or other disorders or issues that demonstrate similar presentations. That would include a number of disorders including, as you mentioned, PTSD, as well as destructive mood disorder swings, etc. They are kind, caring, and easy to implement. These strategies are taught to family members who live with those who have mental health challenges. They address the behaviours that significantly impact family members. When one person in a family is afflicted, everyone is adversely affected. Relationships suffer, communication can be non existent and abusive, controlling behaviours emerge out of desperation. The Walking on Eggshells book explains the individual behaviours and how to address them in clear easy to read terms. In Canada, this is one publication that is frequently recommended to family members by community mental health teams because it is easy to implement. The information given helps to establish a healthier dynamic in the family, one from which the OP could greatly benefit.
  14. OP's living situation: "Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel as though you are constantly trying to avoid confrontation?" The quote on the first line above is some of what it is like to live with someone who demonstrates Borderline Personalty attributes (there are a few different 'flavours'). The more you give in, the more challenging their behaviour gets as you are emotionally bled dry and your own basic functioning becomes a sought after dream. That is, their behaviours become increasingly controlling to the point where you doubt your own sanity and often develop your own acquired disorders. The person with BPD just spirals out of control and the person living with them who tries to "calm" them just gets sucked into their vortex. Not helpful for either party. Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B004DNXGFQ/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 An oldie but a goodie. This is an easy to read, very straight forward lay person's book to and will really help with people who have to live with people who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and those who haven't been diagnosed but definitely could pass the smell test (talking about mom here) or partially share some of the symptoms. It gives you guidance as to what to do. That is, how to view your situation, how to react to it and sometimes even what scripts to say if needed. And it works. It gives you the confidence and emotional "permission" to react to these controlling and attention seeking behaviours in a way that is most healthy for yourself and for your loved one. You can flip through the book and find the situation you are experiencing and it gives step by step guidance. And no, I am not getting royalties!
  15. The driver was Alek Minassian from Richmond Hill. https://everipedia.org/wiki/alek-minassian/
  16. The mom could possibly be upset that the girl is leaving as she is her stress release. Who knows why she is upset and behaving in a way that sounds like a kind of BPD but it is not for someone who is struggling so much internally to have to deal with. Making nice does not usually improve the situation. The girl needs to gain control of her life and her reactions to life and relinquishing control to an unstable person is not the way to go. She has to gain some strength and be able to separate herself from someone else's crazy making. You are assuming the mom is just a little out of sorts. Starving her child and potentially causing her harm is way out of that ballpark. My immediate thought was that the mom is going to manipulate her into staying. The girl needs to take control of her life, and she needs to do it now. She needs to recognize her mothers behaviour for what it is, understand that she is NOT responsible for it and view things in a much healthier environment. When she is with her mother she has to create that environment for herself. i think I echo a few posters in that we tend to minimize oft heard phrases that are passed around for fun. However, OCD is a serious disorder.
  17. Really disagree here. This is not about mom. Walking on eggshells around someone like that (Mom) to try and curb their behaviours toward you is not usually effective; in fact, it often encourages the very behaviour you want extinguished. And, it is a big enough job to try to develop individual strategies to cope with OCD. At this time, Mom is a clear bonafide part of these OCD cycles, given, at the very least, her reaction to the OP and then the OP's consequent reaction to her mom. To encourage (which is what "make her life easier" does) Mom's dysfunctional part of the OCD cycle can self defeat the OP's efforts to reduce the impact of this disorder on her own life. Also, Mom threatening and refusing food is pathologically controlling. Absolutely no need to soft peddle that. Keep it real. It is best for the OP to recognize and acknowledge Mom's behaviour for what it is as it relates to her (the OP), and then compartmentalize it. The OP then needs to try and separate from Mom's behaviours (not engage them) and take care of her own symptoms (without this toxic punitive baggage) into the future.
  18. I was not trying to call you racist as I said the commentary was stereotypical. You referred to race not culture. I was trying to help you understand. There are definitely countries that you should be careful in travelling. It is usually based in politics though or the color of your passport not the color of your skin.
  19. You make an unnecessary negative stereotype of a race. I tried to show you how it was negative (racist) by giving a different racial stereotype. Hence the dark skinned people being associated with crime etc. It was an example of a negative racial stereotype to help you understand. You actually just repeated in this post the same stereotypical assumption that if you are dark, the pale people will not warm and welcome you because they are pale which is an assumption and negative stereotype. Negative stereotypes based on race are racist.
  20. It is akin to saying "For darker skinned people though, it is a very safe and crime free country." A negative generalization about a race is racism.
  21. She is planning on suing the hospital and I think she has a very good case. The man had just been discharged (he was known to the hospital) and had been harassing and accosting other patients and people in the hallways (demonstrated mental state) and security had called the police (so security was aware). He should not have been around other people, but kept isolated with security until they came. Everyone was put at risk. Don't think the ethnic attack route would go very far as he was harassing anyone around him. The hospital liability route is pretty clear cut - it definitely appears that the hospital was negligent.
  22. Good reminder. OP - I agree with the above underlined statement. It is important to find out who would be there for you if needed. Of people you know, find out who are trustworthy and who will actually be there for you. If you don't have anyone, look around in your work place or casual relationships to develop potential friendships. This is always a good idea, but if you do not have family nearby, this is a must.
  23. This is currently not a good marriage and it does not seem to be headed for a bright future. Focusing on whether he has other wives or is allowed to have wives, etc, is not addressing what is really going on here. It is just a distraction. You are not being treated as a wife. You are being disrespected and hurt and told that your unhappiness is not worthy of addressing (biggest red flag). You are emotionally and verbally abused, his parents don't like you and it seems your husband doesn't either. Your husband does not appear to be concerned about the deterioration of your marriage. He is actively avoiding addressing these issues. Marriages are not one sided. Apparently, as he has a life that meets his needs outside of his marriage to you, he is fine and has no incentive to change things. However, it is his responsibility to care for your well being, and he is not. What are the positives in your marriage? Are your needs being met in any way? Can you focus on the strengths of your marriage to help you through this situation? You say you are working. Keep and save your salary. It is your right and he cannot deny you this. Could you be self supporting if needed? Is your family supportive? Do they know of the situation? It is important to recognize that you have options. It lessens the fear of assertively addressing the issues with him. Let him know that you will not be ignored.
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