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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Rashida last won the day on December 19 2013

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  1. I am so sorry to hear of what you have had to go through. When you are in such a desperate situation and have no money for rent and food for you and your children, you need to find out what is going on and why you are suffering, and that would definitely include snooping if that will help you figure what to do. It gives you more information and direction to know how to make the best out of the difficulties he left you. You would have no reason to respect him or anything associated with him. If I found myself in that situation I would go full blast forensic audit of both finances and communications. You and your children deserved so much better.
  2. This is why one does not assume, ever. Even with the caveat of "please correct me if I am wrong" - after issuing a statement not based on a reliable source or in this case, no source at all. When one assumes, it is easy to go that one step further and say "she should not have lied". The assumption has now become a "fact" - based on nothing reliable. That is why we need to avoid stating assumptions and that is what I have addressed in my other post. This is very common and very wrong. This is how rumours and malicious gossip starts which can become quite destructive and damage someones life. Don't play a part in this. We need to own up to our missteps and not try and divert and minimize. We all stumble on our way but ultimately we need to be an example of searching for the higher road.
  3. A woman is not required to give details of her past. If she did not lie, she did not sin. The OP did not say she lied. And you are right, we don't know the details so it is especially important not to embellish and then it is even worse to take that even one step further and make judgements based on this created information and state it as fact, as in, "she should not have lied".
  4. Because of his own past, he is in no position to judge her. The OP does not say that she lied about her past. He says that he did not know about it. Big difference. In any case he is using his judgement of her as a tool for personal gain and to let go of his responsibilities. He is not in the right. He has drained what he can from her family and wants to move on to new opportunities. Would be interesting to see what is potentially being offered by the family of the new woman. Think we can at least guess that she is not coming empty handed. So much talk about women seeking money through men but this of men seeking wealth and opportunity through women's families is much more common than people acknowledge.
  5. I agree that you need to think rationally and not emotionally. I don't think confronting him will be of any value other than being able to feel good for five minutes when you get to say: "Caught you".. He will most likely deny it, or even if you have definite proof he was there, he will give some reason that makes no sense, and probably, he will blame you (doesn't matter for what he blames you as it will make no sense). Getting angry seems to be his way to sideline and to deflect so I am sure that trying to start a fight with you would be his first line of defence. So, I really don't think you will get anything of real value from confronting him, especially over the phone. I would bide my time and be very patient. Wait it out to give yourself some time to stand back and assess the situation and make plans if needed. Record what he does and how he behaves. It will be just more of the same but this time you have a record. Don't question him or get into an argument or give him any reason to go off on you. When you have a written record and can think clearly and objectively, you will be able to accurately determine your current situation, what you want to have in the future and how you are going to get there. You seem pretty together and capable. When the emotional shock wears off, you will be really surprised with how much clarity, strength and determination that you have to be able to do what is in your best interest.
  6. Probably familiarity. People always have some level of uncertainty of the unknown. Uncertainty gives a less feeling of security.
  7. Most of the time people are attracted to people who ethnically look similar to themselves.
  8. Emotional abuse can be a lot more impactful than physical abuse and can disrupt your pregnancy just as much. Intense stress can cause premature labour. You can also have a significant physical injury that is not shown on film. What you do to protect yourself and your family needs to be based on your individual circumstance and need. Avoid suspicion? If the community is not able to protect you to the point that you have to cower to abusers - and malicious gossip is abusive, you need to take steps to protect yourself and your unborn child. These ideas of ducking and hiding to vicious gossips need to stop. People have been so bullied and abused by gossip - that is probably why backbiting is a sin. Why would we facilitate and give legitimacy to their practice. It needs to stop.
  9. Your guide should be to do what is best for yourself and your family. You can’t allow yourself to be imprisoned by gossips. Cowering to avoid gossips just gives them power over you. Gossips are not making good decisions for themselves just by the fact that they choose to gossip, so why would you let them have any control about your decisions over yourself.
  10. I was being blatant and clear. It is not an excuse. That is reality, not my personal opinion but reality. She has to deal with reality regardless of how filthy and perverted that it sounds. She needs to base her actions on what is permissible. We do not know the status of these women. We can’t assume as we do not know them.They could be single, divorced or widowed and it is possible that he entered into a temporary relationship with them. We don't know. And unless she knows them personally, she does not know either. I was clear that he had those rights to do as he pleases and add relationships, if if they were halal. Just because something is halal does not make it the right thing to do. But it is permissible if it is halal. It is horrible to put the woman who cares for him and is having his children into his careless and selfish Peter Pan life and then to be dishonest about it. It is disgusting to know that he has so little respect for himself and for his marriage. BUT The bottom line is that he has a lot of Islamic permissible avenues for him to follow that are totally halal. When you are a woman in a situation like this, and I hope that you never are, you are forced to deal with reality.. not what you think it should be, could be, would be... and then you need to base your actions on what your real options are. I asked for her to make sure she stays within the bounds of Islam (did not specify it like that but mentioned it - like not spying on him) so that she has a firm clear foundation to exercise her rights. Most women feel powerless when they are treated like this. She needs to feel strong and confident and secure that she is capable of creating a life for herself and her children. Women have rights and they need to exercise them - that is my message and I was trying to be loud and clear. She has been treated badly but she does not have to remain a victim. I did not suggest an action plan but did emphasize that she is strong and capable to make her own decision when she is strong enough, to fully believe in herself, and not to fall into traps like chasing him around and trying to figure out what he is up to and allowing her life to be chaotic and erratic and held ransom by his behaviour.
  11. Wanted to clarify to what I wrote before. What I meant was that it is a hard situation and you are very hurt and will probably continue to be hurt. But you have to not be emotionally crippled. Don't let his actions make you unable to be strong. Good part is dealing with actual reality is better than making your life decisions based on a false reality. You need to get through the pregnancy with no problems. That is why I said stay calm and control what you can. He has long contemplated before he acted as he easily continued after you found out. You cannot trust him. Don't fool yourself, wanting with all your heart to trust someone does not make them change. He needs to want to change. But why would he? He has it all and he probably sees you as fully dependent on him with no options. Threatening to leave him will just make him bury it deeper and tell more lies. Lies will get more and more complicated. You will never really know where he is, what he is doing or who he is talking to. Why put yourself through that? Put yourself in control, don't let his lies drive you crazy. You need to stay sane. You need to have a life that is not dependent on his whims and indiscretions whether they are halal or not. Good part is you can do that. I am not saying to accept this in any way. I am not. I am saying that you need to withdraw and not be open to hurt because that will drain you. Good part is you have family who will not blame you and access to money which is much more than many women in this situation. Think this through as to what you are willing to accept or not accept. It sounds like you are physically safe and cared for so you can have your baby safely. Take care of yourself first or you will not be strong for your children. Establish your place in the marriage. Save your money. Let your family know about what is going on ONLY when you are firm in your decisions as to what you are going to do, so you are not batted around like a ball by everyone else’s blame game moves (as mentioned in a post), when they find out. For counselling to work he would have to be repentant and wanting very much to change or it is totally useless and creates false hope for you. Does he want to change or does he just not want to get caught? Unless you can view him from a different angle, you will not be able to determine that. Having a marriage and two babies is a vulnerable positions but mama bear strength can make us do a lot of things that we did not think we could do. You seem thoughtful and reflective and you need to trust that what you decide is the best you can do and then do it with confidence. Have faith in yourself, you will make the best out of this situation.
  12. ws. Some advices! This is not a good situation but you can make it a little better. Let go of emotions and drama. Stay off his cell phone, facebook and passwords as that is invading his privacy. It will only lead to confrontation that will be destructive. Don't do anything destructive. His relationship(s) may be halal. He has a housewife with extras who pays bills and gets him his green card. He is just adding to his success with willing women. He has the right to do as he pleases with women, as long as it is halal. But you have rights too. Women are often encouraged to disregard their rights and to not use them.. That is wrong. You do have rights and you do need to use them. Like, right now would be a good time. Don't strain yourself during your pregnancy. Household chores are not required. Strictly, you are not required to feed or clean up after anyone but yourself. Save your money or use it to help yourself. You are not required to pay household bills. Ensure your son's emotional well being. Stay close to him and make sure he knows that he is very loved and protected. Your son will know that he is always secure with you. Make yourself comfortable and calm. Draw back so you won’t be so hurt. Protect yourself. You have to be in good shape to give birth and to then to take care of your children. Think logically, sensibly and have goals. Plan steps on how to make them happen. Don't be impatient. It may take years. But planning dreams helps when you feel so low. Your life is not over! Perhaps could be just beginning..... Your husband has accidentally revealed his life to you, twice. But you don't need to reveal your life goals and dreams to him. It is better to avoid his anger and turmoil. Quietly live your life and let him live his. You did nothing wrong. Only your husband can decide if your children have two parents. You are committed to be a good parent and hopefully he is too. You can't control him so be prepared for all outcomes. This is not a silly thought. He has been dishonest to you so you cannot trust him. Accept that or you will be hurt again. You need to be aware and functional, not weeping. You are not alone. We all need to be extra strong at times. We never know what life has for us around the corner.
  13. Maybe the idea of a justifiable reason is to be subjective as there are many reasons why a woman would need to say no. There could never be a finite list. If there was, everything that was not listed could be viewed as acceptable. A legitimate reason for saying no could be fear that her husband is angry and out of control and will most likely hurt her or that he is presently hurting her as in forcing himself on her. That would be justifiable. A woman does not need to remain where she is being treated unjustly and being injured. A completely different legitimate reason might be that he has an active or not treated STD for example and she fears for her health or even perhaps her unborn child's health. There are more reasons to say no other than the stated ones of sick and having menses. Why this has to be seen as such a “complicated” issue is ridiculous. You don't cause harm to your wife.
  14. Yes, this is so. This proven with the umbrella (which means to shade). The umbrella was invented more than 4,000 years ago and was used to shade the upper class from the sun and skin darkening and like you say to avoid the look of low caste workers in the sun. There is evidence of umbrellas in the ancient art of Egypt, Assyria, Greece, and China. The umbrella was only used to protect from rain in the last few hundred years by European.
  15. LOL. I am not reading a book lool. I thought you might know as you were quoting him.
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