Salam,
Im a teenager and i want to clear my thoughts on self loathing. To be honest i have been doing this since my childhood, i dont remeber a single momment where i took a decision or act in a certain way because i felt it was right rather id see what others were doing and followed them since i felt they were always right. I suffer making friends so im quite lonely most of the time. The so called frnds that i did make made me feel gorrible about myself and i blindly took their criticism, it came that i also copied them whether its their clothes, words, actions etc and ever since i moved for studies, im missing my familly terribly, i dont know what to do and i hate this place alot, theres no deen, no frnds, just ppl gossiping about each other, i dont even feel like it Ramadan, to top it i have exams to T_T. Everyday i regret everything i did said or acted. I feel constantly insecure when im around others. Not to mention the negative talking thats been a habit for some time. I rlly ignored this but because of this i faced alot of problems in my social life. I dont trust myself and feel like im being looked down on. No1 really likes me and i feel that im just forcing them to stay to which i started people pleasing and the results were really bad i dont even want to remember it. People around me just frown and go away and the ppl i deeply care for just dont care except for my parents tho, but now theyre far away. Since the past year it increased even more, not a day passes by that i dont have all these thought running through my head. All of this is rlly effecting my studies and i cant bear the consequences, i have make my parents proud of me, i cant disappoint them.
Sooo what do i do? Is it just part of life? I fear that if i do self love then that would develop ego. I feel stupid that i have Allah to pray to but still im struggling. I cant talk to my parents about this, theyll worry.
Thank you
May Allah guide me