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In the Name of God بسم الله

ummulbaneen

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ummulbaneen last won the day on January 7

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  1. There can be no temporary solutions to any permanent problem. I do not know of any pre permanent marriage mutah situations personally, but post marital mutahs are quite common in many shia circles, though often with disastrous results on the permanent marriages they are in, the most common of which is emotional divorce.
  2. Well, I don't know if its just the men who are incapable. Perhaps the women are too. Perhaps our entire social system, family structures, standards of living, educational systems do not allow people to be structured to handle polygamous marriages. I do not know of any polygamous situations that did not cause/lead to major heartbreak/pain/betrayal and more often than not- divorce or breakdown of the family, but I DO know of some polygamous situations that were handled with decorum and had a lower level of damage on the relationships. In one, the man in question had notified the first wife early in their marriage that at some point he would marry a second wife, and did it after having 7 daughters with the first wife. For some reason, he also found it wise to ask the second wife to be completely obedient and subservient to the first wife, so after a few rough months, they settled into relatively peaceful, happy families. Also important to note, he did not "cheat" on the wife, but notified her the time he had said he would marry had come, and asked a female relative to identify a decent woman from among their wider circle and proposed in the formal ways. So their polygamy never went through the secret dates, secret phone calls & chats, secret times away from home or other haram activities that most polygamous marriages start with.
  3. Not going to comment on the afghani situation in Iran. Globally though, I think there needs to be a different perception of refugees. Start to see them as an opportunity, rather than a challenge/threat. A threat triggers the wish to eliminate or conquer it/mitigate its damage. An opportunity is welcomed and grown to bring out the best possible potential.
  4. I have seen similar ostracization within shia circles too even for non-reverts. For example, a former sunni gets ostracized by their sunni community, while never included in the shia community. This is a major reason a lot of formerly sunni shias end up having more interaction with sunnis than their fellow shias, and quite often their kids end up marrying back in the sunni community even if they would have personally preferred to intermarry with shias. and ofcourse, Racism. The disease our ummah just seems hell bent on retaining.
  5. That strange feeling you get when you realise you no longer qualify for a lot of "youth" programs. Shoutout to all the older young at heart people I met as a child and would call uncle/aunty.
  6. One should never take for granted a decent upbringing.
  7. Peace be upon the truly sincere and humble servants of Allah, who do everything purely for HIS sake and to please HIM.
  8. The age at which she is mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually able (and has the social structures in place) to handle the responsibilities and duties of a marriage and a person of similar ability is available. Having a social structure in place is important especially for people marrying when very young, or very held up by work/studies.
  9. ألم تعلموا أنَّ ابْنَنا لا مُكذَّبٌ لَدَينا ولا يُعْنى َ بقَوْلِ الأباطلِ
  10. True. You see a similar mind game in Iran with the hijab laws for all on one hand, and at the same time the regular broadcasts of women in "questionable" levels of hijab taking part in sports and other activities publicly or on national/state TV and this getting praised as signs of progress. The presidency of Sheikh Khatami brought (what i think is) an irreversible thirst for all these displays of "culture" and "progress" in Iran.
  11. I am sorry you are having to go through this. It is devastating to have to choose between remaining in a broken home so the world does not know about it, or leaving and letting the world know it is broken. A broken home has its repercussions, but which of these two broken scenarios is better, only you can judge. If you have chosen to stay for the sake of your children and giving them a semblance of normalcy and a stable home, then you will need to make one more sacrifice and swallow your pride/ego/pain/hurt/sense of betrayal (all justified from what you say), and actually give them normalcy and stability. Not speaking to each other while living together like strangers may be more harmful and less stable for your children than actually walking out amicably and choosing to co-parent amicably (I do not know if you or him are capable or ready to have an amicable parting or if your circumstances would allow it). Also, there is no shame or harm in choosing to stay in what others may perceive as a "toxic" marriage but there will be harm to your children if you choose to stay and are unable to increase your patience to a level where you actually achieve what you intended to by staying in the marriage: give your children normalcy. This should come with the acceptance of the fact that a cheater is likely to remain a cheater (even if he is doing it with a "halal" stamp - as you say, fact remains these mutahs likely start with the sneaky conversations before getting the halal stamp pre jumping into bed together). You may also choose to liberate yourself from what you perceive as a harmful marriage, but you should seriously weigh the pros and cons for you and your children (on a separate column each) as well as the joint pros and cons. A client recently came to me seeking a divorce from her husband of close to 22 years, they have 5 children and a grandchild together. He has been engaging in "halal" cheating and eventually married the woman as a second wife. After listening to her, I advised her against taking the divorce, as a lot would be at stake for her and her children, and viewed from a purely contractual perspective, the pros of staying far outweighed the cons. One, she would likely lose the financial stability she currently enjoys (not luxuries), she is not looking to remarry and is not educated or able to support herself in any way. She says he is kind to the children and loves them, but she does not know if he would continue to give them equal attention and care if she moved out with them. As for the hurt and pain she felt in her heart, after some discussion we came to the conclusion that she was likely to feel it even after going through a divorce at this age. So she chose to stay in her currently painful marriage, be patient and try to provide her children with a happy, peaceful home. In my case, I chose to walk out for the sake of the children and giving them a chance at experiencing a peaceful loving, safe home. It has had its social inconveniences like getting unwanted proposals etc. Do not underestimate the power of marriage counselling. If he is open to it, I would highly recommend it. I know it has worked for a lot of couples who seemed locked up in a toxic relationship. In my case, the other party was not willing to consider it so it was never an option.
  12. If it brought you closer to Allah, it was a blessing, even if it caused you pain. If it took you away from Allah, it was a calamity, even if it brought you pleasure. This is how you determine if something is a blessing or a calamity in your life. (Anonymous). Alhamdulillah
  13. Depending on ones definition of "love", it may "fade" over time for some couples. A lot of us have been brainwashed by the media to assume the chemical heady rush of newly wedded bliss is love, and the natural getting used to being around each other and being less giddy about it is considered "losing interest". However, my understanding is that couples who marry and truly understand love can only grow more in love over time, as their common interests, knowledge, goals, or areas of commonality grow, not forgetting even their physical relationship which should improve over time and not, as the western media often makes us believe, grow boring or common after a while. Couples can fall out of love if one or both specifically choose to focus out of the areas of their common interests and pursue separate interests (including thoughts) to the exclusion of their spouse. One example I have often heard and believe to be true is that spouses who do not encourage and feel happy about the growth/improvement of their spouse do not see a future with them. If one sees a future/forever with a person, they work towards the growth of that person, including helping them get over their moodiness, unhappiness, body issues and health etc. One should pray that they do not ever fall in love with someone who hears their complains about things which have made them sad/unhappy as nagging. Essentially, love demands that when one person is "nagging" they are communicating a displeasure about something, but only love can perceive this. Lust/self interests etc can see this as nagging and "intruding on our personal peace" and thus the reaction will be very different. The examples you mentioned: kids, family issues, disagreements, life problems, different interests should be areas of "common growth" so parties need to remind themselves this, and not attach them as a problem of one party. If they are unable to do this on their own, they should seek professional help to help them see these things in that context e.g through marriage counseling. Growth is not just promotions at work, additional qualifications, degrees, a fatter bank balance etc, growth is also learning together how to cope with a moody child, learning from mistakes in how to handle/raise children, adjust your relationship and actively and proactively cushion it so that "family issues" do not impact it negatively etc.
  14. I know of someone who started memorizing the Qur'an in his seventies and achieved it in his late 80's early 90's.
  15. Depends on the nature of a man. Some feel flattered by the attention. Some find it desperate. Insulting, I don't think so. I do know of a case of a man who entered a second marriage with a woman who asked him after some amount of online flirting between them.
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