Mr PeaceBasic Members
Posts posted by Mr Peace
4 hours ago, Love4the14 said:
With all due respect I completely disagree about putting talks off for another two months . We initiated the process before moharram and all parties agreed it was fine to continue getting to know one another. Perhaps you are speaking from a cultural perspective, because I don’t feel I am disrespecting Imam Hussain. And from a shariah perspective there’s nothing wrong with taking to a prospective spouse during these months. You can check that with an alim if you don’t believe me. How about people who speak for several months to a year before deciding? You think they didn’t talk during moharram?
let’s add in the fact that I am almost 40 and every month or two that I put off the marriage process, is a delay for me to potentially have children. If I had the luxury of being in my 20s then sure I’d have all the time in the world.
With respect to your personal situation, you should contact a religious scholar to get a qualified opinion, instead of opinions from a forum.
I think regarding the concerns you have with your sibling, it is something out of your control.
It's better not to argue about this, as you've mentioned this is one of the main causes of affecting the family environment negatively.
Considering the health of your mother, you made the right call to come back home.
I would say just be there for your parents and siblings as much as you can, and try to let go of the frustration you have against the transgender sibling.
You should try to remind yourself that each person is liable to answer for their own actions to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), this mindset will help you to let go of what is outside of your control.
As for your relationship with your father, it is understandable for both of you to have differing views on life, but you just have to respect that your father is his own person and as long as he has not wronged you or caused you harm, then it would be better to let go of the frustration you might feel towards him.
One thing we can learn from parents is that they are human, and therefore not perfect, they can make mistakes just like us.
They won't be around for long so as their child, you should care for them while you can, so you don't have regrets later in life.
You should stay with your family.
4 hours ago, Love4the14 said:
Everything you said makes sense. The problem is that the discussions started right before moharram and there wasn’t time to plan a meeting as we live in different states. And we wouldn’t meet for the first time during moharram or safar obviously. So now all we have is phone conversation for the next two months which is fine for me provided it stays halal. He already spoke to my parents so I know he’s serious and I have no problem being abrupt with him about not doing video calls lol. I know Syed Asad Jafri had told me once that video should be avoided before nikah —but I didn’t know if any other scholars had weighed in.
Patience is key right now... I don't think it's a good idea to talk with a potential partner for marriage during Muharram. These are days of mourning for Imam Hussain ((عليه السلام)) and his beloved family, for their sacrifice. I would say put things on hold for now and continue to speak when it is possible to see each other in the company of Mahram. I presume when you say he spoke to your parents that this was over the phone, which is a step in the right direction. However, actions speak louder than words, so keep your guard up, and be open minded to any possible outcomes.3 hours ago, slavelight said:
Be careful sister, things can go south very quickly even with the most pious people.
meeting 1 on 1 or 1 on 1 video call is not the best option available. I am sure there are better options available, perhaps you can discuss this with your family.
I would have to second the advice above, anyone can fall victim to their desires.
It would be better to have a mahram involved in the conversations as you've mentioned the calls / videos are just the two of you, which will increase the likelihood of sinning, especially if both of you like the physical appearance of the other.
If you do want to get to know the person, you should involve your families and get them to meet up regularly where the two of you can then discuss with the intentions of marriage.
You will need to set the boundaries, i.e. to tell your prospective spouse that communication can resume once you have a suitable environment, where it isn't just the two of you alone, before marriage.
I know this is a very abrupt way of handling things, especially as you've spent time getting to know each other, but this will save you a lot of unnecessary heartache later and will also prove to you if his interest in marriage is serious and not just a worded promise.
May Allah bring you both together, the right way insha'Allah, with a prosperous future. Ameen.
Know that Allah will only put you through hardship in life that you can handle; it's a test - after these hardships you will find ease.
Respect and cherish your parents; but there are certain lines to be drawn:
- The physical abuse you have described is unacceptable and this should never be tolerated.
- Forced marriage to your cousin is unacceptable, you are within your right to refuse.
- Your parents should not force a certain career path on you, as you have a right to decide what you want to become.
Communication is key; most relationships breakdown because people either don't talk to each other or they talk to respond rather than to listen, which results in arguments and abuse. Listening means to understand and empathise before responding. You need to show this to your parents in practice, to win their trust and they will reciprocate in turn, so you can then express yourself and show your parents that you have your own aspirations in life, and you can then go on to explain why it's okay for these to differ from what they have planned out for you.
Life is short and you should do what makes you happy. So pursue education that you are passionate about - If you want to go into law then go to law school no matter what. Try to get your parents to help with costs, and if they won't then see if there is any government support, scholarships or student loans - I am sure there will be a way for you, just don't lose hope! It's never too late to make a change. The fact that you have worked tirelessly to pay the fees, shows how dedicated you are, and insha'Allah your efforts will pay off!
You need to have a sit down with your parents to express how you feel regarding marriage, career aspirations, feelings of unfair treatment and abuse...but as I mentioned above about communication, listen first and try to show your parents that you understand their perspective, before going on to express your point of view and try to persuade your parents to get their blessing beforehand.
It's unfair to not be treated as nicely as others in the family. Try to change your mindset to understanding that you can only control your own life and block out any negative thoughts that make you feel upset or undervalued.
It's very easy to let your personal problems boil over into your actions in the outside world, especially when you feel no one understands you at home. I must stress how important it is to stay focused and not let your emotions get the better of you in these situations. Know that things will get better in time, so try to avoid doing anything that you know will ultimately cause you or your family harm in the future.
No matter how hard things get, please know that there are people here to support, even if it is just to offer words of encouragement and understanding.
May Allah grant you ease to your difficulties, Insha'Allah. Ameen.
On 8/6/2021 at 10:16 PM, Guest Cute12 said:
And as for my husband he doesn't support me and when I tell him all this the only thing he will do is listen and that's it nor reaction or any action being taken about it.
As a husband, he is responsible for supporting you. He should manage the family dynamics to ensure he keeps you happy, as well as his parents and siblings.
As it has been 4 years now, you should give an ultimatum to your husband regarding his lack of action, and to mention that you won't put up with the treatment you've been receiving for much longer. You should mention to your husband that if he wants you stay with his family, then at the very least, he should manage the environment to ensure there is respect and good family values.
If he doesn't do anything, you should consider taking a step back from the relationship and moving back in with your own parents for a while.
If nothing changes after some time away, then it might be time to reconsider your marriage.
Marriage is about equal compromise, not one person bearing all the weight and burden to make the other happy.12 hours ago, Guest Cute12 said:
But my husband wants to live with his parents but his parents or his sister do not respect me and I don't have peace in the house
If everyone is to live under the same roof in harmony, then he has to take control of the situation so whenever someone is at fault within the family, he should tell them to fix up.
I hope you find peace and happiness insha'Allah.
There are many toxic people that cannot see others being happy in this world; they will go out of their way to make you feel miserable.
This is a sad reality of life!
Nothing you do can rectify the situation in the eyes of someone who is envious of you.
The best thing you can do is forgive, forget and move on.
If people want to believe lies about you from a jealous person it means they were never really your people.
Prioritise your close family relationships and keep a respectable distance from everyone else.
In a case where you have to be around a toxic person, keep yourself busy so you don't have to engage with the person.
You will need to develop thick skin to block out the negativity around you.
It's not easy to ignore but for your own sanity try not to get caught up in the negative energy from others.
Negative / toxic people are really good at planting seeds of doubt and frustration in your mind if you let them.
I would highly recommend to keep your happiness within your marriage and family life as private as you can, to stay safe from the evil eye / nazar / jealousy of others.
I think jealousy is a byproduct of insecurity, especially amongst people who compare their lives to others, without counting their own blessings.
Put Sadaqah daily for the protection of you and your family Insha'Allah.
14 hours ago, Guest Almuslimah said:
Where I live nurses need to have working uniform with short sleeves and trousers.
Walaikumasalaam, sister is this based what you've seen or have you contacted the place directly to confirm this? I would suggest contacting your local hospitals, GPs, medical practice etc. where you would wish to work in the future and speak with someone in HR to find out exactly what the dress code is, and ask whether there would be some leniency regarding religious beliefs, explaining the covering of arms.
I am sure there will be a way to work around this. Worst case is a place might say no, but make sure you've asked the question to all possible places, as they might be lenient for your particular situation. If it's your aspiration to be a nurse I am sure you will find a way inshaAllah. As they say, "Where there's a will, there's a way!"
All the best!
On 7/24/2021 at 5:50 PM, Guest Fatema said:
I am over 30, and still not married. Over the time, my friends have their family life and very little time for me.
I've pray very hard to get confort from Allah. But I've gone thought a lot these past years and today i feel very lonely and lost.
I am very sad about my situation, i don't really have family around me beside my mum. I cry a lot during days and nights and i have insomnia issues. I feel like my life is worthless.
I ve pray a lot lately but i didn't find peace of mind
If some of you have advise or are struggling like me , please share... Thanks a lot
I am in a similar situation. Put your trust in Allah, and know that He is the best of planners. Thinking about your friends and their lives will only bring you more sadness. There is always purpose to our lives. Sometimes we are so caught up with one aspect of life, such as marriage, that we forget there are so many other purposes in our lives.
Marriage, whilst encouraged and desirable, is not the be all and end all focus, we are sort of programmed to think this way because of the pressures placed on us within our families / communities to get married quickly. Whilst these pressures can be annoying, just know your time will come. People will always have something to say, don't let it bother you. Be mentally strong and keep your focus on how you can better prepare yourself for your future, by being the best version of yourself you can be.
Patience and Tawakkul are key for you right now! Don't lose hope, just as I haven't either.
Those who are patient are well rewarded.
I hope Allah gives you Sabr in your difficulties and makes things easier for you, Ameen.
Know that Allah will only put people through the difficulties they can take.
A lot of people are struggling in this world.
You just have to keep going, that is the journey of life.
As long as you have time in this world, you will have something worth living for, don't give up and don't give in.
When you feel down, think about how many people in this world are less fortunate than you, it will make you realise you have a lot of blessings to be grateful for.
Most importantly, communicate with others. Share your problems with others; talking and letting your thoughts out will relieve you of your mental suffering.
Sister, it would be better to hold off moving until after Muharram.
As long as you, your husband and daughter have a safe place to live with parents, this is all that matters for the time being.
Moving can be very difficult and stressful; you will find even more things that need to be done after moving which will require a lot of time and effort.
Your current situation requires patience and compromise. Where you have struggled for so long, I'm certain a few weeks will pass by quickly before you can move into the rental property.
In the time leading up to Muharram, I would suggest making a priority plan / list:
- what needs to be ordered (the essentials) what you need rather than want - maybe pre-order goods for delivery after Muharram.
- what needs to be packed (pre-pack these beforehand in labelled boxes).
- decide what actually needs to be used in the new house (the essentials) e.g. kitchen / cooking / cleaning supplies etc. (pack these so they are easily accessible - label as essentials).
- decide what you need for your daughter to give her a homely environment e.g. toys / games
- decide what are non-essentials and pack / label them accordingly, so when you move you don't need to unpack these until you are rested and have the time.
- discuss with the landlord a more suitable date to move in after Muharram (this will be good for you as you've mentioned tenants are there at present).
It will also be good to slowly prepare your daughter for the transition, with love and care, maybe bring some of the closest family when you move (to visit) so she feels more comfortable.
Hope this helps.
Husband actions not able to understand
It seems to be a toxic relationship in which your spouse is taking advantage of your loyalty to him.
As you've given your husband multiple chances, you should now walk away from the relationship.
You need to think about your two children, and what is best for their future, as well as your mental wellbeing.
You will be causing yourself more harm by giving him further chances because of the innocent children involved.
Be strong in your actions.