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In the Name of God بسم الله

rocephin

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    Shia Islam

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  1. I don't plan to commit suicide ان شاء الله. It's just that I wish Allah would remove me from this world. Yes I see this as a test but it's becoming unbearable now. Like I've honestly considered starting hrt. Thank you for your advice. I know the only current cure for dysphoria proposed by the medical establishment and the maraja is transitioning. It's just that it will hurt my family and cause them so much undue pain. I know that being transgender isn't sinful in the eyes of many Shia scholars (not all) but I think hurting my parents like this is sinful. Honestly my sexual or
  2. Should I do istikhara about whether to transition or not
  3. Does anyone know any knowledgeable Muslim scholars who will speak to me quickly and on phone? I tried using the app Ask Those Who Know but have received no response. My parents are starting to suspect things about me and are trying to confront me and I need help as soon as possible. I can't divulge these things to them.
  4. I wish I was dead now so I wouldn't have to worry about this body any longer.
  5. 1) Experimenting with it in public will just exacerbate my thoughts and dysphoria. I also don't have the time or money to travel right now. And I am worried about being perceived as grotesque and a freak by young girls and women who see me as a "male in a dress" perverting femininity. 2) Allah is Rahman and Raheem but how can I do this when this will knowingly hurt my parents deeply? 1) My disgust with male bodies is mostly a projection of the disgust with mine. I don't want to talk about my sexual thoughts here but I have imagined myself as being with a man as a woman. I am attra
  6. I've read this before. Are you trying to say I should transition? 1) Gender abolitionism is an idealist antihuman notion usually propagated by men who think they're "nonbinary" because they use they/them pronouns while still being misogynistic and masculine in appearance and demeanor. Humans express gender because we have sex. Men and women are different biologically and sex-based oppression of women is real. 2) You are saying there's no need to rush anything. I am suicidal. I want to die because of this struggle. I am asking for help but you're just saying to explore my gende
  7. 1) Yes that's one of my hopes that at least when I get married I can be a loving, caring and kind partner to my wife and be great friends with her. I still can't imagine intimacy with a woman though beyond just simple hugging and such so I don't know how that would be. I have heard people's sexual orientations change while transitioning and that dysphoria can cloud people's minds when it comes to their disgust of the pre-transition same sex. But yes I am and have been attracted to women (more emotionally rather than physically but still physically) as opposed to men. 2) I don't know
  8. وعليكم السلام I watched the video. He's saying what the scholar told me in that since cross-sex hormone replacement therapy and srs is the treatment for this defect of mine I should do it. It's just telling me to transition. I don't know if I can go through with that though. It will hurt my family deeply and cause so much social strife. How will I ever find a loved one and get married then and complete half my deen? How can I go on without my parents' acceptance and love? What if they disavow me and do not forgive me? How will Allah ever forgive me then for causing my parents this ha
  9. Thank you for this. I appreciate the kind words. I know it is a test but this test is becoming more difficult day by day. Even normal people are talking about transgender issues. An Islamic scholar told me to transition. People online and psychologists tell me to transition except here. It feels as though the whole world is against me at times. That I have no one to communicate with except to Allah. But still I have found no repose from my suffering. It continues to grow day by day.
  10. 1) Do you know of any therapists that could help? I have tried searching before but have not been able to find any. 2) Make what a long-term goal? I don't understand. 3) I understand this is whispers of Shaytan and my nafs. That this would ruin my life. When I abstain completely from things it helps for a few days but then the thoughts come back worse and worse until I end up going back to it and my dreams are filled with me as a woman and my body dysphoria gets worse. I try accepting who I am and try to show what little gratefulness I can to Allah for what He has given me bu
  11. 1) My insurance is too terrible to seek out anything medically. I can only ask help from my parents financially who cannot handle this. I don't know if I am intersex or not but I have suspected it and so did my mother when I was young. Now however I am very masculine. 2) I am in medical school doing rotations offsite. There is no counseling center. Do you know any free therapists I can speak to online? I have tried writing poetry before but it doesn't help. Ends up just being poems about depression or wishing for another life. I used to draw comics in high school of me as a woman doc
  12. Like I said before I did have some experiences of what Blanchard would call emasculation trauma such as being beaten by parents and being grinded upon as a child. I also saw the Abu Ghraib pictures as a child and that was traumatic for me to see that dehumanization. And also I can't see a therapist right now. It would have to wait until I finish schooling and get good enough insurance to see someone. How would I find a therapist who won't just tell me to transition and try to feminize me? Because it seems the psychological model is now going towards radical acceptance and informed consent
  13. وعليكم السلام 1) Please if you can find the name of it I need it. Anything to make these thoughts go away. I've only read pimozide is effective in some cases of secondary transsexualism caused by schizophrenia but I am not schizophrenic. 2) I have deeply questioned it. I have looked at scientific research papers, read the works of sexologists like Blanchard, Avitale, and Anne Lawrence, talked to an Islamic scholar, talked to transgenders, read works of psychiatry and psychoanalysis and psychology, read the history of transgenders, read any hadith I could related to it like on the mukhan
  14. I do try to imagine this. I think about being a good loving and nurturing father. But I still have hatred of my masculine body and disgust of my privates and bodily functions. My brain still thinks "being a woman would be much better" and I can't remove these thoughts of wanting to transition. I also worry as I said before about what happened to @notme. The cases of causing a trans widow and ruining the family dynamic because I repress the thoughts for so long and then I inevitably "troon out" and cause my wife and children great distress. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to
  15. 1) I know I can never be a mother. It's an irrational delusional wish from my childhood. 2) I do try telling myself this but I am worried that things will get worse down the line and I become what's known as a "boomerhon" that transitions in 40s or 50s or after kids go to university ruining the life of the wife. I don't want that to happen so I need a way to remove these thoughts. 3) Thank you for the hadith. The A'immah had so much knowledge. My love for Ahl al-Bayt ع is the only reason I don't kill myself or want to indulge or succumb to these thoughts. But what of my desires i
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