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In the Name of God بسم الله
Salaam, I hope everyone is keeping well and healthy amidst COVID. As stated in the title, this is going to be a personal post. I’m currently in my 20’s/female, when I was younger I was groomed by a female authoritative figure. I come from an abusive household, (my father), I’m still vulnerable not sure if that’s relevant. She is also a Shia too. I never understood what it was or meant but all I knew was I felt it deep in my heart I was meant to be with her. It left a massive scar in my heart and I think I’m unable to ever understand why it even happened but alhamdillah, it could’ve been much worse. I even prayed to get over the heart break and find someone new or at peace. Here comes the part none of you will like, I’ve got a girlfriend of almost a year now. She’s been so patient with everything. She’s so strong hanging on whilst I make the choice. Fully take her out of my life for my sake in the next life or risk it all, given how merciful Allah is. Im currently keeping back on track with prayers and trying to closer myself to God inshAllah. I know this sounds so stupid, but I just want to know are my prayers valid at all whilst being with a girl or am I just being a bad person while continuing to pray ? I don’t understand why I can’t have both and it’s really hurting me. I’m not carrying out any sexual acts with her or myself. Ive recently just had a major freak out about how The End will come, like is it painful ? What will it look like, will the Blast of the trumpet deafen me ? I’m just so scared about dying and ending up in Hell. I understand Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is so so so merciful! This is why i’m so confused about being with a girl whilst I continue to pray. I am aware of homosexuality being haram in every religion. Thank you for reading my dilemma, any advice is always useful. Please don’t hate on me, I’m crying myself to sleep every night and making dua that things will work out for the best. If anyone could pass this onto a scholar, I would really appreciate that inshAllah. Stay safe everyone!