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In the Name of God بسم الله

Sinful_Loser

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    Shia Ithna-Asheri Jafari... I wish, but I'm awful
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    Corrupt

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  1. The problem is that I don't pursue deep contemplation. How do I build up the courage to do so?
  2. I hesitate asking for advice because I am likely to ignore the most beautiful of advice.
  3. W/Salam. I apologize for ruining this site with my problems. Unfortunately, I am back to square one again. Will I ever change? Doubt it... I'm a lazy, irrational, idiot who lacks any self-control or r
  4. God is all-aware. God is more aware of my situation than I am. In this way, I am limited. Moderators please approve my posts, thanks.
  5. Through sin it went away. As per Islamic teachings. By bad I meant "worse off" This doesn't mean anything. Which needs to have some basis. I'm not going to go around believing in whatever suits my fancy. That's how people go astray. You're right 'just because it feels right/wrong' doesn't make it so. But, there has been a contradiction between my logical beliefs and my spirituality. Perhaps I do not accept these hadith. It is not the truth through my verification of it. Sure, but that's not relevant here. What is your definition of limited? I am aware of God, yet I am still limited. I was able to point to God whom is neither object or entity, as these are creations. Therefore, by your criteria, God is not limited, but I am limited. Using your own explanation: If I am aware of God, then God is not myself. (Yet you call God 'the Self'). Also, it's absurd If I am aware of myself, then I am not myself. If I am in a coma (unaware of myself), then I am myself. Only when you're unconscious are you conscious. Etc. ...This is what I was talking about, contrived criteria. Similar to folk wisdom. Being aware of oneself does not preclude limitations. Don't know where you got this from really. Then don't call God "the Self". Words have meaning you know. *there is no God but God
  6. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to write, but... I already disagree with your premise. I want to be me again. I want to return to something closer to my fitra. I want to return to the heightened state of God consciousness that I once had. Admittedly, I was sometimes inconsistent, but I was never as bad as I am know. Not to mention that what you are saying is quite contrived... maybe foreign to Islam. We are limited, and it is a substantiated belief with evidence. Don't be pretentious. This is core to Islam and Monotheism. God is unlimited (beyond limitations). God is separate from His creation. As is often said (to help us understand) He is separate, but not distant... and close, without touching. Rather, what is meant is that He is beyond such concepts, as these are creations of Him (the Creator), and thus He is not bound by them. God is beyond space, time, matter, etc. These are all creations of our Creator. ... I had to stop reading from there. Your post is quite galaxy brained and as a result is awful to read. It's also Shirky whether Sunni or Shia. I'll take a break and read it later though, when I'm in a better mental state... since you took the effort to write me.
  7. I am such an evil hypocrite. I know nothing of God, yet I worship Him. I know zero about God, yet I can't be bothered to crack open a book, read a PDF, read an article, watch a video, read dua, read Qur'an to learn about Him, His Prophet (s), and the Prophet's family (a). I can't build up the courage/strength to engage with my faith. All I do is waste my time in all other aspects of life too. And I don't care enough to realize that what I'm doing is stupid and going to backfire on me. And I can't get back in, because all I think of when I think of God is shirk shirk shirk shirk shirk shirk images. So I just do my daily 5 Salah absent mindedly like some sort of evil person.
  8. I have not committed a single sin since I last posted, alhamdulillah. I am much happier now, and a better person. Yet, I don't feel close to God. Whenever I think of God, shirk images come to mind. My comprehension of tawhid (Oneness of God) is lacking too, I'm having trouble connecting to this concept. I think I don't fully see the importance in it all, which is bad. Furthermore, I feel totally absent minded and unable to form a thought. I feel nothingness constantly. I am always distracted, unable to focus on the words in Salah, and everything else in my life to an extent. There is just this constant drivel of the mind that I think about, instead of Dhikrullah, Rasulullah (s), and Ahlul Bayt (a). This drivel is immediately forgotten too. So, it feels like I'm skipping through time. How do I leave this cycle, and start thinking about God? Well, I realized that I don't remember anything about God, and I no longer understand God. Could you link for me resources to improve my understanding of tawhid? Please, tell me anything about God Almighty. I feel so incredibly distant from my Lord, and my deen in general, despite practicing it like an average person would. For instance, I went to the masjid for the first time yesterday, for Jummah, I even bussed 1 hour there and back in the cold... I thought that maybe it would help me feel something, maybe my struggle would help me unlock spiritual proximity to God. But on the bus, I ignored dhirk and got lost in my own thoughts. I did the adhan, yet I didn't focus on what I was saying. During the khutbah, though I was mostly focused, it had little impact on me, despite the heaviness of the subject matter, such as the tyranny going on in the world currently, and how the infants, children, and pregnant women are being killed by fascists--don't get me wrong, it's sad and I hate it, but I still didn't feel anything meaningful. During the khutbah, it felt like I didn't even have a conception of Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) & his Ahlul-Bayt (عليه السلام) whenever they were mentioned, and I didn't understand how to think of God. Unfortunately I didn't feel God's presence or majesty. Astaghfirullah. Starting my actions off with bismillah and/or qurbatanAllah is hard enough as it is, because I don't really understand what I am doing. I feel like a hypocrite. I barely understand Allah. I was fully embarrassed at Jummah. Everyone there clearly grasped the concepts... but I didn't. It's worse than that even... when salawat was said it would just pass right through me. I felt very lost. I say this relative to how I used to be, how I used to act. The closeness and understanding of God that I used to have, but no longer grasp. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), Creator of the creation, Sustainer of the sustained, Lord of the lorded... Oh Allah, please guide me, and please guide us all. I know You are the truth, yet I struggle to know You, I struggle to grasp You, and I struggle with shirk thoughts. I know you are Absolute, One, Reality. I know of your 'all'/unlimited attributes. Yet I barely understand any of it. Logically, I only understand it minimally. Spiritually, even less so. Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
  9. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) reward all of you so much! I had a very successful happy day today, alhamdulillah. I hope to maintain this, inshallah. ... Wasalam
  10. I am addicted to everything Haram. I can't find my way back to the deen. I don't know where to jump back in from... my belief in Tawhid has been corrupted through sins (through forgetting God). I feel lazy, apathetic, indifferent, and I don't know how to change. It feels like there is a constant stressful battle between good and evil going on within me, but evil easily wins every time. I barely know God anymore, I barely understand monotheism anymore. Thank God though that I still get furious when I hear something blasphemous being said... but then I think of what a hypocrite I am. I am addicted to masturbation and sexually explicit content, I cannot bring myself to pray, I for whatever reason can no longer lower my gaze in public no matter how hard I try--It's shamefully embarrassing, I feel like everyone notices and they're probably thinking "what the heck?!", especially considering that I actively seek out looking at that which is forbidden to fill the void in my heart (spoiler alert, it doesn't work, but it's a vile positive feedback loop saying 'keep looking some more'), I cannot study at all or get any work done, I repeatedly hit myself--I punch my self in the face. I ask God to send curses upon me, I ask God to punish me and burn me in the hellfire, I ask God to kill me, I ask God to make me never wake up ever again--all this despite knowing how awful the hellfire is and not ever wanting to experience it. Yet I still readily associate with my religion--it's the truth, I fully believe in it-- but it's just so odd that I usually go about my life not realizing how bad the things I do are. I am so sinful that I forget I am sinning. It's shocking how good I used to be, and how corrupt I am now. I struggle, but shaytan always wins. I think that I'll make ghusl, I think that I'll pray Maghrib/Isha... but then I'm just sat on the couch on my phone near my prayer mat, full on stressed out, debating myself for hours. Entertaining the idea of not praying, all the way until Midnight when it's too late. The high stress and fatigue usually puts me to sleep for a minute, and then I wake up in a panic, screaming for God "I have forgotten about God!", and simultaneously "I don't know God!"... because I am not treating Him as absolute, one, reality. I have made an idol, an image of God. I have essentially forgotten about God's mercy, why I should be thankful, etc. It's gotten so bad that I no longer understand the all- concepts and their relevancy, all-knowing all-beneficent, all-merciful, all-just, almighty, what does it all mean?... I have been unsuccessful at making God part of my life. The best I can do is repeat what I used to be accustomed to saying, like "God is the Creator of the Creation, beyond space, time, matter, etc., etc." I love Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) and his Ahlul-Bayt (عليه السلام), but there is no way that I am following in their path... I can't even bring myself to crack open the Qur'an. I am hopeless, useless... please help me, please pray for me. Please do not tell me to get professional/medical help, it is not within my means. Please help me be a normal person again. Please help me regain my comprehension of Tawhid... preferably give me something detailed, not the cookie-cutter stuff that barely scratches the surface. I am deeply lost. I am deeply troubled. I am very depressed. I am very anxious. I have little control over my free will. I am terrified yet not changing in the slightest, I might even be getting worse and worse, descending into madness. I don't even know how to get into the mindset that would allow me to return to the straight path. Allah knows best. Everything I say, I say it emptily... almost as if I don't believe it, but I'm certain that I do truly believe, I'm just not thinking clearly. I feel like I am wasting your time by just posting this... will I even change when I hear your suggestions? It's just that I know how awful my life feels right now, and I know that it would be fixed through Islam, yet I can't submit to God! What gives? Why is my thinking and acting so deficient. I think I have noticed that it is my stress and anxiety that fuels my sins (for whatever reason), but I don't know how to stop my stress and anxiety. What a pitiful existence mine is, what a Godless life I have chosen to live. Please help me, I need to change. I was considering using this forum to ask for help earlier, but refrained from doing so, because I thought I would be able to muster up the courage to change--something I would have been able to do in the past-- and then eventually I would flow naturally back into my religion. But alas, I couldn't gain the courage to change this time, and my deen hasn't magically flowed back together. It is missing pieces now. QurbatanAllah, iA, wasalam I'm in tears Never have I been sadder I have been typing for ages now, I keep on tacking on more and more info. I'm going to hit submit topic now, this is too much, bismillah ----> I apologize for taking time out of your day/night to help me, but I greatly appreciate your help. Oh Allah, please forgive me for my sins and inactions. Salawat bifris. Salam Alayk.
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