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In the Name of God بسم الله


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  1. Salam Alaikum. Before anyone jumps to conclusion, I am not transgender or a part of the LGBTQ+++++++. I was born a female and I am still a female. My fiance doscovered a Shia artist with artwork representing shiism. Turns out they support the LGBTQ+ and they are also trans (female to male). I brought that up to my fiance and he was supporting their choice. I don't even know if I should refer them as she or he. I'd prefer to go with she/her. I was so surprised by my fiance... And it made me doubt myself and made me feel like I am the bad guy. I understand their are people born with both sexs and thats something I understand. But in general, as a whole (excluding those born with both sexs and get to decide what gender they feel is right for them) does Shia Islam support being transgender? Is it ok to call a female to male a he/him and vice versa? What evidence is there from the rulings in Islam? My marja is Sayed Sistani if that helps by any means. Salam (what can I say in the end besides salam? I am not sure as my parents barely teach me.)
  2. I knew someone for three days and felt interested in him. Instead, I spoke to him a couples weeks longer to get to know him a bit more, in a halal manner. Next I told my dad about the guy and asked for permission in getting to know him as I don't generally feel interested in guys, especially as I believed my parents would find me someone. My dad let me get to know him, as I did want to consider marriage with the guy. But I had to let my mother know as well. So we spent 8 months talking to each other with my dads permission. And he came and met my parents to formally introduce himself so my parents can get an idea of what he is like. Always do things the most halal way you can. Because if you do, Allah will see how serious you are and will help you along the ways. I did have difficult times due to him being of different races, which my mom could not accept at all. She made it hard on me but I had to be patient and pull through. I had my dad on my side and my brothers. Once he met my parents, my dad fully accepted him and we will be getting married in a few years when we finish our education. But in the mean time, its also for us to get to know each other. We do wish to do a nikkah or mutaa so we can get closer and nothing can be haram between us as its hard, but we have no choice but to be patient with our parents to feel comfortable and ready for that. He and I had about a year now to process everything and feel ready. But alhamdulllah, his parents and my dad accept him. But if she is not up to your religious standards, sometimes that can get in the way, you will want someone to discuss religious topics with, someone you can grow better as a Muslim with. The guy Inshallah I will marry, he and I try to help each other grow as Muslims. He definitely made me a better Muslim.
  3. Salam alaikum! Please read what I'm saying with a chill voice lol I don't want anyone to think I'm angry. If I'm correct, its saying you can get your infant to marry one person until the reach an appropriate age. Its like wanting to have your daughter to marry a specific person, you sign a contract I believe and wait for then to get older. But the child growing, that could always change. This is common amongst royal families or the wealthy, but suddenly us common folks, its all wrong. I find the perspectives very interesting. I do understand why its strange, I myself am still learning about this but with what I've given you, maybe you can further do the research, I will as well when I get the chance. O: also I could be giving the wrong information as I learned this years ago. I had forgotten about this. Regardless, I believe its also important to understand why such ruling was made to be ok. Hopefully someone who may see this and know the information could share.
  4. Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words. My father set on two years because in two years, Mehdi will get a degree. I will get mine next year. But Mehdi and I personally want to get married in two years time at least, so we can get to know each other in person, as online is not enough to get to know a person, a persons actions in person is different. He and I made that decision first before my father and his father made it loool. Even if we lived closer, I'd probably still do it in two years because I want to focus on my studies and I don't want to rush into marrying someone. My parents married after getting to know each other for a month. I will not make that mistake. It took almost a year for Mehdi to find a chance to fly out as we are both busy. But also we wanted to get to know each other first online, as much as we could before he came, and before we begin to meet more often in person. But now we want our parents to have the chance to get to know each other, get close to the family a bit, just to ensure this marriage will grow to be a happy one. And I can see that these decisions can be tough on the parents, considering we do not know the community on both ends to ensure both sides of the family is good or not, if Mehdi is good or I am good. So we want these two years to help make up for it. Inshallah. We would love to do a formal engagement when we begin to have permission to hang out together. I think it will be right by the end of the year, or next year when I graduate. But we are leaving it up to the parents to decide. What mattered to me was that my parents got to know Mehdi first. Then we will fly out to him and meet his parents so they can get to know me and see what next steps we can take.
  5. Thank you! Yes alhamdullilaahh!!!! I am trying my best to do things according to Islam. I wanted to build some knowledge so I can properly have a discussion with my parents on this, but I couldn't as I didn't have so much information just yet. But my faith was very strong with Allah, especially the night before he arrived. Someone gave me this quote, "Allah never gives us a test we cannot pass". I had trouble sleeping, but this quote finally let me sleep before he arrived. Because I believed that I just need to be patient, follow Islamic rules, and not be rash or emotional in the process, have faith in Allah and never to doubt him, even if it doesn't work out between Mehdi and I, I believe Allah knows whats best for me. I won't be upset, as things happen for a reason. Its just scary doing this with so little knowledge on the topic of Marriage. I am just happy my father is willing to give this a chance to get to know the family and friends. Because I know how important it is in our culture to know the community around to ensure if the person is good, but we don't have this.
  6. If you are curious about the answers to these questions, I have answered them already with other responses. But I do want to make it clear for everyone. I prefer both my parents to accept him, and I certainly will be patient in having my mother accept him. My father has approved. But you can read the answers more in depth from other responses I made.
  7. Yes. I do not understand. I was stating that I went to my parents and seeking for a spouse through their help, but they would not help me. But I met someone online who I thought would be great to further get to know through my parents (which I only received from my father) I don’t have a strong relationship with my parents, but I am more comfortable talking with my father. As he is generally an open minded man. I am aware, but I did not want to appear as someone who could be 12 years of or 15 when I made this post. I said I was 24 because I had a feeling someone might ask. Yes, and thankfully my father doesn't agree with my mothers culture. He spoke to her and tried to make it clear to my mother that my culture is different from theirs, and that she needs to accept it. He told her that she needs to accept that I was raised around diverse people, being open minded, different ways of thinking etc. No, we did not meet him person at first. Because I respect myself and my parents enough not to walk with a boy alone, as we are never alone, shaytan is always there in those moments. We live in different states, so meeting wouldn't have happened either way, as we are focused on work and or studies more. But he did fly out last month to my state in order to meet with my parents and speak to them. It was less about meeting me, and more about having my parents get to know him. And it went very well with my dad. I think my mom simply doesn't like how Asians look, so my mom rejected him for that reason. Her opinion doesn't really matter in the end if its due to these reasonings. Its running close to a year since we have spoken now. And the next steps my dad and I are taking is flying out to him so we can meet his family. When he did come, my father only allowed me to speak to him for ten minutes alone at a very public place, where we saw the waterfalls. My dad really loved showing off our state. But we barely spoke, as we were incredibly shy. The story is kinda funny lol But since we will be marrying in two years time, which was the plan I and the guy I will marry (mehdi) made before my father made that decision as we want to meet more in person to get to know each other inshallah. Especially as I am very picky and I know how people can change over time, I am not someone who wishes to rush such a big decisions. PLus finishing my degree and then getting an internship is my first priority. Interesting perspective, I did not think of this or have come across this concept. But it is exactly this way with my parents. My mom wants a good attractive looking man, while my dad wants an open minded man who will make me happy and have a roof over my head, and food on a table/floor, while he has a degree, and prays. It was through a Muslim marriage app, I decided to give it a go, just to see how it was set up and I found it to be interesting actually. So I gave it a try. After a few days of talking with the Mehdi, we decided we would like to get to know each other more with our parents permission and awareness. So my dad accepted this, and his mother accepted. My mom rejected and his dad was iffy about me not being paki. But hes opening up to me slowly, he just has to see if I am crazy or just a normal gal. Which is understandable and good of him to have this thinking, as he wants his son to be safe first. I cannot completely agree with this, my mother makes decisions that go against Islam, and I think its only right to make it clear instead of having her walk blindly. Shes changing slowly. But when she met Mehdi, she couldn't even deny he was a good person. She could not find any fault to gossip about him other than him looking Asian. She is changing, but very slowly. And I only need my fathers opinion Islamically so... my mother and I have a bad relationship and I have tried and tried again to get closer, but its hard. All I do is cry cause it breaks my heart, as I am a family person, very nurturing. I ended up taking over raising my youngest siblings who are twins instead of my mother raising them. I was so lonely, I had no friends, no family to speak to, so I raised the twins and I love them so much and they love me too. When I graduated out from high school and started to go to college and got my first job, I began to interact with people, meet people from around the world. I never grew up having a chance to learn of what type of people exist out there and I didn't know how easy I could fall into a group of bad people. I met one girl who came from the Middle East, I didn't know she was a bad person, she was using me as I had a car, while she was a student studying abroad. She spread false rumors about me whenever I did not feel comfortable disobeying my parents at the time, by going out late, coming home late, walking with guys. As this is not something I enjoy doing. One guy she liked happened to like me as I was very shy and kind. That drove her crazy. But I would not have seen this had I not have been warned by other people who saw how innocent I was at the time. Alhamdulillah I was being protected by my new friends I had made at college at the time. Sunni boys wanted to rape me for being Shia and the only way they could have known I was Shia was through that girl, and she knew them all. I was being followed etc. The story is very long but, this is what I had to experience, I literally couldn't tell who was bad or good, I couldn't tell who was lying at all. I was filled with so much fear, but that pushed me to grow up. Getting many jobs helped me interact with people as well at work life and dealing with costumers. Painting at the beach drew in people, and I'd end up conversing with them. When I started college, I wanted to stop being very shy and scared to socialize, so I took the chance to be around new people that didn't know me, so I tried to open up. It was a hard first three years, nothing but torture, pain, fear for the most part. I'm sorry, I keep typing and typing cause I don't know how much I need to say to make it very clear on how much I had grown up. The plan for that attack was successful, I was always on campus as I did not enjoy being at home, since I was constantly abused. So I would study at campus a lot, but its not filled with students all hours of the day. The Arab guys found an opportunity, and I couldn't fight back against a group of scary guys as I am short and petite. It was all because of her. I learned that she wanted me to drive her to some guys homes so she could sleep with them. But alhamdulillah I didn't listen to her or play a role in filling her requests. I'd go as far as to the beach or the mall. At the time, I was more scared to face my parents and too scared to disobey them. But after everything, I changed. I couldn't live a sad, abusive, controlled life anymore. So I stood up for myself, spoke up, grew up and made my own decisions. Before, my grades were bad, my English was worse, I had no skills. But I am an artist, I study architecture, my grades are good and I receive scholarships cause I stopped listening to my parents. Yes, we have spoken about all these topics and more. We simply just don't discuss about inappropriate conversations that are not allowed outside of marriage. There are people who cannot make decisions, but there are people who can. I already know what I want, and I met him when he came, it went well and we will continue to meet. What I have learned is, no one can have an opinion regarding me. Its the peoples opinion that made my life fall apart. I built it back up alone. Someone like Mehdi. Thats what I look for. Since I have been attacked, I changed into someone who became more cold, I stopped caring about people in general, I couldn't have cared less about people either. Its changed though. It was my depression and fear that put me into that position for a while. But I can't even tell you how many Muslim men I have spoken to. Its more like, they approach me, and to entertain their stupidity, cause I did not trust any man at all anymore after being attacked, I'd be the one who made clean conversations, someone who was just makes normal conversations with anyone you meet. And the amount of men who have tried to fool me, tried to sweet talk me, tried to "marry me" as this was also the time when I began to dress nice (modest) but also began to lose weight, wear some makeup. Many tried to hit on me, and its not something I am trying to show off. I am here to explain to you alone on what I have experienced. The audacity so many men had to speak to me rudely, make inappropriate comments. I felt like their mother, lecturing them every time this happened. For what happened to me in the past, I felt like I literally knew nothing about men/boys. So if a guy tried to talk to me, I didn't mind, as long as it was public or online. This was more for me to see what guys are like, so I can spot when they will try to trick me, mess with me, lie to me, flirt. But I never gave them what they wanted. I was always speaking like I was just another regular person. But it was fun to put them in their place and see how they couldn't get anything out of me other then lectures from Islam (: I wouldn't say this lightly because I want to. It's the truth. I know more than what I have shared. You judge me without knowing me. I do not wish to suddenly get married in order to move out. I wanted to get to know someone now so I can take this chance to get to know him over time within a few years. Because once I graduate, I want to do internships, and I plan to study abroad. And unfortunately, the older a girl gets, its harder for her to get married. Besides, I have the right to want to get married when I feel as though I am ready. And considering I want to live abroad to further my architecture but maintain a job there, I wanted to get to know someone now, someone who is willing to look for a job elsewhere. Him being American wasn't something I plan. sure I can meet someone abroad, but how can I without my parents being present? Once I move out, I don't plan on coming back, this family has abused me, cursed at me, sees that I am worthless, that I am incapable of doing anything and they have mentioned many times its because I am a female, yet I am working hard to make a point that I am smart, I can do things, I know how to design very well, I can cook, I can clean, I can take care of infants, children etc. I didn't choose architecture just so I can have a degree and a mediocre job. I have goals in helping people through architecture in the Middle East, and I can't do it from. The fact I found someone who is an American with my culture was honestly just lucky. They could have been from anywhere and I would have been ok. But I am not making rash decisions, these are big and serious decisions I am making. I've discussed it with Mehdi, and we try to look at things from a realistic point of view, but it doesn't mean I wont work hard to strive towards my goals. Getting to know someone now is more fair to the guy, since its important the he knows goals that I have. One of the reasons why mehdi wanted to further get to know me is because he was fascinated by my goals. Let me make it clear, we talk about everything, literally everything, sometimes we run out of things to talk about cause we have covered so much. Its nearly been a year. I am not going about this like a blind girl in love. Our next step is wanting to have our parents permission in hanging out together in the next two years, because I am fully aware that people are different in person. And I made that clear to mehdi, we can appear different in person, I can appear different. Its important that we meet first, and not just once, but multiple times with the permission of our parents. I grew up with a very sad life, I will not walk in blindly into a marriage only to end up sad, I am taking my life far to seriously, cause I am tired of not being happy with my family. One day, and not now, but one day I want my own family, but only when we are settled with a home and jobs. I also watch other people around me who get married, I learn from their mistakes as the number of divorces are scary high. But you know what, Allah knows everything. You are very wrong and again, you decide to judge me negatively. I am not looking for loopholes, I am looking for facts and if Islam says I cannot marry on my own terms, even if my parents go against Islam 100%, then I would have listened to them. Because I am trying very hard in such a bad environment to follow Islam, and to be good, but its hard when you have no influence in your life. I began to look at Ahlul Bayt, the Prophets and Islam as my guidance. I was looking for answers because I was not sure if their was any, and I do not want to do things incorrectly, I had no idea on how to look for answers. I have faith in Allah, and I believe every rule set in Islam is set perfectly. I will obey any rules that is given to me. The topic of marriage and knowing how parents play a role is very new to me, I didn't know much which is why I was seeking for help. But you know what Sayed Sistani says, you do not need your mothers permission, but you need your fathers. And if your father is not in his right mind, then your grandfather, but if he too is not right in his mind, then go to your brother etc etc. I just found it ridiculous that my mother would not give a slight chance to meet mehdi so we all can get to know him in person over time. Mehdi and I wanted to have two years. But she rejected him because he has "small" eyes. That was her reasoning. I had to see if Islam was okay with such a decision as I am here trying to have a serious topic with her, but because she has made it clear throughout the years, she hates asians, anyone with black skin, mexicans and more. So I needed to know when Islam draws a line on these things. If my parents rejected him for unislamic reasons, I would have gone to my friends mother, I do not plan to actually make decisions alone, because I am aware that we can be blinded as people, and sometimes we make irrational decisions. I always had a backup. I just needed the facts first. I tried to seek help through a sheikh, but it took him two months to respond and he finally did after a week passed when I met Mehdi. Shiachat was my last solution with so little time left. I was not blindly looking for hadiths or ayas. I had to do research and have my friends father, who is a sayed ensure everything I have was correct. I have been trying hard to apply logic. Does it not prove to you, coming here, sharing all of this say that I am trying hard to understand what I can and cannot do? I could have easily disobeyed my parents completely, left my home and all. My classmates influencing me to run away and stay with them. But no, I wanted to look through Islam to help me out. How can you look down on that? And I have been diagnosed with depression, I do see a therapist, I seek help from everyone I can ask help from. But I try to do anything with facts on my side. And try to remember please, I wouldn't do anything against Islam, nor would I look for loopholes. I was being sincere on the fact that I lacked knowledge on this topic and all I wanted was proper advise. I am addressing the problem at home, I have been for a few years now, and I am the one trying to change it, I am the one who approaches my parents on these issues, and my brothers are beginning to do so as well. And I know I am at a point where I can make a decision, and that is wanting to get to know Mehdi more. I have spent nearly a year talking to him online, now I just need to do it in person more often. I should have properly stated, but I mean that I want a potential marriage with him, but I cannot make such a life long decision so quickly. And I was constantly bringing this up with my father particularly. You need to work on not judging people so quickly. Salam
  8. I am not very close to my parents, we never shared a bond. Every time I do seek for help, I always regret it. So I learned to put effort in taking care of myself, and alhamdulillah, I was able to succeed more in life without needing to obey rules that make no sense or go against Islam, or is for selfish reasons. I am fully aware that people can change, but we cannot believe that the outcome will be bad for everyone. I can see something good coming from this, and the guy I will marry, he has been changing me into a better Muslim, one who reads the Qur'an more, pray on time, to not be sad or angry, as I was raised around people who are constantly mad. He has so much patience, and through him, I can already see myself being a better person, making dua more, studying Islam etc. And this is all through the phone calls. He is even helping me read the Qur'an entirely so I can finally complete it for the first time, something my parents never helped or encourage growing up. If I encounter any obstacles, I will speak to a sheikh, read the Qur'an, make dua and pray for allahs guidance. The guy and I are very big on communication. We think its important to communicate if something is bothering us, upsetting us etc, as it could hurt us. And how can we grow and improve together if we are not opening up to each other. And he really has been helping a great deal as I am a sensitive soul. Also, my father really loved talking to him and getting to know him. And he accepted him, and we will get married in two years time, next step we are taking is meeting his parents to come up with a full plan for both families to agree with.
  9. I do trust my intuition, and I can proudly say that my dad accepted him! We will marry inshallah in two years time! So I will use this time to get to know him in person, as I am aware we can appear different online vs meeting in person.
  10. Thank you for the information you gathered and gave to me. I can let you know that my father has accepted the man, and we will get married in two years time Inshallah.
  11. Thank you for the response. Yes, my mother follows the culture in some aspects, this being one of them. But alhamdullah my father is not like this. The meeting went shockingly well alhamdulillah. My father accepted the man, and we will marry in two years time inshallah. I showed my father all the evidence I gathered together to fight for this, and he was rather proud of me for putting the effort to prove how serious I am about this. And he went against my mothers opinion. Although my mom didn't accept him based on him being "small" which I can fully say he isn't as we finally met. I think his height didn't please my mom, and that he has Asian like eyes. But it does make me wonder, if she thinks this of him, than what of my brother? He is much shorter. Will no one marry him because hes small? Alhamdulillah his family likes me. His father is still not sure about me, but his sisters and his mother really like me. His mother is very kind and calm. My mother on the other hand.... shes difficult but lately shes been trying to have me do something so I am not sad. Which has been very strange for me. Oh yeah, I already see my aunts preparing to go against this whole marriage. But I am stubborn, and very sure about what I want in my life, and I never obey a person whose reasonings are absolutely ridiculous and go against Islam. Nor do I care about their opinions as I am not close to them and they do not know me to know what I want. But its funny watching their expressions and reactions lol and the comments they have.
  12. Thank you for responding but I found your comment not to be reliable. You are telling me that I shouldn't rely on my own faith, but I believe in Allah, and I love my faith far to much not to see how it will take me along this journey. Even if the world doesn't follow Islamic rules, why should I become one of those people? As the saying goes, if a group of people jumped off a bridge to their deaths, would you go along with them? Alhamdullah I am aware enough to know your advice towards the end isn't proper. I understand the story you gave, but I am fully aware of the potential things that could place. So let me end this comment by saying, my mom did reject him because she thought he was small, small eyes and not tall enough. But my father accepted him, they spent 12 hours talking the first day alone. We will marry inshallah in two years time. When I showed my father all the ayas and hadiths I gathered, he was proud of me, and told me he knows all of these facts. And he went against my father for my sake. He went as far as saying that he, the man I will marry inshallah, is better than his own sons (my brothers) Thats how pious he was, kind, and a great to speak with.
  13. Salam Alaikum. Please I need answers right away! This topic is about marriage. Please if you can provide Ayas from the Qur'an or Hadiths, this could help me. I have already gathered some information I am a female Iraq. My mother expects me to marry a Basrawi Shia man one day, who would fit her needs and not mine. I have asked my parents numerous times that I want to meet someone, someone they can introduce me to for marriage but it failed. My mother would not allow it as she sees I am useless, not beautiful and unworthy. My father would not help as he thinks my mother should be the one to help me out on this subject. But my mother will not do anything, and says if someone wants to marry me, someone needs to come. But she is not willing to let anyone know I want to get married and no one knows much about me in the community. By the way I am 24 years old. I have met someone online and felt interested in him, so I approached my parents. My dad was much easier on me than my mother. My father said as long as the man makes me happy, is pious, prays, works, has a degree/or working on one, can financially take care of me. And I can see that he is all of these. But my mother rejects him because he is half Asian and not Arab at all. But he and I are born Americans and the American culture is ours, we did not grow up with our parents culture, nor do we think like them. But we are good people, we try to be good, pray, do charity, be kind, study hard, work hard etc. The moment we realized we were interested in each other, I went straight to my father, but it took me another month to face my mother as she and I have no good relationship and I honestly fear my mother as she is rather rude towards me, and controlling. I have never lived my life for my own, but for my parents and I have never been happy as I was not allowed to make friends, go out, do things on my own terms etc. Even though I am someone who does not prefer anything haram, I am yet restricted from everything. I will always try to stay in the straight path, the halal path with all my efforts put into it. I grew up naive, and when I realized this, that my parents do not really teach me anything about the world, I began to do so myself when I turned 18, as this was the year I began to go to college. So for 6 years I have been secretly studying about the world, studying people, what they are like, who to watch out for, when I am being lied to, learn about the environment, about Islam, psychology, art, history. Everything but math as I am no good. I did this because I felt unsafe in this world, and I realized this once I started college at 18, because I was attacked on campus, so I knew I had to grow up and realize what the world is like. The point of this is that my father sees me as someone who knows nothing of this world, and that I understand nothing. Even though I have been going to school since I was 5, they teach you about the safe and unsafe parts of the world, and about people. Yet, because I am a female, I know nothing. I have met someone online, and we did everything in the most halal way we understood to be halal. Our conversations were clean and proper, we love talking about religion, but we also asked our parents right away about each other, and my dad gave me permission to keep talking to him once my mother knew about him. My mother rejected him for his race, even though he checks out for what a recommended person would be to marry in Islam. We are both Shias, we love the Ahlul Bayt and even though we have never met, he has made me a better person who keeps praying my salah, read the Qur'an more then ever before, study hadiths etc. He has already made me a better person without meeting me. He lives in a different state and flew out to meet me. He came today and well, now its 2am and he will be coming tomorrow after thuhr maybe. It will be our first meet up. My mother is honestly quite racist as much as I hate saying it. She just hates Asians. And he is half Asian. And my mom is even bothered by the shape of his eyes. My parents are annoyed by the fact that he is someone from online and anyone could lie, and yes I am aware. But thats why we are to meet, so my parents can get to know him and with their permission, we can get to know each other without worry. But its like they do not want to put any effort to get to know him. My father seems to lazy and doesn't want to bother, and my mother will accept no one but a Basrawi Iraqi man with an American citizenship. The chances of this is so slim and to find someone I feel compatible with will be slim as well as I am very picky about who I would want to be with, considering my life has been nothing but sadness, pain and abuse. And my parents are money hungry, they prefer someone who could probably give them what they want. Mainly my mother. I need to know, my mother is in no right might to decide for me, and I will choose to disobey her since her reasoning goes agaisnt Islam. But if my father rejects him for the fact that he doesnt know him, but doesn't put effort in getting to know him, can I go against him? I know the next person I should ask for permission is my grandfather but he has Alzheimer but he is my mothers father, and he and his wife (my grandma) did not raise their kids to follow Islam all very well. And my other grandfather is in Iraq, sick with cancer, and I have never met him. I spoke to him once. But it doesn't seem right that he can decide? Or can he even if he does not know of me or the man I wish to marry. If my dad will put no effort, can I disobey him? Can I decide that he is not fit to answer? The guy I wish to marry, and I am not someone who would easily accept anyone or give my heart to anyone, his Taqwa is just so strong. You can sense it from a miles away. His smile is so bright and positive. my life never was like this. My home is filled with so much anger and so much cursing. When is it ok to decide for myself on whom I should marry? I just want to live a positive and pious life and I cannot stop crying at all. I really need help. When you know someone is so good, you simply cannot give up until you know they are really right for you. Here are ayas and hadiths that I have found. I want something to tell me that I can disobey my parents when they are being unfair and are not following Islam well. Their is no excuse to not put in time to get to know the boy. And we have so much sabr, we will wait as long as it takes until they accept. But I feel unsafe at home as well. My mother assumed I held hands with a boy before, and nearly made me drop out of college, sold my car, and almost turned me into a maid. I can’t imagine what will happen when I have a guy coming over tomorrow (yes with my parents awareness) They are putting effort in cleaning the house, painting the walls, organizing everything, and my mom will be cooking. But its all a show. My mom is the type who prefers to make herself look good in front of others and not make her kids happy. روي عن الإمام الباقر (عليه السلام) أن رسول الله (صلى الله عليه وآله) قال: «إِذَا جَاءَكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ خُلُقَهُ وَ دِينَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ، إِلَّا تَفْعَلُوهُ تَكُنْ فِتْنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسادٌ كَبِيرٌ» وسائل الشيعة، ج20، ص76 If someone came to you who you find sufficient in behavior and religion, then marry him, if you don’t it is a fitnah and great calamity وَأَنْكِحُوا الْأَيَامَىٰ مِنْكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ ۚ إِنْ يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاءَ يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِنْ فَضْلِهِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ "Marry the single people from among you and the righteous slaves and slave-girls. If you are poor, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will make you rich through His favour; and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is Bountiful, All-Knowing." (Surah 24, Verse 32) A small section of Prophet muhammads (saww) last speech عنه (صلى الله عليه وآله) – في خطبة الوداع -: يا أيها الناس إن ربكم واحد، وإن أباكم واحد، ألا لا فضل لعربي على عجمي، ولا لعجمي على عربي، ولا لأحمر على أسود، ولا لأسود على أحمر، إلا بالتقوى، إن أكرمكم عند الله أتقاكم. ألا هل بلغت؟ قالوا: بلى يا رسول الله، قال: فليبلغ الشاهد الغائب (6). (٦) الترغيب والترهيب: ٣ / ٦١٢ / ٩. All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over a white - except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belogs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not therefore do injustice to yourselves. Remember one day you will meet Allah and answer your deeds. So beware: do not stray from the path of righteousness after I am gone. حميد بن زياد، عن الحسن بن محمد بن سماعة، عن علي بن الحسن بن رباط، عن حبيب الخثعمي، عن ابن أبي يعفور، عن أبي عبد الله (عليه السلام) قال: قلت له: إني أريد أن أتزوج امرأة وإن أبوي أرادا غيرها، قال: تزوج التي هويت ودع التي يهوي أبواك. الكافي ج5 ص 401 this Hadeeth.. a guy went to Imam Sadiq عليه السلام and told him that "I want to marry a woman but my parents want me to marry another woman. Imam said to him: marry the one you like, not the one your parents like. ­­ يٌا أَيُّهٌا النٌّاسُ إِنٌّا خَلَقْنٌاكُم مِّنْ ذَكَرٍ وَأُنـثَى وَجَعَلْنٌاكُمْ شُعُوباً وَقَبٌائِلَ لِتَعٌارَفُوا إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِنْدَ اللٌّهِ أَتْقٌـكُمْ إِنَّ اللٌّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ “O’ Humanity! Without doubt We have created you from a male and a female and have made you into various nations and tribes, so that you may come to know and understand one another. Definitely the most honoured among you in the sight of Allah is the one who is the most Allah-Consciousness. Surely Allah has full Knowledge and is All-Aware.” إِتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ نَفْسٍ وٌاحِدَةٍ... “Have taqwa (Allah-Consciousness) of your Lord (O’ People) who created all of you from a single soul…” ­­ أَيُّهٌا النٌّاسُ! إِنَّ اللٌّهَ قَدْ أَذْهَبَ عَنْكُمْ نَخْوَةَ الْجٌاهِلِيَّةَ وَ تَفٌاخُرَهٌا بِآبٌائِهٌا أَلاَ إِنَّكُمْ مِنْ آدَمَ و آدَمُ مِنْ طِيْنٍ. أَلاٌ إِنَّ خَيْرَ عِبٌادِ اللٌّهِ عَبْدٌ اتِّقٌاهُ “O’ Mankind! Surely Allah has removed the pride and conceit that existed within you during the days of Ignorance in relation to your fore-fathers. Surely all of you are from (Prophet) Adam and Adam was (created) from mud. Surely the best servant of Allah is that servant who has consciousness of Him.”4 إِنَّمٌا النٌّاسُ رَجُلاٌنِ: مُؤْمِنٌ تَقِيٌّ كَرِيـمٌّ عَلى اللٌّهِ وَ فٌاجِرٌ شَقِيٌّ هَيِّنٌ عَلى اللٌّهِ “Certainly mankind is of two types: the true believer who has piety and nobility to Allah; and the sinner, who is lost and despicable in the sight of Allah.” أَلاٌ إِنَّ الْعَرَبِيَّةَ لَيْسَتْ بٌابٌ وٌالِدٌ وَ لٌكِنَّهٌا لِسٌانٌ نٌاطِقٌ فَمَنْ قَصُرَ عَمَلُهُ لَمْ يَـبْلُغْهُ حَسَبُهُ “Now then, surely your being `Arab is not the basis for your personality nor a part of your essence, rather, it is the language which you speak. So then whosoever is negligent in his actions, then the pride that he has from his father (being an `Arab) will not help him in the least and will not make up for the defects in his (religious) actions).”5 ­­­ قالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلّمَ): ما بُنِيَ بِناءَ فِي الإِسْلامِ أَحَبُّ إِلى اللهِ عَزَّ وَجَلّ مِنَ التَّزْوِيجِ. The Messenger of Allah (S) has said, "There is no foundation that has been built in Islam more loved by Allah, (The Greatest and Noblest) than marriage." عَنْ أَبِي عَبْدِ اللهِ (عَلَيْهِ السَّلامُ): جاءَ رَجُلٌ إِلى أَبِي فَقالَ لَهُ: هَلَ لَكَ زَوْجَةٌ؟ قالَ لا. قالَ (عَلَيهِ السَّلامُ): لا أُحِبُّ أَنّ لِيَ الدُّنْيا وَما فِيها وَإِنِّي أُبِيتُ لَيْلَةً لَيْسَ لِي زَوْجَةٌ. It has been narrated from Abi Abdillah that, "A man once came to my father. My father asked him, "Are you married?" The man replied, 'No.' My father (عليه السلام) replied, 'I would not love to have the world and all that is contained within it if it meant I had to spend one night without a woman (beside me).'" And another one is about Jubair, a poor black man that was seeking for a wife. Prophet Muhammad helped him by having him marry a girl from a wealthy family. But her father did not accept the man at first, not believing that Jubair really did receive a message from the Prophet that he was told to come to him (the father) to marry his daughter. The father only accepted someone I believe from their tribe or city. It was by the name of Ansar. And he had to be of equal status or higher. But the daughter over heard and spoke to her father on how they cannot deny the words of the Prophet. So she married a man who was pious, the poor black man, who was not poor in deen. The story is long so I did not put it here, plus I have the notes, and the story is chopped up. But the moral of the story is that money, race adn more is not important and shouldnt be. It is the Taqwa that is important.
  14. Also another thing, speaking up to your parents is soooooo important, don’t be afraid to stand up to them. When I began doing this, it was rocky and scary. Like I said above, I used to be very very shy and I was quiet, but that took me nowhere, but when I showed that I am serious, I knew what I was saying, I do my research, over time they see that, they hate that their own child can be right, but when the truth is right, you cannot deny it. My dad has been agreeing with me so much in the last 2 years now and its wild. I have grown closer to him. My mother and I are very differnet, I am way to open minded for her but I am trying to change her to fit the Islamic thinking and not her conservative old ways, traditional, unreasonable with no logic thinking. Was I going to let her off that easy, teaching me what is haram and what is halal but she is wrong most of the time? I was not going to live my life incorrectly because she enjoys being controlling, so I had to speak up. Imagine that for a female like myself. Arabs wouldn't usually let their daughters do anything, and here I am becoming an architect inshallah, speaking up, unafraid. People need to see that you are being serious about your choices, and I knew I needed to marry someone who had my culture, is open minded..
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