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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Posts posted by WisdomAndAnswers

  1. 4 hours ago, Quran313 said:

    My suggestion is never be alone with him. If he offers anything to you (giving ride or walking you home etc.), decline his offer assertively. Do not be alone with him. Don't let him come to your home alone. Ask your brother or sister to be there. If he came alone and an older adult is not there, don't open the door and don't respond to him. Let him think no one is in the house. If an older adult is in the house but in his own room, don't be alone with him in the kitchen. Go to your own room and ask the older adult to address him. Keep your distance from him and minimize your interactions with him as much as you can. I don't know how your Hijab situation is but wear loose long dress and cover yourself. Tight or uncovered dresses entice him.

    This is a seriois problem. You should have your gaurdian support, husband or parent or an old enough brother, in these situations. Your brother in law behavior is so wrong.

    Salam alaikum,

    Thank you so much for taking your time to answer, I appreciate it.

    I agree with everything you had said. Inshallah I'll take each advice. 

    Do you believe people like my brother in law can change? Do you think they would realize their mistakes eventually? I feel bad for my sister or any good person who goes through this without realizing the person they are living with for years is doing something so untrustworthy. 

  2. 8 hours ago, Guest Salam said:

    Salamu Alaikum. May Allah teach him a lesson. To do that to a women is ridiculous, let alone your wife's sister. I think you should limit contact with him. It's not clear if he's just a moron hoping to get lucky or a predator. There's no need to go to road trips with them or go to his house unless you bring someone with you and keep them near you. And a lot of these situations you find yourself in are weird, even if he was good he shouldn't be that close to you in the first place. My dad has never given his sister-in-law a ride, sat alone with her, or been in any setting alone with her. They're not supposed to be friends who are close like that. If he's not respecting the barrier between man and woman then you have to take it into your own hands and enforce if from your end. I wouldn't escalate things for the sake of your sister and nephews. I think you should do what you think is right, but practice more caution. 

    Wa alaikum Salam. 

    Thank you so much for your helpful answer. I think it would only be smart to bring someone with me when I visit my sister, so you are completely right. 

    He's a predator and been having eyes on me since I was 18. Creeping me out for many years now. I'm honestly disgusted because I have to act normal because he's my sisters husband. If he wasn't I would have fought him a long time ago and exposed him. Sometimes I wonder if he's crazy because he doesn't give up.

    He's a really good actor towards others for sure. 

  3. 3 minutes ago, notme said:

    Always trust your instincts and avoid yourself or your child being alone with your brother-in-law. Bring an adult family member or friend along whenever you visit your sister.


    However, is it possible that there is a cultural difference related to personal space?

    I think that's a good idea. 

    No I don't think so. He lived in a religious small Arab village. They only wore Abayas too. 

    And thank you for your answer 


  4. My brother in law has been creepy with me for many years now. My sister sponsored him about 14 years ago. They were having a lot of problems at the beginning of the marriage. I'm 31 years old now and my brother is law is 46. My first creepy experience with my brother in law was when I was 18. The first incident was when he insisted to give me a drive because I needed to go somewhere. My belt wasn't working so he leans forward, and comes really close to me and reaches to my right side to fix the belt. But I was so uncomfortable because his arms were laying across me as he supposedly was trying to fix the belt. I knew something was off even at that age because we should always follow our gut feeling. I sat at the back seat and he knew I was uncomfortable with him and asked why I was sitting there. 

    The second incident was when I was 19. I was at my sisters house. I was sitting in the living room and my brother in law was sitting across me. For a weird reason, my brother in law decides to come towards me and pinch my cheek. I got creeped out and said "why did you pinch my cheek". He just mumbled something and my sister came to ask what was happening. I just told her nothing was wrong. 

    The third incident was when I was also at my sister's house. I was leaning on the wall railings. My brother in law walks by me and pinches the sides of my stomach. I got so offended so I finally spoke up. I told him to stop doing touching me and it's haram. I told him that Allah will punish him for what he's doing. Again, he just mummbled things because he didn't expect me to defend myself and was caught off guard. 

    The fourth incident was when I was going home after visiting my sisters house. My brother in law kept insisting to walk me home because it wasn't safe to walk at night. I told him that I am fine and I can walk alone. I tried to escape but he caught up with me. My sister lived in an apartment that time so we had to take an elevator. I really didn't want to take an elevator with him. While we were waiting in the elevator, he decisde to lay his head on my shoulder. I just stood there confused and disturbed. 

    My brother in law stopped acting creepy for a couple of years. I thought he finally repented and regretted what he was doing. But when I was 24, I made a mistake by going on a road trip with them. During that time, my brother in law had 3 children. It was a long road trip and my nephew was sitting behind me. I was joking with my little nephew and asked if he wanted me to massage his hand because the road trip was really tiring. My nephew was 6 that time. My brother in law thought I was talking about him. He was driving, so he takes out his left hand while steering with his right hand so that I can literally massage his hand. My sister was sitting at the front with him too. I was disgusted of him because I actually thought he was changed. I spoke loudly so that my brother in law knew who I was talking to. So I was like "where's your hand" and said my nephews name clearly. He got embarrassed and mummbled something. 

    When I was 25, my mom went to travel over seas. My brother in law would come to our house daily to inspect it like a crazy person as if he was taking care of us. He would check the fridge to see if there was food, inspect the floors if there was a mess. Honestly, he looked deranged. He then expected my brother and I to make him breakfast. My brother just goes upstairs and ignores him so I stay to actually make him breakfast.

    Later that week, my brother in law texts me that he's going to bring us olive oil that my mom specifically asked for. But he told me to not tell my sister he was coming. He brought the gallon of oil and asked me if I had a huge container to pour it into. I went to look for it. As I was searching in the closet, my creepy brother in law decides to come so close to me from behind as I was searching the closet. I step back not knowing how close he was to me and I step on his toes. I got really startled but I honestly regret not fighting back. I move away from him and he can tell I was not comfortable with him. I go to the kitchen to make tea, and he walks by me to get something across the kitchen, but he supposedly accidently, lightly touched my butt with his hand as he walked by making it seem like it was an accident as though there was a tight space as he passed by. 

    I am divorced now with a son. My brother in law had stopped being really weird for a couple of years now. But a couple of months ago he was talking about going on a road trip with the kids without my sister. I knew he had an intention so I can say that if I wanted to come along. 

    I told my whole family about his disgusting behaviors since he first started doing weird things with me. No one has ever given me an answer on how to protect myself. 

    What I regret was not telling my sister when he first started being creepy. I just didn't want to be the reason that I was the one who broke up a marriage. And I also knew my sister would fight me and say I was lying and imagining it because I know how my sister will act. But the mentality I have now and the things I have gone through now I would never let something like that slip. I would put him into his place and there will be world war with me and him and I would expose him for what he is. Now it's too late, now he has 4 children. And I love my nieces and nephews and I would never want to ruin their lives because they love their father.

    I want to know, what should I do? Am I making things bigger than it is and he's not doing anything wrong? Do you think he might be just mentally insane and not right in his mind? Or is this guy just pure evil? 

    What would you do if you were in my shoes? Would you just never visit your sister? My sister has 4 children with him and they seem happier together now. He's good to the children but I know he can be better with my sister. He used to always complain about her and be so disgrading about her to my mom. He stopped that now. 

    Since I have a child, my gut always doesn't trust him touching my child or him picking him up. I get scared when my son is alone with him and I try to never allow that to happen. Even though he's so good to him.

    Please, I want some helpful answers. I don't know what to do. I always felt him having evil eyes on me if I ever got married or if I found happiness. I always sensed it. And when I got married he actually argued with me and tried to stop it. 

    He's good with me now, but I don't trust this man at all. I believe it's all an act towards me and my son. 

  5. 10 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

    I agree. The more I experience and observe life,the more I accept and understand that, at least 90 to 95% of the events happening around us are the result of our choices. It is the outcome of our choices that is unknown, out of our control and predetermined by the reactions and actions of other people.


    11 hours ago, notme said:

    Some things are destined, but most things are a result of our or someone else's choices.

    Would you say it was destined for someone to get married to a certain person because a child was needed to be born? Sometimes I believe that a person comes into your life that wasn't in our hands to stop it because that child had a purpose? Not all marriages were destined but some?

  6. 2 hours ago, khizarr said:

    I don't think one's spouse is predestined; at least there is nothing in Islam that suggests so. 

    Now there are some things that are predestined, some that are done out of free will (where you are 'writing your own destiny'), and some that may be changed with du'a. All three of these rest on the knowledge and majesty of Allah. None of them entail sitting around idle and waiting for things to happen. 

    Yeah, it's a difficult question sometimes. But, at the same time, I do understand that a lot of these things are outcomes of human shortcomings. Poverty and childhood abuse are two classic examples; where human evil is exhibited out of free will, since evil does not come from God. But again, it is a tough question about life and I don't know if I've come to terms with it completely myself.

    It is a difficult question, it always keeps me wondering. Thank you for answering 

  7. For years I stopped believing in destiny in Islam. The biggest reasons that stopped me from believing in destiny was because of my confusion about the whole concept of it. I was always confused of situations where murder was involved like when someone was brutally murdered and why they were destined to that path. Or also why sometimes good people go through the worst in life and question why their life was written that way.

    I only started to believe in destiny when I went through my own hardship in life. 

    I was hoping that anyone can explain to me how destiny is real in Islam and if you can back it up with any proof.

    How is our life already predestined and written for us before it happening? How is the person already chosen for us for marriage? But does that also mean we can just sir around and expect things to come to us because it's already chosen to happen before even trying? 

  8. 11 hours ago, Abu Nur said:

    This is not how you know if he really was a great guy. If you have an insight then you will already able to see and be confident of your decision. My humble advice is just move on and only do what pleases Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Everything good will come from him even when you do not ask him. 

    I 100 percent agree with you. You know a lot and I appreciate your answers. It honestly helped me

  9. On 10/1/2022 at 6:53 AM, Abu Hadi said:

    There are basically three types of guys, and the guys response is usually based on which type they are. 

    Type A. The Alpha Male response. 'Oh she turned me down, that's cool. Now I'll go for it even more'. For these guys, turning them down or being rude to them actually makes them more interested. These guys will deal with this pretty well, and will probably take this from you, and will continue to respond, but I don't know if you necessarily want this type of guy. These guys are also the stalkers, the predators, the ones who could destroy your whole life with their aggressive behaviour. Most girls 'assume' guys are this way, but actually there are very, very few 'pure' Type As out there. The reason is because they have a short lifespan. Most of them are dead or in jail before 30. All guys like to think they are pure 'A's but most are not, and most actually don't even want to be if they really thought about it. 

    Type B. The Beta Response. As some have said, this is the incel response. They become passive when turned down and take it extremely personally, and go and cry into their Starbuck Frappuccino, and then post about it on reddit from their mom's basement. If he is a true Beta, you'll probably never hear from him again. I used to say that true Betas are just as rare as true Alphas, but in this generation it seems there are more of them. They are still rare, though. 

    Type AB. The regular guy. This is almost all guys, since there are very few 'pure' type As or type nonsense, this is a myth. Most guys are A or B depending on the situation, how comfortable they are, their background, past experiences, their level of Iman and Taqwa, their upbringing, etc. Some guys switch between type A and B on a daily or hourly basis. Some are situation As and nonsense (like they are a type A at work or around their friends but when they get around women, or certain situations, they switch to being a type B). 

    So the point of saying this, is that be careful when you tell a guy 'I'm not interested'. You should think about it first for a while, and make sure you are really not interested because you know what you mean but the other person doesn't, and their response is based on who they are, not what you meant. I think you should try one more time to contact him. If he doesn't respond, move on. In the case he is a true Beta (I'm not saying he is because I have no idea who he is), he is doing you a favor by not responding. You definitely don't want to be married to a guy like this. 

    Thank you so much for your detailed answer. I actually enjoyed reading it all. 

    I think he was the first type of guy, the guy who likes it when a girl turns him down or insults him. I searched really into him such as his family and background and I found out he's actually scary and not the person I thought he was. He drank occasionally, was not practicing at all and even was put into jail for drug dealing. 

    He desperately wanted to get to know me and wanted me to be his wife, which he made it really obvious because he knew my nature and he thought I was beautiful which means nothing to me. That's all infatuation  and I'm pretty sure this type of person would get bored of someone really easily and cheat based on the type of person he was.  Alhamdulilah that I asked around because I would still be waiting for a response from a player like him and get tricked by his personality. 

    My gut knew something was wrong with him which is why I felt the need to end it from the start. 

  10. On 10/1/2022 at 9:13 AM, notme said:

    Always only say what you mean and always mean what you say.  Don't play mind games and think before you speak so you don't regret your words later.  You can never unsay. 

    If he has moved on,  you should too.  

    That's true, but for me when I ended it I actually meant it. I didn't want him to chase me or try to play mind games. In my heart I felt it was right, but then when I went to sleep, I started to regret my decision and knew I had rushed it.

  11. 2 hours ago, Irfani313 said:

    You should assess:

    1. Are you breaking any gender boundaries established by Allah?

    2. Are you in the right age and mind to start this as a relationship?

    3. Is your frontal lobe developed enough to make a long term decision, or would you need your parents’ wisdom? 

    4. Are you telling your parents about it from the get go, if not, why not? 

    5. Why someone’s few smiles (lips bent upward and sideways with teeth showing), fast replies to the texts (each one of us are trigger happy when it comes to opposite gender), and complimenting us, all the while being respectful equals that he is a great guy? 

    6. Why do you need validation and a resolute No from him, are you in the needy emotional state? 

    There are many more, but as a parent, if my child tells me this, I would be asking her/him all of the above, as starter!! 

    Thank you for your answer, it was very helpful 


  12. 1 hour ago, rkazmi33 said:

    There are so many incels who are so needy and don't know how to take no for an answer. In past 2 years, I have dealt with so much abuse from literally strangers whom I meet on the street and their egoes get hurt because I "rejected" them. If I get a little bit of respect from a man, that's enough for me. So I understand this sister's infatuation. I would suggest OP should try to send few more messages to this guy. He probably has a lot of options and he is probably a player and he is giving her silent treatment but silent treatment is the least harmful type of abuse.

    Also, OP should not consider herself needy. I have heard stories of women who got married to someone way out of their league because they attempted suicide or threatened to commit suicide. No one calls those women desperate or needy. People have been abusing me, slandering me and spreading rumors about me and they justify all their actions because their intention is to convince me to agree to marriage. No one calls them needy, this sister is allowed to act a little needy if it means she will get a chance to get a great husband. 

    OP! Be careful though, some men only act sweet in the beginning to get a love confession or something they can use to humiliate a woman or ruin her reputation.  It's like walking on pul e sirat, you might miss out on a great opportunity but if this guy is a wolf in sheep's clothing, you might ruin your reputation. I feel like we have become like the society before Prophet Muhammad. For weak people, even talking to opposite gender is considered equal to adultery, while powerful can commit any sin and no one says a thing. 

    I really appreciate your detailed answer. Thank you! 

  13. I was getting to know a guy for 2 weeks. He was great to me, he always responded fast to my texts, always was the one asking to call me. He was respectful and kind to me so honestly I don't know why I ended it. I ended it for something so small and I regretted it. When we met in person, he really liked me and kept complimenting. He was smiling the whole time we were together and kept complimenting. After we left he texted me right away about how happy he met me.

    But yesterday I told him I wanted to end our conversations and i can tell he got really upset because of his 3 word reply. 

    I really regretted it so the next day I apologized by sending only 2 texts telling him that I still want to continue getting to know him, but he's only read them but ignored the texts I sent. It's almost been a day now.

    What should I do? Should I text him again and ask him if he still want us to conintue? Honestly I'd just want him to give me answer whether it's a yes or no then i'll be completely fine with that and move on with my mistake. I just need to know instead of being ignored and just left hanging.

    What are your opinions on what I should do?  Is he just upset and will respond back? I mean wouldn't he just block me on whatsapp if he wanted me gone? 


  14. Salam alaikum, 

    I read and searched about iddah, but there is a couple of questions that I am still confused about. One of them is that what if the sunni husband repeatedly said divorce 3 times out of anger and didn't mean it, would you count the divorce from that time? What if the wife kept insisting for a divorce and he said it again out of anger. She had counted it as a divorce from that time, but the official divorce came a month after. 

    So say the divorce was announced through voice message and was shown to 3 witnesses. That was in the middle of August. But she still was communicating with him because he regretted saying it at that time and was reaching out to her through text. She had to let him know that it was over and to never communicate with each other again. The official divorce came a month later though where no communication happened after that. 

    My question is, was she already divorced in August and can she accept proposals during iddah but not yet marry?

  15. On 9/24/2021 at 4:19 PM, ummulbaneen said:

    In shia ahkaam, if the marriage is between parties of different sects/faiths, during divorce, the laws to be used are those of the husband. Therefore, If your husband is sunni, the ahkaam guiding the divorce is sunni. 

    So, if you are able to prove grounds of "faskhul aqd" to the sheikh, he can pronounce it to you on behalf of your husband. Faskhul aqd are basically the things that would violate/terminate the contract of marriage such as his engaging in lewd behavior, threats to your life/safety, failure to perform his marital obligations, etc.

    You could alternatively seek a khul'a divorce (where you dont need to prove any faskhul aqd) and simply that you want out. You may be required to pay a sum demanded by the husband if he demands it.

    If you have children with him, you may want to think about custody before you decide which way to go for the divorce, and strategize so that firstly, the interests of the children are least harmed in the process, and secondly, the grounds upon which you take the divorce could affect your custody chances.

    May Allah provide ease for you in this situation. Do not forget to seek marriage counselling if that is what your marriage needs first.

    I really appreciate the time you gave for your answer. He was a very toxic person. He was smoking marijuana every day, never prays, never fasts, occassionaly does drugs, and was abusive. I just pray that every good person out there doesn't go through that inshallah and marry an amazing God fearing person. 

    But Alhamdulilah I was able to divorce him.

  16. 2 hours ago, notme said:

    I don't know your circumstances, but sometimes it's better to be alone for the rest of your life than stuck in a terrible marriage. Even if you can't get divorced, if you are in danger or being oppressed, you need to move out immediately. 

    You are 100 percent right, I was in a very toxic marriage and had to get out.

  17. Salam alaikum,

    I want to divorce my husband but there are no sheikhs where I live that are helping me. I called one sheikh and he told me that it is up to my husband and that it's not in my hands to decide on a divorce. I can't find any other sheikhs because every number leads to a recording.

    Does anyone know any numbers of sheikhs in Canada Ontario who can give me a divorce? Or is there any sheikhs on this site who can do it for me? If not, is there any other way that I can divorce him? 

    Thank you so much

  18. On 2/3/2021 at 11:23 AM, Mahdavist said:

    Wa alaikum as salam

    Some books have already been recommended. My humble suggestion would be to read for the sake of gaining knowledge and closeness to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and not for the purpose of debates/polemics.

    That’s true, silence is better than debating and trying to prove your point. A lot of times it’s about actions and not words, by showing kindness and understanding. 

    I also want to read them to feel confident in what I am following and to feel a stronger connection with Allah. 

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