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In the Name of God بسم الله

RepentantServant

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  1. Earlier today, I posted on my snapchat story saying how God created time and space. He created the phenomenon of causation. Thus, a being that created the universe & the constants that govern it, is not bound by them. And a girl responded to me by saying, ' How can you prove God created time and space. ' In which case I gave her the whole 'He is an unlimited being, while we ourselves are limited. We can't comprehend Him with our limited minds' and that sort of argument. I also mentioned God has no beginning, nor an end etc. (I'm not going to type out my entire response for the sake of time as I'm sure most of you already know & understand what my main argument was). This was all through messages that I saved in our chats, so everything is word for word. I told her I'd take my time to address each of her points directly. And she responded by saying: 'You'll have to elaborate more on what it means for God to have no beginning nor an end. How is it possible? Why do you call the human mind limited? In what way are we limited and why would we? We've created air crafts that cross oceans in hours, we've created technology where we have the whole world in the palm of our hands available for anytime we please. You say we barely understand ourselves and the world around us but how could you say this when we have outstanding scientists, physicists, astrophysicists that have intensely dedicated their lives to understanding how the universe works and how it was created and all their bases are heavily supported by real evidence and proven right time and time again. (With that being said, nothing is ever 100% accurate). With all due respect to your opinions, but your answer or argument is somewhat of an insult to human intellect. There are many things we definitely can not comprehend but the work of all these scientists have gotten us closer and closer to the truth than any other time in the world. And they continue to get closer to the truth and try incredibly hard to make sense of the world which has gotten us very far. You preach we are limited when we constantly push the limits to understand why and how we are here. How is God unlimited? What does that even mean? And I still didn't get a valid answer for how God created time and space. It makes no logical nor scientific sense.' Now I already have many things I could say, but I'd rather hear some ideas and brainstorm. She also mentioned this is a topic she's passionate about, and that she isn't doing this to argue with me, rather she's genuinely asking questions for knowledge.
  2. Salam, This post is more of a venting thing for me, but I'll try to not make it too long. I'm at my breaking point. Literally, I made the decision to stop praying yesterday, but I changed my mind last minute right before bed and decided to pray the day's prayers. I've been super emotional and vulnerable lately, I'm super close to losing my faith and just abandoning it entirely. I just had the worst break down of my life right now, and honestly, I just couldn't find myself able to turn to Allah and ask for forgiveness. I couldn't use that vulnerable moment to speak to Him, or even make any kind of dua. I found myself saying 'no more, I can't do it anymore.' I didn't once turn to Him during this breakdown. Not even a single 'Ya Allah, please help me'. Nope. Nothing was uttered from my mouth. The way I've been and the sins I've committed lately, especially with the faithlessness I've had lately, have convinced me that there is no way Allah would want me anymore. I know that's not true, but I can't seem to convince myself it isn't. Deep down, I'm sure my soul knows that isn't true, but my mind has convinced me it is. I don't know, its hard to explain. but I can't seem to ask for His forgiveness, nor do I honestly really even want to. My relationship with him is destroyed, and I don't think He would be willing to even answer my prayers. I was reading a scholar's tweets right after my breakdown today, that spoke to my exact situation in the exact moment, and it was a clear sign. It said the usual 'Allah hasn't abandoned you' verses. And the 'Allah doesn't burden a soul beyond that it can bare'. And also the 'Allah is eager for sinners to return to Him so he can forgive them'. And again, I know this was a clear sign. But no, I can't seem to care or accept it. I don't know. I feel like its impossible to turn back to Him now. I just don't think He wants me on the straight path anymore. I honestly think I don't think He cares about me anymore, especially not with they way I've been lately, and especially not after making this post, saying all these things. I don't know how else to describe it. I think my time as a mu'min is very numbered now. I also don't think I want to talk to Him. I don't think I want to make dua to Him. I do not want to turn back to Him. This has been going on for far too long and I'm tired of it. I don't want to have faith anymore. I want to stop prayers. But I just can't for some reason, yet nothing is happening. Like its weird, I want to let go completely. I want to stop praying. I want to stop worshipping Allah. I'm just not finding what I'm looking for through Him. I don't know. But I can't seem to let go entirely. I don't know why. I'm at the lowest point in my life and especially in my faith. I want to let go of my faith entirely. But I can't. I wish I didn't have faith. I wish I didn't have faith. I wish I didn't have faith.
  3. “O you who believe! obey Allah and obey the Apostle and those in authority from among you.” (Qur’an, Surah Nisa 4:59) I don't care for doing any of these things to be honest. I'm just doing the bare minimum and that's my 5 daily prayers. That's all. I don't care about that spirituality any more. I've had enough of this repetitive cycle of a regressive life. I'm surprised I'm still hanging on to my prayers.
  4. This makes no sense to me. My life regressing is pure peace, bliss, and happiness? I've read this over and over, but I just don't understand what you're saying.
  5. I don't care for trying to regain that connection with Allah. I've fallen backwards greatly, but I just don't care. I'm not even attempting to try to move forward and become a 'better Muslim'. I don't really care for watching out for my sins. Except eating haram and drinking alcohol. But I'm even kind of on the verge of wanting to drink because my problems aren't going away. Why should I continue down this path of regaining my spirituality when its just a repetitive cycle of going through spiritual struggles, making tawbah, asking for forgiveness, making dua for my needs in life, and nothing ending up happening. Do you know how many times this has happened to me? I can't even count. So I'm just tired of going through this cycle and not having progressed in my life at all. In fact, my life has regressed. My spirituality has regressed. Nothing to be proud of. And I just don't care to keep going. This past Ramadan, I was doing a3mal and it came to the part where you ask for your hajaat, and the Sheikh said that your future will be dictated on that night. Your dua will be answered on that night or whatever. & lol, my life has only regressed. Nothing happened. Just a backwards life. Anyways, I hate to be a pessimist, but everything you have suggested, is the exact opposite of how I feel. I don't want to do any of that, nor do I care. I'm just doing the bare minimum.
  6. Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. I might try out the L-theanine supplement, it seems pretty cool. Aside from that, in all honesty, I have no motivation or care to really work out, or do anything else. I don't care for really doing much to progress. I've lost all motivation and fight in me. And yes, this is my fault and its all on me, but like I said, I just don't care. I have this huge resistance in me to make dua and talk to Allah. And I don't even want to attempt to work on that. I don't care for working on my spirituality right now. I don't care for trying to regain that faith I'm missing. I don't care for any of that. The only thing I'm doing right now, is just the bare minimum ibadaat, like my 5 daily prayers. Other than that, I don't make any dua or anything like that. But it is interesting to see that as much as I feel like I want to stop praying and worshipping Allah entirely, I still do it anyways. Mind you, my prayers aren't as concentrated of course, but again, I just don't care. I'm just doing the bare minimum and going with the flow right now. Thank you again.
  7. Shouldn't spirituality and prayer/worship/ibadaat help? If you watch this video, there is a Latino in here that says once he converted to Islam, all his depression went away. So if becoming close to Allah is the cure for his depression, then what makes me and him so different? Why is his depression cured and not mine? Now I'm not saying it has to be like that, but I'm just trying to point out that there are people who's depression or anxiety is cured because of them comming close to Allah. With that being said, why am I left out? I don't expect you to have the answer at all. I'm just pointing out that I don't think that a counselor will help. What are they really going to do for me? They can't answer my spiritual questions. They can't fill that spiritual gap that I'm missing. They make money off patients comming in. So of course they're going to want to keep me around. I don't think I need a counselor. For me, its more of a spiritual need. My problems can be cured with spirituality. A counselor won't do that. I would much rather have a conversation with a Sheikh. But I don't want to talk to a Sheikh. I'd rather be private about all this. That's why I came on here. But thank you for your response.
  8. Salam everyone. A few months ago in November, I wrote a forum about my stress and what I was going through. Fast forward to today, things have changed. Alhamdulillah I found a job, I've been saving money. Things have been going alright financially and what not. I just want to clarify that I'm 23 years old. I haven't missed a prayer for years. And I don't drink alcohol. In my previous post, I had said that my faith and relationship with Allah was strong. I talked to him a lot and He has done so much for me. I am aware of all this. It was literally within the past 1-2 months where at times, I have been so high on spirituality and worship to Allah, where I was making sure I didn't sin one bit. All I did was listen to Qur'an and dua. I didn't even want to listen to music. I tried not to check out any girls either. I made sure to watch my tongue and not swear. You know what I mean? I was very mindful of even the smallest of things, for Allah's sake. Because the spirituality felt so good. I loved it. I wanted more. And I know that these little things would slowly diminish that. Believe me, I've been there. I've felt spiritual highs before. It was only within the past 2 months, that I've had really high faith and high remembrance of Him. But in the past few days, I've been so restless. My faith and spirituality is being attacked like never before. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm so lost. I'm all over the place. Like yesterday, I was in my room having a breakdown and I was very close to not praying. I started contemplating just stopping my worship and prayer all together. The whispers from Satan are just horrible. The most evil thoughts about my life and Allah were going through my head. Its so weird because it was literally last week where I was crying out to Allah after Ishaa prayer and begging for forgiveness etc. etc. & I was at a spiritual/blissful high. The past couple months I've prayed and cried out to Him & attained beautiful spiritual highs. But then in almost an instant, it all has turned upside down. I feel like I'm not finding what I'm looking for through Allah. Its just a repetitive cycle of crying out to Him, feeling good after for a bit, then a couple weeks later, back to being stressed again. This has happened many times in the past 3 or 4 months. & now it has gotten to the point where I have no more energy to fight it. I'm growing restless. I can't find tranquility. I can't find any peace in me. I'm too stressed for some reason. I don't know why I'm like this. This struggle I'm fighting is draining me. Before when I used to have breakdowns, I can always come to Allah, speak my mind and ask for help. But now, there is this resistance in me. I've been contemplating just stopping my worship and prayer completely, and I know this is wrong. I know that. I know that it isn't the right way to think. I know that. But at the same time, I'm starting to not care anymore. I'm tearing apart inside. I'm so restless. Today after zuhr and asr prayers, it was so hard for me to make dua to Him. I don't know why. I've never felt like this before. I can't even believe that my faith has just turned upside down so quickly. I don't know why I'm like this. A few months ago I was broke, no job, with no direction of a future ahead of me. Then Alhamdulillah, I found a job, and I've been saving money. Things have been going well, and I thought that would be it. But no, for some reason, it isn't enough. Maybe I'm greedy. Maybe I just expect too much. Maybe I keep stressing about not being where I want to be in life. Maybe I'm stressing about my directionless future again. (I don't work any specialized high paying job, its just something to help me get by for now). Its human nature to want more and more. We're never satisfied. I don't know. I'm just torn apart right now. This struggle of mine, is tearing apart my faith. I'm literally hanging on by a thread sometimes. Maybe I'm being tested. Maybe its just me. I don't know. But if I'm being tested, then I'm failing this test for sure. I know I am. I even told Allah today after prayer that I was sorry. I told Him I'm sorry I'm failing this test or whatever it is that's happening. I have very little fight left in me. Its draining me. I'm running out of energy to fight it. I've become so restless. I can't keep my emotions in check. The messed up part is that I keep thinking to myself that if I can't find what I'm looking for through Allah, then I find myself thinking that I'll go through other means. I keep thinking to myself that I'll maybe stop praying and my worship. And I know this is wrong. I know its a very big sin to cut yourself off from the source of all goodness in this universe. I know all of this. Believe me, I do. But at the same time, I'm just so restless. I just don't care anymore. I can't seem to find what I'm looking for. I don't have much in this world and I haven't accomplished much. My faith is all I have. But this struggle of mine is diminishing my faith. I just keep going through this cycle of going through this stress, going to my prayer mat, crying out to Allah, feeling good after for a little bit, then back to the same thing all over again. It just keeps happening again and again. I'm growing restless. I was watching a lecture last night where the Sheikh said to turn your hardship into worship. This is something I've been doing for a while. But for some reason, the past few days, I haven't been doing that. Its been difficult for me to talk to Allah. Its been difficult for me to pull out my prayer mat, and cry out to Him. I used to always do this. Now I just have this resistance in me that has been preventing me from doing so. I watched a lecture last week where the Sayed said that worshiping Allah and praying your Salat is something that will make Allah more likely to answer your dua. I've been praying for years now, I've been making dua for so long about what it is I'm looking for. I haven't had any of that. I just don't get it. And yes, I know that maybe I'm not ready, or it isn't the right time, or I won't be able to handle it and all that. I've heard it all. But at the same time, I just don't understand what He's trying to tell me. I have yet to have any clarity or guidance. I just keep getting more and more restless. I'm not having any peace inside me. I'm honestly on the verge of stopping my worship altogether. I know its wrong, believe me, I do. But I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore. I'm hanging on by a thread. I just don't understand how my faith diminished so quickly. Like Alhamdulillah, sometimes I'm good. But I know it won't last long. I don't know what my body or mind is trying to say. I don't know what's going on with me. I don't know why I am the way I am. I don't know why I'm thinking like this. I don't know why I'm so restless. I don't know why I can't find peace. Its getting really hard to fight these thoughts and evil whispers of Satan. If I'm being tested, then I'm failing and I know it. I remember this Sayed said a good dua to make it to ask Allah for problems that don't diminish your faith. Now again, I don't know if this struggle is from Allah, but this is the first time that I remember, where I'm going through a struggle that is directly attacking my faith. Its diminishing my faith. Its just horrible. I'm being so real with you guys right now, I have no peace in my heart whatsoever. I'm so restless. I'm extremely anxious. When I used to be like this, I'd cry out to Allah and I'd feel a bit better after. But now, I haven't even really cried out to Him like I used to... this is how I know its become bad. I don't know what to do. Me comming on here is like my last cry for help. And yes, I know there are millions of other people in this world who have it way harder, I get that. But at the same time, I just can't seem to get it together. I don't know why I can't seem to win this fight. I don't know why I'm letting Satan win. But I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I'm restless. I'm just so restless. I'm anxious. I'm just so anxious. I can't seem to find any inner peace. My faith is diminishing.
  9. There's a lot of different kinds of people in this world. But I want to speak about only two kinds. The first kind of person is the one who despite your disagreements and differences with them, you both still work things out. You both will still get a long and be friends. These are the type of people who know matter what they say, you can trust, and they reciprocate. Why? Because you know they're good people. You know that no matter what happens, you two will always remain loyal to each other. Even if you two have a problem, or someone says something that the other may not like, you both can work it out and eventually get past it. There is a well respected open line of communication between the two. Maturity plays a big part in it as well. Mature people handle things as mature people should. Without all the fuss. Without letting their emotions overtake them, no matter what (within reason of course). Being a real, loyal, and mature friend is about knowing you both have differences, but being able to work things out despite those differences. Both parties care about how the other feels. Neither is selfish. Because what a selfish person (the second type of person I'd like to talk about) would do, is they only think about themselves. The cut out communication. They don't let the other speak. They think about themselves only. Immaturity is one of the main driving factors of all of this. Because a mature person wouldn't cut out communication. They wouldn't abruptly leave or cut you out over such petty things. And even if the reason was a big deal to them, then the least they can do, is let the other person speak and explain themselves, or at least apologize. Because when you cut someone out like that, especially when you trusted them and gave them your all, it shows immaturity in oneself. It shows an egotistical attitude. It shows their true colors. What is even more astounding to me, is when this 'second type of person', establishes themselves from a position of trust. They say they're going to be there for you no matter what. They listen to you and your problems. They even go out of their way to be there for you, when you don't ask for it. Yet when such a petty and easily fixable situation arises, they cut you out all of a sudden, without giving you the chance to even reply. All they did, was put on a show for you. They get your hopes up, they play with your emotions, and they leave. I mean, don't get me wrong, they can be and act however they will. But they should at least have the decency, maturity and selflessness that they claim to have, to at least let the other person reply back to what you said, and let them explain themselves and even apologize. I'm astonished at how immature people like this are, when they have so much wisdom themselves. Because you see, its really disappointing to see such a talented and gifted person that has so much wisdom, degrade themselves to such a level where they immaturely and abruptly cut you out of their life without giving you the chance to explain yourself. Especially when in all honesty, the situation is so petty. Now don't get me wrong, its their life and they can do what they will. They are their own person and make their own decisions. But like I said, at least have the decency and maturity to let someone respond to what you had to say. I don't think its right to just cut someone out of your life just because you didn't like something they said, or if it made you uncomfortable. Especially if it wasn't meant to be like that. Especially if there were no harmful intentions. Especially if it was not directed at the other party themselves. Especially when you needed them the most. Whatever the problem is, I guarantee its an easy fix. I think its a selfish thing to do. Especially if that person meant a lot to the other party. Did people like this forget how they can make someone feel? Did people like this forget they have the power to bring out the best in other people? Yet all of a sudden they let their really high status go to waste in the other person's eyes, over the pettiest situation? It isn't worth it at all. If they're mad. I understand. If they just don't want to talk to you again, then I understand. Like I said, people make their own decisions. But at least have a heart. Like if your mad, I get it. If you don't want to talk to them anymore, then by all means. But when someone is trying to reach out and apologize, or at least explain themselves... then the other person should be willing to at least hear them out. They don't even need to reply. Just hear them out at least. The way I see it, is this. Its simply immaturity that drives this kind of behavior. These types of people need to grow up a little and experience life. They like the rush and feelings they get, for being the one who is in control. They like being chased. Especially when the other party is trying to reach out, it must be quite the feeling to know that you have an influence on the other person's emotions. These kinds of people like being chased. They like the feeling it brings. It boosts their ego. They have their head up so high, they think they run the place. Like relax. You've already diminished your entire status by doing this. These kinds of people need to check themselves first before they get humbled. Don't walk around this earth so proudly. Don't be arrogant and selfish. Because these people's actions show their true colors. They need to understand that their actions are that of a selfish nature. An ignorant and prideful nature. Because by establishing yourself from a position of trust, gaining people's trust, telling them all these nice little things... and eventually cutting them out for situations so petty, without letting them apologize or explain themselves, and even blocking out the entire line of communication from that person... goes to show their true colors. I'm disgusted at how one can even do that to someone. Especially when they tell them all these things of 'I'm gonna be there for you no matter what'. 'You NEVER have to do things alone'. 'Talk to me WHENEVER you need'. And all these hopes and promises and blah blah blah. Yet you just disconnect yourself from them abruptly, right after they confided in you? Right after they trusted you? Right after they believed every single word you said? This is how you repay them? You don't even let them explain themselves and say sorry? Sad. Just sad. Disappointing. Selfish. Prideful. Like relax. Live life a little. You need to breath some fresh air here. One day these people will realize how immature and young in the head they once were. Because eventually they will learn to grow up. These people don't get to walk on this earth without getting a piece of the other person's mind and how they feel. They don't get to have it their way, although they'd like to think they do. Its not like that. So if you're like this, then contemplate and ponder about the things you've done. Think about how much personal information you received from the other party who trusted you and confided in you, because of the position you established yourself in, and when they needed someone the most. You don't get to establish yourself in such a position, and just walk away for no reason. It isn't right for you to establish yourself in such a high position, gain people's trust, and just walk away over things that are petty. If you hold a high position, then immaturity has no place in it with you. Its not right for you to gain people's trust, and spit right back in their face like it was some sort of game to you. Especially when the situation was laughable and petty. If you can't handle being in a high position like that, then take a step down. Gather yourself up first, and come back when you're ready. You can't be in a position where people look up to you, yet you walk away over the pettiest things. Grow up a little. Don't be selfish. These temporary feelings you get of having influence on another person's emotions and the little high school 'chase' games won't last. The impression you left on others is the only thing that will. So take care of your image. Don't ruin it over petty little things. Never take advantage of people in vulnerable positions. And never make promises you can't keep.
  10. I totally agree with Abu Hadi. From the things you told us, it is all one sided. It makes him seem like such a bad guy when I'm sure you two have your good moments. But at the same time, its a good thing you're seeking help. Although a local Sheikh or family member you trust is better for you guys. I can agree with that. Hope things turn out better for you Insh.
  11. Wow. I honestly hate to have to say this, but it doesn't seem like this marriage is going to work. Not for you at least. He isn't consoling you when you cry. He isn't showing you any interest. He's abusing you emotionally. All these things are so disastrous to your soul and health. You shouldn't have to put up with that. The fact that he said he made a mistake my marrying you is horrid. You can't be with someone like that. My jaw dropped a few times while reading your post. I understand how difficult it may be for you to divorce, but realistically, if I had a wife that ever said that to me, I'd divorce. There is no time to waste. If that is how he feels, then so be it. If he isn't going to give you the attention you deserve, I promise you there will always be another guy out there who will. There are plenty of guys out there who yearn for a woman like you. You seem like such a good hearted woman with pure intentions. Don't let someone like this ruin you. Its bad enough already that he said marrying you was a mistake, let alone all the emotional abuse and hurt he is causing you. I can't stand men like that. Guys like your husband ruin it for the good guys out there. I hate to use these words because I know you care about him. But sometimes you have to listening to your brain, over your heart. If you seen some of these things happen during your engagement to him, then you shouldn't have jump the gun so quick. I hate to say it, but from this perspective, a part of the blame goes to you. So its up to you to fix it. Its not the end of the world though. You can't just keep allowing him to keep bringing you down like this. If whatever your doing isn't working, then change your 'tactic' or whatever. Something has to give. If he doesn't want to open up to you, then thats his problem. You seem like you're doing all that you can. But eventually, enough is enough. Your husband's characteristics are not that of a man. Take care of yourself first. Make sure your okay first. If he's the cause of all your hurt and pain, you have to cut him out. You have to know your worth. You're way more valuable than that. You can't let someone like yourself be brought down by someone like him. Eventually, enough is enough. If he is going through his own personal issue that he's not telling you about, or whatever it is that's causing him to be like this, then you have to understand that a marriage involves two people. Not one. And I know that you know this, but he doesn't seem to understand. He should be talking to you about his problems, or at least opening up to you. And since he's not doing either, then he clearly isn't responsible enough to be in a marriage. Its so irresponsible of him to cut you out like this. If he has his own problems going on in his head, so be it. But he should not be dragging you down with him. A virtuous husband would try his best to make sure his wife doesn't go through what he's going through. I don't need to get into details about the characteristics of a virtuous husband, but a virtuous husband is someone your husband isn't. Now I'm not saying he has to be an Imam or anything like that, but its just so despicable to see him treating you this way. You deserve better. If you need to let go, then let go. I've seen woman in relationships with men like him, and they all started living better lives after they ended it. Sometimes its the most difficult thing to do, but it may just be the right thing to do. I could be wrong about all of this and you could potentially save your marriage, who knows. But its going to take some serious effort on his end. If he cares about you and your guys' marriage, he will take the necessary steps to better your relationship. You cannot let this emotional abuse keep happening. Something needs to change. Treat yourself right. Take care of yourself first. If he isn't willing to be there for you, then I guarantee there will be another guy who will.
  12. There is a reason Allah introduces Himself to humanity in every chapter of the Quran by saying "In the Name of God. The Lord of Mercy. The Giver of Mercy". Allah is more Merciful to His creation than a mother is to her new born infant. Think about that. Your heart keeps breaking because you keep loving the things the way you're supposed to love Allah. He is the only beloved who never breaks the hearts of His lovers. If you think that you won't be forgiven because of the things you do, then you don't understand Allah. He is the most perfect. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows about problems that you have, that you don't even know you have. He knows what you're going through at all times. The fact that you're even wanting to come back to Allah is a blessing in itself. A lot of people don't get that chance or that feeling. Allah says in the Quran that he guides whomever He wills, and He leaves astray whomever He wills. So if you are feeling you want to come back, that is a blessing that you should take advantage of. Allah is most forgiving. No doubt you will be forgiven if you are sincere. Remember, every rakkah you pray, Allah erases away some of your bad deeds. So by default, you will already be having some of your sins removed each time you pray. Both heaven and hell were made for sinners. Rather heaven was made for repentant sinners. I have done many bad and major sins myself, including all the ones you just mentioned, and more, and I still continue to sin. (I stopped drinking over a year ago). But you know what, that doesn't stop me from doing my five daily prayers. I wake up for fajr every day. I do Salatul Layl whenever I can. I read at least 10 ayahs of the Quran everyday. I listen to Quran and dua. < ---- I do all of this, all while continuing to sin. You remind me of myself. I've done all the things you have done, and more, yet I'm still praying, reading Quran, doing tasbeeh, remembering Allah, asking for forgiveness etc. etc. etc. Now, one might be wondering how can someone do all those sins, and still be religious, still have a connection to Allah, still read Quran, and all that stuff. Its because I understand Allah. I understand that He is Most forgiving. No matter how many bad sins you commit, He is always there for you. He will never abandon you. Some connection to Allah is better than no connection to Allah. Am I right? The reason I'm telling you that about myself is because if I can do it, then believe me, so can you. Without a shadow of the slightest doubt. No matter how bad you may think you are, you can still do your religious obligations. Allah loves it when we turn back to Him. Its better than never turning to Him. So don't worry, if someone like myself who has done all that you have done & more, is still doing his religious obligations, and having a connection with Him... then of course you can to. You just need to be sincere. So my advice to you, is go make wudu, go do a two rakkah prayer, and when you're done, have an honest conversation with Allah. Let Him know how you feel. Let it all out. Its okay to cry. Sometimes you just need to release all your emotions. Cry it out, plead with Him. Ask for forgiveness. Its not good to hold things up inside. Yes He knows how you feel, but its better that you speak about it yourself. He loves it when you speak to Him. There is a sense of spiritual calmness and blissfulness that you feel when you speak to Him. Allah can be your best friend. And what better friend can anyone have, than the Almighty Himself. You will be fine. I was once in your position, and Alhamdulillah, here I am. And I am no where near perfect. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. It is never too late to turn back. You just have to be sincere.
  13. Wow. I honestly hate to have to say this, but it doesn't seem like this marriage is going to work. Not for you at least. The fact that he said he made a mistake my marrying you is horrid. You can't be with someone like that. My jaw dropped a few times while reading your post. I understand how difficult it may be for you to divorce, but realistically, if I had a wife that ever said that to me, I'd divorce. There is no time to waste. If that is how he feels, then so be it. If he isn't going to give you the attention you deserve, I promise you there will always be another guy out there who will. There are plenty of guys out there who yearn for a woman like you. You seem like such a good hearted woman with pure intentions. Don't let someone like this ruin you. Its bad enough already that he said marrying you was a mistake, let alone all the emotional abuse and hurt he is causing you. I can't stand men like that. Guys like your husband ruin it for the good guys out there. I hate to use these words because I know you care about him. But sometimes you have to listening to your brain, over your heart. If you seen some of these things happen during your engagement to him, then you shouldn't have jump the gun so quick. I hate to say it, but from this perspective, a part of the blame goes to you. So its up to you to fix it. Its not the end of the world though. You can't just keep allowing him to keep bringing you down like this. If whatever your doing isn't working, then change your 'tactic' or whatever. Something has to give. If he doesn't want to open up to you, then thats his problem. You seem like you're doing all that you can. But eventually, enough is enough. Your husband's characteristics are not that of a man. Take care of yourself first. Make sure your okay first. If he's the cause of all your hurt and pain, you have to cut him out. You have to know your worth. You're way more valuable than that. You can't let someone like yourself be brought down by someone like him. Eventually, enough is enough. If he is going through his own personal issue that he's not telling you about, or whatever it is that's causing him to be like this, then you have to understand that a marriage involves two people. Not one. And I know that you know this, but he doesn't seem to understand. He should be talking to you about his problems, or at least opening up to you. And since he's not doing either, then he clearly isn't responsible enough to be in a marriage. Its so irresponsible of him to cut you out like this. If he has his own problems going on in his head, so be it. But he should not be dragging you down with him. A virtuous husband would try his best to make sure his wife doesn't go through what he's going through. I don't need to get into details about the characteristics of a virtuous husband, but a virtuous husband is someone your husband isn't. Now I'm not saying he has to be an Imam or anything like that, but its just so despicable to see him treating you this way. You deserve better. If you need to let go, then let go. I've seen woman in relationships with men like him, and they all started living better lives after they ended it. Sometimes its the most difficult thing to do, but it may just be the right thing to do. Treat yourself right. Take care of yourself first. If he isn't willing to be there for you, then I guarantee there will be another guy who will.
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