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In the Name of God بسم الله

Zellali

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Posts posted by Zellali


  1. 6 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

    Men like this are not limited to Muslims—abusive family members are everywhere, and transcend any nationality, culture, race. 

     have a difficult father—yes he has provided for us beyond what anyone would do for his children, but he’s largely bad at empathy (because my grandmother, his mom, is like that and worse.) and he’s just awful to be around. He manipulates and plays games, delays things and/or doesn’t do them, is extremely disrespectful and condescending. You have no idea. In public, people think he’s a class-act and is respectful and courteous. At home, he’s an entirely different person. 

    You can only focus on yourself. Your parents have made the choice to stay, be it for financial or maintaining “respect” within the community—whatever the reason, at least you’ll be aware of the red flags for when you choose your own partner so this cycle will no longer repeat. And that’s all you can do.

    Oh my, wow. Spot on. Your dad should meet mine. It'll be like: 

    images (17).jpeg


  2. 5 hours ago, Zaid Bin Ali said:

    She can’t divorce him because she is Sunni. In the country where I live in, woman does not have right to divorce if she marries a man who is from different sect. My father is not religious, he insults Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) when we need something from him or when he lose in a game. Plus he is religious infront of other people. 

    Gosh this is so annoying. What the hell does it mean the country stops the woman from divorce? That's ridiculous. It's a right from Allah, not government. This is why Islam is viewed so disrespectfully. Again, I'm sorry for the situation you are in :( maybe one day one of you kids can grow up and take your mom to another country and get a citizenship, and then file for divorce through that government? 


  3. 9 hours ago, Guest tinny said:

    There's this bizarre pressure in youth to move out at 18. I don't know why, even I was like this. There really is no valid pressure to move out of the nest, a family is a very valuable resource and if you don't absolutely have to, you shouldn't move. I felt that moving out was just one of those things that you had to do, like getting a job or going to the dentist, but now I know it isn't. My reason was that I wanted to "spread my wings and and see the world", which is kind of valid, but I'm not sure if I believe myself. And of course the "adult LOSER that STILL lives with his mother" insult doesn't help. 

    I don't think this pressure exists. And moving out is usually coupled with marriage, which is recommended to do as early as you can; before college, before getting a job, before buying a house. I don't take that quote to mean we should move out alone.

    Now we're in tinfoil hat territory, but I think this pressure is engineered by the villains of the world, with the goal of weakening the bonds of family, which weakens society, which weakens our morals, which therefore makes us more susceptible to satanic shenanigans. And considering all the LGBT propaganda, it appears to me that there really is an agenda to weaken families.

    I agree. This sounds very wholesome and true. I believe that it is an agenda. However there's a pressure to never leave here, "till marriage". And honestly that messes it up for alot of young women. Also the situation where it's like your a cattle(women) in between hyenas (men) is impossible to over turn unless we stand up for it together. But I don't see that changing in the next decade either. I'm from the south east. 


  4. 6 hours ago, OrthodoxTruth said:

    For Iraqis, it is unimaginable for a girl to live independently outside of her home household without being married. As long as she isn’t married, she lives under the same roof as her wali, be it her father or a brother. Anyone has any religious rulings from the maraji’ on non-married women living independently? I’ve never heard of permissibility of such. 

    Exactly the same here. I'm from Pakistan but this situation can also be related to other South Asian or even Western countries where Muslims live. 


  5. 1 hour ago, BowTie said:

    Magic on him? are you from Africa?

    Other than that. I don’t know why many people give advice about patience when they’re not the ones hurting. But I tied your other topic with this one. Makes sense. 

    Kind of made me laugh. From Pakistan. By magic I don't mean Hocus pocus. But I think you know what I mean when I wrote what he said. 

    Exactly. It's so easy to say, ignore them. Be patient. For what? Till they stop saying " I fear Allah and that's only the reason why I don't go further, or else" and actually end up finishing 'or else'? 

    Thank you. For understanding. 


  6. 2 hours ago, Guest Nani-Amma said:

    Sorry to hear of your situation. Here are a few things you could do:

    1. Do not event think of moving out. At least in your home, under an oppressive man, your body, livelihood, honor, physical health, lodging is covered and protected. The moment you get out, you would be a game for all men out there.

    2. If you have to, could you move to any of your maternal or paternal uncle or aunt, say in a different city, on the pretext of studying in a different college? 

    3. Try to learn to “see but not watch and hear but not listen”. Learn to ignore things. Learn to not hang on to bad words. Learn to brush off the things that could potentially give heartburns. Learn to not think of the negatives and instead focus on your studies, making a career, keeping up with your health, so once you get out of that house, you are fully prepared to take on the world on your terms, without being in the vulnerable situation. 

    Your mom and dad are a couple, let them deal with however they are dealing with each other. You just keep your end of the deal, meaning they are your parents and deserve your respect from you .. ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF Allah. Also remember their is always “ease after hardship”, it’s a promise of Allah in Qur’an and it’s repeated twice as if Allah is consoling the battered souls like yourself. 

    3. Yes there are Duas to safeguard yourself from oppression, mental torture, or physical assault. I won’t know how much time would you have, but if you have 7-10 extra minutes after every wajib salat, and I’ll post it here? 

    1.  Yes I know. I couldn't do it here anyways. It was a very emotional and quick decision to think of such a solution but I couldn't ever carry out with it. Mainly because of the reasons you've named. 

     

    2. Nope. We live in one of the best cities of the country and I don't have any close relatives in the other major cities. 

     

    3. Yes. I have been ignoring. For 18 years. It's so easy to say "let them handle it" it's what my best friend tells me. It's not easy to see your mother's reputation be dragged through the mud by someone who you look like, by someone whose own flesh and blood you are. It's not easy to see her walk out of the washroom pretending she didn't just silently cry her heart out in there. It's not easy to see her do everything right, and much Much much much more, and still be treated like a donkey. Even they're respected and given rewards. All she's given is pain. He does this openly infront of us, what does he do behind closed doors? 

     

    4. Yes I have time. I always have time. Please post it 


  7. 6 hours ago, starlight said:

    I left him. It wasn't easy but things had gone to a point where I feared I would lose my sanity and I knew I couldn't continue anymore. I have two kids who live with me and while things haven't been easy generally, I feel I am in a far better place mentally and emotionally as compared to when I was living with him. We have our share of problems, rather more lolz but everyday Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) sends lots of blessings and help my way too so we are managing Alhumdollilah. 

    Mashallah. I'm so proud of you. I know this might sound a little silly coming from a young person, but honestly I am so proud of you. Its not easy, at first. But like the truth is difficult to say in the beginning, but later it brings peace, getting out of a bad situation is difficult at first, and then it only brings you peace. 

    I hope you and your children live happily ever after, and that they all have bright and happy futures. I completely agree about the fact that you could have lost your sanity. And not only yours, your kids would be loosing theirs too. 

    Happy to hear your situation,❤️❤️


  8. 7 hours ago, Bakir said:

    God guides whoever He wants. Focus on yourself instead, otherwise you are just losing valuable time.

    Your father has an education that is hard to get rid of. Before keeping on, I would only like to point out that, even though your opinion on that woman that seemed careless towards her kid is pretty much valid, it is ALSO valid for the father. A kids' well being, good presence, etc., is not exclusively a woman's responsibility.

    As for his behaviour, when we speak of a man who beats his wife, we can automatically leave religion aside. It's a mirage. Arabs and traditionally Muslim cultures love to talk about Islam and love to publically side with traditional Islamic customs, but when we look at facts, we can't care any less. So it's normal that your community reacts like that towards a divorce, but they wouldn't be so picky (and retards) if it affected their closest ones.

    Economic dependence is one thing, but if the only thing stopping you guys from divorce is your public image, you aren't living your lives nor being your true selves, and that may turn into psychological problems in the best of cases.

    Take much care.

    For my mom it's both, for me it's financial. 

    And yes of course I do work on myself. I'm not a perfect Muslim but I try my best. I'm even thinking of starting to wear head covering. (I wear a dupatta sometimes on my head). 

    The point of the post was that sometimes we are Allah for help through prayers, but we can also ask for help in other ways. Like you know how some aunties are always reciting something and then they ask for dua. Just like there are duas for marriage, or success, I meant is there something specific like that for my situation. Because I'm not the first nor the last one whose going through this. 

     

    And I agree wholly. We love to cut and paste and follow the new way we've created. For me, for years I kept telling myself I feel more confident without a headscarf, but it wasn't confidence, it was more about the insecurity I felt towards the rest of my body and I felt like my hair could cover that. I changed my mind very recently and agree that head covering is difficult but important to a part of our growth. The problem in our culture or countries or societies is no one is ready to learn. Everyone listens to reply, not to understand and learn. 


  9. 8 hours ago, Zaid Bin Ali said:

    Hi Zellali. I understand how you feel. I was raised with a toxic father. He is alcoholic, adultery, sexist, racism and more importantly, he doesn’t fear Allah. He always says that my mother is a witch because she is Asian. He treated her in disrespect way, told to his family that my mother is a bad woman. And you know what’s the big problem, she can’t divorce him. She always make dua, and he always suffer from it. Ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for help, he is the only one who knows how you feel, and he can help you. 

    Lastly, I’m so sorry to see how you feel. Inshallah he understand what life is. After all, no one in benifial to him except Allah and his family.  

    I'm so sorry for what happened. If you don't mind me asking, why can't she divorce him? I strongly urge my mother to do so after my youngest is done with his studies. I don't want her to suffer anymore. I don't care if it seems like we're just using my father for financial benefit. It wouldn't be like this it her were a good honest person. 

    I honestly wish my father wasn't so religious, so I had something to back me up when I tell my friends or family members of this situation. 


  10. 9 hours ago, Isaam said:

    I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Keep praying. God is the the best of planners. Keep coming online on Shiachat it might help. Maybe try talking to some people at the mosque.

    Thank you. It means alot. I will keep praying. And shiachat does help. However I'm a female and here females don't go to the mosque. It's just school or the house. It's so dukl


  11. 10 hours ago, Badrino said:

    sala alkum sister 

    maybe you father is affected by evil eye of your mother or brother or sister o you or any of you maybe Allah allem 

    do wudu, with water of wudu of you Wudu wash his head ..may Allah heal him 

    He's a religious man, in a stereotypical way. He reads namaz and Qur'an e paak daily. And it would be amazing to see what you mean by evil eye from my mom, since it's so amazing her evil eye is causing him to disrespect her. Amazing. Blame it on some mystical thing while the man does wudu everyday. Not saying I don't believe in evil eye, but there's nothing my dad is better at than my mother for her to look at him and feel anything that would give him evil eye. (Where I live, it's usually because someone is jealous or greedy and look at people with wrong intentions). 

    From his sister, we really think it's her. She keeps pushing and pushing saying that her son is some "Pir" (reads verses and rids of evil eye) and that our house is in dire need of it. Before she started saying this everything was fine and then suddenly everything went down hill. That's also one of the reasons why he thinks my mom is doing something to him. Of course, the woman who even after suffering so much, tells her kids to respect and obey their father, who doesn't show to her kids how he treats her, is the wrong one in his eyes. 

     


  12. 51 minutes ago, starlight said:

    Wish I could give you a big hug. Your father sounds just like my ex husband so I can understand what your Mum must have gone through. 

    Should I tell you something honestly? This probably isn't going to end. You should somehow learn to live with it. We all have tests in our lives and this is yours. I know it seems unbearable right now but if you pray to Allah things WILL get easier. The circumstances might not change much but you will be better at accepting them and dealing with them. 

    I cannot recommend any specific duas for this but I would suggest you read dua Mukaram ul Ikhlaq. 

    How did you get through it? How did you end up leaving him? Did you have any kids? What happened to them or how are they now? I have accepted the reality. But I wanted to give it a shot. 


  13. Assalamualaikum, 

     

    My dad's been sick for two weeks.

    The day he got sick, one of my moms co-workers was getting divorce because her husband is leaving with another lover. (Yes this is relevant please keep reading) She was devastated so everyone was comforting her. Another one of my mom's coworker friends called her to see where she was because she wanted to go to the lady and console her.

    My mom said she was in the car with my dad. Of course dad asked who it was, what they wanted, what happened (in a negative tone, the usual ) and then when my mom told him, his answer was "that's what happens to women who care more about their social life than their home life." (I partially agree but only towards this one lady, because I remember her son used to be in first grade and all the time his nose would be running, he would be wearing old, torn uniform, and his hair would be disheveled, and they're bloody rich so it wasn't an issue like that (her job is apart of her social life. She only does it for her friends. Which is completely fine but it's not fine how she treated her kid and ignored his needs)) 

    Anyways, my mom didn't reply. However, this gave him a chance to of course bring her into this   saying all these women working in this particular place, this is how they turn out to be ( of loose character) , blah blah. The husband is leaving, not her. Shes devastated. He's abandoning his kids too so how is he any better? He kept spewing ill words to the work place  (my mom is a , teacher. A teacher. Of first graders. ) Of course my mom didn't take that for long and asked him what he meant. Causing the fight because "he's never wrong". 

    Now he says" I got sick on the day of the fight. Means I got sick because of you" (at my mom) saying my mom has done black magic on him because they had a fight 2 weeks ago.

    I'm done. Honestly, I don't know how she can talk to him straight face. I'm so done. I hate him. I don't care what he provides for, what he does, because he does it as a "religious duty" From God. Not because he's our father, I'm sure he believes he loves us, but I don't want this love.

     

    I'm done because this is honestly a normal thing to happen every 1-2 months. Im sick and tired of it. After all this, nawozobillah, if my mom were to actually do something wrong, I wouldn't even care. I'd still side with her. He doesn't deserve her. At all. I've taken this for 18 years. Came in between when it used to get physical till I was 14. It only stopped being physical not because he started fearing God or because he thought he was morally wrong but because my brothers started calling him out on it and he got scared they might spill to someone out of the family or worse, leave him in old age. If he thinks they're going to keep him in old age, he's in for one hell of a ride later. 

    But Im done. However my mom can't leave him due to financial issues. I'm 18, I have three younger brothers (13, 10 and 9). And here divorce is "ASTAGHFIRULLAH HOW DARE SHE". 

    So, is there any way that I can read something, and secretly pray that actually works and changes him. Anything anyone has actually seen work? Like we're asked to read "nasrum minallahe wa fata un Kareem" when we want to be successful or repeat some specific word. Can someone tell me something for my situation? 

     

    Jazakallah Khair. 


  14. 45 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

    Some men will then start to make assumptions and draw conclusions about the character of this lady based on her living situation. None of these assumptions are a positive for her

    Well I guess the trash takes itself out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. just kidding

    Thank you for this response though.  It really helps in decision making. I couldn't find posts about these kind of questions in a Shia forum so I'm hoping it helps someone else too and this response was a perfect way to put everything in perspective before a decision. 


  15. 11 hours ago, Ali~J said:

    Usually, you would just finish your education, get your job, save up for a house and move out. In the case of some people, they will get married to someone during university years or after when they were saving up money and then they would just move in together. 

    I see no problem with a woman living on her own but it's better to be married, as it's highly recommended in Islam and it can provide financial help and someone there for you... 

    If you're earning money and you don't want to move out it only seems appropriate to pay rent to your parents, but it would be better to save some money and move out rather than that... 

    Yeah but is it allowed to separate from your parents without their permission? If you're earning enough to pay for rent and basic needs? 

    Her argument was based on this question we came across the internet, 

    https://www.seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-an-unmarried-young-woman-live-alone/ 

    Except here the two sisters are moving out together, so is it okay even if it was just one of the sisters moving out on her own. And after what age can this be done? How was the response of the person on the website (Sunni). 

    Can someone site sources to say it's okay to do this? 


  16. I'm an 18 year old female, and in the future I might be living away from home for university and then maybe a job. 

    One of my friends (also Shia) says that after a certain age of maturity we should be able to live our own life without asking our parents for permission and burdening them. That we should get a job and move elsewhere (even during university or for university). I don't have an issue personally (neither do my parents) on that part, but they believe that if only I'm going abroad for my studies it would be fine. And I know alot of you are going to say that that's not allowed for a girl either, okay I get it. But that's not the topic at hand right now.  

    I don't know how to answer her. Like is it allowed to live independently? Does it have to include your parents permission? If the guys can do it, why can't the women?

    (I'm not saying this out of "EQUALITY FOR ALL", because I know why there can't be complete equality and it's ridiculous to believe so. It's more of a "why" the difference) 

    Also, what if you come from an abusive household and leaving there is better for you to keep your sanity. Should the girl still stay? And no, no family member is willing to help, no community people, no marja. Just you. So what then? Just endure it, like they've endured it for the rest of their life, until marriage?

    (I'm so against the enduring part, the "have patience" part. I've seen so many women in my life suffer for no reason. Literally they could get out, but there's no support other than themselves. So I'm really hoping no one says that)


  17. On 8/5/2018 at 5:01 AM, aleena1904 said:

    @Carlzone yes ofcourse. I just find it logically almost impossible due to population etc. We just need to focus on the fact that we are all human and that’s one thing which pulls us together. 

    We are so fortunate that we had the Prophets and Imams and their history is relatively well documented. And whatever race their spouses/ children/ companions are/ were its irrelevant.

    Definitely you're right. I was being curious, not trying to set a ground for which Prophet to believe in. Jazakallah khair. 

     

     


  18. On 8/2/2018 at 4:40 AM, Carlzone said:

    I'm sad to read your question as it makes me think that there are darkskinned people who wish that there was a darkskinned Prophet in order to feel ok about themselves. 

    There is much racism in the world but don't let such things get to you. Your skincolour doesnt determine your worth. Only taqwa does.

    I'm actually not black. I'm , tan? Haha anyways the question was as in inquiry since a friend asked. I was being a curious person since there seem to be a lot of movies about Prophets (even in Arabic) and theyre white. Just curious, don't worry I'm not being discriminatory. No needto take it so negatively. Jazakallah khair 


  19. On 7/12/2018 at 2:47 PM, Mzwakhe said:

    Salam,

    "Mankind is a single nation. So Allah raised Prophets as bearers of good news and as warners. . ." (The Holy Qur'an 2:213)

    "And those who believe in Allah and His messengers and make no distinction between any of them (in belief), to them He will grant their rewards." (4:152)

    "And certainly We raised in every nation a messenger, saying: Serve Allah and shun the devil." (16:36)

    so are you looking for a sub Saharan black Prophet? Do not think like that, pls. Rather think of Prophets refining morals.

    ws

    No I don't. I was wondering because a friend asked. I never said anything and cetainly don't mean it in a racist way. lol. Why would you even think that??

     


  20. 45 minutes ago, notme said:

    You've misunderstood what I said. 

    A toxic person should not be allowed to control another person's life, but that doesn't prevent the daughter from being kind to and maintaining some appropriate level of communication with her. She is an adult and must live her own life hey own way, but cutting ties with parents, even bad ones, is strongly discouraged in Islam. The OP should distance herself only to the extent necessary to maintain hey sanity and safety, not cut ties entirely. 

    What do you think? The mothers going to let it be like that? I strongly urge that she gets evidence of her mother's ugly side and shows it the rest of the family. If she doesn't cut ties, the grandmother won't hesitate to take over the kids and since OP is so distressed, she might succeed. 


  21. 1 minute ago, Zellali said:

    Found the mom. (It's a joke)

     

    For God's sake stop spreading this message. You'll be the reason for their unhappiness and even more distance from religion. 

     

    For OP, PLEASE don’t GO BACK TO HER. Also, your husband has failed you. Just like your mother. You seem educated, enough that you previously had a job. Get back at it. (I'm hoping you already work since your husband was in debt? If not, find a way to save up money for rent. File for khula soon and leave the husband. He doesn't deserve you. 

    You have this right for a reason. If you stay in this marriage, it'll cause you harm, it'll make things worse. I would even suggest counseling but it's not for free, so id suggest getting away from this whole situation first.  Also please take your siblings and other family members into confidence. 

    I'm Hoping that they support you, but if they don't, forget them. If they won't respect your decision to save yourself they don't deserve respect from you. 

     

    This is coming from a child of an abusive household. I tell my mom Everytime, if she'd left my dad when he showed signs of emotional and physical abuse when I was young (everything that I also witnessed) I wouldn't have ever questioned her decisions, knowing fully well how I used to scream as a 3 year old child to let my mother go when my father would do this. 

     I'm scared it might get abusive.  I'm hoping you have the courage, never forget there are other people who don't need to be blood family, but can become family. 

    May Allah help you and give you courage (not sabr, because that gets you no where in situations like these. No one changes, not even after a lifetime).

     

     

    Sorry I didn't read the part about you leaving your husband. But I would strongly suggest you get away from them and get a khula.  

     


  22. On 5/2/2019 at 9:51 PM, notme said:

    Parents are human and make mistakes. It's best that you forgive her and try to keep contact with her. You are an adult, you make your own life choices now, but respect and love for parents benefits you too. 

    If she won't speak with you, send her emails or letters occasionally, just for the sake of maintaining contact. You can only live your life, you can't control other people. 

    Found the mom. (It's a joke)

     

    For God's sake stop spreading this message. You'll be the reason for their unhappiness and even more distance from religion. 

     

    For OP, PLEASE don’t GO BACK TO HER. Also, your husband has failed you. Just like your mother. You seem educated, enough that you previously had a job. Get back at it. (I'm hoping you already work since your husband was in debt? If not, find a way to save up money for rent. File for khula soon and leave the husband. He doesn't deserve you. 

    You have this right for a reason. If you stay in this marriage, it'll cause you harm, it'll make things worse. I would even suggest counseling but it's not for free, so id suggest getting away from this whole situation first.  Also please take your siblings and other family members into confidence. 

    I'm Hoping that they support you, but if they don't, forget them. If they won't respect your decision to save yourself they don't deserve respect from you. 

     

    This is coming from a child of an abusive household. I tell my mom Everytime, if she'd left my dad when he showed signs of emotional and physical abuse when I was young (everything that I also witnessed) I wouldn't have ever questioned her decisions, knowing fully well how I used to scream as a 3 year old child to let my mother go when my father would do this. 

     I'm scared it might get abusive.  I'm hoping you have the courage, never forget there are other people who don't need to be blood family, but can become family. 

    May Allah help you and give you courage (not sabr, because that gets you no where in situations like these. No one changes, not even after a lifetime).

     

     

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