Almuslimah

Salam aleykom!! I'll go directly to my question. I am not looking for right or wrong type of answer, I just want to hear your opinions inshAllah. So the thing is this: I have been married previously. We have been divorced for long time now. When I married him, I took his surname. Now I am still using it even after divorce. Now I am getting married soon after muharram again inshAllah with Sayid. As he is a Sayid, his surname is "sayid-surname" (like musavis,husseynis and so on). My "problem" is this: should I continue to use my current surname (the one i got from my previous marriage) or would it be ok to take my new husbands Sayd-surname (i myself am NOT Sayid)? My (soon-to-be) husband told me both are fine for him. My maiden name is not an option so please just opinions about those two options that I wrote up there. Thank you.

That doesnt seem right to me. I dont think there is anything supporting this claim in islam. I think your mother is just afraid of losing you, her little daughter. She accepts your marriage but doesnt accept the fact that you are now adult or something like that. Does your father know what your mother is planning? I mean about trying to get you and your husband moving in with them. Also I was thinking your marriage might be hard for your mother to adapt to if you are first child who got married. In islam we should respect our parents but marriage is half of deen. You are their daughter but you are now your husbands wife. I think that is your priority now. Your parents/mother should let you peacefully start to live life as married woman. You could try speak with your mother that marriage is half of ones deen and you need to make your husband priority. Tell your parents you love them and you will always be their daughter but you are now also wife. Tell them that married woman is called rabbatul bait, queen of home. Meaning that you are responsible of your own household now. Is it possible for you and your husband to spend more time with your husbands family? Then when your parents ask you to come again you could say that you are meeting with husbands family. That could help them understand that you are now also part of your husbands family. I understand that newlyweds want to spend as much as possible time together. Of course you want, its natural. Is it possible for you and your husband to go for a little holiday somewhere out of your city? That would also give you some time together and maybe help your mother understand that you are now married woman and have your own married life. Maybe with time your mother will adapt to new situation and wont "bother" (sorry for using this word, i couldnt come up with another one but you inshallah get my point ) you. Also I suggest you and your husband both together speak with your mother. InshAllah things will get better soon Have sabr.

Salam! You have received many good advices mashAllah. I also would say dont divorce. Think about how much your husband cares about you. He also seems to have had (might still have) strong desire to have children. He also hurts. He might feel quilty and deep sadness. I bet he feels sad for both of you. But you two have mashAllah strong marriage. Fertility treatments are not easy and only strong ones keep up and can support themselfs and spouse, just like your husband mashAllah did. You have been married for long time. You have been walking all this way together in hard and easy times. I understand that you want to be mother. Think about adopting. If you would get divorced it wouldnt be guaranteed that you would even get married again. Atleast not with a man as good as your current husband. Think about all the good things in your marriage. How much he loves you. This hard road of infertility has only made you two even stronger together. We plan but Allah is the best of planners (Quran 8:30). Marriage is half of deen and your husband can be your ticket to Jannah. Hold on to that because in Jannah you can have everything you want, even children. Therein are brought round for them trays of gold and goblets, and therein is all that souls desire and eyes find sweet. And ye are immortal therein (43:71)

Salam! Keep up with life around you, specially if you live in west, drop twitter I have been in west since I was child and still I am practising muslim alhamdulillah

exactly!!

Thanks for your opinions. Guys, this was just question. I just wanted to hear your opinions. I am not living in this kind of situation at all but someone I know is. In the country this is happening goverment is legally obligated to give monthly money for the one who is not working even his/her spouse would have salary, of course in that case the nonworking spouse gets smaller ammount of money since the government calcutates spouses income and their expenses together. That money is for ones basic needs. Its european country (non islamic country), so they dont fully expect ones spouse to alone pay from his/hers salary all familys living costs. Also if they would have children, those children also would receive own money starting from day they were born until they become 17 years old. This "childmoney" is norm here and is automatically provided to you no matter if you work or no. I didnt come here to talk about doing any haram or to upset anyone. I just wanted to hear some opinions about case where husband doesnt want to provide fully for his wife even he could. I am sorry to hear about situation in uk and I totally agree it being haram to wrong use the system and lie. This Couple i was talking about is not telling lies to coverment since their marriage is registered and they officially live together. Also husband is officially working and pays tax and coverment knows about his salary and every month before they pay wife the money they want receipts from both of their bank accounts to calcutate does wife need financial support anymore. I havent asked her why she is every month applying for money from coverment. Maybe because her husband is demanting her to pay half of the rent and she doesnt know even language of the country (cant find job and dont have education --> has only income from government). I think husband is wrong because he is islamicly obligated to provide for her. Also if he would provide for her she wouldnt need to apply every month for government money.

Salam sister! Welcome to Islam! Sister you are so blessed to be a convert and to be in the right path. Be brave when you go to those Shia Islamic centers near you. I am sure once you tell them you are new convert you will have many new friends inshAllah (if Allah wills). Usually all Muslims love new converts and will gladly help you in learning more. May Allah help you find good community of Shias and have success in life. May Allah strenghten your faith and always keep you guided, amin.

I totally agree with you @Abu Hadi and @Ani.

Assalaamu aleykom! This is just something that I have been thinking, so this following case is just example. I'll straight to the bisness: There is a muslim woman and man, they are married and live together. Husband works and is financially stable. Couple is living in european country ,where the wife (since not working) , is receiving social benefit money that is notably smaller than husbands salary. They dont have children. They are living in rental apartment. Husband has a good salary from work. Husband has started to ask wife to pay from her social money half of rent. What do you think? Is it fair from husband to ask this? In my opinion it isnt since husband is obligated to provide and wife already might be buying from her own money some food and her own clothing. It would be nice to receive both men and women opinions here. Jazakallah khair

Yes. There was one witness present. I am sure its valid, also according to Sistani (https://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2346/) Also we made our marriage public,we announced it to all family and friends. I mean everyone knows we are married. I am sure Ayatollah Sistani wouldnt have made that fatwa without knowledge and proof from Islam. So no, we didnt get info from other place. It was hard to get married here because of lack of mosque and Sheikh, so we did it like Sistani allowed.

Allah only knows his intentions, my own guess is no, its not about residence permit/documents. Because I think if it was all just because of that, he wouldnt use violence and be so angry or controlling. If he wanted just documents wouldnt he try to be nice and sweet with me and not make anything that upsets me and makes me think of divorce until his residence permit comes? And also I think he wouldnt have introduce me to his family if that would be his niyya. Also in this country if he takes residence permit because of marriage to citizen and then after that divorces, he will lose residence permit if couple didnt have children.

Thank you so much for understanding. No, I dont have any certificate. So how about then if i would choose to leave? I cant just leave with niyya of divorcing him, can I? Its hard to get divorced since we arent officially married and there is no Sheikh or alim or even mosque at our country and because he is not going to give me divorce. How about if I just leave him and leave for him my mahr? Would that count as divorce then islamicly?

No no, its not mutah. We just dont have any change to get married officially yet anywhere because of his lack of id/passport but he has been in contact with his family to get id from his homecountry. He is in this country as asulym seeker. Its like refugee. I myself have nationality of this country. This is what we did with him (marriage formula that we used ): ""2377. If a woman and a man themselves want to recite the formula of permanent marriage, the woman should first say: Zawwajtuka nafsi 'alas sidaqil ma'lum (i.e. I have made myself your wife on the agreed mahr), and then the man should immediately respond thus: Qabiltut tazwij (i.e. I accept the marriage). In this way, the marriage contract will be in order."" (https://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2345/)

Thanks for advice. The thing is just that we got married here in europe just by ourselfs. I mean there wasnt any Sheikh or anyone present at the time (since there are no masjids here). We read the marriage formula with him by ourselfs since it was ok according to Sistani. So officially we arent married in anywhere. Im not comfortable with him. I still cant say him I love him. I am giving him his rights over me in intimacy but my heart is not in that. I dont want to be close to him. I do all this fisabilillah. But Im not happy. I dont think I can ever be like normal wife to him. I know there isnt such thing as cinderella story in real life but I am sure Allah would also like me to feel happy, secure and safe in life. Im in my early twenties now, I feel bad about thinking that i must waste my life like this not being happy and being scared of having children with my husband. All I wanted was to have a family. But now its like little by little, every day I find out something new bad thing about my husband. Yesterday he told me that he used to steal clothes from shops astagfirullah. I was surprised. I know we have all our own sins and im not perfect either but still I was so surprised by his confession. I feel like i am every day losing myself little by little.

Im from Europe. Muslims in general are very small minority here and shia muslims are rare here. We dont have even one mosque here in our country. Just small prayer rooms without proper sheikhs and alims. Yes I made istikhara. But Im not sure about answer. After making istikhara those dreams came to me. But it might be that those came from my own mind as you wrote. Also couple days ago I heard that its not for me okay to even make istikhara about marriage since im already married to him. So dead end here again. I have asked from my husband divorce. He wont give it. He knows my reasons why I asked it. He again told me that I can leave him and go where ever I want but never he will give me divorce. So islamicly there is no chance for me to get khula since he wont give it and there is no Sheikh or Alim in our country to interfere and give me khula. I am worried about future. What if he really does something like this again? What if next time there would be our possible children also involved? Majority of people that have adviced me are telling me to stay with him. I have contacted Sistani about my situation, but yet no answer. I feel so insecure about being married to him and also about leaving. In other hand I dont have valid reason by islam to leave him, but then again I have? But how would it be islamicly possible for me to leave since he wont give me divorce? We are not married here officially accordig to our countrys laws, just islamicly. So in general it would be easy to leave. But as being his wife in islam I cant just leave and be like im not married anymore, cant I? So what to do.. I really dont know.