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In the Name of God بسم الله
I’ve always been religious and started praying at a young age by myself. It was just me and Allah- like Allah was my only friend. One day I watched a video on YouTube and it said that how Allah is so far away. I felt like Allah was really faraway. Slowly it started becoming is Allah really there? I know it says that Allah’s closer to our jugular vein but I just I don’t know. My Imaan is so weak that the belief in Allah is going up and down. One minute it’s there an the next minute it’s not. It’s like my heart doesn’t want to accept like I feel a tightening in my chest. I want to have that connection again. I’m 18 and people usually come to me for advice like my cousins,aunties, school mates and friends. I feel SO fake. They will go to heaven not me. It seems like my heart wants to accept other fake religions but I know that if I do I will go to hell. I can’t get these shirk thoughts of Jesus being the... I can’t even say it. It’s like I’m starting to believe what’s in my head. Help! The religion Islam feels like a burden but I’m constantly asking Allah to guide me to the right way. I want to understand Islam simply. It’s like other people believe and I don’t because my heart is blind. I see so many Christians convert to Islam but there I am. Was I doomed from the beginning? I have a very low tolerance for pain and really don’t want to go hell. I’m scared. I want to die a shaheedan! Why is this happening to me? I know that if I were to die right now I would go hell. Yet the people around me who take advice from me and benefit from me will think I’ve gone heaven. I cry so much and try to have hope but I can’t. I haven’t told any family members or any friends. I really can’t.