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In the Name of God بسم الله

Mariam_

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  1. Yeah I tried to tell my mum but she didn't understand at all, she was like 'you have so many things to be grateful for why are you being so ungrateful' and I understand what she says and obviously she is right but that still doesn't change the fact that I'm not feeling the best mentally I guess. And it's a lot easier to say things than it is to do them especially in cases like this
  2. Ahh for now marriage is a bit of a taboo subject in our house since I broke of the engagement bit alhamdulillah I have very supportive friends who are helping me get through this and not leaving me alone
  3. @hayyibnyaqzan I honestly wouldn't mind getting psychiatric help and u don't think my parents mind. At this point I think my dad somewhat understand that what he did was wrong and that its obvs affected me but the problem is first of all we don't have the finances for it second of all i don't think white people (no offence to fellow English/ American etc people it's just the difference in culture, upbringing etc) would understand my situation they would say you should have just said no. And I wouldn't really feel comfortable either talking about my situation to someone who I feel like will probably judge and won't actually understand.
  4. Salam everyone, thank you for your contributions and all the opinions and support you guys have given I really appreciate it. But the thing is it's easy to say go and pray and go and read the Quran and I've said this to myself aswell hundreds of times but when there is no motivation in doing anything in your life, it's hard to go and do that when you're stuck in a hole which you can't get out of and can't see a single ray of sunlight. Also in regards to what our fellow Christian brother/ sister said. It's a lot easier said than done to become independent especially if you're a girl. And even if I do something like that it would mean that I would have to essentially cut off my ties with my family - which I'm not willing to do since my family is important to me. It's also extremely difficult to seperated culture and religion especially with Asian/ middle eastern countries so even if I did try to explain something to my dad he wouldn't understand - his point of view is very different from mine. I wouldn't really mind getting psychiatric help either since I do want to solve my problem whatever it takes. Also even though I did end the engagement let me tell you it wasn't pretty at all and ended very bitterly. Btw a levels are for free in the UK and I do not work so I can't arrange any majlis or go to a ziyara. And I agree with what you said about trying not to get my parents angry but sometimes even our elders can be wrong and the sad thing is when they are they don't want to accept it and refuse to listen to anyone else's opinion.
  5. Salam Everyone, This may sound really strange to some of you and I don't know if anyone else has been in a position similar to mine but I hope there is someone out there who understands and can give me some advice on what to do. For the past 3 years I've been feeling very lost - in the sense that I don't know what I'm doing with my life and it's reached the point where I don't know who I am. I don't recognise the person I've become. I feel so helpless all the time and I don't know what to do anymore, I just don't want to sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore and start being more grateful for all of the things I do have alhamdulillah. But the thing is I don't know how. This all started after I finished my GCSEs and got into A levels. Around the same time I got a proposal from my cousin and for one reason or another the 17 year old me got pressured into getting engaged with him. From there onwards my life started to spiral downwards. I started to lose all my motivation for everything - studies, friends, family and even my life. I didn't care anymore what happened in my life and everything I did do was to please the people around me. The times where I was alone all I would feel was hollow and a sense of helplessness. During this time I also continued my a levels where I failed some of my exams for both year 12 and 13. Somehow by the grace of Allah - and I legit kid you not, I managed to get into university with my bad grades alhamdulillah. Although on the surface my life seemed great and I looked happy in reality it was falling apart. I got formally engaged after my 18th birthday and struggled to maintain a good relationship with my father who was the one that 'convinced' me to get engaged to my cousin. He said I was young and that I didn't know what I was doing and because he relentlessly bought this topic up for nearly 6 months I didn't care anymore and agreed to the engagement. I was extremely hurt and disappointed that my dad didn't listen to me, that was something that I really didn't expect. I was heartbroken when he didn't listen to me at all and thus these series of events happened. Although now I understand where my he came from - no parent wants anything bad for their child, they should still listen because at the end of the day it's my life and in this case I would be living with him not my dad. In the case of my dad he thought that because he's older and I'm young that I don't know anything and that everything he says is for the best - which in this case didn't work out at all. So I started uni and failed one of my modules. Changed university the following year and continued into second year. A while ago I broke of the engagement because I just couldn't stand him anymore and in all honesty I didn't like him to begin with. I just finished my second year and found out I failed more than one module. I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore with my life, I feel so lost and by doing so I'm starting to ruin my own life with my own hands as you can see. I don't know if it's the fear of disappointing my parents - which I've had since I was a child, or my lack of confidence that has caused all these problems in my life. And I know this may seem like a pity party but I seriously want to get out of this hole I've dug up for myself and finally be free of all the things that are tying me down. I know praying and reading the Quran soothes the soul and I'm ashamed to say i don't pray and I haven't read the Quran in so long that I've forgotten how to read altogether. I don't know if it's the lack of prayers or my fears that are doing this but I sincerely wish to change and stop this repeated cycle of failure I'm going through especially with my studies as that's a major part of my life right now. Please don't judge I know I have my fair share of sins and that I may seem ungrateful - which I probably no doubt am but please give me some advice I can work with to slowly built up everything I've lost - basically myself. Thank you so much for reading my long message and may Allah grant you all Jannah.
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