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In the Name of God بسم الله

Islandsandmirrors

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Posts posted by Islandsandmirrors


  1. 19 hours ago, Abbas sayed said:

    Aslaam alaikum

    My query is that I want to know wheather in Shia Islam nikah can be done without witnesses.. is that complete niqah? If witnesses are not available

    Yes, you can get married without witnesses, but why would you? While I understand not wanting to have a lavish wedding, getting married in secret would be no fun. There’s something nice about having a small and intimate nikah with a few close family members. 

    You ideally get married once. It’s nice to have people there to support your union and see you get married. Everyone dreams about seeing their son/daughter get married. So you might end up regretting getting married in secret/without witnesses down the line. Just something to consider. 


  2. The reality is that in restrictive settings and/or arranged marriage route, most people are not open and upfront about who they are. They tend to lie a lot or exaggerate their abilities due to familial pressure and wanting to just be married to someone. Then you get married are are stuck with someone and just have to deal with it at that point.

    It’s not a very healthy model of marriage nor is it romantic. Not only will the couples never get a chance to experience the love that so many non-Middle Eastern born and raised people do, but also it devalues the sacredness of marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a spiritual experience at the highest form.The only one for you whom you get to experience deep love and friendship with unlike any other.

    Islam encourages love and deep friendship between spouses, and yet, culture reduces the relationship between the spouses through a limited lens of everyday duties, career advancement and child-rearing without developing the essential emotional and intellectual component of bonding. 


  3. I believe you need to fall in love before marriage —but wait until you get married to do what people in love do. Otherwise, what’s the difference between marrying some random person on the street verses being arranged someone for you, where you’d feel little to nothing for the person and likely won’t know them well?

    Marriage is between two people who are committed to spending the rest of their lives together. Obviously there must be something that would differentiate someone from another person. People who advocate for arranged marriages over estimate the importance of looking good on a paper and underestimate compatibility with regards to how the two people get along and their overall connection. You can arrange two people who seem to “tick all the boxes” on paper but they can’t stand being around each other for very long.

    The arranged marriage route is rooted deeply in shame and duty, especially if you are indecisive or feel lukewarm about the other person or overlook red flags. Either they divorce or stay unhappy. The process moves rather quickly as well. Talking to someone for too long is seen as a negative. 

    Marriage is a sacred union, and it’s a big deal. To be honest, no one knows what you want in a spouse but yourself. You shouldn’t trust any auntie/mother/friend to find someone for you. What do they really know about your likes and dislikes? 


  4. 36 minutes ago, Qa'im said:

    On most days, in my experience, the learning can be condensed into 2-3 hours, and the rest is fluff

    Definitely not so, where I was helping out. The third graders would write and polish their essays for just two hours before their first recess. As I would grade papers, they’d ask me for help on sentence structure and correcting any grammatical errors. I had to read everyone’s essays out loud as I’d correct them. 

    I managed to help them with their essays individually during silent work (25 kids) within the allotted time before moving on the next subject (I believe Science.) prior to lunch break/recess for one hour. During this time, I would re-organize the room, and grade some more, take down old projects, prep. There was history to be taught, art projects to complete and display in the classroom, and go over quiz answers during math before reading for 5 minutes prior to the kids being sent home. P.E time, assemblies, visits to the library were only a couple of times per week. Movie days were rare. 

    Of course, I don’t know what it’s like in Canada. Maybe more time is spent on procedures. Besides, maybe you personally prefer an older climate of students. So naturally, you’d think that teaching younger children is a waste of time since you’d have to teach them critical thinking skills, be able to correct behavioral issues, go over topics at a slower pace, etc. Maybe elementary teaching wasn’t intellectually stimulating for you. 


  5. 1 minute ago, starlight said:

    l,  Are you sure it's my post you are talking about? Because all I talked about was my children's school and they don't even go to a public school

    Yes, I’m sure. In your post, you mentioned that all schools waste time on things that you don’t find necessary like extra curricular activities. It seemed like you were talking about the school system in general and not about your children’s school. 

    If it’s a private school they attend, then I’m really not surprised. Private schools can either be great or really bad. 

     

    8 minutes ago, starlight said:

    elax! My mother worked as a teacher for over twenty years. I have been a teacher for a decade.  Both of us believe that homeschooling has some benefits over the schooling system these days. We are/have been both parents and teachers so we have experienced this both ways. 

    Maybe you approached the topic as more parent-centered while I approached it from a more teacher-centered position. Also, I don’t really know what public schools are like around the world. I don’t know their laws, regulations regarding education, standards, what kind of people are in your city, etc. what I say is purely as a result of my American upbringing and knowledge of teaching standards within the United States. I know that teachers in other parts of the world are not as regulated and behavioral problems are out of control due to cultural factors that are largely unconsidered and would never be tolerated here. 


  6. 13 minutes ago, notme said:

    I disagree. Much of the school bashing that I've heard comes from teachers and former teachers, disillusioned with the system they are forced to work in..

    I’m just rephrasing what Starlight said. She said she thinks that her children are wasting precious time being in school and thinks that she could do a better job at teaching her children. Which obviously is an insult to teachers since we are the ones who put in all the work to teach. 

    But yes, former teachers and teachers do complain and bash the system, but those who complain end up leaving the profession anyway due to burn-out and unreasonable expectations. People know what they are getting to when they decide to teach. So those who bash didn’t have the drive or motivation to follow through when behavioral issues start and reality begins to set in. The school system, like anywhere else, has rules and regulations and standards to be met, just like any other job.

    Those who complain or end up leaving the profession were likely tired of the structure of the curriculum, and likely don’t work well with organized lesson planning and structure, rules to adhere to, etc.


  7. 59 minutes ago, starlight said:

    Show me one line where I 'bashed' my teachers or teachers in general. 

    You decided to go on a rant about how awful all public schools are. Teachers work in public schools and to bash their place of work where they passionately and tirelessly take the time to make sure your child is getting an education and the solid foundation they need for success is very much in poor taste. It’s very ungrateful and it seems as if you are saying that our hard work is useless and meaningless, that our profession is meaningless and you think that you could do better, which you had stated in your previous reply. 

    No one who isn’t in your line of work would tell you, “I would do a better job as a psychiatrist.” When that person doesn’t have the qualifications to do so. 


  8. 49 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

    No it's not because it's not the teachers faults. Teachers actually don't have all that much say in what goes on in their classrooms. The curriculum dictates what is taught, when it's taught, and how it's taught

    There is a curriculum/lesson planning handbook for teachers to use. Teachers mainly use the worksheets in the handbook for in class/take home assignments, however, it’s a  teacher’s individual choice how to teach lessons.

    Also, teachers adjust the pacing of the class depending upon the capabilities of the particular climate of students. If teachers see that a few students have failed to understand the required standards, often small group workshops will be made where a teacher will work individually with students who are struggling with similar topics. Most teachers will never use the handbook on how to teach. 

    49 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

    st of the time teachers are just trying to get their students to select the right answers on standardized tests because they are held accountable for scores. That is not true education. 

    There is a lot more creativity and input from teachers when in the classroom. A lot of time and effort goes into making sure the classroom is a safe and healthy environment for learning, and the best teachers use their own money on additional resources. Most teachers spend 700-1000 dollars out of their own pocket every school year.  

    As for standardized testing, it’s mostly given out for statistical purposes and to measure how well a school does overall. Rarely ever are teachers reprimanded for children doing poorly on standardized testing. (It is optional as well.) There were only two cases where teachers were fired, and let me tell you: their teaching style was bad, zero classroom management skills—just all around bad, ineffective teachers.  Their standardized testing result was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

    EDIT: I just read you used to be a teacher. As you know, districts vary with how strict they want the curriculum to be taught. Some districts are very “by the book” while other districts provide teachers more leeway and creativity. I don’t know how your district was like or what state you taught in, but here in California where I live, teachers are given a lot more room for lesson planning the way they see fit.

     

     


  9. 35 minutes ago, starlight said:

    have seen the social interaction negatively effect my children. I could easily teach them all the subjects with very little extra help till the time they leave for college. I silently suffer every school year when I see them wasting their precious time in learning useless things most of which are forgotten as soon as the school year ends.

    Where do you live? 

    Make no mistake that teaching is a profession. Yes, there will be bad apples within districts who should never set a foot in a classroom, but to state that they are “wasting precious time learning useless things” is so disrespectful to the profession. If you live in Pakistan or anywhere in the Middle East, then I’d somewhat agree that the education system is a waste of time. 

    But in the United States, it’s very different. Schools and districts/most states have implemented Common Core standards. This means that the standards of grade levels have been pushed back an entire grade. My third graders where I was assisting/volunteering were learning how to write essays, whereas back in the day, essay writing was introduced in the fourth grade and expected to be fully taught in the fifth. 

    Have you ever seen inside a US public classroom? 

    Also, Starlight, you are an educated member of society. You are a psychiatrist because you went to school. To bash teachers is very unprofessional and somewhat arrogant when you owe your teachers and professors for the education and training you got to be where you are today. I’m rather shocked that you would say such negative things about the profession. 

    EDIT: here’s a bit of insight for you as to what goes on as a teacher. 

     


  10. Lol to the people disagreeing: teachers are professionals. You wouldn’t tell a lawyer that you disagree with how they run their profession. You wouldn’t tell someone studying law that “you don’t need to attend university to learn.” So why do you think it’s okay to not respect teachers? Without public school, and especially without teachers, there would be no doctors, no lawyers, no psychologists, no engineers. It’s because somebody TAUGHT them the material.

    You may disagree with my statement that public school is often the best option for your children to get a well-rounded education because that is simply your opinion, but you can’t disagree with the amount of effort and specialization it takes to actually know how to teach and to manage a classroom and correct behavioral issues. We are professionals, so we respect us as such. If teaching were easy, then everyone would become one. 

    So leave teaching to the professionals who know their stuff. It’s not as simple as giving them the coursework to do at home.


  11. As a future elementary school teacher, I would say that children attending public school (not Christian schools, charter schools, etc.) is paramount.

    Public teachers (wether that’s k-8 certification or 6-12 single subject certification) are prepared vigorously to help students grow, learn, and develop their cognitive, emotional, and social development all within nine to ten months until they are sent off to a higher grade level. Learning targets must be met within that time, and only a teacher certified to teach public schools is truly qualified to accomplish what needs to be done. Additionally, the structure of a classroom environment and any other that a teacher will put into place for classroom management helps children absorb the material in a much more efficient manner. There is a lot of creativity, movement, and repetition, primarily at the elementary level, that helps children in which a teacher often stays after hours, sometimes until 10 PM, to get material prepared for the next day.

    We teachers put a lot of effort and creativity for lesson plans and creative learning such as art and play and movement. Not to mention grading, filling out progress reports, attending meetings etc., all after hours and sometimes during weekends. We care about every child’s learning experience and we want every child to be the most successful, kindest version of themselves. 

    We teachers learn the ins-and-outs of effective classroom management, how to facilitate group work as well as individual, and assess and help any children individually or in small group with any challenges they may face. Also, we know in depth child and adolescent psychology and development, especially with regards to learning styles, social skills, emotional regulation. We are trained to help students with accommodations and ESL students to get to where they need to be.

    Children become a lot more confident as they attend school. Those who homeschool, while it is a valid and understandable option for some, will find that their child ends up sheltered, socially awkward, and has a much more difficult time adjusting to the real world and especially in university. 

    Lastly, public school teachers continue to attend workshops and additional classes during the summer to update their teaching methods and implementing newer and researched techniques for a more successful generation to come. I find it mildly insulting that you made several blanket statements about public schools when quite frankly, you don’t know at all what goes into teaching children. You don’t know any developmental purposes and are seeing things from a very biased and limited angle. And no, not all teachers push haram curriculum. In fact, most don’t. 

    Homeschooling is not as simple as teaching the material. If it were, then there would be no teacher preparation programs after your bachelor’s, no certification, no training.  And, although it might be hard to hear, parents are not qualified to teach. As for religion, it should be taught at home or while attending weekend religious schools to increase a child’s knowledge about Islam and the Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام). 


  12. What a crazy, awful man. Causing you humiliation like that. May Allah humiliate him in the hereafter. 

    Any other man would have gotten over it and realized that most people, unless entirely secluded in an island away from civilization, have some sort of past or getting to know potential partners. But unfortunately, he is not that man. So that’s good he showed his true colors to your family. Alhamdulilah you two have no children and you’ll be able to move on with your life easier. 


  13. 27 minutes ago, Sumerian said:

    ou raise some really interesting points but I really can't imagine my own mother like that. It's hard for me to see it like this sister.

    Let’s pray and hope that your mother won’t act like this so long as you set boundaries and present a unified front together. She will try and start some antics but might give up when she sees that you’re no longer under her thumb. 

     

    9 minutes ago, Sumerian said:

    Brò thats the woman that raised me my whole life and did everything to ensure I was living my day to day as a comfortable person, and now she doesn't care about my happiness, and will try to make my marriage stressful?

    Of course she cares about you... but she will not care about your marriage because it’s not about you anymore. No mother, and I mean this, likes to see their son happy with a woman who isn’t them. 

    She raised you and made sure you were comfortable. And happy. Now another woman, your future wife, is making sure you are comfortable and happy. Mother in laws will never, ever be 100% okay with that. Ever. They want their son for themselves. 

    It’s being able to show the new bride who is boss. It’s no longer about you. It’s about angering the bride. I sent you a video on an unfortunately, a very common experience with in-laws. 

    23 minutes ago, Sumerian said:

    Man that seems too generalised. Sister @Islandsandmirrors maybe this is the behaviour of SOME in laws. Surely it cannot be all of them? 

    Let me tell you: this is EVERY mother in law. Some might display less or more of this type of toxic behavior. But the effects are the same. Something happens when their son(s) get married and they just can’t take it. 

    Be careful. Or else, this might be your future:

     


  14. 6 hours ago, Sumerian said:

     

    @Islandsandmirrors thank you for your comment sister, I have a few points -

    1) My parents have more life experience than me though. Why would I not welcome their intervention? 

    2) Getting married does not mean now my obedience level to my parents should drop.

     

     

    No problem, @Sumerian. To answer your points:

    1. Simple: in-laws, primarily the husband’s parents, will mostly intervene and inevitably meddle because the sons allow them to. It’s because a son never puts proper boundaries in place for when a new bride enters into the family. Just because they have more life experience does not give them the right to intervene within your marriage. 

    Many in-laws won’t have the best interest of their son when he gets married. They don’t care about making sure their son’s relationship remains happy. This is because when in-laws intervene, they aren’t thinking about their son and his happiness—all they will thinking about is how to make things difficult between the bride. Wether in big or small ways—it doesn’t matter. They don’t want the bride to be happy, to have better things in life. 

    2. You should not obey your parents the way you’d obey your wife. Biggest mistake of your life. When someone gets married, man or woman, their loyalty and their spouse comes first. Drama ensures when you obey your parents as if you are still unmarried. Be an independent man, emotionally speaking, from your parents.

    Yes, be kind and good to your parents, be there for them like any son would, but you never have to obey them after you’re married. 

     

    6 hours ago, Sumerian said:

    ) I think the whole wife vs mother-in-law thing is sensationalised. It sure happens and especially in Middle Eastern households, but not to the extent it is portrayed. This isn't a boxing ring.

    4) What does "always agree with your wife mean"? Does that mean I am expected to "okay" wrong actions? What if my future wife did an incorrect thing, can I not point it out?

    3. Lol that’s what I thought too. But trust me, even the less meddling types will display this sort of behavior, to varying degrees. The wife doesn’t necessarily have to do anything to provoke any sort of reaction—mostly, it’s because in-laws, no matter how good or bad, will not be able to stand, deep down, their son having a woman that isn’t immediate family into his life. They will not be able to stand you giving someone else attention. 

    The in-laws believe along the lines of this, “I raised my son to obey me. I raised him. So he needs to obey whatever I say. I know his weak spots to get him to keep him emotionally dependent. I do all the raising just to have another woman swoop him up and become his everything? Not if I can help it.” They don’t often want or try to get a couple to divorce, but rather, they just want there to be constant tension between you and your future wife. So that you’ll view your wife as a source of stress, not realizing that likely in-laws are the ones creating stress and the problems from behind the scenes.

    Now, some mother-in-laws are so obvious in their stunts. Others are way more sneaky about it. 

     

    4. When I say to agree with your wife, I mean that in front of your family, you’ll agree with her. That you will stand by her side. That to your family you will be seen as a unit, with a unified front. This doesn’t mean that you’ll be okay with everything she does. This means that in front of your family, you two do not point out each other’s mistakes, flaws, things you’ve done wrong or the things you don’t agree with. Same thing for a wife in front of her parents.  

    Disagree with her when you are alone. Never point these things out in front of your parents. You could say, “I didn’t agree when you said x, y, z back there, but I didn’t say anything in front of my parents because I knew that it wasn’t the right time or place for it.” If you are not presented as a unified front, in-laws will begin to meddle in extremely toxic ways. 

    Problems between the wife and her in-laws would never be there or would be there to a lesser degree if only a son is 1. Aware enough to detect the behavior in his family 2. Able to maintain boundaries when they cross the line 3. When you have your wife’s back. 90% of problems wouldn’t be there because you wouldn’t give them the opportunity to meddle when you are your wife are a solid team. When in-laws see that they can pit you against her, that’s when they will emotionally and sometimes even financially take advantage of their son. 

     

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