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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Everything posted by Islandsandmirrors

  1. Yes, I believe so. Marriage is when two people need to emotionally, and financially support one another. A father’s help or living with one’s parents doesn’t mean that you’d stop supporting your wife.
  2. Please, please for the love of God, do not bring your mother in the middle of your future relationship —or really, your relationship in general. I’m not saying your mother shouldn’t have any say in giving her opinion on the marriage process, but there are plenty of mothers, who are very kind and caring and want the best for you... until things get real and you’ve made a commitment to marry someone. Then the claws come out (or after you’re married) Not necessarily at you, but directed at the bride or the future bride to be. Trying to drive a wedge between you and she. Or making snide comments about her appearance, her hijab, her personality—anything. Then you are stuck in the middle and that’s when the meddling really begins. Basically, when their sons get married, many mothers will want her son and the future spouse to be close, but not too close. They become uncomfortable with you having another woman in your life. If you let your mom meddle in the process of finding a spouse, you bet that “monster-in-law” behavior will come out. Limit her influence on the process. You never want a future mother-in-law to be too involved in a process like this. I am telling you so you can be aware. Besides, many Middle Eastern moms like having their son obey whatever they say and to keep them co-dependent or be too open with regards to your marriage. Mother-in-laws do not have a right to intervene. This is what causes problems between you and your future spouse. If you allow or believe your mother has a right to intervene, she will cross boundaries and this will destroy your marriage. Your wife will feel like you don’t have her back. Your loyalty will be with your wife when you’re married. Not with your parents. This doesn’t happen to just one or two people—this type of behavior transcends nationality and backgrounds. Do not involve your mother or allow her to control you in your relationship. Never overshare about your future marriage — it will be used against you. I just gave you the secrets of “girl code talks”. How to be Married 101: always side with your wife. Even if you disagree, support her in front of your family and your friends, and you’ll have the happiest, most loving marriage with minimal problems. You can thank me in 5-10 years.
  3. Mr. Islandsandmirrors is a very sociable, friendly dude. He wants to help people and goes often into “future therapist mode” where he attempts to fix everyone’s problems as well providing that space for anyone to just emotionally dump every problem onto him. (This is also an issue for me but that’s besides the point.) The point is that I think this excessive “space creating nonjudgmentally and openly” atmosphere that he creates attracts very needy and emotionally unhealthy individuals. I also have this tendency (although I’ve been learning how to put boundaries) and it became so unhealthy for me (I naturally absorb people’s emotions anytime I’m in a room and see through “the core” of others, not necessarily what they say, or the masks they put on.) that I couldn’t tell the difference between my own emotions and the emotions of others and I always felt like I was drowning in other people’s problems. Anyhow, there in particular is a woman whom we all would hang out with in group settings that I last made a post on. She’s a chronic complainer and mostly complains to gain the sympathy of others so she’d embellish and exaggerate the truth and milk something just to see certain emotional reactions and for people to just care. (She said that after sitting on her computer for the whole day, her arm started hurting.) Now, I’m usually very empathic and never like to use the term “whining” in attempt to shut down someone’s feelings, but once I see someone is taking advantage emotionally of my creating a safe space and a listening ear, I tend to distance myself and indirectly call them out for it. For instance, when she complained that her husband said that she complains too much, (he’d ask her how her day would be when he would get home from work and she’d just start complaining about her body aches and pains and being always down.) I said, “well, why don’t you find something positive and happy to talk about when he gets home? Like a funny video you saw, or just not think about the pain and say, ‘I’m good.’?” And she gave me the nastiest look and started bawling her eyes out and screamed at me, “That’s not a real marriage! I shouldn’t have to LIE!” Then she started talking about how she has lupus and fibromyalgia (and likely some personality disorder, I’m guessing.) and that it’s permanent and how her husband should never get angry or complain to her about anything that he finds frustrating. Mr. Islandsandmirrors said that her husband is just doing the best he can to take care of her. But I wasn’t so patient and could feel frustration creep into my voice when I said, “I know someone who has been married for over 30 years and also has to be taken care of. You think other people have never gotten frustrated in that time?” And she started to say something along the lines of that people being frustrated is crappy and that it’s wrong. Furthermore, she has this problem where she seeks company of men, as in, she wants only male friends to emotionally take care of her. When I suggested that she find a women’s support group for trauma, she disagreed with me immediately and said that she doesn’t want to lose the male friend (whom she cheated with multiple times) when she was separated from her husband at the time. “Because he understands trauma”. Sure, lady. Because your stupid womanizer male friend is more important than your husband and you want to keep him in the back burner just in case. Stupid. Sorry for writing a novel, but the same man she insists on staying friends with also gave her a couch. That’s still in her house. And her husband has a problem with that (obviously). I deliberately asked her, quite pointedly, “Why would he give you a couch? Why are you keeping it?” And her face was like, “oh crap, gotta think of some dumb excuse.” And said, “because I had just moved out and had no money.” lol. Jesus Christ, it was all incredibly frustrating and when I pretended to check my phone, Mr. Islandsandmirrors made an excuse so we could leave. This is just one example but there have been multiple people, wether men or women, who just milk something for sympathy/emotionally dump everything. How do Mr. Islandsandmirrors and I put up healthy boundaries in group settings before they start acting all needy? EDIT: I don’t know why “Mr......” has two periods instead of one. Maybe a programming typo/error? EDIT 2: now “Mr.....” has three periods when I only put one.
  4. When I want to give myself nightmares I watch these scenes: [Mod Note: Profanity in title; 3rd video was removed]
  5. Oh! And I don’t know if anyone’s seen The Village (Bryce Dallas Howard plays in it.) but that movie is also a favorite of mine.
  6. I don’t advise divorce for most married people, as I am married myself and there is a greater depth of commitment that perhaps some people who have never been married won’t understand, but honestly, sister, divorce might be your best option. But you have to create a plan to get away from your abusive husband. That’s the most important thing here. However, before divorcing him, I’d give him an ultimatum. Tell him that bankrolling his family stops or else he will lose you and his children. That unless he cuts them off financially you will leave and that he will never see his children again. Some men might consider changing their ways when they see you won’t put up with it. Or that you back down against conflict easily. I can’t for sure say that it will work for him, but it is an option to see if he willing to seriously mend his ways. If he flat out refuses after that ultimatum, then it’ll be clear that he doesn’t care at all. Also, don’t listen to his empty promises saying he will change and stop sending money to his family—he needs to show it by action. The ultimatum will also give you some peace of mind if you’re anxious or feel guilty for leaving him when you decide to (which you should never feel given that he has treated you poorly.) The end goal would be to divorce him and drag him to court to gain full custody of your children, with him having supervised visits (or no visits at all) since you said that he is verbally and physically abusive. When you do divorce, make sure you make it clear how badly he abused you and your children in court to ensure that you are granted full custody.
  7. For me, I love Rosemary’s Baby and The Babadook. I also love the original Carrie, and the third Paranormal Activity, and The Butterfly Effect. Basically, anything psychological thriller/horror with tons of undertones of various issues. No jump scares for me. What are your favorite movies?
  8. I should add if some of you think that most men do not watch porn, have not watched porn, and will somehow magically stop watching porn immediately after marriage — then you’re being naive and engaging in wishful thinking. Most men still watch porn long after they’ve married and have children. Some men are more discreet while others eventually will find porn boring after having the real thing and will reduce watching it significantly. I would say 90-95% of men will watch porn even after marriage (although not as much as before marriage) no matter how religious or not a man might be. Most men reduce watching porn and grow bored of it once they are married. Some will stop entirely after some time, while others will not.
  9. The hijab to me means that some women wear it out of choice and because it gives her confidence, others wear it due to pressure from family and friends. Where I live, hijab is seen as a negative because of a variety of factors such as poor social behavior displayed from many hijabis. My one friend was nearly killed because of her hijab. I personally don’t want to be lumped into that category. I don’t want to be a target for negative attention and reactions. I believe that Allah wants us to be modest, and that if hijab causes disruption in society and creates hardship like that, then one could dress more modestly without necessarily wearing a headscarf. I know who I am, what’s in my heart, and Allah does too.
  10. Hi, brother or sister. Thanks for reviving the thread. We got married!! I got married last year and let me tell you: best decision I ever made! The Sunni/Shia differences are completely a non-issue for us. If I had listened to everyone on the forum, I would have made the biggest mistake in letting him go just on the basis of him being a Sunni. Glad I listened to my gut. We are very happily married, Alhamdulilah. So I guess this is proof for all you nay-sayers out there to not reject someone for marriage based on pre-conceived notions and prejudice.
  11. Makeup is not necessarily “adornment” since many women have bad skin and try to make themselves look a bit better. What matters is the intention. Even marjas have said that makeup is allowed under the condition that a woman’s intention is not to stir up lust in men.
  12. You can’t change your brother. You can’t fix him, nor his issues. Not only can you not fix him—it’s not your job to. He’s a 30 year old man. By now, he knows the difference between right and wrong and can make his own decisions. Wether those decisions are halal or haram, they are not up for you to meddle and be all up in his business. You are not his mother. He is not a little boy to be sheltered from the big bad world. He’s an adult. So treat and respect him like one. His sins, his victories, the good and bad, are for him to navigate. Trying to meddle and annoy him and being domineering as a family will cause him to resent you all. None of your advice will help your relationship with him—it will only be strained further. Do not find him a wife. He wants to find one for himself. Do not snoop on his computer. What he decides to do on the Internet is up to him. Stop the over-bearing behavior. Seriously, it’s so gross that you’re obsessed over his search history. That’s not your place. I think you all need to respect the concept of boundaries, which you all clearly lack.
  13. Because makeup is not haram nor in of itself immodest. So people putting their own ideas of what is haram/halal is what makes this statement so offensive. Men and women co-exist in society. They need to learn to live together peacefully. Weddings are a time for family and friends to celebrate a union. Not a time to be critical of one another.
  14. There are people suffering in the world. No food, no clean water. People dying of malnutrition. Husbands leaving their wife and children. People breaking apart families. People being raped on college campuses all over the country. People being denied access to the right to get an education, basic healthcare. Single moms and dads struggling to put food on the table. And you are regurgitating the same stuff like why women wear makeup in weddings and questioning why weddings in general are mixed? We wear makeup because we want to. Get away from your computer screens and think about how to solve real world issues instead of worrying about how people have fun and celebrate weddings.
  15. Writing fiction—poetry, short stories, and working on a novel. Of course, on ShiaChat, I slack off with regards to run-on sentences.
  16. I’m currently on vacation, but I’ll show you a pic of my living room when I get back. I have pale purple-grey walls, floral printed pillows, a colorful blanket, lights hanging, and a few art pieces. I plan on buying more. Going for a boho-rustic look. It’s an open, airy space, and I’d like to keep it somewhat that way. as far as clutter—I don’t like clutter in my home, but I wouldn’t mind tons of decorations and plants and paintings and mirrors. I don’t think you need clutter to look like your home has been “lived in”. I think a home looking lived in has more to do with its memories than how their home looks. NOTE: I’m not going for a showroom home. To me, everything is too matchy-matchy for my taste. This is more my style:
  17. Lol you are trolling, dude. I can’t believe you’d suggest something so crude. It’s very insulting.
  18. No, because there is a difference between friendly banter and being flirty with someone. This forum has friendly banter. There’s nothing wrong with that. My husband finds nothing wrong with that either.
  19. Definitely this. Mainly because I believe that Islam is a religion for all. Sadly, many people add culture with religion, and that’s where the fighting begins from either side. While I believe it’s necessary to dress modestly, how modest one is supposed to dress depends on a variety of factors such as their environment in which they live in. Everything must be considered. Islam isn’t black and white although many try to make it seem to be. Futhermore, there are plenty of people I know in my life who fall into the first category, who are strict with regards to Islamic teachings, who have behaved in the most unislamic manner like treating others poorly and driving a wedge between husbands and wives. These people don’t understand that Islam is a religion of Akhlaq, and that because of this, Allah might never accept their so-called good deeds because they were lacking in other aspects. Yes and no to the first question. I believe in thinking critically about issues. Not doing things without question. I don’t like to follow Islam blindly. Some things are absolutely irrefutable, such as prayer, fasting, being a good person to others, etc. but other fiqh related issues are not so clear cut. I think many people cherry-pick Hadiths which suit their narrative and present them as THE ONLY right way. Scholars and marja can’t even come to a consensus on certain issues, so how can one say that there is only one way to follow Islam? I believe, of course, that Shia Islam is correct, but the little fiqh issues that divides us? I prefer to not get involved. So to answer your question, yes, people over complicate Islam. No, my parents have not been a contributing factor. My mother is highly conservative. I’m not like my mother.
  20. Awww love ya, girly!! You are so cool. <3 *hugs* #sisterloveforlife
  21. I miss creating the opportunity to move to SoCal. I wish I had the drive I do now and the voice to stand for the things I want in life.
  22. Hey sorry about the late response. I saw your response on another thread and I remembered that I hadn’t responded to this post yet. 1. I feel significantly better with the medication. I feel mostly myself. I sometimes get aches where my thyroid would be, but nothing serious. 2. I don’t feel fatigued anymore. As for depression, I also no longer feel depressed. 3. No, no diabetes. My other results were normal. I think it was my TSH that was high and I think my T4? I’m not sure. But I do know that it was my TSH levels that was high.
  23. See my post on the difference between looking frumpy vs trashy vs classy. People mostly dress either frumpy or trashy. There is a middle ground that most people are either unaware of or are choosing to ignore in order to remain steadfast in their biases.
  24. Haha the off-topic threads are the best in ShiaChat, I agree.
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