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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Everything posted by Islandsandmirrors

  1. You should caution in spreading information like that. People are lacking context and the OP should only speak with an Imam on this issue. You have little to no context to make the accusation of zina (Which is debated even amongst scholars, so it depends on who you follow.)
  2. I understand how you’re feeling—I’m sure it’s super frustrating, but I don’t believe the person who disagreed with me isnt a Shia, anyway.
  3. I’m not sure if it’s just a Shia thing. But in Shia Islam, the marriage is still valid as far as I know. Not sure about Sunni Islam.
  4. No, you won’t have to leave her. For converts, (who married prior to converting) their marriage is an exception. Even a Christian woman who converts to Islam may still stay married to her non-Muslim husband.
  5. This has to be a troll post, or the guy is just not very smart to marry his wife’s best friend.
  6. There are so many ways that you can dislike a sin but not engulf yourself in shame. Such as understanding that one has committed a sin, but also knowing that you can’t keep beating yourself up for it. Shame and guilt is extremely unhealthy, especially when in a marriage. Feeling guilty and ashamed about sex-related issues will spill over to one’s marriage and may prevent fulfilling sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. Just look up how many people suffer from sexual disorders within religious people/couples in marriage due to shame and guilt.
  7. It’s one thing to dislike a sin for yourself, but it’s another thing to be filled with guilt, disgust for one’s self, and shame. These negative feelings are not healthy for your mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. You need to love yourself no matter what, and seek to better yourself without putting yourself down in the process. Trust me, shame and disgust get you no where in life. It’ll ruin your self-esteem, it might attract you to abusive people who prey on your vulnerabilies and your negative self-talk. In order to break the cycle of abuse, you must stop being abusive to yourself (by not engaging in negative self talk) or else you’ll feel worthless at best, or at worst, think you deserve it.
  8. I think we need to caution the OP in getting married solely on the basis of sin (and wether it’s really a sin is debated). She should be only married only when she’s found a guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Getting married for sex is not the best reason to get hitched. What keeps a marriage together and happy is not sex, it’s the relationship outside of the bedroom. If she ends up in a bad marriage because she just wanted to have sex, then it likely will be a destructive relationship because she had not taken her time to find someone suitable. Guilt makes us make bad decisions. OP: let go of the guilt and ask for forgiveness. Guilt is unhealthy when it’s this bad. You need to forgive yourself for your shortcomings and move on.
  9. Thank you, it was nice to read this since I think I get caught up in having everything look perfect, when I think home decor-wise, I like the rustic bohemian (with a few stand alone antique pieces) look more than traditional/classic/renaissance styles, and having things stand out (whereas my parents love to have everything blend together perfectly.) I have black and silver appliances too, with a few copper pots and pans that I only leave out for cooking, not for decoration. Sounds pretty! I think I want to have a lot of flowers and a few loud pieces like a red vintage tea kettle. I’m not sure. It’s hard to stick to a few things because there’s such an array of choices and there are so many things that I like, but I’m reluctant in buying. Maybe it’s also because I’ve never really decorated a place on my own (not even our old apartment). It’ll all come together somehow though. As long as I find interesting pieces I really like.
  10. I pronounce my name Sair-uh, because that’s how we pronounce the name in American English. I think it’s just languages. Like Hannah in Persian is HAA-Na, whereas in English it’s pronounced HAN-Nuh. But if people in Pakistan name their daughters Sair-ah (Sarah) then they are just want to-be Americans.
  11. What’s wrong with Sarah? The correct/classic way to spell it is Sarah, not Sara. (I may be biased because that’s my name. Lol.)
  12. The house we are currently living in is furnished at the essentials/bare necessities so we can add our own personal touch to it. I’m trying to decorate my kitchen as of now and I want some inspiration and ideas. I’ve searched google and Zillow and home decor threads but none of the decor seems to really catch my eye. For now the counters are mostly filled with appliances. I recently bought candle holders and a see through vase with fake pale pink-and-white flowers and antique-looking flour/coffee/sugar holders in hopes of giving the space more personality. (And we bought wooden spoons and are still looking for a utinsal holder.) The color of the kitchen/living room is a grey-ish color with hints of light purple. It’s also an open kitchen, which would be something to consider, and we don’t have a seperate dining area from the kitchen. So the kitchen, our table, and living room are somewhat connected/close together. I was thinking of adding a clock somewhere, a blackboard, backsplash, and a coffee mug rack/wall to store our colorful mugs. What advice would you give me for decorating a kitchen for the first time?
  13. Wow, I love this response. Such a balanced, healthy view, acknowledging all aspects and not repressing anything within yourself. (Repression leads to all sorts of destruction within oneself. I’ve learned this the hard way.) it’s what I’ve feared most within myself, too. It’s so important to have an open heart, as you said. I find that self-exploration is necessary for growth and greater wisdom (even Islamic wisdom). I don’t think people are a disgrace, because at the end of the day, most people are trying their best, and who is to say that it’s not enough? Allah knows what’s in your heart. He knows that Islam is a journey and that everyone has shortcomings. We were made imperfect, and only Allah is perfect. As long as you believe in Him, that’s all that matters. I do agree with you, brother, because being humble is better than doing good and being arrogant. The latter unfortunately plagues the Ummah, where they are on their high horse, not self-aware of the fact that their major arrogance is their downfall, to such an extent that they destroy themselves. I’ve sinned and don’t claim to be perfect, so I hope that Allah sees my efforts. It’s not easy, but I’m trying.
  14. As an ENFP, I completely understand how you INFPs feel. It’s pretty hard, I would say, most of the time. Feeling frustrated and misunderstood and alienated a lot. (As well as being thought of as “too deep”/“too idealistic”/“too sensitive” by others.
  15. ^Brother @Bakir has given you excellent advice, OP, and in fact, I’d recommend it as well. My sister-in-law is a lesbian (not officially “out”, but we all know.) and she left Islam because she couldn’t deal with the guilt anymore. And she was the most pious out of the family. Everyone told her, “Be as sinful as you want, but at least believe in Islam.” But she couldn’t handle the guilt, so she left the religion. Celibacy is truly the only way. If you marry a woman (when you’re gay) you’re not fully committing to her. Sure, you might have children, but you likely will be stuck doing what you don’t want to be doing. No one deserves that.
  16. Why are some people victim-blaming? This person is in clear danger and must be kept away. She’s endured so much, more than anyone would ever understand, and here some of you think you know all the answers. I hate to break it to you, but unless you’re a doctor, or a counselor, or an activist, none of you are in any position to tell her to go back home or to not take medication (if they are necessary, which I don’t think they are in this case.). Women’s shelters exist for a reason, and here is a perfectly good reason to leave. People like the OP’s family should have never been mothers, fathers, and should have learned a few things about being good people. They both should be ashamed of themselves. This is not culture, this is an individual problem, a major problem of perpetuating abuse, and victim-blaming. OP: Never doubt for a second that you did the right thing. Continue to keep in touch with authorities and from counselors, advisers from the women’s shelter. Get a restraining order in case your father hunts you down. A man like that deserves to be put in jail. He’s a danger to his family, himself, and to the greater society. And don’t care about the guilt-trips and manipulate tactics from your mother. She chose her life, she chose her side. She chose your father. She has failed to nurture and to protect you from harm. From now, just block out whatever she says and don’t take her threats seriously. You need to keep yourself safe. You need to heal. Heal and re-build your life, by Allah’s help. Allah has provided you with the resources you need to get through this. Stay strong.
  17. I don’t think he’s being dishonest—he’s just lazier with prayers. Laziness can be worked on. However, what the Sheikh said was very strange. You need to ask a million questions and feel more than 110% ready to marry this person. It sounds like you’re not entirely there yet, so I would wait a little bit, or at least, use the time you have to ask as many questions as possible. Or have this be an open dialogue about prayers, such as, “I’ve noticed x, y, z about your praying habits.” If he discusses it with you, that’s a good sign, but if he tries to shut down the conversation, it may be a red flag or that he’s just embarrassed that he doesn’t always pray on time. But I wouldn’t break things off solely because of prayers. Another man could be practicing, but that doesn’t mean you’d get along. Settling means that a man is lacking in the akhlaq department, and you rush getting married anyway knowing the red flags. In your situation, he doesn’t want to be pushed to pray, so stop acting like his mother. Trust that he prays, maybe not the exact hour or right after the Azaan, but that he does get them done. And try to remember that he’s probably very nervous around in person with you since you two are long distance. Cut him some slack. Although you said you’re not expecting perfection, your post says otherwise. You said you “know for a fact that he doesn’t pray Fajr.” And that “he sleeps until Iftar and misses Zohr and Asr.” As a married woman, who has been with my husband for three years, there are some days where either I or my husband will miss Fajr. Even if he wakes me up, I am too exhausted and fall back asleep immediately. Sometimes my husband is exhausted from work and accidentally sleeps through Isha. Even if I sometimes will wake him up, he goes right back to sleep, gets up in middle of the night to make it up or pray it in the morning. Sometimes my husband is on top of his prayers, and other times, he rests for a couple of hours after work and then prays. This isn’t being dishonest, it’s called being human. I think you’re being incredibly narrow-minded and judgmental. Instead of worrying about his prayers, perhaps you should ask yourself if he’s a good guy? That he treats you well? He seems like a genuine guy who was nervous when meeting you, and you’re judging him like crazy. He hasn’t misled you. No is 100% on top of their prayers all the time, 365 days out of the year. There are things like illness, sleeping in, and just forgetfulness that affect praying on time, even to the most practicing of us. (I couldn’t pray once due to being in the hospital recovering from surgery and didn’t even shower until I was home.) It doesn’t mean that it’s okay, but understand that things happen sometimes. I’m not more religious than my spouse (we are somewhat equal in religiousity, although he’s more religious in some aspects) but I should tell you that practicing Islam is between a person and Allah alone, and that as long as the person is maintaining that connection, who is anyone (or you, specifically) to judge? If he never prayed, drank, and never practiced Islam and showed no inclination to, then I’d understand. But this guy you’re with has not given you a reason to think that he’s not practicing or that he’s mislead you at all. It seems like he wants to pray, is doing so, and is excited to pray with you. He just misses them sometimes. And for the record, although I am now a practicing Muslim, and have been doing so for 4 years, I wasn’t always. But my husband never judged me for it, and never do we nag or push one another to pray—we gently nudge to do things together. If I, out of curiosity and not judgment, ask my husband if he’s prayed and he says, not yet, then I offer to pray together, and now, he prays with me instead of putting it off for a couple of hours.
  18. No one can know for sure if a woman is a virgin ( meaning with or without a hymen, which doesn't not define virginity.) or not since some women are born without hymens or don't bleed during intercourse. Actually, bleeding (the first time) means that you're not fully aroused and ready and that's not a good thing. Bleeding has become a cultural expectation to define virginity. But many women are either born without hymens or they don't bleed until a few times later. There is a mother I know whose husband accused her of not being a virgin (she was) until marriage just because she didn't bleed. She was a virgin but he never believed her. It's time we demolish the cultural concept that in tact hymen = virginity, because it certainly doesn't.
  19. No. Although I'd prefer if the topic would gradually ease into the conversation, and it's not out of the blue and weirdly out of place and blunt and judgy. It really shouldn't matter if someone is a virgin or not. What matters is the big picture.
  20. I mean, the two issues aren't really related, but I understand your point. A name means nothing but whatever you make of it. There are plenty of people out there with religious names whose actions are anything but religious. There are people with ordinary, non-religious names who are the best people I've ever met. As for myself, I love my name, Sarah. It means "Princess" in Hebrew. I don't think any other name would suit me. Can't believe my mother wanted to name me Rose at one point--I don't look like a Rose at all!
  21. Is he really trying to do that? It surely can’t happen.
  22. That Hadith is meant to be taken figuratively so one could avoid sinning. The Qur'an states that no person bears the sins of another.
  23. Since this procedure is halal, I don’t think it’s up to anyone to judge another for choosing gender reassignment surgery. There are plenty of transsexuals who resume normal life and are not ostracized by their families. Families who cut contact with these individuals have not developed empathy to understand such circumstances. Wether it is solely a mental illness, or a combination of both, it doesn’t mean that these issues are not important, and these families also probably think that it’s haram do to a lack of education.
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