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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Everything posted by Islandsandmirrors

  1. Go on reddit and you’ll see a million comments about how love is fairytale.
  2. Instead of this being an article or thread written for advice, I thought it’d be a good idea to talk about love. Your expectations of love, your experiences, and if married, what you’ve done for your spouse to put him or her first. In my understanding, love is still a taboo that exists within society and its cultural (often negative) view of love masking as Islamic. That falling in love or pursuing someone you have romantic feelings for is somehow against Islamic teachings, and that romance and love and passion are unreal, or is something that only exists in movies. In my opinion, while many Muslims may be happy in their marriages, they don’t know how to have strong emotional, romantic connection with their spouses in the same way that Non-Muslims have, or like born-Muslims who have been raised in Western countries, because many don’t see its value or feel awkward. Marriage is seen primarily as a duty to many—and the sense of duty, in my opinion, kills connection. Viewing marriage and marital satisfaction as a duty would make one see halal outlets (like marriage) as a burden and not the relief that Allah has intended it to be. Many Muslims stay married because of the sense of duty, and not because of deep friendship, strong feelings of romantic attachment. It doesn’t help that culture encourages arranged marriages as the “purer” and more preferred method of marriage, where detachment from the opposite sex is heavily enforced. This notion is ridiculous to us American, Canadian, Australian, or British Muslims, who connect with others naturally, male or female, for the sake of connection and not derived from any bad intent, as it is often assumed by others who have not been brought up this way, that have been brought up segregated. What’s inspired me to write this was an article and also watching Ali’s Wedding, where duty and heart are at odds. As a result, here’s a thread in which I would encourage others to talk about love. In talking about love—maybe through a letter to your future spouse, or sharing past experiences with love, or just offering one’s thoughts on friendship, love, and passionate romance, to name a few—maybe we can open up dialogue and cultivate the non-judgmental attitude that this forum so desperately needs and hopefully, become more comfortable with expression once you are married.
  3. Sister, it is so heartbreaking to read your post. I’m so sorry that you had to learn of infidelity. Know that you are not at fault. Your husband definitely does not value the importance of weathering through the storms of marriage (or any issue) and has looked to escape from life. Cheaters cheat due to learned behavior or dissatisfaction that they’ve repressed within themselves. It’s problems that they have, within only themselves, and not on you. Cheating is never your fault. Cheaters are consciously choosing to break their marriage vows. They are not trying to hurt you — they are selfish and impatient. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let me assure you that the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, and a lack of trust is completely normal to feel. Cheating, wether it be emotionally checking out of the relationship or physically being intimate with someone else, can take a toll on your self-esteem. Cheating isn’t like disagreeing with what to eat for dinner: it’s a complete breach of trust and can lead to a break down of the relationship. Understand that you have two options. Neither are more valid or better than the other. What you decide to do will ultimately be the best decision for you. If you decide to stay with your husband, that is entirely your choice. Some women will shame you for staying with a cheater. Some people don’t believe in staying with a person who serially and habitually cheats. You have to decide what you would like to do. No one, unless they’ve been in your shoes, can shame you for the decision to stay, if you choose to do so. Cheating can be worked through, and the couple may come out stronger on the other side. If you want to stay, know that couples counseling is a must. With cheating, you must never do individual counseling, if you want to work on the relationship. That’s mainly because in individual therapy, the therapist is trained for you to view your own happiness and satisfaction as the ultimate importance of one’s life, not about working through the cheating. If you want to stay, tell your husband that counseling is a must, or else you will surely leave him. There is no way around this. If he still has love for you, he will work this with you and attend counseling. If he flat out refuses, he simply doesn’t care enough about you or the relationship. A marriage therapist will be able to get you both to reach a comfortable and steady level of trust. It’ll take time, but eventually, through therapy, you may relearn to trust each other. If you decide to leave, then have a plan. Make sure you have support, a place to live, and file for divorce. If you are afraid to leave due to cultural issues and taboos surrounding divorce, just know that it’s all noise, and to focus on the end goal: to get out of a relationship that doesn’t serve you.
  4. That’s what a psychologist had said in his book. So yes. Atheism is indeed a delusion. And this trickles down to politics, gender identity politics, the war between the sexes, the murder of pre-born, pre-marital sex, the destruction of the institution of marriage and family, and the list goes on.
  5. I agree with your post. However I must add that with regards to mental illness: transgender is now removed from the DSM-5 as a disorder. While the halal or haram nature is debatable, this alone should serve as an interesting point: what is considered “abnormal”? For some perspective: A book was published 10 years ago (by a Christian psychologist) that atheism is a delusion, and essentially, a mental illness that is not listed since it’s so widespread, and this is largely due to a lack of wanting to offend others. Atheism is on the rise due to the breaking down of family, marriage, and what was considered to be morally wrong and unacceptable is now the opposite, due to people following one’s nafs. He even argued that abortion and identity politics are interconnected, and that women who get non-medical abortions tend to rationalize or suppress this guilt and as the result of broken homes and families, and in turn, makes people vulnerable to following current trends, be it makeup, fashion, or your stance on abortion, marriage, divorce, religion.
  6. Do you have a Pandora bracelet? If so, post pics! (I currently have 3, want to start my 4th, so I’d like some ideas!)
  7. I have a bmw, so I’m biased. I think you should get a bmw.
  8. I used to eat out 2-4 times a week. Now on Jenny Craig, it’s almost never. (Two days ago was an exception.)
  9. Lol dude. Get out of here with your humble-bragging. XD “oh I stayed up until Fajr” lol (I appreciate your long message, though. Like, really. Thanks for participating. I hope you’ll stick around on the site.)
  10. It doesn’t work on my phone either, so I record the sound clip on my phone’s voice recording app and send it to my email, download it into my computer and then upload it onto the site.
  11. You don’t have to listen, because it’s frankly no one’s business how a husband and wife want to be intimate. Take preventive measures. No one has to know.
  12. That's just too funny! I remember a teacher of mine said something to his son (who was seven or eight at the time) along the lines of "be nice to your sister because she will have friends that you're going to want to date" Still cracks me up. Hope you enjoyed the picnic! Picnics are always fun.
  13. Well, I did ask people in the voice recording to share what their favorite show/movie on Netflix was. Lol why do so many people think I'm Pakistani? (My ethnicity is Persian, although I consider myself American (where I was born and raised) as I don't really relate to Persian culture.)
  14. I agree, but unfortunately she’s super clingy and not in the best of health at the moment, so I feel bad distancing myself from her.
  15. So how should I tell her to move on?
  16. You can find someone this forum, maybe. Otherwise, you'd be better off sticking to forums which pique your interest. What interests you? Any hobbies? If you are a man, I'd suggest you try and be open with the possibility of meeting a non-Muslim, because who knows? She may convert out of learning about Islam through you.
  17. No one is judging you. Besides, countertenors are cool. Lol what accent did you think I would have?
  18. Lol I have a bit of a sore throat too. - Drink honey and lemon tea - use cough drops (even if you don't have a cold - Eat foods with vitamin c
  19. So the plot has thickened. (Note: I'll be posting gifs. It's meant to be silly.) My husband's female coworker (the same one I'd talked about in a previous thread.) texted me really upset and said she wanted to meet up with me for dinner. I asked her to elaborate on what was going on (her psychiatrist fired her recently) but she said she wanted to meet up in person. So we met up, and she started talking about about life, and her psychiatrist and etc. Then she said that she wanted to work on her marriage, and I said, "Hey, that's great. It's great that you want to work on it." But then she said that she still had feelings for the other coworker guy (the married man in the process of divorce whom she had a one night stand with). So then she goes on to explain how they still talk and flirt and he asked if she was still in her marriage through text. What I want her to say (when he approaches her): What she actually says: Although she acknowledges that he flirts and tries to get with any girl he can, she says that this is him supposedly "mellowed a bit" a 40. And that she still likes him because of how he makes her feel. I asked, "Why do you want to be with someone who sleeps around like that? Someone who can't commit?" She said, "I get it. It's a coping mechanism. He's feels really lonely." Apparently it's not enough that he tried to get with THREE other coworkers at one point. Nor that he got another woman accidentally pregnant. But apparently he blabbed his mouth and said that he has three estates that will be passed down to him (he said this to that woman he got pregnant) And the woman he got pregnant said she would get an abortion (she lied, of course.) So now she is still currently married and is into that player. All the while I'm hearing this I want to tell her: She has misplaced empathy on a guy who clearly doesn't care (nor respect) her whatsoever. Part 3 (soon)
  20. I thought I was going to meet my spouse in university. That’s always how I envisioned it because, to me, that’s the most common way most people meet. But like others have said, it happens when it happens. You know that it’s different with them somehow, and yet, there is no major sign in the beginning like, “I’m going to marry this person”. You might think that once you get to know each other, but if there’s none of the “the chorus sang and the clouds parted, and that’s when I knew” moment or upon meeting each other. I don’t think either of us thought that from that PM, we’d now be married, because neither of us were looking for a relationship at the time nor did I ever think online relationships would ever work. However, I do know that there was some fate involved because he was the only Muslim on that site. (But he’s not of my ethnicity) I do believe that you will find your spouse when you’ll least expect it. When you’re not really looking. EDIT: never also thought I’d get married after a week-long official (with the ring) engagement.
  21. Don't give up, man. There's someone out there for everyone. I have no idea what matrimonial sites are like, but I can imagine how frustrated you must feel with the experience of having someone ghost on you or catfishing/wasting your time. I'm sure that there are tons of non-compatible people that you'd have to weed through to get to someone of substance. But, within any modern dating/finding someone, that's just the way it goes. In real life, you'd likely be going through a similar process of disappointment, but that shouldn't stop you from finding "your person". I'm not an expert by any means, but I may be able to offer some advice. I hope you'll find these useful: 1. Join a forum In my opinion, forums are better (if you're interested in meeting someone online) than matrimonial sites because you'll be actively choosing to get to know someone based on post history, and forum interactions, which, in my opinion, can be useful for determining if someone is right for you. Allow conversation to happen organically, because that way, interest in each other will develop with time instead of pressuring others for commitment that they might not be sure yet. 2. Develop genuine connection It's fine if a girl is a little shy in the beginning, but if excuses become her go-to for talking on the phone, Skyping, meeting up in person, take that as a red flag to move on. Don't try to force connection or actively try and reach for a deadline in which you think that things have to reach that next step. Take the pressure off yourself (and her) and learn to fully enjoy conversation without any expectations in the beginning. That might allow a woman to feel comfortable to open up to you, at her own pace. Try to not move too fast unless you are 100% certain that she's okay with it and on the same page as you are. Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help. Maybe it'd be better if you elaborated on what's been happening so I can give you specific advice (further advice would depend on context.)
  22. Aww, love ya Timeless! Let's hear your voice!
  23. Not that I can think of, but I’m sure there are sources out there that prove jinn possession. But today, I think it’s become more of a cultural thing, especially when blaming everything on jinn possession.
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