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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Everything posted by Islandsandmirrors

  1. Lol it’s funny—if I made a thread like this, you’d all think it’s inappropriate. But when a guy creates a fun thread, it’s all of a sudden okay.
  2. I don’t actually see the stubbornness in your posts in which you talk about. I think other people on this site are way more stubborn, to be honest.
  3. Is it every non-Muslim? Or are the people of the book considered believers? Who are disbelievers?
  4. Lol while this is funny, if you “have to deal” with unsatisfactory husband, then that’d be pretty miserable. Ideally a husband would enhance your life.
  5. People get married all the time. Some stay together, others divorce. Here are some reasons why getting into a marriage might be a bad idea. 1. For sex and intimacy I get it; you want to keep the relationship halal. But getting married solely for sex and intimacy or because you need to satisfy your desires is a sure fire way to regret getting hitched. Rushing to get married solely for the sake of the fear of crossing boundaries might make you neglect how right of a partner you’re with is for you. You can find anyone to get married and have sex, but you can’t find just anyone to understand and support you during the good times and the bad. What if you married someone with a different communication style, has anger issues, or are generally incompatible? Then you’ll be forced to work out, all because you rushed into getting married without really getting to know someone. (And married couples aren’t getting it on 24/7—there’s something called living life—cooking, being in school, living together, having to spend time with each other, going on vacation, raising kids. Most relationships don’t revolve around sex and intimacy.) And if you think you can just get divorced, think again. When you’re married, and likely have children, shared finances, a support system counting on you to stay together, divorce becomes a lot more complicated. Divorce is expensive. Divorce can be a complex emotional process. It’s better in many cases to try and work things out with your partner than it is it leave. (And lets not forget that divorce regret is very real—up to 40% experience divorce regret) 2. Pressure You think you have a “biological clock that’s ticking”. Maybe it’s family that’s pressuring you to get married. Maybe it’s the community or maybe that people are starting to ask you questions. Getting pressured into marriage might lead you to not pick a suitable match. Heres the deal: get married when YOU want to. Not because people are gossiping, not because you’re a single mom/dad, not because “it’s what you’re supposed to do” and don’t get married on anyone else’s timeline such as, “you’ve been talking for 6 months-one year—when are you going to get married?” No one else is going to be married to that person but you, so make a good and smart decision about a LIFE partner and not Mr... Right-Now. 3. Guilt and manipulation (see above) Some bad reasons to get divorced 1. “We’ve drifted apart” Every relationship has its ebbs and its flows—sometimes the ebbs last a few days, a few months, or years—but just because things have become boring or “you’ve become two different people” it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn and navigate coming back together as a couple. Find little ways to connect again, with no expectations. Go for a date night, communicate, bring fun and laughter into the relationship. 2. No longer feeling “in love” Getting married in the infatuation phase, which lasts anywhere between 3 to 6 months, when the relationship still feels new and exciting, sets the expectation that things will always feel intensely lovely. As attraction and love mature and develop, the strong feelings of lust and desire will be more toward an equilibrium. Getting divorced just because you don’t feel strong feelings is wrong because love is not only a feeling, but a commitment. 3. Lack of sex and intimacy if your sex drives are mismatched, or you’re tired because of raising children, and one or both of you are dissatisfied with the amount of intimacy, you can put in the “spark” back in by one or both of you doing things. Getting divorced for the sake of having sex with someone else is selfish and cruel. 4. Rushing into divorce (for any reason unless the person is abusive, has money management issues to the point of ruining your stability, or the person has cheated, or has an addiction.) I’m a firm believer that abusers, addicts, cheaters will never change. Quit enabling their bad behavior by making excuses for them, or by staying. Find the courage to leave, and never look back. However, most people are not abusers, addicts, or cheaters. Most people get divorced over “lack of commitment” (70%) and “irreconcilable differences”. Fix your marriage, don’t divorce over nothing!
  6. Choosing a man to help raise her children or to have a companion is perfectly fine. However, such a woman who seeks a man who already has a wife should realize that those men aren’t looking to help a woman raise her children—they mostly want to take advantage of her to escape everyday life. They rarely want to commit to a second woman in their life. If a woman is looking for a companion and a father for her children, she should seek out single or divorced men.
  7. I think most people should acknowledge that some men do get second wives to feel like they still “got it”. It’s a way for them to fulfill their fantasies that they are still young, and desirable. Other men commit haram prior to marrying a second woman. In this case, I would say that these men want to escape their real lives and have fun, selfishly. As if women aren’t sacrificing themselves for the families. I don’t believe that @2Timeless hates men. I think she’s just very smart and can see through egotistical men. To which I would say: why would you want a man who is selfish to marry a second wife in secret, and keep her that way, for years? That kind of man brings little to no value, trust, or love in a relationship. The kind of man who keeps secret second or third wives and easily falls for a home wrecker’s charms is not someone of integrity. Avoiding those sort of men is smart. Unfortunately, people will use the “men are allowed to have second wives” to manipulate a woman to just take any sub-par treatment from her husband. It’s an abuse of power for some who become vulnerable to bad men.
  8. I don’t get close and joke around with men. I am however, friendly with everyone.
  9. I feel like many men will precieve that the woman he’s friends with, likes him because because she’s nice. Some women are just nice with everyone and it doesn’t mean anything. Seriously, I have always minded my own business and kept men at arm’s-length, but that didn’t stop some men from becoming attracted to me. I used to feel really insecure about it and didn’t want any man to find me attractive, because I internalized the shame associated with it. It’s not a woman’s fault if a man falls for a woman’s personality—no man can expect a woman to stop being herself or stop being nice just because guys get attracted. I don’t wear revealing clothing, don’t show off my figure—I’m just myself. The only difference now is that guys notice the ring on my finger and they know that there are boundaries to not cross.
  10. The problem with men getting second wives is that usually haram is committed prior, with the second wife before marrying, and it’s kept in secret. I don’t think Muslim men would do multiple wives justice. They wouldn’t treat their wives all fairly with as much affection and care as the other. The only group who only seem to treat their wives well are Mormon Fundamentalists. Nothing is kept secret between them. And they seem surprisingly accepting and happy.
  11. How so? I conducted a poll asking how many partners one has had, have done a lot of research, and have non-Muslim friends. Many do sleep around to get over breakups, to fill a void, have a few drinks before it leading to sex. Are you saying I’m incorrect? To everyone: I’m not saying that Muslims don’t sleep around at all, or that we are all virginal elvish beings who have never even spoken to the opposite sex—some Muslims sleep around, just less often.
  12. ^ Lol you THINK that many non-Muslims aren’t sleeping around. That’s what I thought too until I learned the truth. The majority do.
  13. Everyone knows that sleeping around, and not under the context of a loving relationship or the occasional fling here or there, wether by halal or haram means, is wrong societally and it may likely ruin the reputation of both men and women. You can try to justify it however you want, but no one likes a person who is unwilling to control himself. The same applies for men in search of a permanent wife. No man likes a woman who has been around the block too many times. Why do you think women lie about their partner count? No matter how many women you find for mutah, I very much doubt that a Muslim man’s partner count will be in the 20s-50s like the average non-Muslim, simply because the community is way more tight-knit and prone to gossip, and a man won’t always be willing to give his daughter to be the source of someone’s temporary pleasure. It’s much harder to find women willing to do mutah than it is to commit Zina with someone you’ve met at a bar. Why are some trying to defend sleeping around? Most decent men would never do so. Just because something is acceptable, does not mean it doesn’t create a psychological impact on one’s self. Everyone knows that the more sexual partners one has, the less likely you are to be satisfied sexually in a permanent marriage because you’ll have experienced too many people to develop a commitment mindset.
  14. ^ agsin, you keep clinging to mutah when the topic is about NON-Muslims who sleep around. Maybe brush up on your reading comprehension.
  15. The discussion isn’t even about mutah. The OP is about non-Muslims who have multiple sexual partners in the double or even triple digits prior to marriage and how people like that can never understand true commitment.
  16. I’m confused... you’re saying that sex is not special? That to think of sex as something special to only be shared by a husband and wife (mutah or Nikah) is to “Christianize” it? I’ve never heard such bollocks in my life. Of course sex is special and to not be cheaply given away to some stranger, mutah or through a one-night stand. Your body (and sex) is worth more than that. The intention of mutah is to make a halal alternative for those who can’t afford to get married permanently, not so one can sleep around. If one’s intention of mutah IS to sleep around, then this is no better than the non-Muslims who have haram encounters and selfishly “test run” a relationship. Studies have shown that the less partners one has prior to permanent marriage, the more likely the marriage is to be successful and couples rate highly their marriage satisfaction. Couples who have even had 5-10 partners increase their divorce rate significantly.
  17. This is very true. In another forum I was on (I wrote a recent thread on it) many people pointed out how “in love” I was with my husband. What they meant was they’d never seen commitment like that, especially at my age. Actually, I don’t think my or anyone else’s age is the main factor. Non-Muslims who live together before marriage and commit Zina are, as a whole, less likely to commit to their marriages. Even the couples who were together years before marriage have no problem divorcing only a few years after over nothing. Lack of commitment is the number one reason most marriages today end in divorce—not abuse, not alcoholism—commitment. I even mentioned there that the mindset to commit must be there prior to marriage, or else even marriages will fail to work out. Obviously, I was met with resistance and was told something along the lines of people “need to date lots of people and discover what they want.” They even encouraged another woman in her early twenties to leave her seven year relationship all because she was getting a bit bored, and that most people shouldn’t stay with someone they dated since high school. They have no problem telling others to leave their relationships over juvenile things such as boredom and wanting to “travel and find one’s self.” Not to mention that many men and women have likely had sexual partners in the double digits by the time they are in their mid-twenties. Do they really think that they are built for marriage and commitment?
  18. Obviously, we all know that Zina or sex outside of marriage is haram. I think I found out why today. Non-Muslims have no shame in having 10, 20, even 50 different sexual partners and they think it’s all fun. Zina make sexual intimacy between a husband and wife cheap. I always wondered why sex before marriage was a sin if you were going to get married to that person, however most people who commit Zina aren’t intending to get married, at least not right away, and that’s why Allah says that it’s an indecency and an evil way.
  19. I’m on WeddingBee, where people discuss their marriage, relationships, engagement rings, etc. I posted on there that we live in my parents’ second home and I got tons of backlash, saying that I was immature all because I was financially not independent, that my “marriage is not a marriage” and that I shouldn’t be married, and that the way I’m living is not reality. That I’m 23, got married after a week long engagement, what do I know about the world, etc. it was honestly disgusting how catty and bitter some of the women are and were attacking me personally. All because I said that people in relationships shouldn’t live together before marriage and it’s a fairly modern concept in another thread. So needless to say, I made quite a few enemies and I’ve closed my account since whatever thread I made after that also got closed. And what’s worse is that the women kept bringing up irrelevant topics. AND they said that they couldn’t wait for life to bite me in the rear end and couldn’t wait to see “how the relationship will play out” (implying that I’ll get divorced.) I also mentioned that there is a married female coworker who slept with another married male coworker whom I told my husband to be careful about her because she has a lack of morals and that she might assault you. I was called controlling and insecure. I’m not the only one who has had problems with this forum and they also recently had attacked a 22 year old who asked a question on social media couples. Many non-Muslims don’t know a thing about morals. They think that their way of living is the only right way and everyone else is wrong, and thus, even when they find the right man, many will not be able to keep him because they don’t know how to keep him attracted and happy. EDIT: I’ve seen many people on that site telling women to leave their 7 year relationships when they said are bored, and when I said she needs to commit to working it out and spicing things up, they told me it was not a marriage and therefore didn’t need to make it work. Need some replies @notme, @Hameedeh, @ireallywannaknow, @2Timeless
  20. I agree with this. It’s true that mental illness can cause auditory and visual hallucinations. In fact, I think this might be true for the majority. However, I don’t think we can completely deny that some people might be able to see their existence by Allah’s will. Since we believe in Angels and in Jinns, it would make sense that a few would be able to see them. So how much of it is as result of mental illness and how much of it is due to Islamic belief?
  21. Update: I told my dad that we are getting our own apartment because we don't want to wait on the house, so we are moving things today and tomorrow to the house since I guess he doesn't want us to rent an apartment.
  22. Yes they did. We could have afforded the apartment, but they said it wasn't worth paying the rent.
  23. ALLAHUMMA SALE ALLA Mohammed VA AHLE Mohammed. May Allah forgive all Shias with good hearts, good intentions, and those who treat others well. Those who are struggling with their faith and those who have transgressed their bounds due to ignorance. May Allah forgive every soft hearted person, and every kind individual, wether Sunni or Shia, Christian or Jew, and guide them to the true Islam. May Allah forgive those who realize their limitations and mistakes and seek to make things right with others.
  24. In the end, we are all just people. And that's what matters. None of us are special. Only Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is and His messengers and the Prophet (عليه السلام) and The Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) are special. The rest of us are just ordinary people. Some of us have a head start to Jannat for being Shia and a good person, and others have to find it to be forgiven, and others will be forgiven due to Allah's (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) mercy. We are all capable of being either the best or the worst of creation. EDIT: I forgot to answer your original question. You probably feel this way because you likely realize the deeper side of these issues. That people are multi-dimensional, and that appearances, saying you're a Shia or a Sunni, mean nothing if you aren't a good enough person. So often we think that someone is good just because they look Islamic on the outside, or when we label ourselves as one or another. You probably realize that labels mean nothing. Some Sunnis are exceptional people. Some Shias are despicable and an embarrassment. To be honest, we bring the embarrassment upon ourselves with defending practices (this goes for Sunnis too, especially on Niqab and FGM practices.) that have no basis in reality or of the Sunnah of the Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام). Instead we all, wether Sunni or Shia, mix in practices due to cultural and call it Islam. Since Shias are a minority, cultural practices can overtake religion, and that's what makes some Sunnis better than some Shias.
  25. To be honest, you should be feeling blessed that you feel this way because you won't become arrogant as a result of being Shia. Instead, saying Alhamdulilah for being Shia would suffice, because we Shias have a greater chance of being in Jannat inshallah. And that to me, is a blessing. Not something to be proud and arrogant about, not something to be scared of, not something to look down on others. Honestly, brother/sister, I'm more concerned for our Shias who think they are God's gift to the universe and that they are somehow "the chosen ones" and handpicked, so to speak, by Allah. And that, in my opinion can be our downfall, due to the Shaitan (LA on him a million times) messing with us as a result. We are not special. Allah has only blessed us with guidance and wisdom. We should be thankful only to Him as a result of this. You could say that we Shias becoming arrogant as a result is also a test. Will we become arrogant as a result of His mercy, and destroy ourselves, or will we be thankful and do good to others. At the end of the day, wether we are Sunni or Shia has little importance if we are bad people. Maybe Allah will forgive a Sunni for his transgressions in faith, and in his/her practices, if his/her intentions were good, and perhaps not forgive some arrogant Shias who would treat others horribly and still have the audacity to boast about Ziarat and Hajj and never miss a prayer. Prayers done the correct way, fasting, ziarat, etc, is supposed to serve as reminders to be good to others, not be a source of arrogance. If one becomes arrogant just for being a Shia, then it's clear that such a person has learned nothing at all about Islam or what the Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) taught us.
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