RevertSister

JazakAllah for your message. I agree, that’s what drives me crazy the most! I don’t see why it’s a problem when me and my husband go out ( without anyone else tagging along! ) ..the fact I do what I do within this household but when MIL feels annoyed with me she backbites and tells family members I’m lazy and don’t do anything and tells my SIL to tell my husband I need to do more! That actually broke me a little as I’ve tried so hard to fit in and make so much effort to get on with everyone yet she makes me feel trapped here! Dislike so much. A family meeting will happen soon to discuss his mums behaviour, I know she will play the victim or start crying or swearing.. end of the day she’s in the wrong and I really have seen her true colours. Since all of this has happened I can’t see her the way I used to, a part of me dislikes her which makes me feel sad. In shaa Allah it all gets resolved, hoping to move out if not then my parents house is the option I’m thinking of taking. Xx

As salaam alaicum. Thanks for your reply. I agree to an extent as I can never be 100% sure what she truely thinks of me! But she does always have an opinion on things I do eg going out with friends and going to see my family or even when it’s just me and my husband going somewhere! Which is not allowed lol. She interferes way too much and I can’t cope with it anymore, really hope we do live separately! I would of been quite happy living with in laws but MILs behaviour does effect our marriage and also my relationship with her. I’m in 2 minds to tell my family about this but I also don’t want my family to worry or change how she feels and sees my in laws.

Yes before we got married he said he wanted to stay living with his parents so he can look after them and stay as a family. I was fine to compromise with that but you never know how the circumstance is going to be until your in it. Its me my husband mil Fil sil and her daughter. My sil is divorced that’s why her and her daughter live with us. Yeah I can see her saying something along those lines too or something manipulative to make her look like the victim and I’ve done wrong. My fil doesn’t know any of this, he and my mil don’t have the best of relationships they are barely around each other. Sunni family

Yes I agree with you. definitely is a culture clash here and only way I see it being resolved is if me and my husband live separately.

Salaams. Thanks for your reply. I understand what your saying, You say the abuse doesn’t seem to be very bad but its emotional abuse just because she doesn’t hit me doesn’t mean I’m not hurting. Abuse is abuse no matter what level it is. It’s not acceptable and it shouldn’t be compared to other lengths of abuse and be classed as ok. I’ve been living here for 3 years but I don’t feel like its home. I’ve tried my ultimate best to fit in with my in laws and make as much effort with them as possible. My in laws don’t speak much English so there was already a language barrier, I tried my best to communicate and make as much effort as possible. I now understand Gujarati quite well, And learnt how to make so many Indian dishes. Learnt how to make rotis and so many other dishes so that I can help around the house. I compromised living with them to make my husband and them happy. In return I’ve been made to feel depressed, unappreciated and an outsider. A bit of me feels broken, I dispise living here now, every day I look forward to just going back to sleep. Is that normal? Is that ok for in laws to make their DIL feel like this. Would you want your own daughter to feel this way and tell her the abuse isn’t very bad?

W.salaam. I’m not quite sure what your implying but are you condoning what my MIL is doing to be ok? I should just accept it? If you had a daughter would you let her be treated like this? Islam says NOTHING about obidenece towards in laws, in fact a daughter in law has no duties towards them at all, her main priority is her husband and that’s it. Besides islamicly we shouldn’t mix culture and religion together!

As salaam alaicum. Thank you so much for your reply! I’m a white British revert الحمد لله been a Muslim since I was 21 got married when I was 23. MIL does cook but I cook just as much and no one else does any of the other chores in the house but I never have complained, until now. I’ve tried so hard to fit in with his family, most of the time they speak Gujarati and not much English. I’ve actually picked it up and understand pretty much everything. My SILs daughter is 5, and yeah she is put with me for me to take care of her and a few times my MIL has shouted at me about taking her out with me. Everyone in the family sees how she is always put with me for me to take care of her. Even when I went doctors the doctor asked how is my daughter, I was like I don’t have one haha. I know pretty soon I will start to hate her and I don’t want it to get to that but the way things are it’s inevitable. Her behaviour doesn’t make me think differently about Islam at all, I know she is an issue of her own self. I have spoken to my husband about this matter yesterday. MIL is in India right now, when she comes back he said he’s going to sit down with MIL & the SIL that told me what she’s been saying and also my 2 older BILs. See what she says, if it escalates or she admits what she has said my husband said he’s with me 100% and she shouldn’t treat me this way and if it comes to it we will get a place of our own he said he wants me to feel at home. الحمد لله so happy he has stud by me like this, really surprised as he’s such a mummy’s boy. I know my MIL is going to be soooo angry as she swears so much and is very hot headed eeek. I kind of feel guilty but end of the day her attitude it’s not right and the situation needs to be dealt with.

Salaams. Yes my MIL is Indian

I’ve been married for coming up to 3 years. I live with my MIL & FIL and most the time my SIL & her daughter live here too. I cook dinner every day, sometimes even cook afternoon food too. I’m from a different culture, my in laws are Indian and they eat curry everyday for lunch. I’ve learnt how to cook lots of Indian food! I help out around the house, I do majority of the cleaning every other day eg hoover, keep kitchen clean & the 2 bathrooms once a week. I wash everyone’s clothes every Saturday morning, normally do 3 loads. My SILs daughter is very close to me she always wants me and wants to go everywhere with me that ppl think she’s my daughter. If me and my husband go shopping ( just me and him ) it’s an issue with my MIL, she will call my other SIL and start moaning about it, being all upset and angry. MIL doesn’t like us going anywhere without her basically. MIL always back bites about me saying I don’t do anything around the house, I don’t cook or clean. I just sit all day doing nothing and tells my SIL to tell my husband about this. Her attitude; it’s really starting to make me resent her. She’s all nice and smiles to my face but to my SIL she complains about me too much. she expects me to not go out with my friends, and when I do she complains asking why I even go and I go out too much. I go out once a week if that? Seriously. And complaining about me not cleaning and cooking when I do it everyday? . I go to my mums house every Friday and MIL doesn’t like it, and when I come back she always gives me dirty looks. Even when me and hubby want to go upstairs and just watch a movie together and chill, just have our own space together, it’s an issue we have to take SILs daughter upstairs with us! All of this makes me feel so annoyed. I’ve spoken to my husband about this before but he is adamant to stay living with his mum and dad. We were so close to breaking up before about this exact same issue, we had such a big bust up. He will NOT live separate, he would rather divorce me. I’m not happy living here anymore because of the way my MIL is. Really don’t know what to do. I’m trying to conceive as-well but I’m thinking twice about that now due to the way things are and I think they’ll get even worse if I had a baby whilst living here! Which makes me feel really sad as I desperately would love to have a child..

Indian culture. When you get married that doesn't mean u can no longer have a social life with friends. I don't want a break from my husband at all, I just want some time to myself as I'm continuously around his family. I'm used to having my own space and having time alone and since moving in with in laws I can't get that until night time, or else I will get questioned why I'm upstairs in my room etc. Whenever me and my husband go out we always take his mum with us and his siblings. We don't get much time alone to do things or else his mother will take it bad that she wasn't invited to come along. Anyway, my husband is at work and me and my friend wanted to have some girly time together. Don't really see it as a big issue tbh. Even if I wanted to stay at my mums house for a few days/ week.. that would also be an issue with my mother in law.

I love this. So true! I'm still going, my husband said I can still go so regardless of what she thinks she has no say in the matter. Mother in law was scolding at me last night and giving me the dirtiest looks and shaking her head. Regardless I'm going and I'm going to have fun

I agree with you. It's a cultural clash we are having and as me and my mother in law can't have a general conversation due to language barrier it makes things harder. But if my husband has said I can go, it has nothing to do with the mother in law. I get my husband has to respect his mum but then how can he let her try to control me like that. It's not the first time I haven't been able to go out because she thinks women aren't supposed to. I'm around his family 24/7 and when I go to see mine it seems like it's an issue. Me having a little break with my friend is harmless we aren't doing anything haram.

thanks for your message. I get what your saying but it's not her place to be upset with me. If my husband has given me permission she has no say. Also I can not leave without saying so myself to her. I would love to live separate and not share facilities but that will never happen.

I completely understand where your coming from. But I am always around my in laws , always take them out with me and my husband. My husband is busy working , I don't see any harm in having girly time away with a friend. It's good to get your own space and be able to have a social life. If it was really an issue with my husband he would of said no to begin with. Considering my husband said yes and my friends husband said yes I don't see their being an issue. I understand his mum has cultural differences with me but I respect and compromise a lot with his family so I don't see me having some fun with a friend as a big issue.

I know you meant no harm I'd love to send it but wouldn't go down well