Every time I look back at my history I see myself depressed, I can't seem to remember if I was ever happy inside, I just want to remember one moment, just one moment, so I can feel it, remember it and try to experience again, I've forgotten what its like.
All I remember is my fake smiles and laughs, I try by best to distract myself with reading and extra prayers (which calms me down) but its gets overwhelming at certain times, the frustrating part is after all these years I think I know whats causing it, but I'm too scared to do anything about it, it feels like if I open the door a beast will engulf me, so I make sure it stays at the corner of my mind, oppressed.
I'm at very very very low point right now, I have never let any of this out before, I heard writing things out would help, it doesn't seem like it's working, maybe that kind of thing is meant for when the mind is cluttered.
I can overcome this, but i'm to scared to overcome it, so it seems I have chosen to stay depressed, there's also the chance I'm wrong about the root cause so there's that too.
Goodnight everyone, my apologies for posting this type of post.