Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله

Lilly14

Advanced Member
  • Content Count

    199
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Reputation Activity

  1. Like
    Lilly14 reacted to Diaz in Should I end my engagement?   
    No, I meant if he is continuing his studies, then she should wait a little bit. 
  2. Like
    Lilly14 got a reaction from PureExistence1 in Should I end my engagement?   
    Planning/promising going to college is not always enough. Anyone can say they are planning to do something to get their someone to accept them, but not everyone will follow through with their promise... And a broken promise can lead to resentment.
  3. Like
    Lilly14 got a reaction from WisdomAndAnswers in Should I end my engagement?   
    In my own life I agree with all of these pointing since I'm seeking a spouse too. I grew up with very low income dad and inshaallah I don't want to subject myself to the horror my mom faced trying to care for a family with so little and very little modern appliances like dishwasher and washer and dryers for years while other families had them, that accumulated to her poor health, and I don't want to deprive my kids completely of a strong educational foundation that you can't build for your child without money for a good private school or top notch tutors, unless you have the ability and time to always tutor your child yourself on advanced topics. And a strong educational foundation is required in such an increasingly cut throat competitive day and age, and being deprived of it, I am still immensely struggling as a result. But alhamdollilah I have health and Inshaallah me and everyone's problems and health get better bekhayr. 
  4. Like
    Lilly14 got a reaction from WisdomAndAnswers in Should I end my engagement?   
    Planning/promising going to college is not always enough. Anyone can say they are planning to do something to get their someone to accept them, but not everyone will follow through with their promise... And a broken promise can lead to resentment.
  5. Thanks
    Lilly14 reacted to ireallywannaknow in Should I end my engagement?   
    My advice:
    You'll regret it, don't do it. Financial stress in a marriage is no joke. Marry a man with at least ambition and you will be able to respect him. If you don't respect your husband, then the marriage can't work. 
    Sidenote: I feel like movies romanticize marrying poor but being in love. Real life is not like this. I almost married a man with no ambition but backed out at the last minute alhamdulillah. It was a tough time after the breakup but now I'm married to a not rich man but a man who works hard and is very ambitious and I am so grateful to Allah and very happily married. inshaAllah you will find someone better. 
  6. Like
    Lilly14 reacted to Moalfas in Should I end my engagement?   
    There's your answer. Don't get into a marriage you don't feel confident about. 
  7. Completely Agree
    Lilly14 got a reaction from AliTanjiro in why do women like men?   
    Lots of girls have low self esteem because of western society's beauty standards or because of childhood abuse/neglect so they'll easily accept a sub-par guy because they don't believe they deserve better, or they're naive and believe their spouse will change one day, or the people around her encourage her to put up with the bare minimum effort her spouse puts into their marriage or encourage her to put up with the abuse/cheating because in certain cultures women are expected to tolerate more bad behavior from their spouse, compared to men. 
    Plus bad boys and/or covert narcissists are good at manipulating/finding naive or low self esteem girls who they know will tolerate their bad behavior long term. 
  8. My Prayers
    Lilly14 got a reaction from starlight in Should I end my engagement?   
    In my own life I agree with all of these pointing since I'm seeking a spouse too. I grew up with very low income dad and inshaallah I don't want to subject myself to the horror my mom faced trying to care for a family with so little and very little modern appliances like dishwasher and washer and dryers for years while other families had them, that accumulated to her poor health, and I don't want to deprive my kids completely of a strong educational foundation that you can't build for your child without money for a good private school or top notch tutors, unless you have the ability and time to always tutor your child yourself on advanced topics. And a strong educational foundation is required in such an increasingly cut throat competitive day and age, and being deprived of it, I am still immensely struggling as a result. But alhamdollilah I have health and Inshaallah me and everyone's problems and health get better bekhayr. 
  9. Like
    Lilly14 got a reaction from Moalfas in Should I end my engagement?   
    Planning/promising going to college is not always enough. Anyone can say they are planning to do something to get their someone to accept them, but not everyone will follow through with their promise... And a broken promise can lead to resentment.
  10. My Prayers
    Lilly14 got a reaction from Moalfas in Should I end my engagement?   
    In my own life I agree with all of these pointing since I'm seeking a spouse too. I grew up with very low income dad and inshaallah I don't want to subject myself to the horror my mom faced trying to care for a family with so little and very little modern appliances like dishwasher and washer and dryers for years while other families had them, that accumulated to her poor health, and I don't want to deprive my kids completely of a strong educational foundation that you can't build for your child without money for a good private school or top notch tutors, unless you have the ability and time to always tutor your child yourself on advanced topics. And a strong educational foundation is required in such an increasingly cut throat competitive day and age, and being deprived of it, I am still immensely struggling as a result. But alhamdollilah I have health and Inshaallah me and everyone's problems and health get better bekhayr. 
  11. Completely Agree
    Lilly14 reacted to King in Should I end my engagement?   
    Tough position to be in but at the very least you shouldn't rush into this marriage.  It's totally reasonable on your part to expect at least some effort on his part towards something tangible.  If he cares about you and his future then he should be able to demonstrate this on some level.  You should make this clear and have practical discussions because marriage goes far beyond love and emotions.
  12. Like
    Lilly14 reacted to EthidiumIodide in Should I end my engagement?   
    We need to unpack what you have said.
    1. You say he has a good heart and a good personality. He is really nice and kind.
    2. You say you love him. 
    3. He does not have money or a job and his family is not giving enough jewelry or cake. This seems to be the reason you want to break it off?
    4. You say you are engaged (I assume this means you are Islamically married). If you were to walk away, both you and him would be divorcees. 
    To me, I wonder how this situation was even entered into when there is so much uncertainty. If you love the man, then you should tell him that he needs to provide for you and that you don't want/can't live together on welfare. You need to have tough conversations. If you cannot have those conversations now, you will have those conversations later. I guarantee it. 
  13. Sad
    Lilly14 reacted to starlight in LooSuccessful women find it hard to get married   
    I don't know about the getting married part but they certainly have difficulty staying married in my culture.Lolz. Not saying it is their fault, it's just that the on the average women have evolved more in the past two decades and men haven't kept up the pace. So in a patriarchal male dominated society successful women are even higher up on the rung in terms of brains, emotional intelligence, survival skills. Such women appeal to men when it comes to marriage but later on they start feeling insecure and for most of them the only way to exert dominance is by putting her down. In western culture all this happens before marriage and in the desi culture afterwards. 
  14. Like
    Lilly14 reacted to Moalfas in LooSuccessful women find it hard to get married   
    There's certainly an element of intimidation with some men who would have their own insecurities to begin with. 
    That's an issue for the man to worry about. A man comfortable in his own skin wouldn't worry  about the level of success of his partner, he would rather support her. 
    As people's age increases, and based on their previous experiences, their standards also tend to increase which also plays a part in the 'difficulty' of mature successful people finding partners. 
    That being said, I think it's always a better match when both partners are similar in their level of education/career/success etc as it helps more things fall into place and makes it less likely for one partner to take advantage of a 'better position'. 
  15. Completely Agree
    Lilly14 reacted to 2Timeless in why are all the marriage thread made by brothers?   
    So well said! To be perfectly honest  I think theres something seriously wrong with Muslim men. They grow up with alot of freedom, and many Muslim men abuse that freedom by acting upon their desires and seeking the romantic relationships they otherwise wouldnt have, all in secret. This all happens while they, in front of their parents beg for a marriage to a perfect little girl who looks great on paper. On the other hand, most Muslim women don’t have as much freedom at all, and they grow up with a society that romanticizes everything and anything! They deal with the pressure from wanting to get married and gain more freedom all the while having to please their parents and act all graceful and never show the slightest interest in marriage unless it is initiated by another party. 
    Most of the men who make these threads have probably had relationships in the past. What's up with men? Why can’t they be half as patient as women are? Why can’t they show a little more restraint? 
    Bottom line is; men need to be more manly and practice more self restraint and deal with the hardships that come with being a Muslim human. 
    ***
    End of rant. Apologies to the men to whom this does not apply, but everything I said was true 
  16. Thanks
    Lilly14 got a reaction from hasanhh in why are all the marriage thread made by brothers?   
    You misunderstood. I'm saying single and married men talk about their problems less to other men or their families, in comparison to how much single or married women talk to their families or other women about their problems. 
  17. Like
    Lilly14 got a reaction from MM:) in why are all the marriage thread made by brothers?   
    I think maybe it has to do with communication at least partly. Unfortunately, men are less likely to speak to others even privately about their problems. So I guess an anonymous place like shiachat has that appeal of venting/asking for advice with less judgement.
    I wonder if the long term bottling up of problems instead of expressing them is the reason why some men have underdeveloped emotional intelligence, which is important to have when married. 
  18. Completely Agree
    Lilly14 reacted to 2Timeless in why are all the marriage thread made by brothers?   
    Because women have bigger things to worry about like, passing their exams, pleasing their parents, cleaning the house, washing the dishes, making sure they make it to all their classes etc etc. Things men will never have to worry their pretty little heads about thanks to our amazing culture! 
  19. Completely Agree
    Lilly14 got a reaction from Meedy in Mentally sick husband getting 2nd wife   
    Strongly disagree with your opinion. I truly hope your words don’t break this already suffering OP's heart. 
    And I'm in two domestic violence support groups, I know very well what the term gaslighting means, or else I wouldn't use it. 
  20. Completely Agree
    Lilly14 got a reaction from Meedy in Mentally sick husband getting 2nd wife   
    Mental illness doesn't need to be crippling. Many seemingly normal people can have narcissism as a trait, which can be a symptom of certain personality disorders, and are mental illnesses that can cause horrible outcomes in families, and I wouldn't be surprised if OP's husband has that trait considering how he doesn't care how his actions affect his daughter (separating the daughter from himself and his wife to a distant country, having no problem with his child seeing women's nudes, wanting to raise their baby with another woman, inappropriately chatting with many women without being married to them knowing he has no right to and it hurts his wife). And yes he is responsible for going to therapy consistently and fixing himself, but many people like this don't think they have a problem at all. 
    She has mental illness? That accusation sounds like gaslighting. The long message and nature is not surprising to me, considering how many Muslim women are encouraged by their community and families to support their husband no matter how abusive the man is, for years upon years. A few of my female relatives being the closest examples to me. 
  21. Completely Agree
    Lilly14 got a reaction from Revert1963 in Mentally sick husband getting 2nd wife   
    I'm not a mom or a lawyer. But judging by his behavior, I wouldn't be surprised if you have another baby he'll try to take it away from you and give your baby to his sister to raise since legally in many western countries usually they give joint custody to both parents, and he knows he can't always keep the baby away from you. He can easily take your child home for on a weekend he has custody, and fly your child to his sister. If you divorce you're going to have to make a case against him having ANY custody of his child because he's mentally ill and he already took your first child away to a foreign country against your will. You'll need as much evidence of both of those things as possible. You're going to have to talk to some experienced lawyers. Inshaallah best of luck to you.
  22. Completely Agree
    Lilly14 got a reaction from Meedy in Mentally sick husband getting 2nd wife   
    1.) OP said the father has left their child with his sister in another country and is not raising her himself
    2.) the comment below yours stating a Marja's ruling proves that the situation is not as clear cut as what you say
    3.) if the father is mentally ill that might have an effect on the ruling of this matter. Add into consideration how he is fine with exposing his child to nude pictures of women to his child. 
    4.) How can you easily tell a mother to give up on her child who is said to be suffering from being away from her parents? 
  23. Completely Agree
    Lilly14 reacted to baradar_jackson in Is Falling In Love Allowed In Islam?   
    The problem here is that you assume polygamy to be a permanent feature that can be practiced at any time. Although I am illiterate, from what I understand I don't think this is the case. I think certain demographic circumstances (such as the depletion of the male population due to war) serve as provisions for polygamy's permissibility. But outside of those circumstances, it is discouraged. My reason for believing this is simple: the common thread in all Islamic tenets is that society's needs take priority over individual's needs. Every action must be looked at in terms of "what would happen if everyone did this?" If many men married multiple women, what necessarily follows is that some men would be deprived of getting married. Depriving others of marriage cannot possibly be allowed in Islam, considering how highly Islam regards the institution of marriage (and considering that marriage is wajib under certain circumstances). Moreover, we can see that the prophet (pbuh) did not marry any other women until after Khadija (as) died. Imam Ali (as) did not marry any other women until after Fatima (as).
    All of the above considerations lead me to believe that monogamy is the ideal in Islam, and polygamy is allowed only under certain provisions (and only allowed for men who are worthy of taking on such a responsibility). So I don't think that the jealousy of a woman is quite as abhorred as you suggest.
  24. Completely Agree
    Lilly14 reacted to AkhiraisReal in Mentally sick husband getting 2nd wife   
    And how exactly is she going to get her child back to Australia from Iraq? Knowing that her husband is mentally sick and his family is on his side.
  25. Disagree
    Lilly14 reacted to Ali bin Hussein in Mentally sick husband getting 2nd wife   
    The father has the right over the child (age dependant) If he is getting a second wife and you are not happy. Then seek a divorce and move on with your life.
×
×
  • Create New...