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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Everything posted by Lilly14

  1. In the US I've heard that prenups are for financial matters in marriage only, so you can't decide custody of kids in it. Each country has different laws though. But even in countries like the US, I'd imagine saying in your nika contract things like my husband isn't allowed to be married to anyone else in Mutah or in permanent marriage is at least Islamically binding to your husband since he promised, so he doesn't turn around and say you never got him to promise that he isn't allowed to be married to anyone else as long as you two are married. We knew a guy who married a woman, and afterwards revealed the secret that he is married to another woman from before they got married.
  2. I don't know your wife well enough to say this applies to your wife. But being in an abusive relationship with someone is sometimes like an addiction, the victim knows its bad but still stays and clings to hope, due to the few moments of niceness they experienced from their abuser that makes them believe that their abuser deep down loves them. The trauma from the months, years of abuse combined with possibly suffering severe abuse/trauma as a child and/or mental illness that could play a huge role in them staying and going back with them, sometimes requires therapy to heal... Not to mention many physical abusers are also emotional abusers (master manipulators and opressors) who will promise that they've changed once they realize their victim is succeeding in forgeting them. My own best friend kept going back to her abuser, who emotionally and physically abused her, sent her nudes to all her family and friends to ruin her reputation and isolate her, and used her phone to send texts to guys to make her seem promiscuous and sent them to her family and friends again to ruin her reputation and isolate her, and even choked her until she passed out and she almost died. Her close relatives, her cousin, and I all tried to convince her again and again to leave him, but she keeps going back anyways. After months of listening to her problems, supporting her to leave and to go get counseling, and worrying myself sick, and her not leaving, I finally cut things off with her until she stays away from him for months without even talking to him...
  3. The problem is that in some cases, "religious" men, men who were well known to be very religious in their community turned out to be the worst hypocrites and evil doers behind closed doors after marriage. These days in the US, many girls I have known have turned down even high earning and religious men, but for many of us, while religion is a vital part, there needs to be something there financially so that if he is horrible and divorce has to happen, or if he only used you for citizenship and leaves, or he passes away after we have a child, at least we are left with something.
  4. You marry someone as is. Not on who they say they will transform into after marriage, or not on who you want to transform them into, because they might not change later. You need to consider if you would be truly happy living with her as your spouse as she is now, if she ends up never changing. Also you'd have to communicate to her that you want a spouse who is willing to truly improve her Deen as you also try to truly improve your deen. She might not even be interested in doing that, so she would know that you're not right for her. But even if she agrees, doesn't mean it's certain she will improve, improve to your standard, or improve and stay that way. It reminds me of how a Muslim woman can't marry non-Muslim man (unless the man becomes Muslim first) and a Muslim man can't marry polytheists unless she becomes Muslim or other Ahleh Kitab.
  5. Don't some couples (after getting parents approval for marriage) communicate via text before the marriage these days, in order to get to know each other without physically hanging out. I think that could ease the worry of intellectual compatibility a bit.
  6. Surah nur ayah 26 "Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision."
  7. I'm always more inclined to give someone claiming to be a victim the benefit of the doubt because many times victims aren't believed or taken seriously, and become further isolated. People also say that my mom's story is one sided, or maybe my mom had some faults, when my poor mother sacrficied everything she had to give for my dad, and was abused by him her whole marriage, for decades, all in front of my eyes. Even now that he's not around she still hasn't mentally recovered from the trauma. When they say things like that to her it's like they're jamming salt deep into her wounds. She cries because of those type of "nonjudgemental" judgemental comments.
  8. I was thinking the same thing lol. Most Muslimas/their families turn down many suitors before finding a suitor that is **simply** promising enough to give a chance and meet in person.
  9. You lied, but he was also not a virgin, and the suffering he inflicted on was much worse than anything that lie did to him, or claims that it did to him at least. I'm so thankful that you don't have to suffer by his hands anymore, and that no kids were involved. Judging by the fact that he did muta with several women since you were married, makes it clear to me that he wasn't truly interested in long term marriage with you even from the start, and still isn't interested in long term relationships any time soon, if not ever. He doesn't seem to like to stay with a girl for too long since it gets boring for him. I'm sure that him saying he felt hurt about the lie was the excuse he needed to start seeing other women once he got bored. And if he had been really hurt by you, he would have never lied to his current muta wife that you guys were already divorced. The whole condition of men being allowed to have more than one wife has always been that you treat them equally, so that's a sin on his part. And as Muslims we are told to not expose another Muslim's sins, so the fact that he wrote a 6 page essay exposing every little thing about you and sent it to your family, is a sin. You only told your father about him having another wife after years of tolerating it and suffering, in order to mediate between you two, and your dad was BEYOND generous with of him of the fact that he could have more than one wife, when some dads/family members would just beat up the guy and demand him to give you divorce lol. Your ex's karma is going to be so ugly and messy.
  10. Assalamolaykom Sister! Duas.org has resources for this, both duas and spouse selection guidance. Inshaallah things will work out for you! http://www.duas.org/matri1.htm Also Al-Islam.org has other resources too!
  11. Brother you're worried about your future child's Iman, but you're not worried about the very real possibility of having a baby with the non-Muslim woman in a mutah marriage, and said woman has a good chance of never becoming Muslim? Some women have gotten pregnant using both the pill and protection before, while the chance of pregnancy is small even in that case, you never know if the woman you're in mutah with doesn't try to trap you into financially supporting her for years and years by intentionally getting pregnant. Unless you're okay with a non-Muslim having equal say in raising a potential child and providing financial assistance to do your duty as a father, then you really need to consider if mutah is right for you. And if you are looking to marry a practicing muslima for a long term marriage, some don't look favorably on men who have had mutah, and if you have a child too, and some of those who have never had kids won't be interested in you.
  12. I hope you find a good balance! My uncles who were mommy's boys became "yes men" to their wives and their wive's families, and made their own mother (who has always been someone who minds her own buisness, never does ghaybah and tries to change to change the subject instead, etc) an afterthought. Reversely, except for my grandma, the women in my family all had abusive husbands, and the husbands were also "yes men" to their families, and made the wife and kids an afterthought.
  13. I think you made a joke for yourself, because I was talking about the very considerate UAE husband in this story... LOL I know the vast, vast, vast majority of guys aren't as perfect as he is. Some married people in my college classes like making fun of single people too... until they're life gets too busy and they don't get time to make thorough study guides, and they are suddenly humble so they can use our notes.
  14. I think there is a big difference between bickering and having a difference in opinion in thought provoking topics. I hate bickering, but I can't do without those conversations. So if the husband is considerate then there's no bickering, and if he likes having those conversations, even if there's a disagreement about some topics and not major things, cool!
  15. Theres always someone who is an outlier lol. This woman's views on how her husband treats her is clearly an exception to what most women want in a marriage, especially those of us who have seen severe and constant physical, emotional, etc abuse in marriages in our families.
  16. I see that your tags include blackmagic. Reciting the 5 surahs that start with qul (jinn, kafiroon, nas, falaq, ikhlas) is highly recommended everyday. Also please check out the protection from black magic page duas.org http://www.duas.org/magic.htm I want to add that many mosques in the US have permanent sheikhs and their office hours and office phone numbers are listed on the mosque websites.
  17. If she lives in the US and he does as well, he has to pay child support, based on stuff like how many kids he has, and how much he makes. Though it's not unheard of men finding loopholes, like permanently fleeing the country, or working illegally for years so the government thinks they are unemployed and doesn't make them pay. It's sick how they will condemn their own kids into poverty and all it's struggles and dangers just to spite their ex wife.
  18. I'm so, so sorry sister! You don't deserve this! Sister, from your description your husband does pretty much what my own father would do to my mom. Not only that but your story sounds identical to most stories women share in the domestic violence support groups I'm in on social media. He has all the signs...making up lies to destroy your reputation and cheating (emotional abuse), financial abuse only towards you and the kids, physical abuse, neglecting his own wife and kids. He's possibly exposing you to STDS, if not worse too! Before you leave plan very carefully, research, ask around on domestic violence forums for guidance, and delete any search history and hide other traces of your plans so he never sees it coming. It's very important that you find a domestic violence advocate in your area, who are familiar with the laws and can guide you best. Collect as much evidence as you can against him, like take pictures of bruises, cuts you get, file a police report when you leave, file a protective order, etc. Abusers often seek out their victims to severly hurt them or kill them if they find out they've left, and they often make up lies and get good lawyers so they can get custody of the kids, even though they don't really care about the kids, they just do it to spite their ex-wife. Men like this sometimes don't even change after completing therapy. You could spend 20 more years with him and it will be the same thing, except then you're mind and body will be even more worn out from the abuse. Inshallah you and your children find peace.
  19. Yeah clearly no idea because Jordan Peterson is well known to be alt far right trash. But still, lots of good points were brought up besides that and a few others. Besides, some young adults are more wise than adults who are older than them.
  20. I'm not the most religious person in the world but it is still possible to have tangible experiences in those "unseen" things you mentioned. There have been a few times in my adult life where I've felt touched/scratched by jinn when I was alone and saw the scratches/marks left too, and had a few very specific precognitive dreams and visions while awake among other things. Everyone's faith is tested by different hardships than someone else's... Maybe your test is not to experience any of those "unseen" things and see if your faith can withstand it?
  21. You probably already know this, but just in case you don't, plenty of girls and boys from non-western countries look to marry people with western citizenship and then leave once they have obtained it. Just be careful. That's why some youth with citizenship in my community don't even take the risk and don't accept potential matches that don't have the official permanent resident card at least.
  22. The picture is about the context I was speaking about, not mental disabilities.
  23. I'm not finding him a wife, my mom is. She is the one making the calls, taking to aunties, etc. I can't just go up to my mom and say "stop your extensive on going search for a wife for your son" without giving a reason. And of course my mom will confront him about it, my mom sacrificed everything to raise good Muslim kids, she never has and probably never will have an "oh well my kids will decide for themselves attitude". That "we are a family, we look out for each other" attitude is how she taught me and my siblings to be toward eachother as well. So what's overbearing for you, is normal for us, and leaving anyone to do as they please in my family is neglect. By the way, thanks for assuming I have a obsession with my brother's search history! I didn't have the intention to snoop on him my mom made me and the second time he had left the window open, but I guess you didn't read that part...
  24. Exactly, we told him (after the few rejections that we kept secret) that maybe he would have to give up one or two physical requirements if we found someone that otherwise matched. We told him he's not perfect, and no girl is perfect either. He also said there was no one he had seen in our community that matched physical appearance wise lol. The one he hadn't seen before that matched turned us down. If he's so picky, we can't blame others for being picky against him too.
  25. They've done studies that companies in the US were more likely to hire a candidate with a non-black sounding name than one with a white sounding name, and both of the job candidates had the same qualifications. Thats why stuff like this have to exist.
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