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In the Name of God بسم الله


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Everything posted by Lilly14

  1. I mentioned my area, and my area is not Iran. I live in the US. Most of us don't seek spouses who don't live in the US. Also, I think you down voted the wrong comment.
  2. I don't disagree that men are victims of abuse sometimes too. But even western women are abused much more than western men. Western courts still mostly favor men in abuse and rape cases. You're lucky if your rapist or abuser ever gets ANY jail time. Hang out in western domestic violence support groups for a while or pay close attention to DV and rape statistics in the west and you'll see for yourself. It's so hard to comprehend that a culture that toots women's rights is still so nightmarish. Even the rate of women being murdered by their partners is increasing in the US. https://www.nytimes.c
  3. I know someone who is in a desirable and extremely highly paid career, but he's average in all other regards. From about a dozen girls, he has yet to be given a chance for a first meeting. It's not all about job or money these days, at least with girls in my area.
  4. One could argue the same thing about men. I hear about the high standards some guys set, and many of the guys who don't have many standards or have no standards are desperate for quick green card marriages in my country. You could also argue that the parents of the guy and girl are often the ones with high standards. So many of them don't even let the vast majority of suitors past them and onto the girl to decide, or don't inform their son about eligible girls who don't fit their own standards of a daughter in law.
  5. I want to also add to the last commentator's response regarding how religion of the man is a key factor. As my mom learned, besides religion you have to deeply research the signs of emotional abuse and before marrying, so you know the man well enough to rule out that he is emotionally abusive or has certain Type B personality disorders that are commonly expressed through emotionally abusing others (like naricisssit PD, psychopath, sociopath, etc) since emotional abuse early on is a gateway to more extreme abuse in the relationship (can be more emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and
  6. Whose to say that women in their careers all prioritize their careers over family. Lots of them aren't that way. And if abusive or deadbeat husbands were completely nonexistent, and husbands all had a secure job with enough income where an entire family could live a very comfortably and had enough savings for emergencies, I'd imagine that not all, but many women who work would have never feel the need to go after a career and would stay home to focus on their families. You're also forgetting that many husbands these days WANT their wives to have a career so they have a better standa
  7. That may be the case for some. But I don't doubt that at least some of the homosexual rapists in prison have raped others, regardless of gender, before going to jail, considering that rape is such a violent crime (and prison has many violent criminals) and that rape usually isn't a one time crime.
  8. I can accept that in a confined space like prison where prisoners are often raped by others of their own gender. But thinking more broadly, most male rapists in society are serial rapists, as in a rapist will most likely rape several women, rather than individual rapists raping individual women once, which tells you that even a lack of acess to women isn't always the problem. Of course we are all meant to have self control on our urges, which is why rape is Haram.
  9. This doesn't explain the rise of homosexuality (whether gay or lesbians) who have never been to prison. Lots of lesbians say they were abused by men, some even raped by men as a child, which probably caused them to abhore men. Lots of women have been abused or raped by men as children, but never turn to homosexuality. My point is, at least in this time period and cross culturally, that there isn't just one reason people turn to homosexuality, and those reasons don't always produce the result of homosexuality.
  10. I already know the difference between those two LOL. You're not understanding me. All I am saying is bigamy is illegal in the US. Which means you can only legally marry one person at a time, and it is illegal to marry someone else unofficially while still legally married to the first person. Unofficial means like for example a nikah contract without also legally getting married. If someone reports you get caught you will face legal consequences, maybe even jail. So my statement is for a man who legally married his first wife, and here in the US, it would be a feat to find someone who would agr
  11. Not realistic! The general trend is that Muslim women are becoming less and less open to polygamy since the time of our great-grandparents. My rich great grandpa married for a second time in his old age while his first wife was alive, only to help support a widowed and very religious elderly woman. And since then, in my beyond giant extended family, no one has ever been in a polygamous marriage, at least not openly.
  12. It was made permissable, and not wajib because clearly some men and women can't handle that lifestyle. That's easy to say, but if someone finds out and reports you, it may have legal consequences. Say the man get thrown into prison for that reason, who is going to provide for the women now? A husband who is truly good would never take a risk like that and make his wives suffer. And say the third wife happens to want a divorce, legally she is not entitled to anything from the divorce, and no one can force the man to give her anything. Or say the man dies before writing a will allocating p
  13. Marriage to me personally has always been about a respectful partnership. Period. And to me, respect includes monogamy. If that's not his definition from before the marriage, he can find someone whose definition of respect is the same as him. Not to mention, even if one is OK with it, in the US, polygamy is against the law and I wouldn't partake in something illegal, nor am I willing to leave my entire life behind and move to another country so he can marry someone else or be his second or third wife. You basically have no legal rights as a wife in the US if you aren't the legally marri
  14. This poll might not be very insightful in the end because there is no question asking some important factors like the woman's age, region the women were raised in (west, Asia, Middle East, etc), if the women have been married before and are now divorced or widowed, for example. I can't speak for other demographics, but in the community of the never married before Shia girls who grew up in US, I have yet to meet one who would even simply *entertain* the idea of marrying a polygamous man, or a man who plans to be one. A husband being monogamous is the bare bones, minimum standard for us.
  15. It wouldn't be causing him trouble because I'd only marry him on the condition on contract and/or witnesses that unless we divorce, I'd be his only wife. If he is already married to someone or plans to marry someone else, we would both know we don't have the same life plans and don't get married. I think it's causing trouble to marry your first wife and not tell her before hand that you were always planning to marry more though.
  16. So what about the absentee fathers, the fathers that are not absent but basically do not care about their children's lives, the fathers that are only tyrants and abuse their kids/wife, the father that is there but indulges in terrible sin openly in front of his family, and in all of these scenarios the wife has to completely take the responsibility of raising her kids. What kind of male role model is that for a son, especially if he doesn't have any other male role models in his life? Children should be raised in a home where both parents love them and are good role models. Women getting
  17. Look into the different types of abuse, emotional, financial, etc. Look into emotional abuse red flags/warning signs exhaustively on various credible sources. Look up signs of personality disorders in your partner like narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, etc. on credible sources. I'm in a few domestic violence victim support groups online, and all the women say they missed or ignored many red flags and often many of these women remember the same red flags. I also get to see first hand through real life stories and pictures how much hell these women have gone through. You said you weren't
  18. That sounds much like my mom's story. She sold all her jewelry (even wedding ring), everything she owned, and used her salary to follow her husbands dream of going abroad. She was also kicked out of the house during a fight, along with one of my older siblings (who was a baby) at night once too. She had no one to support her.
  19. My mom got an Istekhareh from her local sheikh for her marriage with my dad and it said that it would be good. The sheikh personally vouched for my dad because of how religious/good character my dad was, but in reality my dad just carefully built an image. My mom's family investigated my dad and his family in the neighborhood as well. Turned out my dad was every type of abuser possible (financial, physical, emotional) and so was his family (my mom later found proof they also were practioners of witchcraft against my mom). Now, my mom personally believes that not every sheikh is capable of prov
  20. I'm not saying he should override his personal preferences or subject himself to social riddicule. I'm saying if he likes being a nurse or teacher (pink collar jobs) or watching a drama TV show that women tend to like, so be it.
  21. Here let me clarify my comment for you better: Fragile masculinity is when men would never be or do (or would admit that they do) ANYTHING that is traditionally associated with women/ isn't traditionally masculine ONLY because it is traditionally associated with women/ isn't traditionally masculine Not helping your mom or wife with house work simply because women usually do it or not considering a pink collar career you would have otherwise been interested in, are some examples of what I mean.
  22. Did you see the example I wrote directly below the image? That's both toxic and fragile. Other more common examples of fragile masculinity alone, is those men would never do (or would admit that they do) ANYTHING that is traditionally associated with women/ isn't traditionally masculine, like housework, certain hobbies, a traditionally female career, watching certain media, etc.
  23. I don't follow that person, so I can't comment on that. But that tweet is a true representation of the word. Did you read my example below the pic?
  24. These are the appropriate contexts for both those terms A real life example I remember in a Domestic Violence support group I was in was a man beating his wife for getting her 10 year old son to help her wash dishes, because he believed washing dishes was a woman's job.
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