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In the Name of God بسم الله

Lilly14

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Everything posted by Lilly14

  1. Sounds like he's not over her to me. Logically, I'm not sure why they would even be in contact still after the families said no. It's like beating a dead horse. This is exactly why I don't respond to men's messages on social media. My family wouldn't accept a random stranger man from halfway around the world to marry me, so there is no reason to chat with guys.
  2. If you are having trouble leaving please join a local women's support group for abused women or join a support group for abused women on social media, there's lots of private groups so no one can see you're in them if that's what you worry about. Emotional abusers know exactly just what to say so that you will feel like a villain for wanting to leave their abuse. That's why it might be helpful to have people around you who have been in your shoes help you escape his manipulation. Id say, if you can safety and secretly collect any evidence that you can that proves he yells/is verbally and emotionally abusive so you have proof if anyone is skeptical or points a finger at you instead. Like maybe put a password on your phone and let it record an argument. I'm praying everything goes well for you inshaAllah. My best friend has been from what started as only an emotionally abusive relationship, then it progressed to an also physically abusive relationship, with her cousin. Then in April, he chocked her until she passed out. She almost died! And when she wanted to leave him, he sent nude pics of her to their whole extended family, parents, grandparents, to punish her. Her family took her car so she can't meet him, tried to take her to support groups to heal, which she rejects. She still to this day talks to him on the phone secretly, and probably meets him too. I stopped talking to her until she leaves him because she vented the horrific abuse to me almost daily and it was too much to bear since she never broke things off with him for more than a week. My point is get out before you lose your life, your dignity, your self, your mental health, and your loved ones. You can actually develop PTSD, depression, and anxiety from physical or emotional abuse.
  3. OK thanks for clarifying. The language of the text was a bit confusing and seemed to imply different.
  4. In Mutah, men truly seem to have the longer end of the stick, as he's not doing Zina, and he's seemingly not held responsible if he does happen to have a child from it. I can't imagine how hard it is if you're poor, and/or can't relocate to get away from the judgemental people... how hard life will be for both the child and you. Especially in non western countries, where you are surrounded by other Muslims all the tine and your child doesn't have rights.
  5. I understood that it is saying that children from Mutah are meant to be in the custody of the dad, if the dad wants custody, but if he doesn't, he can give custody to the mom. Nor is he required to help provide the child's sustenance/material needs to an extent. Which I'm guessing that that means he's not even required to pay anything even if his child is dying in poverty somewhere. But is it saying in both permanent and Mutah marriages the child belongs to the man, but the man can not deny providing for his child if and only if the child is from permanent marriage? I'll have to read up more on these rulings and my Marjah. These are really rough, especially if a woman doesn't know these things and enters Mutah. But I'm glad that there can be a premutah contract stipulating conditions, like child support to circumvent these rulings in case of pregnancy. And prenikah contracts that can stipulate joint custody of kids in case of divorce. I'm thankful at least if someone has a baby from Mutah marriage, there are laws in places so the father has to financially partially support the child whether he wants to or not in my country, regardless if the couple is married by law or not. And that joint custody is the default.
  6. Even if you don't list that you were in Mutah on your page, you should tell them before they invest emotions and time into you, because that might be a major deal-breaker for them. And even if the fact that you were in Mutah isn't a deal-breaker for them, withholding the truth about something important is a major deal breaker for some people.
  7. My mom comes with me when I hang out with my female friends if it's a far location, since she has to drop me off and pick me up so it's more convenient for her to stay. Like if I go to a cafe with my female friends, my mom will sit on the other side of the cafe, so she's not eavesdropping on what we talk about, and it's not awkward for me. There's always a nice, happy medium if you look for one!
  8. You don't have women in your family who have good judgement who can help you find a wife from your mosque, community, neighborhood, or their social circles? Once they talk to the girl's family, and they agree to meet you all, you and the girl can decide if you want to move forward with getting to know each other through halal means, like halal text conversation/ chaperoned meetings. I have known some Pakistani, Indian, Iranian etc Shia who have married like that. So it's not like those of us who marry through our family are not getting to know our potential spouse at all before marriage. And you say Islamically it's wrong for girls to laugh loudly in their groups of friends, but personally I think its detrimental for a girl and guy to meet up in private before marriage if they are unmarried, as that can unintentionally cause the couple to succumb to Haram temptations. But maybe I misunderstood, and you meant get to know through texting only
  9. Some people do their Nikah ceremony weeks or months before their public wedding celebration, so if you see a couple touching before marriage that doesn't necessarily mean that they are doing Haram. I'm a girl and I'm not saying you have to do this, but personally I would try to involve my family in all steps of my marriage process. I know not all elders are like this, but my elders have good insight and judgement, plus they know how to navigate the Islamic marriage process intricacies. Plus, personally I'd never want to invest in someone emotionally, like through text conversations, if I didn't know for sure both our families agree to us getting married. But as for your OG question... I'd want his family to approach my family, and not me at all first. (which is possible since the only time you run into Shia is at the mosque in my city). I know my ***extremely*** traditional mom would feel like I was disrespected if a guy approached me himself. But I know many Muslim moms in my community are nowhere as traditional as my mom. Like my mom agreed to talk to a guy's mom about me, but she never returned their calls when his mom suggested me and him meet up at a restaurant to talk before we even met him and his family for the first time lol. But to be fair my mom didn't know too much about the family and the guy in the first place, so she might have explained for us to all meet if she approved of the family and/or the guy was a total catch.
  10. I didn't have that many Sunni aquaintances growing up, but casually talking to them as of late I've realized that some of them differ in belief in more ways than expected, like how some believe all seafood is halal or that it's wrong to celebrate the birth of the Prophet (even if that celebration means attending a lecture and having a meal at your mosque with your community), and by extension even birthdays for little children are not permitted. But even if there wasn't any conflicting practices, and even if I could somehow come to terms with my spouse not having the Shia love for the Ahlul Bayt (Which I can't), there is no guarantee that my spouse would actually let me raise my kids as Shia even if he promised he would. This is just my personal opinion of Shia-Sunni marriages.
  11. My brother has gotten rejected a few times because the girls didn't want too big of an age gap in my community in the US. They say any more than a few years is too much.That might not apply to your community/culture though. I should mention he's been rejected over other reasons too, and sometimes the girls just weren't looking to marry anytime soon.
  12. I've heard something similar. Though I don't know if it's the same criteria for girls selecting spouses. So I'm also confused why would it be recommended to look for these traits if we are going to be tested with marrying someone whose the opposite of these? Is the solution to have only those traits in mind when searching, and when we find someone that matches those, marry them with trust that Allah swa will have found the best person for us?
  13. Guys who feign "respect" for women only so girls find them attractive are like those random stranger guys on social media who send messages asking if they can chat with you to become "friends". Guys who are truly respectful don't play petty games. Also when guys complain about the friend one or brother zone, they just make themselves look bad.
  14. I read an article by a Muslim who reverted after she was married with kids but her Christian husband didn't revert, and she was torn but decided to stay. Her husband respected her decision but wasn't interested in talking about reverting. After years he finally came around to the truth of Islam and converted. Though of course it's never guaranteed that someone you want to revert will ever actually revert. But it makes me wonder, since Allah swa guides only those who he wills, then did that mean she did the right thing by staying with him so she could influence him by showing him Islam through her actions as a Muslim? Not to mention she also kept her happy and functioning family away from the side effects of divorce. http://muslimgirl.com/41893/ignored-Islamic-marriage-advice-happened/
  15. I agree mostly, but we need to be clear that all men have control over their whims. The ones who cat call or worse, don't see anything wrong with what they do or say, and don't care to fix themselves. They think we're objects for their pleasure and that's it. There's interviews with catcallers on YouTube, if you ever want to hear more about their mindset.
  16. Being catcalled makes me feel gross too because its pure objectifaction. Even the best hijab won't stop being cat called. I've been cat called and slammed into on numerous occasions by men in the Middle East even while wearing a full body black abaya. The worst case was when I was 13 and in a very busy market, I got cat called, then grabbed by a street vendor to buy the stuff he was selling, and my family was only a foot away looking at stuff, but he ran away before I could tell them. The next time we went to that market, I linked arms with two of my adult family members so if he saw me, he wouldn't harass me. But then someone slammed into from behind and almost knocked me over, I turned around and saw it was him but again he ran away immediatley. As a shy and gentle 13 year old CHILD I felt so violated. In the west, the worst was when I was catcalled and tailgatted by a dude in truck while my mom was in the passenger seat of our car too. And these are my experiences as a girl who had an extremely overprotective family and almost never went alone anywhere. I know other sisters here might have similar or worse experiences.
  17. I can understand why you're asking. Probably not the best hijab, but skirts aren't my thing at all except for special occasions. I'll very rarely wear knee high "riding" boots too, and to be honest I don't see a problem with them. I think things that clench your clothes at your waist might not be the best hijab technically. I don't see a connection with modesty and color choice personally.
  18. I think sitting back and saying rizq is up to Allah swa is troublesome in certain cases, because someone (say a husband with a housewife and kids) could quit their job, and just say rizq is up to Allah swa. Or say the husband doesn't want his wife to work when his salary is only enough for food and a cramped apartment in a dangerous neighborhoods/schools with substandard education (that can make getting into competitive careers almost impossible) and are full of delinquent kids that could influence their kids. (Conversely, I know some moms in the community who went to work, and there kids iman turned out fine, while others did not turn out fine. So, please note I'm not promoting either working moms or stay at home moms over the other.)
  19. She's only 22, and either her family isn't supportive enough or she doesn't want to listen to their guidance. We are not very close.
  20. I think being a stay at home is great if that's what you chose for yourself! But I almost never hear people who support the stay at home woman lifestyle also advise to have contingency plans. For example, if your husband suddenly passes away has he willed the home to you, and/or does he have life insurance? I knew two sisters who had small kids who were spared from extreme financial hardship because their husbands had planned ahead before they suddenly passed away. Also, if your husband is abusive, and since you don't work and have no control over the finances, will you have the financial means to even be able to escape and pay for a place to stay until you can find a job so you don't have to rely on battered women shelters for a roof over your head? Or once you leave, will you have an education to help you find a decent paying job so you don't have to struggle to make ends meet on minimum wage? I know a pregnant sister who was a stay at home but had an abusive husband and is doing the exact thing she never wanted to do: working minimum wage in retail while her toddler is taken care of by non-family, and she is trying to quickly find someone to marry her and provide for her.
  21. Fair enough for the United Kingdom comment. But the second comment wasn't necessary since my views are based on facts, and were also balanced. And I wasn't expressing raw emotions, or I couldn't have made my case as well thought out as I did. And yes, of course it goes without saying that both genders need to watch for red flags.
  22. I said sometimes, because I didn't want to downplay the prevalence and say rarely, which would have been incorrect. You made the exact assumption I was trying to avoid you making. You're forgetting that rape victims who actually come forward despite the consequences of reporting (which can be the victim blaming stigma, fear of further harassment by the rapist of people that support him, etc) often never have their rape kits tested by the police (often because of low budgets), the time sensitive nature of testing for rape drugs in the system if applicable, how they are mislead to not file a report or victim blame (like many colleges administrations have been found to do so their college's name doesn't get dragged in the mud who by the way are more likely to expel a student for cheating than rape, even a repeat rapist), or even when there is proof, the rapist will argue that they were drunk or that it was consensual. Even in cases where there is DNA proof that a man rapes an underage girl, it's not unusual to get no jail time like that school bus driver in the news a few months ago, or that old man that had raped a 5 or 6 year old girl last year. Even when there are witnesses like in Brock Turner's high profile case, they barely get any jail time. And these are just stories I can think of on top of my head. Like you said many DV victims never come forward, but the occurance of lying women is much, much more rare than woman who are actually abused and come forward. And I strongly disagree, because the courts still overwhelmingly side with the men in DV cases, at least in terms of little to no severe punishment when found guilty, even for repeat offenders and when there is legitimate evidence and proof. I would recommend anyone that is skeptical to join DV support groups on facebook and listen to the stories and see the bloodied and bruised pictures these women post, and hear how little, if any justice they receive, and how many of them are in hiding and still in fear of their and their kids safety and life, since their abuser is still after them. Some of them even post news stories of their abuser or news stories of the murder of their loved one by an abuser. Even as someone who did research on this topic for my degree, joining these groups really opened my eyes on the cold, hard reality: the secret oppression of many women in the west behind closed doors and systematically. Which is why it's ironic when some westerners say that feminists need to focus their attention only on the rights of women in other parts of the world because they think oppression of women doesn't really exist here. (Fun fact: a convicted rapist can legally seek paternal rights like custody of the child they produced via the rape, in some US states)
  23. I'm just curious, was it impossible to find a male roommate? Here in the US dorm rooms are segregated by gender unless you rent off campus privately, which is why I'm a bit confused.
  24. LOL @ the disagreement with my statement that even western women are often subjected to oppression by their men, and get very little justice. The beauty of extensive research and statistics of prevalence of partner abuse and rape, and the associated punishments and homicide rates in the US, is that you don't need to believe them for them to be true.
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