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In the Name of God بسم الله

Follow14Infallibles

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  1. Salam everyone, Before I begin, I wanted to give a brief background about myself. I'm a 21 year old college student who's about to graduate. I come from an Arab Muslim country but I've been living in the US for the past 3 and a half years. I come from a religious shia family (alhamdullilah) and during my time in my country, I volunteered in several different Shia organizations and I was incredibly committed towards my faith. I wore (and still do) modest clothing and hijab. My first year in the USA, my faith was solidifying. It was becoming stronger than it ever was. I was researching into Islam even more and I had an immense love for Ahlulbayt and I stopped listening to music for the most part. My second year, however, went downhill. ALOT MORE DOWNHILL! I was never one to follow religion blindly. I always made sure that I followed Islam and Ahlulbayt because it made sense to me and not just because I was born into a Muslim family. During that time, many of the people I knew were turning away from religion and became atheist/agnostic or secular. I wanted to research more on atheism and see what it was about. I never intended to endorsed it and I never endorsed it because it never made any sense to me how anyone could not believe in God. I always believed in God but I felt at that time that many of those non-religious people had valid questions. "Where is the evidence for God? Why so many religions? What if my religion is not the right one?" Even though I was interested in atheism, it still never made any sense to me. However, it did weaken my faith a lot. I still prayed but I became inconsistent with my prayers. I still read the Quran and fasted. I started to have doubts, though. I would ask myself "What if there is no God?" I believed in Him, but I had doubts at the time on whether I was following the right religion or not. Sometimes I would be satisfied with telling myself that the evidence for Islam being the truth (and Shiism in particular) is because of the a7adeeth and the poetic miracle of the Quran. I was, however, still curious with secular movements. Again, never endorsed them but some (not all) of what these people said made sense. I was still, a practicing Muslim. Sure, my prayers weren't very consistent but I knew that I had to redo my prayers some other time whenever I missed them. I still made sure I wore my hijab properly and that I eat Halal food and I never got into disgraceful behavior such as partying, concerts and drinking. (despite my accessibility towards these things) I went back to listening to music and it felt bad. Whenever I listened to music, I felt guilty. Whenever I missed a prayer, I did feel guilty. I had that love and fear of God, still. I still thanked God for everything I had. Sometimes I tell myself that all of these doubts and interest in Kufr ideologies (despite not endorsing them and always being a Muslim) were really a result of loneliness. I sometimes would say or laugh at blasphemous things (unintentionally, of course. I never meant to disrespect God or his Prophets). I knew that this was going to be a short phase, and ilhamdullilah it was. My third year became a bit better, I started making Shia friends who were very observant (alhamdullilah), but the change wasn't as fast as I would have hoped. My fourth and final year (inshallah), I became observant again and a better person alhamdullilah. My question is... what makes a person "Kafir?" Have I left Islam by doing all of what I said up there? I never thought about these things until recently and it makes me scared. I mean, I never disbelieved in God. I never left Islam. I always had faith but I had so much doubts and questions. Some people say that questioning makes someone's faith stronger in the long run. Any thoughts, brothers and sisters? Salam Alaikum :)
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