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In the Name of God بسم الله


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  1. Salaam I know what you mean about the confusion when people say "you just know". Well i didn't. The first time i met my husband, i was so confused. My family were asking if its a yes from me, and i didn't have a clue. My best mate put it all into perspective for me; she simply asked, "is it a no?". I might not have known if it was a yes, but there was one thing I knew for sure; it wasn't a no, not yet anyway. So she just said to have another meeting, then decide if its a no. If its still not, have another, and another... until i know either way. That calmed me right down, and alhamd i only talked once more to him before i knew for sure, it was a yes. (what convinced me? the way he was around me in the first meeting, his respect for me and especially my parents, the way he spoke about his parents with sooo much love, his general akhlaq. I'm a bad judge of character, but i could tell this guy was genuine, and thats how in that first instance i knew it definately wasn't a no) As for your question about the wedding day, i thought i'd be petrified. I spent months worrying about how i'd cope with everyones eyes on me, scrutinising my looks, my outfit, my posture... but on the day, i was filled with so much joy, those worries evapourate. As cheesy as that sounds, i couldn't believe so many people had turned up, just for us. Thats the greatest feeling in the world, looking around and knowing that all the people you care most about, are all in the same room with you, witnessing one of your greatest achievements in life. aaaaah the memories!! Hope that helps hon With duas, Zainab
  2. (salam) What a beautiful topic! I've been engaged for over a year now, to be married this summer, in the middle of my degree. 1) The support is indescribable. Its as if i wake up each morning walking on cloud nine, and remain there all day until i return to bed. It's like having an invisible hand supporting you 24/7. It makes you feel like you can achieve anything. And definately makes you feel much much closer to Allah swt for it is He who has bestowed upon me such a blessing. I feel more secure, life is sweeter, and as sister fatoom said, i wish we had met and married sooner! 2) Has it affected my education? definitely. I feel much more motivated, no more daydreaming (theres no need- no dream could be sweeter than this!! hehe) My marks have improved. Him and in-laws are very supportive of my education, and very accommodating. 3) I think being young helps in that i find it easier to adapt to a new family, but then being older would perhaps give me more wisdom and patience. so i guess not too young, not too old, helps here! But personally, i have in-laws that are so similar to my parents and family it doesn't take much to adapt. But i know how lucky i am and i pray that the good relationships continue and flourish further. 4) i think i'm marrying at the right stage in my life. I've almost completed my education, and have my partners support at the final hurdle where i need it most. I have travelled extensively, and have a thirst to travel more and explore the world with my husband to be. Although i'd agree that "he completes me" i feel i was pretty well rounded to begin with! Ah i've rambled enough. Hope my lil story help sis soul in training! With Duas Zainab Ps please remember us in your duas :)
  3. We fear what we do not understand. There is no need to be pessimistic. If we're going down that route, i could start thinking there's no point going to work tomorrow. I have to use public transport, which means i come into direct contact with strangers every day, each one a potential "freak". Gosh, the man sitting next to me on the bus tomorrow could even try to stab me in my side with the pen he uses to fill out his crosswords... Every day we each come into personal contact with dozens of strangers each with the potential to hurt us... if you think about it pessimistically, should we stop going out of the house?? Of course not. I don't see the harm in using shiamatch, it's a halal and in my humble opinion, safe way of meeting your potential spouse. With the correct parental guidance. If you come across a "freak" it'd be the same as meeting an unsuitable match in real life, you politely decline and move on. Some people may not be part of a close, well networked community and places like shiamatch may be their main method of meeting their potential spouse. So give advice such as promoting caution, but there's no need to instil fear. Good luck to those people actively seeking marriage, may Allah SWT grant you what you are looking for, and more. And if you are going to browse or register at shiamatch, visit duas.org too. I can personally endorse the strength of the duas on this website. With duas Zainab
  4. (bismillah) Salaam Abdulhujjah, can you kindly elaborate? I've never heard of this before, and any references would be appreciated. Thankyou Zainab
  5. (salam) I'm trying to decide between laser or electrolysis for my face. From your posts it seems laser is more successful. But I've heard it only works on fair skinned dark haired people. Apparently it differentiates between the different levels of pigment, where the heat is absorbed by the highly pigmented hair follicle, but if the skin is also highly pigmented (ie brown) then it wont be so successful. Infact i've heard it can cause pigmentation problems (patches of white skin) later on?? Just wanted to know if any of you chicks are asian and how successful you found laser treatments? I've heard few scare stories about electrolysis so i'm leaning toward that at the moment Thanks in advance :) Zainab x
  6. Maybe i do want a safety net. I'm a pretty cautious person. Maybe i dont need a contract, but at the very least i should have this conversation with my future husband. Thank you all for your replies :) With my thanks and Dua, Zainab
  7. (salam) First spend some time trying to figure out what you want from life. You will only know if he suits you if you first know what it is you're looking for. I remember asking about his view on religion, some religious issues like hijaab etc to see what his outlook and mentality is. And i asked what part a wife will play in his life - am i someone he just comes home to that has cooked and cleaned for him, or am i someone who is a companion for him, a confidant, a friend. (well i didn't say that exactly, he'd have just said yes to all the above.. you have to leave the question open and see what he says). I also asked what role he thinks a husband should fulfil. I asked what he would expect of me with regards to parents and what he feels they would be expecting of his future wife. My meeting with my future hub was so funny, i'd refere to his "future wife" in some instances, then replace that with "me" in others..i so gave that game away, lol. Most of all dear sis, just relax, be yourself. See this meeting for what it is - the first. All you want to get from this is whether or not you're on a level with each other. Any other "information" is a bonus. The best thing to calm your nerves? Read Quran and pray for guidance. And know that Allah swt is showering you with His mercy as you sit there with that boy - for you're both doing one of the most beloved acts in the eyes of Allah, securing half your religion and finding a spouse. With my duas, Zainab x
  8. Ditto what fyza bibi said. Exactly my technique! lol. But do be warned - GHDs can overheat - be sure not to leave it on for too long. Once its heated up, i usually switch it off, it stays hot for a while. If it cools down, i switch it back on for a moment, then off again and later on again if needed etc. Gosh i feel like a nursery rhyme with polly turning my kettle off (anyone remember that?! or do i sound crazy?! lol) Salaams and Duas, Zainab x
  9. I'm mixed on BC. I wouldn't mind taking the pill, they've been around since the 1960's so there's enough clinical evidence to understand their side effects and possible risks. But other forms of BC that are new on the market that haven't been around for atleast ten years? no thanks. Hormones regulate not just periods but rate of egg release - fertility. I couldn't personally risk it. But in saying that, they wouldn't put anything onto the market that wasn't safe. I guess it depends on how much you trust the men in white lab coats developing these things :unsure: Salaams and Duas Zainab x
  10. yeh i'd go for "crazy all the time, worse during the time of the month." grr. By the way, there are so many different pills with different types of progesterones in them. So if you're still experiencing side effects (eg depression) after more than three months or so, go see ur doc and change the pill. One that makes one person put on weight could make another lose it. It can make acne worse, or completely cure it. Worth trying to find one that suits you. Just my t'pence worth :angel: With salaams and duas Zainab
  11. Thanks for helping to clarify that this is a right. It's genuinely not something i worry about being refused, its just i worry about how to ask. Bottom line; i just dont want to offend him or hurt him. Ideally he shouldn't see it as a reflection of our relationships lack of trust as it's a "right". I dont feel i could ever confront him as it were, to demand a right. So how do i convince him, without hurting him?? I know its not a matter of convincing him, its my due, but i dont want him to agree for the sake of it, i want him to understand where im coming from. how how how?? :(
  12. Thank you for your replies. We do alhamdulillah have a very open relationship. This may be why he reacted with such shock at the mention of a written contract. Children are of exceptional importance to my "life plan" and to his, so much so that we even discussed them in our very first meeting! So if we are so open, so honest, and i am very clear of his aspirations and where he's at and where he's heading, and he is of me and mine, do i need a contract? Things i would want to include are: - complete my education (which is already verbally agreed) - permission to work ( with or without the financial need to - i dont want a future in which i become a braindead due to lack of stimulation-though we both agree work will cease once Allah swt blesses us with children, i may in the distant future want to return) - possibly return to education, if i feel for example my children would benefit from a mother who is up to date with for eg technology etc - permission to see my family at least once a month but all these things i know he'll never refuse me, i just want the reassurance. So how do i go about explaining this to him? how would you think it best phrased? with thanks and duas, Zainab
  13. (bismillah) Salaam dear brothers and sisters I originally began posting this in the sisters forum, until i realised i need both brothers and sisters advice too :) The thing is, i'm gettin married soon (and i am sooo soooo happy, alhamdulillah and i sincerely pray that Allah swt grant all those looking to get married their ideal partners and every happiness in the world and hereafter) and i'm thinking of having a marriage contract. But i'm not sure. I trust my future husband 110% (else i wouldn't be marrying him) so its not for lack of trust that i want one. But we live in a world where half of marriages end in divorce and who's to say what proportion of the other half are happy? So i just want to safeguard our happinness and i feel laying out my expectations would help in some way towards doing that. I'm not saying that it'll intantly protect us from all the potential problems - its not the key to all solutions - but it'll help. Or so i thought. I briefly mentioned some time back that i would probably like to have one, and i could instantly see how much i'd hurt future husband just at the mention of it. And then he went on to ask (in all fairness i believe) whether its because i dont trust him. Conversation went something like: husband: "why would you want a contract, it'd feel like you need a piece of paper to validate that i'd treat you fairly...what would it have in it?" me: "things like allowing me to continue my education, to work should i want to etc" husband: "do you truly feel like without a contract i would deny you those things??!?" No no noooo, i do trust him, i just want to ensure we're going into this open eyed and as prepared as we can be. I want to know we're giving this marriage the best shot. No false hopes, everything in black and white. brothers, would you feel like your wives don't trust you if they were to ask for a contract? how can i talk to him without hurting him? or making him feel like i dont trust him? and sisters, am i being unreasonable? i dont want to hurt him, is this worth it, or should i let it go? Thank you for reading so far!! With my sincere duas Zainab
  14. (salam) Dear brother Congrats on your strength. I pray that Allah swt grant you patience and further guidance. You say your wife is unpleasant towards you. To put this simply, you're not the man she married anymore. It's understandable that she feels confused, angry, maybe even betrayed. You've changed, and she didn't want you to. To her, that's unfair. What you have to show her is that yes you're not the man she married. You're better. You can't do that through words. You have to show her through kind actions. Study the duties of a husband in Islam, and act accordingly. When its prayer time, go peacefully and pray. When she cooks dinner, begin with saying grace to Allah swt. But understand that she has no duty to housework (as you have a duty to provide) so dont forget to be appreciative. Compliment her. Keep in mind that she is potentially a follower of Lady Fatema as so treat her accordingly. Respect her. You can't ram islam down her throat. Don't be aggressive in your enquiries into her day. Let her be. You just focus on you. When she sees the beautiful changes in you, she'll see the beauty of Islam. And dont forget your children. They are constantly watching you, and watching your wife, and watching you both interact. If you show her imense respect before them, they will Inshallah follow suit. Remind your children that "heaven is under their mothers feet". You say that she may be apprehensive about losing all her "western liberties". Maybe by elevating her staus in the home, she'll understand the status Islam gives a woman, and the freedoms obtained. Again she'll be blinded by the beauty of Islam. But you must keep in mind that all these actions are done purely for Allah swt. Never act with the intention of changing her, not only will she see right through that and think you're not genuine, but you'll be acting for your marriage, and not for Allah swt. You just focus on being the best muslim you can be, be humble in your struggle for the pleasure of Allah swt. Allah swt knows best. When it is her time to be inspired, she will be. I pray that Allah swt continue to adorn you with his guidance, and grant you much patience. With Duas Zainab
  15. ex-muslim good to know you dont completely deny Allah swt existence. so a tail proves the existence of a pig? does this world not prove the existence of a creator? You exist. Who made you? i mean YOU. Not the physical you, but the thing inside you that makes you individual. Different even than your siblings who share your gene pool. The you that thinks, feels, even questions. Where did that come from? With Duas
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