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In the Name of God بسم الله

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Showing content with the highest reputation on 01/07/2022 in all areas

  1. I thought it would be good to start with an oldie, but a goody, that reflects the current state of the world.
    2 points
  2. root

    Thoughts on Iran

    Ok, that is a tough question. There are parts of the government which I sometimes support and sometimes i don't depending on who is in place at that current time. - Specially the Executive branch and Parliament, sometimes they are very competent and care for the Nation and it's people, other times they are useless, and in my opinion sometimes traitors to the worst degree. - I wish that the Judicial system had more power, but that is just my wish and does not necessarily mean that I'm right in that wish. - I very much so support the Assembly of Experts institution. - The Idea of Guardian Council is very good. In the end you have to be more specific unfortunately, because it's a very broad question. Iran from 1979 to present day has changed a lot. If you consider 1979 and too mid 90s Iranians population was very "greyish", meaning a lot of people where somewhere in the middle. Now it's more black and white in my opinion. We also have what we call "ريزش و رويش" which roughly translates to "Fall and rise". We say every revolution has a "fall and rise". Meaning some people will fall off after a while (become atheist, don't care anymore, etc etc). But at the same time it will also have a rise, meaning people who join and follow and dedicate their lives. It's very easy to see the falls, because it's often loud. People who fall off religion and faith, are often loud about it. But those who rise and get's added to it are more often than not behind the curtains. You only see them in certain occasions such as when Covid hit, the thousands of young Basijs and revolutionary youth that volunteered day in and day out. Suddenly it was visible. Or when ISIS started, the thousands of youth that volunteered to go fight, you didn't see much of the atheists or Zoroastrians then. At the same time there are thousands of religious youth that do volunteer work daily in addiction centers, hospitals, schools, when natural catastrophes happen. But you don't see that, because it's silent and they don't wear a sign on their backs saying "hey look at me, im religious and im helping"
    2 points
  3. I have been married to my third husband since 2014. I was 40 years old when we married. Ladies, there is no too old.
    2 points
  4. I think often it is a bit of both, but both these are minor contributors to a divorce. a lot of people remain in relatively successful marriages with people who turned out different from what they thought they were marrying. As for putting up a better impression of their reality, I think one can only know a person well and truly after they start living with them, unless they had the priviledge to observe this person anonymously in their natural settings over a period of time. A lot of people are completely different people at home and in public. As for the reason for divorces, in my culture, we say "The sustenance/rizq they were meant to eat together ended". And I think that is a very realistic reason for why some divorces happen, because you find some relatively perfect seeming couples suddenly divorcing, or some couples with a really hellish relationship sticking it out to the end. Each person knows what they can and can not stand, and when a person reaches that point, it is often for a relatively/comparatively small reason. I remember this person who told me she had faced violence and abuse for years, as well as cheating and emotional and financial manipulation but the day the man's mother insulted her about being childless and her husband remained silent, that was the breaking point for her. In my mind I was thinking, "your marriage should have ended a long time ago" but I think if that incident had not happened, she may have remained tolerant a lot longer possibly even to the end of her life.
    1 point
  5. If they have been with them 10 years and they aren't the same person, logic dictates two things: 1. He had an unrealistic expectation that the person and himself will remain completely unchanged for 10 years? Sounds like a dangerous premise to start with. Change is inevitable in a human, but the change should be positive. Which brings me to point number 2: 2. If he has been her company for 10 years and sees her as a person who has changed for the negative, the likelihood of him being the cause/a contributor towards that change cannot be ignored.
    1 point
  6. I understand your good intention in this, but I think this subject can be alien to both the man and the woman, if they have no experience of this before in their lives. Sometimes, it is only after one gets married and experiences intimacy that he or she understands how and what they actually expect from their spouses. Having a discussion about this topic before getting married may be premature and uncomfortable for both. Although there is no shyness between a husband-wife, such frank discussion before actually getting married may be awkward and both parties may feel hesitant to talk about it in detail. Especially women, and especially those in eastern cultures can be reluctant to discuss this before they actually get married. If they are not hesitant, then that's fine. However, talking in detail about this topic before really getting married may result in frustration because discussing intimacy with a potential spouse and then not being able to actually be intimate for a long time (if the marriage is delayed) will be quite a mental torture. Instead, if the potential husband-wife can limit their discussions to non-sexual matters only, this may possibly help them to not get frustrated, if they have to wait for a certain period before marriage becomes possible.
    1 point
  7. P.s you should not write an emotional letter but a very factual business like one, which calls out the lack of professionalism in how they have handled the accusations against you. I do not know if you were given an opportunity to be heard/defend yourself/summoned for a disciplinary hearing/given a previous warning etc, as all these are legal rights of an employee in the event of an incident. Only gross misconduct on your part could justify a summary dismissal, and its proof and documentation should be very clear.
    1 point
  8. If the accusations could have potential consequences in your future, you should write a defence letter clarifying that even though you no longer feel it is a viable or healthy place to work, you disagree with their accusations on basis x y z. I do not know what field you work in, but some fields are very very sensitive on "ethical issues" so do not take an accusation. Putting a defence/clarification does not mean you have to appeal their decision to fire you, but they should not dirty your record for a baseless accusation or one which, if clarified, can show the matter in a different light.
    1 point
  9. Help and akhlaq is all fine when things are nice and dandy.. but in the event of any disagreement, Islam has created and placed these rules and laws with a great hikmah behind them. There have been plenty of people who forfeited their rights and had no problems with that, as they got lucky and had good partners. There are those who forfeited their rights and suffered great harm and loss as a result of that. When that happens, the law will come in and will bind you, whether or not you agree to it or think it is outdated. Also remember that when you form the intention to marry and support your wife and children, Allah will provide means and expand your rizq to cater for theirs. Just as Allah provided for her meals and rizq while she was at her father's house, HE will continue to provide it when she comes to your house. And its not an akhlaq issue to take up duties that are not ones religious duties, rather it is a compromise. A compromise comes with the disclaimer that it may or may not have the intended effect, and is not binding to be kept up by the compromiser when they feel it is burdening them. So do not plan your life around someone else's compromise, rather plan your life and what compromises you are willing to make. Let the other party make their choices and compromises on their own, and if they bring any extra ease/benefits to your plan, well and good.
    1 point
  10. Guest Mohsin - here are my thoughts as a good looking, educated, muslim that grew up in the west, in my mid-30's. 1) There is never a good time to get married, have kids, expand your education, etc. 2) Women have a biologic clock. The risk of genetic disease in children increases as they get older. If they want to have kids sooner rather than later, this is good. The last thing you want is a woman who puts off kids till the late 30's because of a career, and then you have a hard time having them. 3) Looks are certainly important. However, science and experience show that the more you get to know someone, and you enjoy their personality, the more attractive you'll find them regardless of what you thought of their looks before. A gorgeous woman will look more gorgeous, and a below average woman will probably be above average. Think about looks, but don't get hung up on them. 4) Chastity is important, and I have somehow managed to mantain mine. However, it is become more and more common for most young Muslim boys and girls to not be able to maintain it. The longer they go without marriage, the greater the temptation and opportunity for them to do haram things. Keep this in mind for both yourself and your future spouse. You may not remain chaste, and you may have a hard time finding a chaste spouse in the future. 5) Don't disregard women your age or slightly older. In retrospect, it may have been better to marry a 30 year old when I was 28, than marry a 32 year old when I was 34. In the former I could have been happily married for 6 years, possibly with kids, less of a rush on the biologic clock. In the latter, I'd just be starting a relatinoship, less time to have a honeymoon period without worrying about the clock. 6) I think having a wife work is great, so long as it's because she wants to work, not because you make her. As someone else said, it's the man's responsibility to support his wife and family. That being said, an idle mind is a devil's workshop, and having a wife that works keeps her busy. Even if she doesn't work to earn money, working as a volunteer in a school, or for a charity, could be another option. 7) I have plenty of friends that have PhDs, or MDs, or masters degrees, and many had children while working on these degrees. They found a way to make it work. They took out student loans, they lived a simple life, and a few had family support. It's possible to have a family while still in school. It may mean paying back more in loans later, but you can always pay back money. You can't ever get back time. 8) You could spend a lifetime looking for someone that checks all the boxes and is perfect for you, and not find them till you're both 50. You could also find them tomorrow, but not realize they're perfect for you because you've only been looking a short time and you'll only realize they're perfect after they've married someone else. Don't look for perfection and all the check boxes checked. If you get most of the way there, spend some time getting to know them. Give them a chance to explain their positions. Explain yours. Don't give up on someone too soon. Good luck
    1 point
  11. I don't have an experience in this but I do have that fear too, and I ask the same questions all the time. I'm replying on you latest post here: I heard from my recent divorced friend that his wife isn't the same person who married 10 years ago, she like someone else now, but to be honest your age and your partner age play a huge role in this. like if you are let's say 23 years old and you are marrying a 20 years old (at this time with all the social media fantasies) you're both defiantly should be different 10 years from now. Growing up is part of the journey, but how to stay loyal and fight life together is key for this. I feel communicating with the person you want to marry and being honest about your goals, fears etc... is the main thing in any relationship.
    1 point
  12. I believe it is baseless claims by the western paid media to console themselves. The fact is the opposite. Even if it were, still, the Islamic Republic is a blessing to reveal the difference between revolutionary muslims vs secular "muslims" worldwide.
    1 point
  13. Hmm, I have observed that for the most part, the problem "polygamy" is the way in which it is introduced and practised. No sane woman will take it well if she is made to feel that a shortcoming/lack of something has led her husband to seek another women. Unfortunately, you find that a lot of men wishing to engage in polygamy (perhaps unwisely and not fully honestly) say that "I had to because my wife doesn't give me enough time" or "My wife is boring and unenergetic these days" "My wife doesn't look after her appearance" "My wife can not have children" "My wife does not know how to speak properly to me" etc. This and the fact that they often enter these polygamous marriages in secret, while the first wife knows nothing about his intentions to consider it, and by the time she gets to know of it, he has already done it or "fallen in love" with the other woman, so the first woman will definitely feel resentment because of what she will perceive as betrayal by her husband (the sneaky texts and calls while with her, the time "working extra hours at the office", the fact that she was "being made a fool of" etc). No second/third/fourth home should be built upon the tears or breakage of another home, and perhaps it is time men started having the emotional maturity to seeking polygamous marriages with transparency, honesty, and notifying the woman before it happens that I have an intention to seek out a second/third whatever person for marriage for reasons abc, while reassuring her that NONE of her interests in the marriage will be compromised or reduced. I know of people who have actually done this and had an amicable solution, either through a peaceful polygamy happening, or permission to engage in mutah, or resolution of the root issue that led the men to feel/think he needs another marriage. The blanket statements to tell women to stop being jealous and angry because men are "created" to want more than one woman is not going to make sense or sound like Adalat from the Creator who created the women with these feelings of possessiveness/jealousy if you wish to call it so. Communities who have taken a mature, honest and responsible approach to polygamy seem to have more peaceful and amicable marriages than the sneak/cheat then impose polygamy or divorce communities.
    1 point
  14. Start with having a good and fixed routine for the things you must do even on a bad day, and stick to the schedule/discipline, whether or not you feel like doing them. Then, have a routine for all the extras you do (the routine mustahabs). The root of spirituality lies in discipline, and knowing that "because I must, I can!", and overcoming your nafs to do what you must then gives you strength to do what you can, and you move towards, "because I can, I must!" <--things the first step towards inculcating spiritual discipline. The nourishment these two steps give to your soul then make progress and improvement much easier. Also, if you happen to start this routine on a good day, do not perform ibadah to the point it exhausts you. Stick to your routine, and leave the ibadah while you still crave to do more, not exhausting your spirit to the point of "phew, its over". Prolonged discipline leads to habit, and habit is one step towards doing things with Love, simply because you can not imagine any other way, and feel empty not having done them. May Allah give us tawfeeq in worshipping Him, and occupy us exclusively in that for which we were created.
    1 point
  15. Abu Hadi

    Are my standards too high

    I think overall this is not unreasonable, but there are three areas that you mentioned that you might want to think further about 1. 'Good Looking'. When you say this, do you mean a lady who is a replica of a Hollywood / Bollywood Star or super model ? That might be hard to find. You should consider a minimum in this area, rather than a maximum. You should think what you can and can't tolerate, and remove items from the list until you have maybe 1 or 2 things that you cannot tolerate then are flexible on everything else. For example, there are some men who cannot tolerate a women who is noticeably over weight or under weight. There is a saying in the US, 'The hill you want to die on'. In other words, if that is the hill you want to die on, i.e .the thing you are willing to fight for no matter what (to not have a wife who is under / overweight), then you need to be flexible on other things like facial features / structure, body proportions, hair color, skin color, eye color, height, age, etc. If you just want that, you will probably find it, but you will have to compromise on other things. Also, as I said in a previous thread, you have to realize that you have been 'brainwashed' in terms of only seeing certain features as 'Good Looking' and you should try as much as you can to not look at women on screens (as much as you can) prior to choosing a wife. 2. Aklaq. Again, you should have a minimum for this rather than a maximum. I would say, at least in the younger generation, this is where women are most lacking (in general, although there are exceptions) and you can't be too picky about this (if you want to find a wife). I will give you an example from my own experience. My standard for aklaq was that I refuse to marry a women who is rude or disrespectful to her parents. This was my main criteria for aklaq. Before I met my wife, I met a lady who was stunningly beautiful, wore hijab, did the wajib, did not do the haram (that I knew about), was compatible in terms of age, etc. She met me and also wanted to marry me. So I went to her house to meet her and her parents. She knew I was American, and she though I didn't know any Arabic. What she didn't know is that I did know some Arabic at the time, i.e. the curse words at least. So we were sitting and talking, I was talking to her and her mother and father (she spoke English, her mother and father didn't speak very good English, but they knew some). Then for some reason she and her mother got up and went in the other room. They started talking, first in a low voice then it got louder. I could hear a little bit. Then I heard her say some bad words to her mother in Arabic. I asked my friend who was sitting next to me, who introduced us, 'did you hear her say that?'. He confirmed that he did. So I finished my tea, told her that I wasn't interested, and left. She was stunned, but I told my friend to tell her the reason (after we left, I didn't want to get into a confrontation with her in front of her parents). So that was my standard. I accepted other things that I though were bad aklaq, but this is one thing I couldn't tolerate. So this is what I call a 'minimum'. The more standards you have for aklaq, the less likely it is you will find a wife. Again, this is the main thing I see lacking in this day and age so you can't be too picky. 3. Wife working as a requirement. This is problematic since in Islam, the man is in charge of supporting the family. Even if the women makes a million dollars a year, she isn't required, by Islam, to spend one penny on the family and can use it all for herself, whereas the man is required to spend what he earns to support the family. This is clear in Fiqh and Hukm. So I think it is wrong to make this a requirement for a wife. At the same time, I know the realities of modern living, especially in the West. Unless the man is wealthy, to even live a middle class life requires both spouses working. My suggestion is that you structure your lifestyle so that even if your wife didn't work, you could still do the nafakha, and support children when they come along (food, clothing, shelter, basic education, and basic medical care). This doesn't have to be fancy or impressive, just that you can pay for it with your income. Then if your wife chooses to work, she can help and contribute and maybe you can get some nicer things, but don't depend on her income for the nafakha, unless she explicitly agrees to this, I would even say in writing. Also I know, at least in the US and Canada, the property markets are extremely crazy right now. Houses that were $200,000 a few years ago are now selling for over $400,000. I think that if you get married, you should wait to buy a house until the markets calm down. They will, InShahAllah, probably in the next few years.
    1 point
  16. My first husband - I was Christian at the time and practicing Christians do not divorce under any circumstances - threatened to harm our children. He's a decent person, but his mental illness was more than I could bear. The prohibition of divorce in Christianity is a part of what drove me toward Islam. But even after the threats, I didn't separate from him. (I was stupid and brainwashed.) His psychiatrist ordered him to leave or she would report him for his threats. After he left, I realized that a life alone was better than a life in miserable marriage, so I divorced him with the intention of never marrying again, as is required according to The Bible. My second husband abandoned us. His choice, not mine.
    1 point
  17. @Zainuu, the issue you raise is important and timely, and, in my view, warrants a thread on its own. There does appear to be a rise in divorces amongst Muslims living in the West and in the Middle East. It is upsetting, and I do think we as a community should be having more discussions on this. The warning signs that I discovered only manifested themselves as we got closer to the wedding. This is a forum read by minors, so I won't go into detail. It is costly to cancel a wedding (the costs of which fell on me), so the decision I took was not taken lightly.
    0 points
  18. I'm not sure if you read your own posts or not, or maybe English is not your first language but your point makes no sense, also your translation makes no sense. No offense, but I'm not responding to you anymore. Its obvious that you have some sort of emotional hatred of the concept of mutah, and you are doing everything to discourage this practice, even when your discouragements make no sense, IMHO.
    0 points
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