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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Two wedding invitations and some musings

starlight

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I have two wedding invitations in front of me and a whole lot of thoughts going in my head. One is from a pre wedding party of a school friend. I talked about her here briefly 

To add a few more details, she got divorced after 8 or so years of marriage, no kids. Her ex got remarried within 2 months of divorce, not sure but probably this could be the reason behind the divorce. It's been just a year since they divorced and now she is marrying this Christian guy. After advice from my fellow SCers I asked her to reconsider, but then there is this invitation now. The response from the rest of the group surprised me, everyone was going oooh and aaahh and congrats and best wishes and asking about her honeymoon plans. I believe that quiet a few of my school friends are practicing Muslims, the kind who regularly attend and organize Islamic gatherings. Maybe they felt the same as me but didn't speak up like I did.When I talked to her about a month back, she was obviously uncomfortable with the conversation.I wanted to tell her that it hadn't even been a year and she should wait and eventually Allah will send a suitable Muslim man in her life. 

Then there is this second wedding invitation. It is from a coworker. I have known him for more than 10 years, early 40s, two kids, unhappily married(separated) and looking for a second wife. He had been introduced to no less than a dozen divorced girls in our work and social circle in the last two years but none of it went beyond the initial introductions.I didn't understand at the time why. All the girls,and I knew a few of them personally, seemed good matches; good looking, pleasant disposition, educated, perfectly capable of becoming good wives ... but as I read the name of the bride I suddenly understood why.She is an old student of mine and his,who changed departments to come and work very briefly with us,18 years his junior,never married before read: virgin. The last two 'qualities' have apparently made him overlook the stark difference in their intellectual and maturity levels, which is so significant that everyone is commenting on it. He is someone whom all of us believed to be a notch above the rest when it came to maturity, principles and moral values but he made the same decision as the regular run of the mill divorced single dad working in the next department made when he married a 9 years his junior previously unmarried girl.................................................................................................................................. which makes me think would it have been practical advice to tell my friend to wait and eventually she would find a Muslim man to marry???? 

 

 (please let's not start a polygamy battle here, they have come to the mutual decision of separating after years of unhappiness, she didn't ask for divorce and he has no plans to hand it to her and is taking care of her financially) 

 



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Yeah very few men have the gall to handle non-virgin girls, even in their second marriage . Also why to go for another version of their ex- in the second attempt? Conventional wisdom, why to replace a middle aged spouse with another middle aged spouse? Had a resourceful middle aged woman given the opportunity to marry in her middle age, she would do the same, that is pick the best of the lot.  

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I'm not sure what to say other than I wish them the best of luck, I wouldn't be surprised if your friend wasn't Muslim anymore. Hence she was uncomfortable when you spoke to her a month ago.

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18 hours ago, Guest said:

Conventional wisdom, why to replace a middle aged spouse with another middle aged spouse? 

There are other traits in humans besides age, aren't there? ;) 

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Guest Guester@guester.com

Posted

18 hours ago, starlight said:

There are other traits in humans besides age, aren't there? ;) 

I’m not supporting any position per se-

From anybody who was soppusedly forced** into a marriage (woman or man) would try to playout their younger years fantasies when they remarry in older age. We can’t blame them for it. 

** arranged marriages that succeed, are credited as work of selves, arranged marriages that end up sour are considered forced by the victims of it. Failure has no fathers I guess.

Besides for an older prospect, he or she already has friends of the same age for intellectual discussions, politics, or dua circles. The new young spouse is for fun and games you know.

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Guest Guester Again

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On 3/29/2019 at 5:29 PM, starlight said:

There are other traits in humans besides age, aren't there? ;) 

True. But in my opinion, people look for the newest, shiniest model when they go shopping on their own and when their pocket is full, giving them ability to pick what they want. It’s a natural average human tendency, men or women. Both behave in similar fashion in their own way. 

Again I’m not supporting any position, I’m just rationalising the experience you shared in your blog. 

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