Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
  • entries
  • comments
  • views

For Those Who Are Deliberately Delaying Marriage..



I'm currently reading the online book "Youth and Spouse Selection". It was written in the 90s, primarily targeted towards youth in Iran (but has some relevance to youth everywhere). One particular story shared was quite eye opening:



Nasser was of the opinion that man must not marry till such time as he has his own personal house, car, and a lot of money. He would not lend ear even to recommendations and advice. He kept persistently following his belief and worked to procure a house, automobile and plenty of money.

Then he decided to marry, but unfortunately, it was late. He was thirty years old and his body, soul, and nerves had become ailing and lean as an effect of the severe pressure and strains of work, sexual deviation, loneliness, etc. His face was wrinkled and old and he had lost some of his hair. Briefly speaking, he was not the same Nasser that he was ten years before. All of his enthusiasm, vigour, cheerfulness, and purity of youth had gone, and depression and impatience had taken the place of those.

He started the search for a spouse. But no sound, perfect and cheerful girl was ready to marry him. One by one, he stepped down from the height of his standards and wishes about wife. He gave up all those ambitions and high aspirations, which he has with regard to a wife. Finally, following a lot of searching and headache, he discovered a spouse who was also like him.

Conventionally speaking, she was out of date. That girl too, on the pretexts of getting an education, learning skills and crafts and finding a spouse according to her own wrong standards and taste, had remained alone. The factors which had made Nasser unhealthy and emaciated had affected her also, resulting in spiritual and nervous ailments. She was also around thirty years.

This boy and girl, who can hardly be called boy and girl married unwillingly. The result is quiet clear. How could a couple which lack courage and spirit, lead a cheerful and creative life?

Right from the beginning, differences, frigidity and seeking excuses started taking shape. And now they have a hellish life! The battle of nerves, confrontations, and struggles creates a noisy scene. They have a number of children. Such poor children, on one hand, witness the lack of courage and vigour of their parents to train them and solve their problems, and on the other, they keep viewing the constant quarrel and confrontations of their parents. As a matter of fact, such children are pitiable.

Now the house, car and money can no more help to solve any problem. This is like a medicine after one's death!



Full text of book here:




Recommended Comments

What's your opinion about the story you shared above? 

I think the thought behind the story isn't wrong but there are quite a few exaggerations. People aren't old and ailing and wrinkled at 30.  Nor are they out of spirit and old and grumpy. I know guys who got married post 30 and they are doing fine. It's a one sided very pessimistic picture, far from real. 

Share this comment

Link to comment

The message is clear, that getting married should be a priority over external matters, and delaying it is at one's own peril and risk. According to the author, only marriage can preserve the spirit and character of youthfulness. Otherwise, harmful physical and spiritual effects of various degrees will be a natural consequence over time, as the story illustrates.

Even if some people can wait until their 30s, and appear relatively unscathed and "doing fine", it would be a social disaster for the youth en masse if society reflected its compass of normalization in that direction. Many causalities, overt and hidden, would occur. 

This story frightened and terrified me personally, and makes me worry about many people.

Share this comment

Link to comment

Personally I hope that this story could get drilled more often, esp to youth..this is what we need to hear. Too often we've been told go for education, you're still young, and western culture has taken it's toll...we need to be told that you can have both education, work, and marriage. In fact, you'll be able to function better since your human needs are being met. We need to go back to simplicity, and stop ridiculous expectations. Already when someone gets married at 30 they're going to have at least a 30 year age gap with their child. Thanks for sharing.


Share this comment

Link to comment

I think the story (and book) is to make a principled based point, although some of the practical solutions he provides may not be applicable for other places and time periods.

But 30 (as in this story) is too late no matter where you are. It should be reasonable goal for everyone to marry in their early-mid 20s, no matter what.

Share this comment

Link to comment

I do think some people who delay marriage become bitter and cynical, and develop a habit of independence which is damaging to marriage and hard to break. I do think people shouldn't delay marriage if they are able to find the right spouse when they are young. But not all people over 30 are too old to marry. I would have agreed with the admonitions of this article a few years ago, I've even stated here on shiachat that I'd give preference to a widowed or divorced older man over a never married man over 30 because being alone too long is damaging, but that was before I met my husband.

Marriage is a risky endeavor and shouldn't be rushed at any age. 

Share this comment

Link to comment
2 hours ago, magma said:

Do you feel marriage is riskier today than its ever been before? Things seemed simpler in the "good old days", at least what I've been told.

Honestly, yes I do. Back in the day, you fell in love with the person next door, and all was good. The families knew each other. Or in the village you lived where everyone knew each other and the respective families, and everyone got married easily--but look at us now--especially for first generationers outside of the old country. Youth are limited in terms of finding matching potentials, everyone is too "busy", and unrealistic expectations galore. The potentials that one does come across are from arbitrary sources that one may not be able to trust (i.e. from internet, from some obscure family on the other side of the country, or even overseas).

But of course, communities, parents, aunties/uncles, mediators, and people looking to get married should step up the game Insha'Allah. 

Share this comment

Link to comment

Getting married is easier when families, communities, and social systems are strong. It's a self-destructive cycle otherwise. A poor community leads to poor marriages and families, which makes the community that much poorer.

For any given individual, its extremely frustrating because of the mechanisms you mentioned, which are difficult, unnatural, and extremely cumbersome. It's no surprise some just give up.

Edited by magma

Share this comment

Link to comment

Are any of us the Nasser we were 10 years ago? I do hope Nasser didnt read this article, i dont think it will have done anything for his self esteem. The narrator seems to be suggesting that Nasser was wrong to assume that no woman would be interested in him beyond his possessions and wealth (:)), but rather that, in reality, theyre not interested in him because he's wrinkly, miserable and balding (:(). Its also worrying that the narrator thinks that Nassers apparent perfection seeking tendency is reasonable and healthy, yet suggests an 'out of date'(?) girl is pretty much what he deserves for being such a misguided idiot. The general implication is that anyone approaching 30 who hasnt yet married must be a cowardly, unimaginative, listless, perverted, physically infirm, asocial and angry person and should expect a hostile and physically unsatisfying marriage. I think whoever wrote this article should stop using Shia Chat as the control group for their research Ninja-Invisible.gif.84bb8a29447f10447f8f

Share this comment

Link to comment

A carrier always start from an initial point then your learning and experience elevate you to a more higher position. Similarly marital life starts from a couple and then one kid and the other ; lesser burden at the start and grow gradually quite a natural. If we try to maintain balance within our needs and desires and keep on loving our family and working devotedly in our professional carrier, we can surely enjoy the marital life as well as prosperity. So try to keep balance and coincide with nature.

Share this comment

Link to comment

The passage in isolation is utter nonsense and seems like propaganda, I can't think of any other explanation.  I hope the author had the decency to at least include some qualifiers or exceptions as to not make older single individuals feel more miserable than they already do, or to delude others who are otherwise happy.  Painting these one sided pictures is never a good idea.


Share this comment

Link to comment

see the problem is places like toronto is that, suddenly somegirls out there are extremely career oriented, and you could be studying for the sake of it, but other girls could make you feel you need to put a pressure on getting a career started,m thats the thing in toronto, just quickly go out there and get ajob, this thinking i hope doesnt come to dubai, i hate western thinking expanding itself in other countries unless it is for positive reasons

Share this comment

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Latest Blog Entries

    • By starlight in Combat With The Self
      Imam Jafar al-Sadiq(عليه السلام) said: 'Allah revealed to Dawud(as): " When one of my servants resorts to me and not to anyone of My creation, I know that from his inner intention, such that even if the skies and the Earth and their inhabitants were to conspire against him, I will make an outlet for him in spite of them. And when one of My servants resorts to one of my creatures, I know that too from his intention, such that I cut off the means of subsistence of the skies from him, and I will make the Earth disintegrate from under him, and do not care in which valley he perishes."'  al-Kafi,v.2, p.52,no.1.
      Imam Jafar al-Sadiq(عليه السلام) said: ' Whoever from among the servants of Allah devotes himself towards that which Allah loves, Allah too devotes Himself to that which he loves. And whoever resorts entirely to Allah, Allah protects him, and whoever turns towards Allah, Allah accepts him and protects him, such that whether the sky was falling upon the Earth, or a calamity was to befall all the inhabitants of the Earth, he would in the Party of Allah, secure from all calamities. Indeed,does not Allah say: "Surely those who guard against evil are in a secure place?"' (Qur'an 44:51)   al-Kafi,v.2,p.53,no.4
    • By Ali in ShiaChat.com Blog
      [This will be a series of blog entries on the history of ShiaChat.com; how it was founded, major ups and down, politics and issues behind running such a site and of course, the drama!  I will also provide some feedback on development efforts, new features and future goals and objectives]
      Part 1 - The IRC (#Shia) Days!
      Sit children, gather around and let me speak to you of tales of times before there was ever high-speed Internet, Wi-Fi, YouTube or Facebook; a time when the Internet was a much different place and 15 yearold me was still trying to make sense of it all. 
      In the 90s, the Internet was a very different place; no social media, no video streaming and downloading an image used to take anywhere from 5-10 minutes depending on how fast your 14.4k monster-sized dial-up modem was.  Of course you also had to be lucky enough for your mom to have the common courtesy not to disconnect you when you’re in the middle of a session; that is if you were privileged enough to have Internet at home and not have to spend hours at school or libraries, or looking for AOL discs with 30 hour free trials..(Breathe... breathe... breathe) -  I digress.
      Back in 1998 when Google was still a little computer sitting in Larry Page and Sergey Brin’s basement, I was engaged in endless debates with our Sunni brothers on an IRC channel called #Shia.  (Ok, a side note here for all you little pups.  This is not read as Hashtag Shia, the correct way of reading this is “Channel Shia”.  The “Hashtag” was a much cooler thing back in the day than the way you young’uns use it today).
      For those of you who don’t know what IRC was (or is... as it still exists), it stands for Internet Relay Chat, which are servers available that you could host chat rooms in and connect through a client.  It was like the Wild West where anyone can go and “found” their own channel (chat room), become an operator and reign down their god-like dictator powers upon the minions that were to join as a member of their chat room.  Luckily, #Shia had already been established for a few years before by a couple of brothers I met from Toronto, Canada (Hussain A. and Mohammed H.).  Young and eager, I quickly rose up the ranks to become a moderator (@Ali) and the chatroom quickly became an important part of my adolescent years.  I learned everything I knew from that channel and met some of the most incredible people.  Needless to say, I spent hours and dedicated a good portion of my life on the chatroom; of course, the alternate was school and work but that was just boring to a 15-year-old.
      In the 90’s, creating a website was just starting to be cool so I volunteered to create a website for #Shia to advertise our services, who we are, what we do as well as have a list of moderators and administrators that have volunteered to maintain #Shia.  As a result, #Shia’s first website was hosted on a friend’s server under the URL http://786-110.co.uk/shia/ - yes, ShiaChat.com as a domain did not exist yet – was too expensive for my taste so we piggybacked on one of our member’s servers and domain name.
      The channel quickly became popular, so popular that we sometimes outnumbered our nemesis, #Islam.  As a result, our moderator team was growing as well and we needed a website with an application that would help us manage our chatroom in a more efficient style.  Being a global channel, it was very hard to do “shift transfers” and knowledge transfers between moderators as the typical nature of a chatroom is the fact that when a word is typed, its posted and its gone after a few seconds – this quickly became a pain point for us trying to maintain a list of offenders to keep an eye out for and have it all maintained in a historical, easily accessible way.
      A thought occurred to me.  Why not start a “forum” for the moderators to use?  The concept of “forums” or discussion boards was new to the Internet – it was the seed of what we call social media today.  The concept of having a chat-style discussion be forever hosted online and be available for everyone to view and respond to at any time from anywhere was extremely well welcomed by the Internet users.  I don’t recall what software or service I initially used to set that forum up, but I did – with absolutely no knowledge that the forum I just set up was a tiny little acorn that would one day be the oak tree that is ShiaChat.com.
      [More to follow, Part 2..]
      So who here is still around from the good old #Shia IRC days?
    • By starlight in Combat With The Self
      Imam Jafar al-Sadiq(عليه السلام) said:' Allah Almighty has said:'The one whose prayer(salat) is the most readily accepted is the one who abases himself to My Greatness, holds himself back from his desires for My sake, passes his day in My remembrance, does not behave haughtily over My creatures, feeds the hungry, clothes the naked, has mercy on the afflicted, and gives refuge to the traveller who is away from his home, as all this makes his light shine forth, and like the sun I create a light for him in the darkness and a clemency for him in the times of ignorance, I protect him with my Might and My angels guard him, for all that I have in my possession is like the Gardens of Perpetuity whose fruits are always within reach, and remain eternally fresh*.''"    - Al Mahasin, p.15, no.44. 
      * Refers to Qur'an verse 69:23: 'The fruits of which are near at hand' and corresponds with the humility of the believer. 
    • By starlight in Combat With The Self
      One of Imam Jafar al-Sadiq(as)'s companions, 'Abdullah b.Sanan once asked him: 'Are the angels better or humans better?' to which he(عليه السلام) replied: ' Amir al Muminin, Ali b. abi talib said:"Allah endowed angels with intellect without desire, animals with desire without intellect and man with both of them. So he whose intellect manages to conquer his desire is better than angels, and he whose desires overcome his intellect is worse than animals.'"   Illal al Sharai, p.4, no.1 
       Imam Jafar al-Sadiq(عليه السلام) narrated on the authority of his infallible forefathers that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) said: 'Blessings upon the one who abandons his desires for the sake of a promised place that he has not even seen.'              Thawab al-Amal, p.211,no.1
      Imam Amir al- Muminin(عليه السلام)said:' How many a fleeting desire that lasts but an hour brings about an enduring sorrow.'          Nahjul Balagha,v.3, p.193, no,171
      Imam Amir al- Muminin(عليه السلام)said: " How many an indulgent meal prevents several meals.'                    Al-Mahasin, p.15, no.44
    • By Haji 2003 in Stories for Sakina
      I had a thoughtful afternoon in the National Archaeological Museum in Athens some years ago and was inspired to write this. 
      One day, many hundreds of years ago, there was a storm in the Mediterranean Sea. And it was no different to all the other storms that happened before or after, but this storm must have been a special storm because it sank a special ship. 
      The ship itself was no different from the many other ships that have sailed before or after this event, but this one was special because it carried a special cargo. And the cargo itself was no different to what has sunk in the Mediterranean either before or after, except that there was just one piece in that cargo that is, so far, unique. 
      It’s unique because the person who put it together thought a lot about what they were doing. Obviously, lots of people think about what they make, but these must have been special thoughts because no one else has yet come across anything so clever that was made so far back in ancient history. And the thoughts were special because unlike many pretty things that you can only look at, this little item can be used for a specific objective and that is what really makes it special. It can be used to tell the positions of the stars and predict eclipses and it does this because it has lots of moving parts that all move very precisely indeed and that is why it can be called a ‘mechanism’.
      And why was this little item on the sea? Because someone far away wanted to buy it. The people who made it had become famous in other countries for their creations because they were clever and beautiful. But over time the creators had become poor and the people in other countries had become rich. And what the poor people had left were their thoughts and ideas but perhaps they were not so happy when other peoples' appreciation of those ideas meant that they wanted souvenirs and these were often the physical representation of those ideas and the more such souvenirs that were taken away the fewer there were left.
      Eventually, these rich people (the Romans, inspired by the Greeks) would become known for their own beautiful and clever works and when they became poor their children too would see things their forefathers had made taken away by rich people in other countries.
      And so it came to be that this little mechanism, was being transported over the sea because someone else could afford to buy it. Perhaps they knew how to use it, or perhaps they didn’t. The storm meant that it never reached its destination. It was a loss for the person who sold it, it was a loss for the person who bought it and it was obviously a loss for the sailors who carried it.
      And so, it remained a loss for many hundreds of years, except when it was found in the sea and people started to work out what it was and how it worked. And the cleverer people became the more they realized how clever the mechanism was. So what had been a loss for so many years became a discovery and then an important discovery and will remain so, for many more years. 
      And because by this time people had invented all sorts of different mechanisms, they needed to give it a name and they called it the Antikythera mechanism because that’s the island near where it was lost. And this time instead of rich foreign people taking it away, they paid for it to be seen near where it was found. But they wanted their name linked to it because they wanted everyone to see that they were clever and that they knew what was beautiful. 
    • By Haji 2003 in Contemporania
      The photo-journalist Cartier-Bresson coined this phrase, with a book of the same name, whose English title was 'the decisive moment'. Capturing such moments can be fun and rewarding.
      I've been trying to encourage Maryam to see photographic picture taking as being an opportunistic exercise where good shots can be unexpected, unplanned and based purely on the recognition that there might be something there.
      We were in Regents Park yesterday and she was taking pictures of Abbas cycling on the Broadwalk. I noticed this group and told her to switch her attention. She came up with this. There were, better compositions but they were out of focus etc. Still, as I told her the trick is to practice these situations enough so that when a money shot does happen you know exactly what to do.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Blog Statistics

    Total Blogs
    Total Entries
  • Create New...