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In the Name of God بسم الله
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For Those Who Are Deliberately Delaying Marriage..

Reza

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I'm currently reading the online book "Youth and Spouse Selection". It was written in the 90s, primarily targeted towards youth in Iran (but has some relevance to youth everywhere). One particular story shared was quite eye opening:
 

Quote

 

Nasser was of the opinion that man must not marry till such time as he has his own personal house, car, and a lot of money. He would not lend ear even to recommendations and advice. He kept persistently following his belief and worked to procure a house, automobile and plenty of money.

Then he decided to marry, but unfortunately, it was late. He was thirty years old and his body, soul, and nerves had become ailing and lean as an effect of the severe pressure and strains of work, sexual deviation, loneliness, etc. His face was wrinkled and old and he had lost some of his hair. Briefly speaking, he was not the same Nasser that he was ten years before. All of his enthusiasm, vigour, cheerfulness, and purity of youth had gone, and depression and impatience had taken the place of those.

He started the search for a spouse. But no sound, perfect and cheerful girl was ready to marry him. One by one, he stepped down from the height of his standards and wishes about wife. He gave up all those ambitions and high aspirations, which he has with regard to a wife. Finally, following a lot of searching and headache, he discovered a spouse who was also like him.

Conventionally speaking, she was out of date. That girl too, on the pretexts of getting an education, learning skills and crafts and finding a spouse according to her own wrong standards and taste, had remained alone. The factors which had made Nasser unhealthy and emaciated had affected her also, resulting in spiritual and nervous ailments. She was also around thirty years.

This boy and girl, who can hardly be called boy and girl married unwillingly. The result is quiet clear. How could a couple which lack courage and spirit, lead a cheerful and creative life?

Right from the beginning, differences, frigidity and seeking excuses started taking shape. And now they have a hellish life! The battle of nerves, confrontations, and struggles creates a noisy scene. They have a number of children. Such poor children, on one hand, witness the lack of courage and vigour of their parents to train them and solve their problems, and on the other, they keep viewing the constant quarrel and confrontations of their parents. As a matter of fact, such children are pitiable.

Now the house, car and money can no more help to solve any problem. This is like a medicine after one's death!

 

 

Full text of book here:

http://www.al-islam.org/youth-and-spouse-selection-ali-akbar-mazaheri

 



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What's your opinion about the story you shared above? 

I think the thought behind the story isn't wrong but there are quite a few exaggerations. People aren't old and ailing and wrinkled at 30.  Nor are they out of spirit and old and grumpy. I know guys who got married post 30 and they are doing fine. It's a one sided very pessimistic picture, far from real. 

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The message is clear, that getting married should be a priority over external matters, and delaying it is at one's own peril and risk. According to the author, only marriage can preserve the spirit and character of youthfulness. Otherwise, harmful physical and spiritual effects of various degrees will be a natural consequence over time, as the story illustrates.

Even if some people can wait until their 30s, and appear relatively unscathed and "doing fine", it would be a social disaster for the youth en masse if society reflected its compass of normalization in that direction. Many causalities, overt and hidden, would occur. 

This story frightened and terrified me personally, and makes me worry about many people.

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Personally I hope that this story could get drilled more often, esp to youth..this is what we need to hear. Too often we've been told go for education, you're still young, and western culture has taken it's toll...we need to be told that you can have both education, work, and marriage. In fact, you'll be able to function better since your human needs are being met. We need to go back to simplicity, and stop ridiculous expectations. Already when someone gets married at 30 they're going to have at least a 30 year age gap with their child. Thanks for sharing.

:ws:

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I think the story (and book) is to make a principled based point, although some of the practical solutions he provides may not be applicable for other places and time periods.

But 30 (as in this story) is too late no matter where you are. It should be reasonable goal for everyone to marry in their early-mid 20s, no matter what.

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I do think some people who delay marriage become bitter and cynical, and develop a habit of independence which is damaging to marriage and hard to break. I do think people shouldn't delay marriage if they are able to find the right spouse when they are young. But not all people over 30 are too old to marry. I would have agreed with the admonitions of this article a few years ago, I've even stated here on shiachat that I'd give preference to a widowed or divorced older man over a never married man over 30 because being alone too long is damaging, but that was before I met my husband.

Marriage is a risky endeavor and shouldn't be rushed at any age. 

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2 hours ago, magma said:

Do you feel marriage is riskier today than its ever been before? Things seemed simpler in the "good old days", at least what I've been told.

Honestly, yes I do. Back in the day, you fell in love with the person next door, and all was good. The families knew each other. Or in the village you lived where everyone knew each other and the respective families, and everyone got married easily--but look at us now--especially for first generationers outside of the old country. Youth are limited in terms of finding matching potentials, everyone is too "busy", and unrealistic expectations galore. The potentials that one does come across are from arbitrary sources that one may not be able to trust (i.e. from internet, from some obscure family on the other side of the country, or even overseas).

But of course, communities, parents, aunties/uncles, mediators, and people looking to get married should step up the game Insha'Allah. 

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Getting married is easier when families, communities, and social systems are strong. It's a self-destructive cycle otherwise. A poor community leads to poor marriages and families, which makes the community that much poorer.

For any given individual, its extremely frustrating because of the mechanisms you mentioned, which are difficult, unnatural, and extremely cumbersome. It's no surprise some just give up.

Edited by magma

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Are any of us the Nasser we were 10 years ago? I do hope Nasser didnt read this article, i dont think it will have done anything for his self esteem. The narrator seems to be suggesting that Nasser was wrong to assume that no woman would be interested in him beyond his possessions and wealth (:)), but rather that, in reality, theyre not interested in him because he's wrinkly, miserable and balding (:(). Its also worrying that the narrator thinks that Nassers apparent perfection seeking tendency is reasonable and healthy, yet suggests an 'out of date'(?) girl is pretty much what he deserves for being such a misguided idiot. The general implication is that anyone approaching 30 who hasnt yet married must be a cowardly, unimaginative, listless, perverted, physically infirm, asocial and angry person and should expect a hostile and physically unsatisfying marriage. I think whoever wrote this article should stop using Shia Chat as the control group for their research Ninja-Invisible.gif.84bb8a29447f10447f8f

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A carrier always start from an initial point then your learning and experience elevate you to a more higher position. Similarly marital life starts from a couple and then one kid and the other ; lesser burden at the start and grow gradually quite a natural. If we try to maintain balance within our needs and desires and keep on loving our family and working devotedly in our professional carrier, we can surely enjoy the marital life as well as prosperity. So try to keep balance and coincide with nature.

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The passage in isolation is utter nonsense and seems like propaganda, I can't think of any other explanation.  I hope the author had the decency to at least include some qualifiers or exceptions as to not make older single individuals feel more miserable than they already do, or to delude others who are otherwise happy.  Painting these one sided pictures is never a good idea.

 

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see the problem is places like toronto is that, suddenly somegirls out there are extremely career oriented, and you could be studying for the sake of it, but other girls could make you feel you need to put a pressure on getting a career started,m thats the thing in toronto, just quickly go out there and get ajob, this thinking i hope doesnt come to dubai, i hate western thinking expanding itself in other countries unless it is for positive reasons

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