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In the Name of God بسم الله
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3wliya_maryam

Sometimes we forget to be grateful for many of the blessings God has decreed upon us that if we were to thank him for countless days and nights, it would never be sufficient. Some of us may not realise that despite living in a house where our parents have different mindsets that complicate many aspects in life, perhaps during their time they had it far more worse. We forget that they have gone through immense pressure trying to give us a life far more opportunistic than theirs, yet they fail to realise how a lot of their customs prevents us from seeking opportunities in the first place. Think about the conservative societies they used to live in the past century and how difficult it was to overcome. Perhaps our parents think that their way of upbringing will lure us away from the demonised world, to save our mental stability and hence they carry their past teachings and culture to the next generation. On the contrary, that belief has torn us apart.

Our parents have survived war, signed myriad of papers and fought with the Western laws to seek a better environment for themselves and future offspring. We know that our families cannot seem to fathom our changes as we develop. They believe we are steering out of the line of honour and family reputation that if a slight error was committed then it would be spread throughout the entire community. You end up hearing tales and calumnies from storytellers who often find it entertaining to dwell in the affairs of others. The values and customs I have been raised in believe that a family's dignity and privilege is held by the eldest daughter where her wrongdoings mean familial destruction. Whilst having a good reputation at some point is crucial to living a substantial life, parents forget that our unexpressed feelings matter more than pleasing an egoistic community. 

In Islam, one of the major sins is the displeasing of parents, where their anger is equatable to God's. Surely we must strive to respect them as they become elders, despite the levels of irritability we receive almost everyday. We are taught to maintain patience and that is further learnt more deeply during adolescence. Even so, a lot of the times one has knowledge of what is right yet still choose to divert into the path of wrong. An example is when our parents infuriate us, it results in retaliation rather than remaining quiet and calm. Understandably, nobody wants to hear someone create quite vague assumptions and further jump to the worst conclusions. That is one of the nuisances we normally find within parents.

From past personal experience, despite my OCD was likely of being genetic, I discovered that the strategies my parents used to make the entire family adhere to religion were often uncompromising. They believe using threats will make their children stand firm towards God and whilst I partially agree, the end result may be discrepancy. I've always loved being a Muslim. Observing full hijab from a very young age, praying at night outside the backyard beneath His illuminating creation whilst holding the sacred Qur'an in my hands. I thought I felt undeniable peace, but was it truly as peaceful as it sounded like?  I was on attack the minute I stood onto my prayer mat or opened a supplication prayer. Those rampaging thoughts destroyed my inner peace. It seemed like I was a saintly servant of God, but the reality was that I was hurting deep down without even figuring out the cause. After recovery, a part of me came to conclusion as to what had led to these doubts and whispers in the first place. It somewhat was in relation towards my parent's upbringing, where I had noticed the number of threatening remarks they used in relation to God made me believe that I was obliged to add in the extra effort and consistency towards my prayers and other obligations. However, a number of times they had caught me in such a state and tried to give me solid advice that I am already pious enough in the eyes of God. And yet I always felt like I did a mistake in my ablution that led to repetitive cleansing.  

Then again, we are far more mature than to be constantly blaming parents for our actions. I criticise myself for being too naive and turning small situations into extreme ones. The truth is nobody else is at fault but ourselves because we have full control over our own actions. We are willing to blame others for our mistakes in order to escape guilt or responsibility. Parents may have played some role in the way we have turned out to be, yet we know ourselves way too well as adults that most of it is our own fault, Maybe we did not realise that controlling our thoughts and actions could have been taken into our own hands if only we did not let all that negativity consume us.

 

3wliya_maryam

sensitivity

The correlation between OCD and being sensitive may apply only to some people. There is no clear evidence that highly sensitive individuals are prone to the disorder, although one of the symptoms indicate sensitivity to be a major factor. For instance, one may begin to obsess over hygiene as they fear being contaminated or infected with bacteria at home, so they start washing their hands repeatedly or attempting to maintain the cleanliness of the house. They are sensitive to any foreign substance present within their surrounding environment.

In Islam, we must sustain purity before prayer. That means performing ablution or a full body ritual purification that is called 'ghusl'. Nevertheless, one may start developing doubts as to whether they are truly purified. Women may have doubts about discharge whilst men may begin to worry about excreting semen. Perhaps their clothes were impure, or that they passed gas during prayer. It could lead to repeatedly showering, performing ablution or using the bathroom more frequently. For the individual it is undoubtedly stressful and can lead to physical health problems, such as dry skin and hair as well as acne.

The flashback memories of my past childhood always affects me till this day. I was born as a sensitive and naive child. Sensitivity is that one trait people often despise, even the carriers of it. I was faced with difficulties for self acceptance, because not only did I loathe my self for my overreacting personality, I was a victim of fat shaming. I wanted to feel happy, free of worries by claiming my desires. But unfortunately we do not live in a Utopian world; not everything we wish for can be granted, unless we choose to put the effort. I definitely take it to heart if someone still fat shamed me, even if it was merely a 'joke'. It evokes all my memories of self loathe, where I was rather too young to be feeling insecure followed by wasted effort from dieting and physical activity. We dislike being called sensitive despite us being fully aware. We refuse to admit our behaviours because we choose to not be defined by it. We feel weak, with no self control towards our impulses. When these emotions begin to overwhelm us, our mental health deteriorates. We feel violated if one makes a remark, which leads us being defensive.

One must also understand that sensitive people can vary. Some are just easily emotional and have deep empathy, whereas others I previously mentioned have the tendency to take everything so personal. Normally these individuals have insecurities followed by low self esteem and hence their weakness is criticism. They are not skilled to ignore varying perceptions because they choose to listen to them and not their own conscious mind. It is the fear of judgement that they may receive.

You may be wondering about its relevance to scrupulosity, but in some form it plays a role. Again, it is not necessarily the cause of the disorder and this is only an elucidation of my own personal experience. I investigated within myself and realised that one of the triggers towards OCD was my highly sensitive personality. Followed by the altering chemical changes, my overreactions led to repetitive self harm out of guilt and loathe. My personality may have been a stepping stone towards the disorder; the smallest of things I felt was a grave sin and through time it only had gotten worse.

Do not let others define you, a very important lesson that I wish I had grasped years ago. People like to manipulate and make you feel bad, even though you may be the victim. That does not mean you should play its role, rather you should only believe in what your heart feels right. Sometimes we know that our very own mind controls us too and causes us to react or act in ways we regret later, but do not let the past define you. Every now and then I feel hurt from my own levels of faith, because when you have that love and dedication to the Lord, the judgements you receive will become meaningless.

 

 

3wliya_maryam

guilt

I came across a tragic story of a young man who committed suicide as he convinced himself that he was not a true servant of God. He was well known for his piety and devotion in religious obligations. But such dark whispers led him to believe that Allah was still displeased with him. Whether or not he knew that suicide is a grave sin, perhaps he thought that he would never reach God's satisfaction either way. 

I was baffled and lost with words. Someone who had such high faith and yet found it hard to battle the demons that propelled him to his downfall. But only He knew precisely what he was going through; it may have been his family, or the community's imagery of Islam. He most likely was suffering from depression or anxiety. Part of me wishes to have helped him drive away his misery as we both share similar grievances. May Allah forgive and have mercy upon him.

It is quite scary to even imagine the consequences of any mental illness and where it could lead to. For something as perplexing as this man's story I have never read that OCD could be this severe. Perhaps he had a secret, where he did not choose to end his life on the basis of these thoughts that are linked to the disorder. It may have been something else that was giving him torment.

Guilt is an intolerable feeling second to heartbreak. Islamically it is meant to restrain us from sinning and if it were to cease from mankind, we would all turn into vicious and evil beings. However, in some cases guilt can become so vulnerable that it can no longer be tolerated. When this happens individuals may develop a strong fear towards guilt which is termed as "guilt sensitivity" and is shown to be one of the main symptoms of OCD. They feel violated and hence to avoid this unbearable emotion, ritualistic patterns and behaviours are performed to eliminate it. If we relate this to scrupulosity, the individual highly fears God. They will try their hardest to end the guilt by excessively praying or performing other religious obligations, believing that this will please Him. In fact, it only worsens the symptoms and results in pathological guilt that can become distressing.

Prior to finding treatment within myself, I was the kind to easily feel overwhelmed with heavy guilt, especially towards my family. It tormented me from the inside, where I would choose to withdraw in my confined space and release my emotions. I loathed feeling this way as it was getting out of hand. When I finally found the means to break free from my compulsions, that feeling went away. And even when I still felt guilty for hurting my parents, I intended to drive it away as I did not want to experience the same kind of hurt again.

Parents have a talented skill in guilt tripping their children as a means of attempting to keep them in line. If there is one aspect within our parents upbringing that has negatively impacted our lives of youth would be in terms of religion by using guilt ineffectively. An example would be forcing a child to pray, or forcing them to wear the headscarf. All that force only does more harm than good, but sadly some parents do not realise that. God does not intend to make our religion difficult to pursue, therefore Islam is a religion of encouragement and not force. Each Muslim is on their own journey, their own pathway into seeking the truth and strengthening their will regardless of what stage they are in. If our parents weren't so compromised towards their communities' vile perceptions and clinging onto idiotic cultural taboos then I doubt majority of us would be in such a position. Now that we have identified the truth, we will be the generation to alter the ways we have been taught by them.

3wliya_maryam

Scrupulosity

When we think of the term Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, certain thoughts may enter our mind such as the need to maintain hygiene or the need to constantly check, fear of contamination or hurting others. It is much more than that. It also primarily deals with the 'obsession' of thoughts, as I'd like to call it. Being inclined to unwanted thoughts, such as sexual or religious ones and the more you try to push it away, the worse it gets. It is like someone telling you to continue thinking this way even if you don't like it. Although this does not make sense, readers who are able to connect will get the idea.

Scrupulosity is the term given for religious OCD and is quite common within the younger generation. Fear of being a sinful human in the eyes of God, fear of constantly repeating one's prayers or rituals, lustful or bad thoughts about religious figures and others. It may possibly stem from genetic factors, but environmental conditions play a major role. Families who have been raised in conservative societies will often intertwine religion and culture, thus leading to confusion. Young adults who try so hard to keep their connection with God on a pure level will surround themselves with fear and worry of not being a righteous Muslim/Christian/Jew. 

Religious OCD was first termed scrupulosity in the 12th century. It derives from a traditional use of the term 'scruples' in a religious context, which means being obsessively concerned of one's sins and religious devotion. Moreover, the word in fact originates from the Latin word 'scurpulom' meaning sharp stone which implies the stabbing pain one suffers from their own conscience. Many famous historical religious figures would express their obsessional suffering where it became recognised as a mental disorder in the 16th century, being termed as 'religious melachony'. It is now a modern day pyschological problem, with its prevalence as rather speculative. 

 I was born and raised into a religious family whom emphasised on the importance of Islam. When I was consistent on keeping up with my prayers and religious tasks, this is when the major hurdle begun. As much as I loved being a good faithful Muslim, such thoughts that I somehow created within my mind used to intervene every single moment of the day. It used to bother me the moment I started to pray, read Qur'an, or anything that was not religion-based. I'd stay awake all night repeating the same thoughts in my head, and it felt like I was being choked by somebody. I was also scared by the number of sins I would commit, such as angering my parents. Whenever I'd anger them for the slightest thing, it led to me being emotional and apologetic. I didn't want them to stay mad at me as I feared that my prayers won't be accepted. Later on I ended up realising that I was manipulated for most of the time which really hurt me. I was coerced into believing that certain things were forbidden in Islam when it later sounded all very contradicting. This is when I started to lose most of my faith, because of the lies that I have been told. The amount of times I apologised to my parents has led me to even despise the word 'sorry'. It is when I started to realise that Islam is not as complicated as certain people make it seem to be.

My point here is not about Islam being the cause of OCD; it is about how others misrepresent the truth. For that reason, we find people either not practising or turning into agnostics. All because of the idiotic cultural taboos within our religion. If we somehow fall out of line in terms of faith, even if it was a small slip, we are suddenly hypocritical disbelieving servants of God. That's what victims of scrupulosity have to deal with, they are constantly under fear that the slightest thing would displease the Lord. Firstly, this life was set as a test; no doubt that human beings are prone to sinning, it is not possible for anyone to reach perfection. The least we can do is try our best and pray sincerely for our guidance. 

 

 

3wliya_maryam

You're awake at night, in a deep dark suspense. Not a pindrop of sound. You face upwards towards the ceiling, trying to think about God, but everytime you do, the devil makes his way into your head. You feel frustrated, anxious, and devastated; wondering how can you stop him from getting inside your thoughts. How do you continue to keep that connection with your Lord without him trying to distance yourself from faith? 

For nearly five years, I suffered from a common condition as to what we know as OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I never knew what it first was until I was around 15 and found out that it can even be genetic (from my father's side). It was really difficult and coming from a religious family, things became more complicated. Later onwards, I realised that God is not a strict being, nor does he want our religion to feel complicated - and yet we are the ones who complicate it for ourselves. Alot of people especially within my culture make it seem like Islam is somewhat forceful and harsh. The sad truth is, some corrupt leaders have represented our religion in such a way that contradicts to what it originally was 1400 years ago. 
I don't only blame terrorist groups for portraying a terrible image of Prophet Muhammad's teachings, but our own community has also failed us. We are surrounded by blindness and ignorance yet its hard for us to realise that until we ourselves choose to divert in the path of seeking the true knowledge. However, alot of prideful humans will cease to believe the truth even if it was witnessed before them. Their arrogance is more worthy than divine knowledge.

3wliya_maryam

the chosen one

In a time of ignorance

A period of injustice and profanity 

Where it was filled with insanity 

Hearts were filled with vanity

 

He sent a true messenger 

To fulfill a mission that would change humanity

To forbid atrocity and spread morality

To guide His creatures towards the true message

To remove the calamities and wreckage

 

The hypocrites wouldn't stop mocking him

Calling him names and throwing dirt

He let them do so freely, for he was never hurt

'Cause the Lord was always by his side

Every night he raised his hands and cried

Praying that his people would follow the truth

 

A man of respect and dignity 

A man who preached unity 

He who gave women their rights 

He who gave the nation its might 

 

The Holy Book and the Holy Progeny

The two things that held the nation together

But he still knew about the bad prophecy

He could already sense the wild weather

 

Ya Rasullulah,

 

Can you see how your nation tore apart 

When it used to be only one

 

Can you see the amount of bloodshed

Leaving thousands of your Muslims dead

 

Can you see the amount of hatred and sedition

Leaving thousands of your Muslims in a heartless condition 

 

Waiting for your chosen ancestor

To free the Earth from the oppressors

To fill it with justice and remove the tyranny

 

You were the chosen one to mankind 

An immaculate soul that He designed.

 

السلام عليك يا رسول الله ❤️

اللهم صلي على محمد و آل محمد

3wliya_maryam

Am I not allowed to grow a little confidence?

To get past my self consciousness?

 

Why youse gotta restrict me 

From getting rid of my insecurity

Youse will never understand why I keep disobeying

Youse may think I'm selfish, but I keep praying 

Hoping for a miracle to pass by and change your minds

 

I know that it's for my protection 

But I'm old enough to depend on my own

Everyday I keep staring at my reflection 

Wondering when youse will leave me alone.

 

But seriously though

 

 

Am I not allowed to grow a little more confidence?

To get past my self consciousness?

3wliya_maryam

I'm only pretty if I have enough likes

I'm not so pretty if I only have five 

 

I'm only popular if I have many friends 

I'm only special if I start to follow these trends

 

I only get noticed with makeup

Without it I'm no longer recognised

 

You need that flat stomach and those fine curves 

So you choose to put yourself  through that pain you don't deserve

Starving yourself till your rib cages begin to show

You want to be like the rest, because your self esteem is so low

 

Society is committing a crime

With how they define beauty

Girls can no longer be themselves

'Cause they fear society's judgements.

 

Society made you forget your true beauty 

That lies beneath all those flaws.

 

"And you don't have to change a thing the world can change its heart" ~ Alessia Cara

3wliya_maryam

Please let me help you 

Let me help you get this through 

We share the same blood

And I want you to be loved

 

Look I know that you're depressed

And I know that you're in distress

 

But I wish you could open up

Instead of always shutting up

You choose to conceal yourself 

And I still don't know why 

sometimes I hate myself 

For even having to try 

To make you fess up 

 

I know you don't want my help 

Maybe I do suck at giving advice 

But why should I leave you to silently yelp

When I'm here for you, but you're just like ice

 

I am always contemplating

And always wondering

Whether I've done more than enough 

 

I want to be there for you

But you keep pushing me away

So I chose to do the same

 

Please let me help you 

Let me help you get this through

We share the same blood

And I want you to be loved.

3wliya_maryam

When I'm in pain you say it won't last

But I see you still paining about the past

 

When I'm in tears you tell me to keep smiling

But I still see you curled up in the corner crying

 

You tell everyone it'll be alright 

But the space around you is tight 

 

You tell everyone you're fine

But I already know that's a lie

 

It's never that easy to let go 

That strong feeling of betrayal

But one day they'll know 

Just how much they left you in denial .

 

"It's never easy to walk away, let it go

Nothing heals the past like time" ~ Dean Lewis

3wliya_maryam

its not a curse

You say it was a curse
'Cause I became worse
You say I am being punished
'Cause I caused my old self to be diminished

You say I am beginning to deteriorate
As time passes by
I don't know how much longer I can wait
As I sit there and cry
Staring at the blank wall
Hoping for a miracle

You say it was a curse
But I believe it was a test
You say I became worse
But I am trying my best
To return to where I was.

3wliya_maryam

She's been through hell
But everytime she fell
She got back up and praised the Lord
For she made it through that narrow ford

Instead of sleeping
She kept on weeping
Instead of dreaming
She kept on thinking

Too many thoughts right now
That's keeping her up tonight
She can't seem to break this fight
A fight of clashing thoughts

She got caught in an accident
Yet she still thanked Him
'Cause she knew that not everyone's lucky
He chose to put her through a calamity
Out of his sincere love and mercy

So she refuses to question herself 
Why she faces such calamities 
'Cause she already knows the answer

Everything happens for a reason through His will

She's been through hell
But everytime she fell
She got back up and praised the Lord
For she made it through that narrow ford.

3wliya_maryam

couldnt control it

I  would give way to the guilt
That let those trapped thoughts and emotions get built
Awake all night, contemplating whether I was a bad person
And this only made my condition worsen

Couldn't tell anyone what I was going through
And even if I did, I felt like there was nothing they could do

Compulsive and uncontrollable
It felt so unavoidable

Trapped inside my own hole, not willing to escape

Something just kept pulling me back,

Why couldn't I control it, was it that powerful?

That would leave me with visible marks the next day
Some questioned it, but it didn't bother me anyway

'Cuz they ended up believing my excuses

It was the same thoughts on repeat
Like a rewind tape that I couldn't delete.

3wliya_maryam


A delicate young flower
With great spiritual power

A soul that descended from heaven
And took some of its pure fragrance

She brightened the whole city with her illuminance
Her modesty and piety shone through its radiance

She was indeed the greatest of the four 
And God was the only one she spent time for
Consistent in her prayers and faith 
No woman could ever beat her status

Without her existence there would've been no pure progeny
To carry her father's word to all mankind

She suffered with immense pain 
After the loss of her beloved father 
Not only she was faced with disdain 
For trying to claim her right
But she had to face the cruelty and injustice
she had to face the torture and the flames
Causing her to lose a small delicate soul

The love of her life
Couldn't bear to see those wounds 
grief stricken to see his beloved wife
Buried with those scars 

She was a flower nipped in a bud 
That fell from heaven and went back
But her fragrance was still left in her lover's mind

Peace be upon you, ya Fatima al Zahra (عليه السلام)

سلام الله عليكي يا فاطمة الزهراء، يا بنت المعصومة❤️

3wliya_maryam

He was Islam's backbone
His wisdom and bravery was widely known

None of them could beat his intelligence
And for that they called him the peak of eloquence
It was his powerful words that continued to guide mankind
To be fair, honest, loving and kind

He stood by his cousin's side like a shield 
Everytime they had a mission
And had to face opposition 
It was he who gained them victory
In the greatest battles of history

The first man to submit his will to God
The first man to pray behind the Chosen One
The only being to be born in God's house
The only being who was fit for leadership

Slayed the strongest enemies with one strike of his sword
It was never done in arrogance, but for the sake of the Lord
Never wanted to take over the authority
Even though it was meant for him and his hereditary 
For he was neither greedy nor selfish 
He didn't want the name of Islam to perish

He continued saving God and His Messenger's message
Despite being surrounded by immense pain and wreckage 
He never stopped preaching honesty
Of the Holy Book and the Holy Progeny

He was indeed the backbone of Islam
The true light to civilization of Islam

peace be upon you, commander of the faithful, Imam Ali (عليه السلام)

3wliya_maryam

mood swings

Some days feel low and some days feel high

some days I find joy and some days I just cry

its a mixture of heightened emotions that I can’t even describe

some days feel tough and some days feel like a breeze

some days I find comfort and some days I can’t find ease

its a mixture of heightened emotions I can’t even describe

 

lost and trapped in this loophole

don’t know when I'll get it under control

3wliya_maryam

changes

Thought I was never going to change
Now thinking about it just feels strange
'Cause I never used to see it coming
I saw myself changing and chose to ignore it

It was for the good but mostly for the bad
Even after I realised, I was neither happy nor sad
I became nicer but less faithful 
Maybe I should've been more careful

The things I told myself I was never going to do 
Now I do them like it's not so bad
I know I didn't completely change to the worst 
But I know my level in faith decreased

Maybe I just wanted to fit in 
And experience it all
Maybe I felt like I was restricting myself too much 

I do not know when I'll climb back 
When I'll return back to my original phase
Where I was so dedicated to my faith.
No matter what obstacle would try and deceive me.

Never thought I was going to change
Now thinking about it just feels strange
'Cause I never used to see it coming
I saw myself changing and chose to ignore it.

3wliya_maryam

overthinking

Overthinking is everybody's greatest weakness

Did I say or do something wrong?
What does that person think of me?
Does he/she hate me?
Is it really my fault ?
Did I make a good or bad impression?
Was I exaggerating?
Was I being a hypocrite?

Maybe I shouldn't have said that
I shouldn't have made that person think of me that way
Why does he/she hate me?
I know that it was my fault
I know I made a bad impression
I know I was over exaggerating 
I know I was being a hypocrite

Overthinking is like smashing your head against a wall
You keep smashing your head, knowing that nothing's gonna change
No matter how much you think of that situation 

Everything will stay the same.

3wliya_maryam

silent pain

Such hard things in life that you can't even cope 
But with God by your side, you can't just lose hope

All that pain keeping you up tonight 
You just gotta keep reminding yourself that it's alright

For that silent growing pain is only temporary.
Strengthening our faith and pushing away the guilt that wasn't even necessary.

3wliya_maryam

restricted

No doubt I know youse love me
And all these restrictions are there to protect me
But for how long does it have to be this way
How long do I have to pretend that I'm okay

You try hard to guilt trip me
Even though I didn't completely change to the worst
You'd still assume that I lost all my faith
Yet little do you know I pray for you almost everyday

Sometimes I think I'm a little too selfish
To be thinking this way, some are too unfortunate
Instead of complaining I should realize that I'm fortunate
For my life is filled with blessings others wish to have

Forgive me, I have given them a hard time
All I ever wanted them was to understand
They'd make it seem like I'm committing a crime
With their guilt tripping words that I can no longer stand.

3wliya_maryam

Why am I always agitated

To the point where I'm just irritated

At every small thing that comes my way

I throw a tantrum not realising what I say

Sometimes I reassure myself

It's okay, your human, you can control yourself

But everytime I try, its only temporary

And I try to push away the guilt that I carry

No matter how many times you fall

Keep breaking through that strong immense wall

Even if you still haven't been able to and you just wanna stop

Be proud that you still didn't drop

That you still haven't given up.

3wliya_maryam

There will be ease

Don't you ever wish that you could rewind

And remove all those bad memories that were left behind

But then God tells us to learn and move forward

Thinking about the past will just make us fall downwards

He has promised twice that there would be ease 

So make a difference and just let those thoughts cease

Later in life they'll be deep regret

For all that wasted time you could never get

You could've spent that precious time valuably 

But instead you decided to waste it worthlessly

So shed less tears and continue to smile

For your sorrow and hardships will only last a while

 

 

 

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