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5 hours ago, Amira00 said:

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. He obviously thinks he can get away with behaving in any which way and not have to face any consequences even though you are very hurt by his actions. In my opinion, let him know how you're feeling, tell him this is a serious issue. Even if he married a woman so technically the relationship isn't haram, I'm pretty sure the first wife must agree for her husband to marry again. So it is cheating. Also, you probably got into this marriage with the agreement that you'd be his only wife, unless you agreed otherwise. If he still disregards you then think about getting your parents or a trusted family member involved. I hope things get better for you. 

Thank you for your kind words. That is exactly what he feels that he can get away with mistreating me. Since I have no family here to support me, he is more powerful.

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3 hours ago, forte said:

This is currently not a good marriage and it does not seem to be headed for a bright future.

Focusing on whether he has other wives or is allowed to have wives, etc, is not addressing what is really going on here.  It is just a distraction.  

You are not being treated as a wife.  You are being disrespected and hurt and told that your unhappiness is not worthy of addressing (biggest red flag).  You are emotionally and verbally abused, his parents don't like you and it seems your husband doesn't either.  Your husband does not appear to be concerned about the deterioration of your marriage. He is actively avoiding addressing these issues. Marriages are not one sided. Apparently, as he has a life that meets his needs outside of his marriage to you, he is fine and has no incentive to change things. However, it is his responsibility to care for your well being, and he is not.

What are the positives in your marriage? Are your needs being met in any way?  Can you focus on the strengths of your marriage to help you through this situation?

You say you are working.   Keep and save your salary.  It is your right and he cannot deny you this.  Could you be self supporting if needed?

 Is your family supportive?  Do they know of the situation?

It is important to recognize that you have options. It lessens the fear of assertively addressing the issues with him. Let him know that you will not be ignored.

THANK YOU!! You nailed my situation to the T. I never thought that because his needs are met outside of this marriage, I am just a housemaid for him who cooks, cleans and does everything for him and he can treat me whichever way he pleases.

Truthfully speaking, there is no positives in my marriage. Its just constant blames and arguments and in the end its all my fault for thinking about them and voicing them.

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On 3/21/2018 at 1:50 PM, Ron_Burgundy said:
bismillah.gif
وَلَنْ تَسْتَطِيعُوا أَنْ تَعْدِلُوا بَيْنَ النِّسَاءِ وَلَوْ حَرَصْتُمْ ۖ فَلَا تَمِيلُوا كُلَّ الْمَيْلِ فَتَذَرُوهَا كَالْمُعَلَّقَةِ ۚ وَإِنْ تُصْلِحُوا وَتَتَّقُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ غَفُورًا رَحِيمًا {129}

[Shakir 4:129] And you have it not in your power to do justice between wives, even though you may wish (it), but be not disinclined (from one) with total disinclination, so that you leave her as it were in suspense; and if you effect a reconciliation and guard (against evil), then surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
[Pooya/Ali Commentary 4:129]

Refer to the commentary of verse 3 of this surah.

Howsoever one may try one will never be able to treat one's wives equally to fulfil the demands of justice, but one can at least avoid inclination to any wife exclusively so that the others may not be left suspended. One may not be able to observe perfect equality among one's wives in respect of love and attachment, yet one is not, on that account, by any means warranted in showing voluntary favours exclusively to any wife to the utter neglect of the others. The lives of the Holy Prophet and his Ahl ul Bayt are a model, in this connection, to all Muslims. They did not even perform ablution in the house of the wife whose "turn" was terminated. In all events ihsan and taqwa are the best means to effect reconciliation and harmony.

If only he realized that. But a person who doesnt want to admit that there is a problem wont look for a solution. And since he has a maid at home and a mistress outside, his life is set. 

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2 minutes ago, mz*questions said:

If only he realized that. But a person who doesnt want to admit that there is a problem wont look for a solution. And since he has a maid at home and a mistress outside, his life is set. 

Did you talk to your parents?

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15 minutes ago, mz*questions said:

Thank you for your kind words. That is exactly what he feels that he can get away with mistreating me. Since I have no family here to support me, he is more powerful.

Do you have any trustworthy friends around you?Even though your family live away you still can get their support, maybe invite your mother over, see what she thinks before you get your entire families involved? 

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25 minutes ago, Amira00 said:

Do you have any trustworthy friends around you?Even though your family live away you still can get their support, maybe invite your mother over, see what she thinks before you get your entire families involved? 

Yes I do have a group of very close friends who are more family to me than he has ever been!

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7 minutes ago, mz*questions said:

Will I be sinning if I leave him because of his mistreatment?

Look I would say talk to your husband if he accept his mistake give and say he won't do it again give him second chance. 

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On 3/21/2018 at 1:50 PM, Ron_Burgundy said:
bismillah.gif
وَلَنْ تَسْتَطِيعُوا أَنْ تَعْدِلُوا بَيْنَ النِّسَاءِ وَلَوْ حَرَصْتُمْ ۖ فَلَا تَمِيلُوا كُلَّ الْمَيْلِ فَتَذَرُوهَا كَالْمُعَلَّقَةِ ۚ وَإِنْ تُصْلِحُوا وَتَتَّقُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ غَفُورًا رَحِيمًا {129}

[Shakir 4:129] And you have it not in your power to do justice between wives, even though you may wish (it), but be not disinclined (from one) with total disinclination, so that you leave her as it were in suspense; and if you effect a reconciliation and guard (against evil), then surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
[Pooya/Ali Commentary 4:129]

Refer to the commentary of verse 3 of this surah.

Howsoever one may try one will never be able to treat one's wives equally to fulfil the demands of justice, but one can at least avoid inclination to any wife exclusively so that the others may not be left suspended. One may not be able to observe perfect equality among one's wives in respect of love and attachment, yet one is not, on that account, by any means warranted in showing voluntary favours exclusively to any wife to the utter neglect of the others. The lives of the Holy Prophet and his Ahl ul Bayt are a model, in this connection, to all Muslims. They did not even perform ablution in the house of the wife whose "turn" was terminated. In all events ihsan and taqwa are the best means to effect reconciliation and harmony.

Will I be sinning if I leave him due to his mistreatment?

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20 minutes ago, mz*questions said:

Will I be sinning if I leave him because of his mistreatment?

If you were my sister or daughter, i would encourage you to leave a marriage like this. I may even pay an abusive husband a visit and set things straight. Some things couples can talk it out, and talk it through. This however, is something else entirely.  Find out what Shariah Law says about this, and if you feel nothing will change even after dialogue and discussion, then leave.  If you don't have kids, then your decision is easy. I can't sit here and advocate staying with someone like this when i know that i would be convincing my own sister or daughter (if i had them) not to let themselves live like this. Being verbally, mentally and emotionally abused is as bad as being physically abused. Being cheated on is horrific, and having it be this continuous is also terrible.  A lot of women tend to write it in their marriage contracts that their husband is not allowed to take a second wife. So in the event he does, then that's Adultery.  

However, check what your rights are for divorce.  I normally advocate therapy, discussion, dialogue, but men like this rarely change.

Edited by Intellectual Resistance

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15 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

Look I would say talk to your husband if he accept his mistake give and say he won't do it again give him second chance. 

He's been cheating on her for a long time, texting and inappropriately talking to other women for a while. In my rule-book barring exceptional circumstances , and i mean incredibly exceptional ones, behaviour like this merits divorce. He's had a first, second third, fourth and fifth chance. The only thing i fear is if he turns violent if she does try to divorce this man.  It's important to have a group behind you in the form of family and have your safety and protection sorted. 

Thankfully she is living in the west, and not the jungle that can be in some other countries where women are left to hang and dry. 

Edited by Intellectual Resistance

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33 minutes ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

He's been cheating on her for a long time, texting and inappropriately talking to other women for a while. In my rule-book barring exceptional circumstances , and i mean incredibly exceptional ones, behaviour like this merits divorce. He's had a first, second third, fourth and fifth chance. The only thing i fear is if he turns violent if she does try to divorce this man.  It's important to have a group behind you in the form of family and have your safety and protection sorted. 

Thankfully she is living in the west, and not the jungle that can be in some other countries where women are left to hang and dry. 

she is in west and nothing could stop her 1 call to authorities and he is done. 

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37 minutes ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

He's been cheating on her for a long time, texting and inappropriately talking to other women for a while. In my rule-book barring exceptional circumstances , and i mean incredibly exceptional ones, behaviour like this merits divorce. He's had a first, second third, fourth and fifth chance. The only thing i fear is if he turns violent if she does try to divorce this man.  It's important to have a group behind you in the form of family and have your safety and protection sorted. 

Thankfully she is living in the west, and not the jungle that can be in some other countries where women are left to hang and dry. 

Good reminder.  

OP - I agree with the above underlined statement.  It is important to find out who would be there for you if needed.  Of people you know, find out who are trustworthy and who will actually be there for you.  If you don't have anyone, look around in your work place or casual relationships to develop potential friendships. This is always a good idea, but if you do not have family nearby, this is a must.

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On 3/21/2018 at 11:38 AM, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Divorce is not a sin in Islam. It is just the least liked halal action.

I would also like to add to that most likely this can be solved without divorce. If you are kind yet firm and do this 'confrontation' in a way that preserves his dignity, he will most likely change. Men dislike getting divorced, probably more than women do. 

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18 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

I would also like to add to that most likely this can be solved without divorce. If you are kind yet firm and do this 'confrontation' in a way that preserves his dignity, he will most likely change. Men dislike getting divorced, probably more than women do. 

I had been understanding, supporting, angry and now I am downright hurt with everything that has happened. Since he already has someone else in his life, he wont mind the divorce. Instead, he'll be looking forward to it so he can be with his'one true love'. If he didnt want to get divorced then he wouldnt have taken this marriage as a joke and used me as his punching bag.

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20 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

If you were my sister or daughter, i would encourage you to leave a marriage like this. I may even pay an abusive husband a visit and set things straight. Some things couples can talk it out, and talk it through. This however, is something else entirely.  Find out what Shariah Law says about this, and if you feel nothing will change even after dialogue and discussion, then leave.  If you don't have kids, then your decision is easy. I can't sit here and advocate staying with someone like this when i know that i would be convincing my own sister or daughter (if i had them) not to let themselves live like this. Being verbally, mentally and emotionally abused is as bad as being physically abused. Being cheated on is horrific, and having it be this continuous is also terrible.  A lot of women tend to write it in their marriage contracts that their husband is not allowed to take a second wife. So in the event he does, then that's Adultery.  

However, check what your rights are for divorce.  I normally advocate therapy, discussion, dialogue, but men like this rarely change.

The thing that hurts the most is that even after doing everything for this man, he still couldnt appreciate me. I changed my whole life to accommodate him and his likings but he never did anything for me and instead he goes out with another woman.

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20 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

He's been cheating on her for a long time, texting and inappropriately talking to other women for a while. In my rule-book barring exceptional circumstances , and i mean incredibly exceptional ones, behaviour like this merits divorce. He's had a first, second third, fourth and fifth chance. The only thing i fear is if he turns violent if she does try to divorce this man.  It's important to have a group behind you in the form of family and have your safety and protection sorted. 

Thankfully she is living in the west, and not the jungle that can be in some other countries where women are left to hang and dry. 

I gave him many chances and thats why he could run all over me. If I would have been firm with him the 1st time he did it, he wouldnt have repeated it again.

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Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

I am really sorry to hear about your plight.  I highly recommend seeking marriage counseling first.  Keep your head up, God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. 

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On 3/19/2018 at 7:15 PM, bigboi said:

im no scholar or so, nor do i have alot of religious knowledge.

But i do know that a man can marry more than 1 wife, so how did he cheat?

Well even if it's not cheating (which I do think this is), he's keeping it a secret, which is bad

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