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Salaam Alaykum,

I have a very bad feeling that my husband has either done Mutah with another woman or is cheating on me.

Our background, we live in a Western country so I understand interacting with a na-maharam is unavoidable. But when at work, he keeps talking and interacting with just women! He has blurted out that he talked inappropriate things with the opposite sex. When I called him out on it, he said well we live in the Western world so we have to be like them! Whenever she would go out for a smoke, he would go out with her even though he doesnt smoke. They would have lunch together. When he moved office, they would email each other every day for 8 hours. I even have a feeling that they talk from home when I am not with him. He once said 'Oh you dress up like ....' while I had been wearing that outfit for over a year. But he didnt mention it at that time but once he saw the friend wearing it, he noticed me too.

The icing on the cake came when he came home to me with a lovebite on his chest. When I confronted him about it, he told me I did it. I also believe he brings someone to our home when I am not there. When I ask him, he tells me I am crazy and need to see a psychiatric.

He does not help me with any household chores. The only thing he does is take his plate from the table and put it in the sink. He would help me carry some things when I ask him.

He hasnt physically abused me but he has abused me verbally, mentally and physiologically for the past 5 years. His parents dont like me and he takes their side. They encourage him and he just rolls with that.

He is a practicing Muslim and prays 5 times a day. He tells me that he knows how much I do for him and now much he appreciates me and he tells me I know I will be doing zulm on you if I do that. But then where did the lovebite come from?????

I am so confused and torn right now. I dont know if I should leave or stay.

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On 3/19/2018 at 7:15 PM, bigboi said:

im no scholar or so, nor do i have alot of religious knowledge.

But i do know that a man can marry more than 1 wife, so how did he cheat?

Why there is always the answer MAN CAN MARRY 4..rather than talking on his mistakes or path of dishonesty (if he is doing)

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2 hours ago, Be Human First said:

Why there is always the answer MAN CAN MARRY 4..rather than talking on his mistakes or path of dishonesty (if he is doing)

because she said cheating. So my question is how is, how does a muslim man cheat on his wife? is there anything such as cheating in islam?

also if he does mutah, where is the dishonesty? if he has permission from Allah why say its dishonesty.

there are many reason to get more than 1 wife, and i'm not going to mention them here. There are also many reason to not get married to more than 1 wife. But it's still halal to marry more than 1, correct me if i am wrong.

Also i wouldn't advice taking council from a public forum on such a serious matter. Anybody can answer your questions to whatever his/her liking is, whether it's for your best interest or not, and whether it's the correct islamic decision or not.

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On 3/19/2018 at 11:09 PM, bigboi said:

because she said cheating. So my question is how is, how does a muslim man cheat on his wife? is there anything such as cheating in islam?

also if he does mutah, where is the dishonesty? if he has permission from Allah why say its dishonesty.

there are many reason to get more than 1 wife, and i'm not going to mention them here. There are also many reason to not get married to more than 1 wife. But it's still halal to marry more than 1, correct me if i am wrong.

Also i wouldn't advice taking council from a public forum on such a serious matter. Anybody can answer your questions to whatever his/her liking is, whether it's for your best interest or not, and whether it's the correct islamic decision or not.

Because there's no proof that he didn't have these supposed relations - if he had any - via marriage. Secondly, even if he may marry a second time without his wife's permission, that doesn't absolve him from lying. If your wife asks you whether you have a second wife, you're supposed to tell her the truth; otherwise, it's lying, which is also a sin.

On 3/19/2018 at 1:48 PM, mz*questions said:

...

Unfortunately, this isn't really the kind of thing total strangers on the internet can effectively help you with. This is best discussed with your husband and close family friends, who have a better grasp of the situation than we might have.

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I hate people when they use others, It's pathetic, like don't you have a heart as well that can be torn? You should not worry that much, if that is true, believe me what comes around go around, soon or later it will hit him when you leave him. Some people abuse the fact that others take care of them, and becomes blind with time, it is called being spoiled brat. Then people ask me why don't you want to get married... This is why, majority of people just care of themselves, selfish and arrogant. It makes me insane. People start caring about the apperance, and such and stopped to look at what is in the heart of people. Wait, I am getting personal, sorry.

Let's continue, If you want my advice, then you should remember divorce is the worst halal thing you can do, don't give up... But then again, if you can't take it, I am not the one who will tell you what you should do, cause you are probably independent. Then again It is up to you if you want to stay with him if that rumor is true. The sign that he talks to women and enjoys it is kind of... crap. Marriage exists to prevent you to not sin with other women, what is his problem! 

Have you talked about it to your family? You should consider it, cause life is tough by your own, try to get help near you. we can send a whole book explaining, and trying to help you, but we can never help you emotionally, cause closeness is a good thing as well. Hope things will end up well.

Stop worrying when the brightest of stars shines the most in the dark. 

Stay strong, don't let him get to you. 

Allah is the best helper and provider.

Much love from this absurd guy!

Edited by Hamodiii

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17 hours ago, mz*questions said:

He hasnt physically abused me but he has abused me verbally, mentally and physiologically for the past 5 years. His parents dont like me and he takes their side. They encourage him and he just rolls with that.

He is a practicing Muslim and prays 5 times a day. He tells me that he knows how much I do for him and now much he appreciates me and he tells me I know I will be doing zulm on you if I do that. But then where did the lovebite come from?????

I am so confused and torn right now. I dont know if I should leave or stay.

He cannot disrespect his parents in any way. You should keep that in mind that he has to obey them & respect them.

Do you love him? If yes, why? 
How many kids you have? 

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9 hours ago, bigboi said:

because she said cheating. So my question is how is, how does a muslim man cheat on his wife? is there anything such as cheating in islam?

If he i hiding he is cheating, and can he do justice between them? 

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19 hours ago, mz*questions said:

Salaam Alaykum,

I have a very bad feeling that my husband has either done Mutah with another woman or is cheating on me.

Our background, we live in a Western country so I understand interacting with a na-maharam is unavoidable. But when at work, he keeps talking and interacting with just women! He has blurted out that he talked inappropriate things with the opposite sex. When I called him out on it, he said well we live in the Western world so we have to be like them! Whenever she would go out for a smoke, he would go out with her even though he doesnt smoke. They would have lunch together. When he moved office, they would email each other every day for 8 hours. I even have a feeling that they talk from home when I am not with him. He once said 'Oh you dress up like ....' while I had been wearing that outfit for over a year. But he didnt mention it at that time but once he saw the friend wearing it, he noticed me too.

The icing on the cake came when he came home to me with a lovebite on his chest. When I confronted him about it, he told me I did it. I also believe he brings someone to our home when I am not there. When I ask him, he tells me I am crazy and need to see a psychiatric.

He does not help me with any household chores. The only thing he does is take his plate from the table and put it in the sink. He would help me carry some things when I ask him.

He hasnt physically abused me but he has abused me verbally, mentally and physiologically for the past 5 years. His parents dont like me and he takes their side. They encourage him and he just rolls with that.

He is a practicing Muslim and prays 5 times a day. He tells me that he knows how much I do for him and now much he appreciates me and he tells me I know I will be doing zulm on you if I do that. But then where did the lovebite come from?????

I am so confused and torn right now. I dont know if I should leave or stay.

I am so sorry for you, but i think you should involve your family and mulana. 

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.

3 hours ago, Khadim uz Zahra said:

Because there's no proof that he didn't have these supposed relations - if he had any - via marriage. Secondly, even if he may marry a second time without his wife's permission, that doesn't absolve him from lying. If your wife asks you whether you have a second wife, you're supposed to tell her the truth; otherwise, it's lying, which is also a sin.

>>>>>>Unfortunately, this isn't really the kind of thing total strangers on the internet can effectively help you with. This is best discussed with your husband and close family friends, who have a better grasp of the situation than we might have.

See your imam at mosque, first. There are reasons to do this besides my next comment on this:

43 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

I am so sorry for you, but i think you should involve your family ... 

That is the last thing to do !

At a minimum you will start inter-family hostilities.

Edited by hasanhh

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13 hours ago, Nitidum said:

How long have you been married? Do you have kids together? Do you work? Are you sure about those things you noticed or are you willing to give him a benefit of doubt?

We've been married for almost 5 years now. No kids. Yes I work full time. I used to believe him 100% because he always used to say he will never do zulm on me by going out with another woman. But if thats the case then where did he get the lovebite from?

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14 hours ago, Be Human First said:

Why there is always the answer MAN CAN MARRY 4..rather than talking on his mistakes or path of dishonesty (if he is doing)

Unfortunately that's the society we live in

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5 hours ago, Hamodiii said:

I hate people when they use others, It's pathetic, like don't you have a heart as well that can be torn? You should not worry that much, if that is true, believe me what comes around go around, soon or later it will hit him when you leave him. Some people abuse the fact that others take care of them, and becomes blind with time, it is called being spoiled brat. Then people ask me why don't you want to get married... This is why, majority of people just care of themselves, selfish and arrogant. It makes me insane. People start caring about the apperance, and such and stopped to look at what is in the heart of people. Wait, I am getting personal, sorry.

Let's continue, If you want my advice, then you should remember divorce is the worst halal thing you can do, don't give up... But then again, if you can't take it, I am not the one who will tell you what you should do, cause you are probably independent. Then again It is up to you if you want to stay with him if that rumor is true. The sign that he talks to women and enjoys it is kind of... crap. Marriage exists to prevent you to not sin with other women, what is his problem! 

Have you talked about it to your family? You should consider it, cause life is tough by your own, try to get help near you. we can send a whole book explaining, and trying to help you, but we can never help you emotionally, cause closeness is a good thing as well. Hope things will end up well.

Stop worrying when the brightest of stars shines the most in the dark. 

Stay strong, don't let him get to you. 

Allah is the best helper and provider.

Much love from this absurd guy!

Thank you for your kind words. I know divorce is the last option and that is why I am so torn. I dont want to sin by doing it but then I dont think I will be able to accept it if he really has done that. His verbal abuse, I used to take it as I know no human is perfect and thats the hand I was dealt with. But everything is starting to drain me now. His constant negativity of me and the tortures. He looks at other women right infront of me and when I call him out on it, he gets angry on me.

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4 hours ago, Salsabeel said:

He cannot disrespect his parents in any way. You should keep that in mind that he has to obey them & respect them.

Do you love him? If yes, why? 
How many kids you have? 

I didnt ask or expect him to disrespect his parents in any way but when his parents encourage him to go on the wrong path and abuse me then I do have a problem.

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I am so sorry that you are going through this! I don't know if you would like my opinion, but I am a non-Muslim from the western world and what you have described is not acceptable in my eyes. The argument that you have to be a certain way (less religious) because you live in Western country is opposite of why these countries have certain freedoms. You should be free to express your religion, not conforming to the way people around you are acting. Yes, if he works with women, he will have to talk with women and be polite and professional with them. He might even eat lunch with his co-workers as a group. However, depending on his job, he does not need to be alone with them to take extra breaks to be with them to be accepted in western culture. Emailing someone more than just a simple "How are you?" after you move is not normal. This does not sound professional. 

From what you are describing, it sounds like you don't feel like he is caring for you. I don't know how you want to handle this, but I would suggest finding a trusted person who can come and talk to you both- counselor, religious leader, trusted friend. If he tells you to see a counselor for you "craziness" maybe you can try to go together. 

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2 hours ago, mh7493 said:

I am so sorry that you are going through this! I don't know if you would like my opinion, but I am a non-Muslim from the western world and what you have described is not acceptable in my eyes. The argument that you have to be a certain way (less religious) because you live in Western country is opposite of why these countries have certain freedoms. You should be free to express your religion, not conforming to the way people around you are acting. Yes, if he works with women, he will have to talk with women and be polite and professional with them. He might even eat lunch with his co-workers as a group. However, depending on his job, he does not need to be alone with them to take extra breaks to be with them to be accepted in western culture. Emailing someone more than just a simple "How are you?" after you move is not normal. This does not sound professional. 

From what you are describing, it sounds like you don't feel like he is caring for you. I don't know how you want to handle this, but I would suggest finding a trusted person who can come and talk to you both- counselor, religious leader, trusted friend. If he tells you to see a counselor for you "craziness" maybe you can try to go together. 

Thank you so very much for your insight in this matter especially coming from a non Muslim.

What you said about interacting with females and having a group lunch - I totally agree with that. I too work with male colleagues and we joke and talk at the office. In my office, I have never seen anyone go out with a smoker on their break just so they can be together and that is why I have an issue.

Emailing someone with a "How are you' - I totally agree! But emailing someone that you do not work with anymore for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week - I have a major problem. 

You are right when you say I feel he doesnt care for me. In these 5 years, he has never even tried to be romantic. I have to care for something that is important to him but if he doesnt for something that is important to me then I am making a big deal about it.

According to him, this marriage doesnt need fixing. He is perfect in the way he acts, treats and talks to me and everything else is just me making it up.

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20 hours ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

If he i hiding he is cheating, and can he do justice between them? 

why is hiding it cheating? and there has been alot of talks about "justice between the wives", do you know what justice means in this matter? and do you know what Quran says about that?

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15 hours ago, mz*questions said:

You are right when you say I feel he doesnt care for me. In these 5 years, he has never even tried to be romantic.

According to him, this marriage doesnt need fixing. He is perfect in the way he acts, treats and talks to me and everything else is just me making it up.

Wow, I feel heartbroken for you. What do you think you will do next? Does your family know how you feel? Do they know how to talk to him about this? 

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16 hours ago, mz*questions said:

Thank you so very much for your insight in this matter especially coming from a non Muslim.

What you said about interacting with females and having a group lunch - I totally agree with that. I too work with male colleagues and we joke and talk at the office. In my office, I have never seen anyone go out with a smoker on their break just so they can be together and that is why I have an issue.

Emailing someone with a "How are you' - I totally agree! But emailing someone that you do not work with anymore for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week - I have a major problem. 

You are right when you say I feel he doesnt care for me. In these 5 years, he has never even tried to be romantic. I have to care for something that is important to him but if he doesnt for something that is important to me then I am making a big deal about it.

According to him, this marriage doesnt need fixing. He is perfect in the way he acts, treats and talks to me and everything else is just me making it up.

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. He obviously thinks he can get away with behaving in any which way and not have to face any consequences even though you are very hurt by his actions. In my opinion, let him know how you're feeling, tell him this is a serious issue. Even if he married a woman so technically the relationship isn't haram, I'm pretty sure the first wife must agree for her husband to marry again. So it is cheating. Also, you probably got into this marriage with the agreement that you'd be his only wife, unless you agreed otherwise. If he still disregards you then think about getting your parents or a trusted family member involved. I hope things get better for you. 

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On 3/20/2018 at 3:20 PM, mz*questions said:

Thank you so very much for your insight in this matter especially coming from a non Muslim.

What you said about interacting with females and having a group lunch - I totally agree with that. I too work with male colleagues and we joke and talk at the office. In my office, I have never seen anyone go out with a smoker on their break just so they can be together and that is why I have an issue.

Emailing someone with a "How are you' - I totally agree! But emailing someone that you do not work with anymore for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week - I have a major problem. 

You are right when you say I feel he doesnt care for me. In these 5 years, he has never even tried to be romantic. I have to care for something that is important to him but if he doesnt for something that is important to me then I am making a big deal about it.

According to him, this marriage doesnt need fixing. He is perfect in the way he acts, treats and talks to me and everything else is just me making it up.

Whatever he is doing or not doing, he owes it to you to be honest with you. Although a man is allowed to marry more than one wife, he is not allowed to be deceitful and disrespectful toward his wife(s) and not allowed to abuse them. You should ask him in a respectful but straightforward way, are you violating the Islamic rules when it comes to non mahram with this lady (i.e. are you talking to her in a way only husband and wife talk, do you have physical contact with her(skin to skin), are you ever in a closed room with her where noone else can see you). If, as you say, he is muslim and prays five times a day, i.e. follows the Sharia when it comes to Salat, then he should follow the Sharia in all aspects, including Sharia regarding relationships with non mahram. The Sharia doesn't change based on latitude and longitute (i.e. his argument that he lives in the West so we have to be like them). 

If he is willing to marry this other women, then you have to be ready for that to, although I know that is difficult for you to accept. If you are going to make an argument based on Sharia, you can't pick and choose which Sharia you are going to use. You either use it as the basis for the discussion or don't.  If you go into this issue with him, you have to be willing to see it thru to the end, otherwise don't go into it. One of the big mistakes that most wives do is that they use these issues to harass their husbands (as payback for their hurt feelings). But simply harassing them will not accomplish anything, and eventually will lead them to not respect you. Salam. 

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On 2018-03-19 at 10:48 AM, mz*questions said:

I am so confused and torn right now. I dont know if I should leave or stay.

This is currently not a good marriage and it does not seem to be headed for a bright future.

Focusing on whether he has other wives or is allowed to have wives, etc, is not addressing what is really going on here.  It is just a distraction.  

You are not being treated as a wife.  You are being disrespected and hurt and told that your unhappiness is not worthy of addressing (biggest red flag).  You are emotionally and verbally abused, his parents don't like you and it seems your husband doesn't either.  Your husband does not appear to be concerned about the deterioration of your marriage. He is actively avoiding addressing these issues. Marriages are not one sided. Apparently, as he has a life that meets his needs outside of his marriage to you, he is fine and has no incentive to change things. However, it is his responsibility to care for your well being, and he is not.

What are the positives in your marriage? Are your needs being met in any way?  Can you focus on the strengths of your marriage to help you through this situation?

You say you are working.   Keep and save your salary.  It is your right and he cannot deny you this.  Could you be self supporting if needed?

 Is your family supportive?  Do they know of the situation?

It is important to recognize that you have options. It lessens the fear of assertively addressing the issues with him. Let him know that you will not be ignored.

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On 3/21/2018 at 5:30 AM, bigboi said:

why is hiding it cheating? and there has been alot of talks about "justice between the wives", do you know what justice means in this matter? and do you know what Quran says about that?

bismillah.gif
وَلَنْ تَسْتَطِيعُوا أَنْ تَعْدِلُوا بَيْنَ النِّسَاءِ وَلَوْ حَرَصْتُمْ ۖ فَلَا تَمِيلُوا كُلَّ الْمَيْلِ فَتَذَرُوهَا كَالْمُعَلَّقَةِ ۚ وَإِنْ تُصْلِحُوا وَتَتَّقُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ غَفُورًا رَحِيمًا {129}

[Shakir 4:129] And you have it not in your power to do justice between wives, even though you may wish (it), but be not disinclined (from one) with total disinclination, so that you leave her as it were in suspense; and if you effect a reconciliation and guard (against evil), then surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
[Pooya/Ali Commentary 4:129]

Refer to the commentary of verse 3 of this surah.

Howsoever one may try one will never be able to treat one's wives equally to fulfil the demands of justice, but one can at least avoid inclination to any wife exclusively so that the others may not be left suspended. One may not be able to observe perfect equality among one's wives in respect of love and attachment, yet one is not, on that account, by any means warranted in showing voluntary favours exclusively to any wife to the utter neglect of the others. The lives of the Holy Prophet and his Ahl ul Bayt are a model, in this connection, to all Muslims. They did not even perform ablution in the house of the wife whose "turn" was terminated. In all events ihsan and taqwa are the best means to effect reconciliation and harmony.

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6 hours ago, mh7493 said:

Wow, I feel heartbroken for you. What do you think you will do next? Does your family know how you feel? Do they know how to talk to him about this? 

My family knows and they have tried talking to him politely but he just doesnt bother unfortunately

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