At Loss

[Islandsandmirrors 1,534]

I got into a huge fight with my mom. My sister was asking me to drive her somewhere, and I said no because I have to study for my math midterm, and then as I was working on my review packet, my mother told me to clean up. Obviously I said I wouldn’t because I had to study. So she called me lazy and this and that and took all my math papers and packet and threw them all in the trash.

This is my third math class I’ve attempted and it’s the only time I’m getting good grades and now with no math packet, how can I take the midterm? I’m so angry and upset. I can’t stop crying because I’ve tried so hard this semester. I’m even taking less classes just to focus on that Math class and pass it. Now I’m just so angry.

My Mom is also saying that she will ensure that my dad says no to my SO’s proposal for marriage and that I will go to hell and that God won’t forgive me because I’ve disobeyed her and that she’s not happy with me. 

[Intellectual Resistance 1,028]

That's ridiculously unacceptable, that i can't even write any legitimate advice, but i will say that you are right to be angry, and maybe this sort of abusive behaviour should fuel you into working hard so you can get through your education, get away from a toxic environment and gain your independence.

Now , if you can tell me what a 'Math Packet' is, and what it is you are studying, i can find you extremely good resources that will probably explain things much better. 

[Islandsandmirrors 1,534]

37 minutes ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

Now , if you can tell me what a 'Math Packet' is, and what it is you are studying, i can find you extremely good resources that will probably explain things much better. 

My math packet are questions my teacher (who created the course herself) made and it’s practical mathematics. Basically Math that Anyone would apply in the real world. 

37 minutes ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

hat's ridiculously unacceptable, that i can't even write any legitimate advice, but i will say that you are right to be angry, and maybe this sort of abusive behaviour should fuel you into working hard so you can get through your education, get away from a toxic environment and gain your independence.

I’m really trying to gain independence—it’s just this math class that has always held me back from achieving my goals. 

I want be independent as much as possible, but my family dynamics make it so difficult to break free. I don’t know what else to say. I feel disappointed in myself.

[Intellectual Resistance 1,028]

29 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

My math packet are questions my teacher (who created the course herself) made and it’s practical mathematics. Basically Math that Anyone would apply in the real world. 

I’m really trying to gain independence—it’s just this math class that has always held me back from achieving my goals. 

I want be independent as much as possible, but my family dynamics make it so difficult to break free. I don’t know what else to say. I feel disappointed in myself.

Do you know of any colleagues that could take a screenshot of the packets (assuming they are the same) and you might be able to just write the answers yourself? Or you could explain to her you've lost them via an email and ask if you could have another copy? When you get a copy of these things, just take pictures of them. But i don't blame you for not doing that because who on earth expects their mother throwing away important educational material.

[hasanhh 4,945]

30 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I want be independent as much as possible, but my family dynamics make it so difficult to break free. l can relate to this.

 I don’t know what else to say. I feel disappointed in myself. HUH?

You have no reason to feel disappointed in yourself !

[Gaius I. Caesar 5,846]

Whoa, I didn't expect  this at all, I am also at a loss for words. The best thing I can tel you is your mom has issues. I remember that she  hurt you badly that other time. You and Ahmad need a serious talk tonight.

20 minutes ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

Do you know of any colleagues that could take a screenshot of the packets (assuming they are the same) and you might be able to just write the answers yourself? Or you could explain to her you've lost them via an email and ask if you could have another copy? When you get a copy of these things, just take pictures of them. But i don't blame you for not doing that because who on earth expects their mother throwing away important educational material.

I wouldn't do that, sounds like cheating.

[Islandsandmirrors 1,534]

21 minutes ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

Do you know of any colleagues that could take a screenshot of the packets (assuming they are the same) and you might be able to just write the answers yourself? Or you could explain to her you've lost them via an email and ask if you could have another copy? When you get a copy of these things, just take pictures of them. But i don't blame you for not doing that because who on earth expects their mother throwing away important educational material.

I’m going to text a class mate and ask if she can take pics of them for me. I would ask the teacher for an extra copy, but the midterm itself is on the next class so there’s no time left. Pray for me that the student I’ll contact will answer.

[Islandsandmirrors 1,534]

2 minutes ago, hasanhh said:

You have no reason to feel disappointed in yourself !

I feel disappointed in myself because I feel like I’ve failed myself. 

[hasanhh 4,945]

1 minute ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I feel disappointed in myself because I feel like I’ve failed myself. 

"You only really "fail" on the Last Day".

Several years ago a girl l know, then in high school, was subverted and battered by her father --more than her other sisters. Then she went to college yet lived at home for obvious reasons. Situation continued. lt got so bad that my wife gave her a key to our house so she had some place to go. Once she came-in at 2 in the morning --limping. l told her then that she is "a smart girl and a tough girl".

She is now finishing with med school.

[hasanhh 4,945]

@Islandsandmirrors l forgot to note that it never got any better for her until last year. He got wheeledchaired by an accident at work. lt is still verbal stuff she hears.

[Islandsandmirrors 1,534]

Just now, hasanhh said:

@Islandsandmirrors l forgot to note that it never got any better for her until last year. He got wheeledchaired by an accident at work. lt is still verbal stuff she hears.

Verbal abuse is so hard and I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. It must have been such a heartbreaking time for her. She’s a very strong person. I hope to become strong like that one day.

[ali_fatheroforphans 2,513]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Your mother is clearly not treating you right. However try to understand that a lot of mothers are like that - they just don't understand the implications of their harsh and painful words. They often feel that they should do anything and everything without some sort of filter. Although I never have fights with my mum, she does often scold and abuse my little sister for not praying and dressing the way she wants her to dress.

However, realize that no mother genuinely hates her child. She might have a very wrong way of getting her point across but she is your mother after all. I'm sure she wants you to be happy and do that which pleases her.

Try not to build hatred for your mum in your heart (I know it might be very hard given what you experienced), but forgive her. Talk to her kindly, increase the number of hugs you give her (my sister's technique works lol), make her breakfast, kiss her etc.

And don't be like, I'm just gonna try to live on my own, and "bye bye mum" - this is the wrong attitude to have in my opinion. You need to just talk to your mother and share everything. She will miss you when you live by yourself and she'll feel lonely. Therefore try to be super kind to her while you're with her and inshallah everything will be alright. Realize this is a test from Allah.

[Gaius I. Caesar 5,846]

47 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

However try to understand that a lot of mothers are like that - they just don't understand the implications of their harsh and painful words.

What? Most mother are not,  it has to be an  Eastern thing. It certainly isn't the norm where I live.

[Hussaini624 855]

1 hour ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I wouldn't do that, sounds like cheating.

Salam,

How so?

[ali_fatheroforphans 2,513]

19 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

What? Most mother are not,  it has to be an  Eastern thing. It certainly isn't the norm where I live.

Well throwing maths paper away etc. Is slightly odd and just plain rude, but scolding and constant abuse is very normal (I can speak for Pakistani moms).

[Intellectual Resistance 1,028]

3 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I wouldn't do that, sounds like cheating.

I'm assuming the paper contains the questions, and the student is to answer on their own sheet of paper, or practise in that way. Even if the answers of the individual are on the paper that contains the question, they can just snap the questions and crop out the answer.

[AbdusSibtayn 312]

4 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

My Mom is also saying that she will ensure that my dad says no to my SO’s proposal for marriage and that I will go to hell and that God won’t forgive me because I’ve disobeyed her and that she’s not happy with me. 

Assalamu alaykum dear sister,

Without the slightest intent to offend/disrespect, it looks as if your mom suffers from megalomania.

There is nothing you can actually do about the situation apart from waiting for her bout of rage to subside.

As for that marriage proposal threat, don't worry too much about that. She is just trying to scare you, and hopefully your dad will be reasonable enough not to be talked into denying you the permission to marry him.

Quote

2386. In the following situations, it will not be necessary for a woman to seek the permission of her father or paternal grandfather, before getting married:
If she is not a virgin. If she is a virgin, but her father or paternal grandfather refuse to grant permission to her for marrying a man who is compatible to her in the eyes of Shariah, as well as custom. If the father and the grandfather are not in any way willing to participate in the marriage. If they are not in a capacity to give their consent, like in the case of mental illness etc. If it is not possible to obtain their permission because of their absence, or such other reasons, and the woman is eager to get married urgently.

https://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2346/

 

[Gaius I. Caesar 5,846]

7 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Well throwing maths paper away etc. Is slightly odd and just plain rude,

From what I was told and understand, there's no reason to yell at the OP and threaten to ruin her marriage for it. Seems a bit overblown and extreme to me. 

As for the math papers, it is really odd and beyond the pale of rude, it is borders on madness. I don't know why you are downplaying this behavior, that seems really strange as well.

7 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

but scolding and constant abuse is very normal (I can speak for Pakistani moms)

Maybe from a Pakistani point of view but it shouldn't be considered normal or tolerated. That what makes people crazy and more apt to kill themselves. And then people wonder why we have suicide bombers.

By the way, OP isn't Pakistani.

[ali_fatheroforphans 2,513]

6 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

don't know why you are downplaying this behavior, that seems really strange as well.

 

9 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Your mother is clearly not treating you right.

I never tried to downplay this behavior fyi. 

10 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

The best thing I can tel you is your mom has issues. 

With all due respect, a statement like this is not right imo, and not helpful at all. Your just making the OP feel that her mom is some mental patient who needs help. The OP shouldn't be treated that way and no mother should ever verbally abuse her child. However, I'm offering a solution to the OP - to be kind despite being scolded at, to hug despite having fights etc. Not to have hatred for her mom despite all the horrible stuff she experienced.

After all, her mother is not her enemy. The OP's mom surely has a very wrong way of getting her point across, but she still has some love left for the OP in her heart, just like any mother. 

[Ron_Burgundy 1,651]

Email your teach and ask her for math packet again or ask you classmate. I am not sure what you mom is going through, but she could be under a lot of stress. Therefore, forgive her actions like you want Allah to forgive yours. I could understand that you have worked hard for this, and you want to pass with good grade. However, everything happens for a reason. 

[notme 13,558]

That's just an awful thing for your mother to do. There must be something wrong with a parent who sabotages their own child's success. 

During a calm time, try to talk with your mother about your hard work in your class and how hurt you are by her actions. Maybe she will listen. 

If not, have the same conversation with your father. Maybe he will listen, talk with her, and then she will listen. It's all you can do. 

Is there somewhere else that you can study besides home? A library or student center? A friend's house? A park or coffee shop?

Do talk with the instructor. Maybe he will give you a little extra time to review before the mid term exam. Nothing is lost by asking. 

[000 286]

You shall not escape khune tekuni

[Islandsandmirrors 1,534]

I managed to get my math review from the trash when my mom wasn’t looking and I’ve been studying. Please pray for me that I’ll do well on this. 

Also, inshallah I plan to fast on Wednesday, so how long do I have to eat Suhoor? 

[Gaius I. Caesar 5,846]

8 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

After all, her mother is not her enemy. The OP's mom surely has a very wrong way of getting her point across, but she still has some love left for the OP in her heart, just like any mother. 

I wish that were true but the OP told me that her mother takes her anger out on her because of the OP's father. The sister is not responsible for the sins and wrongs against her mother by her father.

Quote

قُلْ أَغَيْرَ اللَّهِ أَبْغِي رَبًّا وَهُوَ رَبُّ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ ۚ وَلَا تَكْسِبُ كُلُّ نَفْسٍ إِلَّا عَلَيْهَا ۚ وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةٌ وِزْرَ أُخْرَىٰ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكُم مَّرْجِعُكُمْ فَيُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ فِيهِ تَخْتَلِفُونَ - 6:164

This type of behavior is not motherly love, irrational and a clear violation of this ayah^ 

 

[Islandsandmirrors 1,534]

Just took my midterm. I think I did okay. Hoping to get a good grade.