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M666

Is Istikhara mandatory before marriage

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Salam brothers and sisters, 

I have been with this Shia guy for the last 10 years, we used to talk on the phone and 2 years ago he brought my marriage proposal. His parents were hesitant at first but after a while they agreed through a lot of persuasion. They put a condition that once he has a job they will marry us. After 2 years the time of marriage finally came and only month before the marriage when everything was decided between his and my parents (date, mehr amount etc) he said that Istikhara is mandatory and without Istikhara he won’t be able to marry me. I have no problem with istakhara but after such a long time of being with me all these promises to me and my parents he says he will do Istikhara. I tried to contact his parents but they dont talk to me or even answer my calls as we live in different countries. He says that only a maulvi will do istakhara and you can’t do it. If instikhara says yes, he will marry me and if it says no he won’t marry me. I need your help. I feel like it is just an excuse because I never heard of the concept that Istikhara is mandatory. It is highly recommended but he is saying he will cancel the marriage only based on an Istikhara which he wants to do one month before marriage when everything has been decided and when he has promised me and my parents on this marriage. Please help me out because I can’t stop crying and I am really distressed.thank you 

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16 minutes ago, M666 said:

I want to leave it all and I am going to. But I want to give this all a closure. He is a disgusting person and I do not want to marry him. To end all of this he is now blaming it all on my dad. His dad and my dad had a disagreement on mehr but that got resolved. But now he is bring that up as a reason for doing istakhara. This is what he is saying: 

 

Istekhara happens all the time and everyone does it before.marriage in pakistan..I have given you example after example, with my brothers, with father and even before that

And it also became important to do istekhara casue the whole issue with mehr created a limbo state..where Your dad put the whole marriage in jeoperdy" 

 

He is basically blaming that diagreement between his dad and my dad on mehr for all this now. When it got resolved and everything became fine. He doesn't consider the time when his parents called my parents to Pakistan to insult them. My dad watching me cry everyday yet agreeing because of my happiness. His family mistreating me by not calling me or asking me how I was. And only a day or two ago his brother recomfirming that his parents in their heart don't want this marriage this is why they never spoke to you or called you.

i want to give this all a closure. I want to talk to his dad or make my dad call. Should I do that because now he is blaming everything on my dad and his intention

 

Sister only Allah has absolute knowledge of the predestined, and marriage is predestined by him. We can see this in the case of marriage of Hazrat Ali (a.s) and Bibi Fatima (A.S) : 

 

Quote

By dint of obedience and service to God, Fatima Zahra rose to the highest rank in His sight, as attested by Al-Qur’an al-Majid. God bestowed the greatest honors upon her, and the Prophet of Islam, on his part, showed her the mark of greatest respect, one which he did not show to any other man or woman at any time in his life.

When Fatima grew up, two old companions – first one and then the other – asked her father for her hand in marriage. But he turned away from them in disgust, and said:

“This matter of the marriage of Fatima, my daughter, is in the hands of Allah Himself, and He alone will select a spouse for her”.

Allah duly made His selection. He selected His slave, Ali ibn Abi Talib, to be the spouse of the daughter of His most favorite slave, Muhammad Mustafa. He wished to see Fatima bint Muhammad and Ali ibn Abi Talib married.



To me, disagreement between families (even small) before marriage already shows to you that maybe Allah is protecting you from a life full of pain. As already mentioned above

I dont want to comment on (he said/she said) and I would encourage you not to indulge in this practice aswell - because even if you are sure that the other person is wrong, our religion forbids the practice, as this is gheebah :  

Quote

Abu Dharr (r) once asked the Prophet Muhammad (s): “O Messenger of Allah, what is gheebah?
He replied: “It is to mention about your brother that which he detests.”
Abu Dharr (r) said: “O Messenger of Allah, what if that which is mentioned of him should actually be in him?
He (s) replied: “Know that when you mention that which is in him, you have committed his gheebah, and when you mention that which is not in him, then you have slandered him.”[Al-Hurr al-`Amili, Wasai'l al-Shi`ah, vol. 8, hadith no. 16312]


As I mentioned in my previous post judgement, punishment and justice is with Allah alone. Thus closure can ONLY be achieved if Allah sees that this has made you closer to HIM, his prophet and the holy progeny. If you keep a fast, if you offer your namaz, if you read quran, etc that is actual closure. 

In my opinion nothing will be gained by talking to his family. Why do you think you need their "approval". You should absolutely 100% cut complete ties with him, it is his loss that not yours. You are in your 20s, you are still quite young and should not sweat about it too much ( as you mentioned you have had proposals for you) You want to continue in your life with peace of mind, and holding your head up high in front of Allah alone, and not his family. 
 

As you can see by example I wrote above of hazrat ali a.s and hazrat fathima a.s, marriage and matches are made in heaven. Everthing Ahahl-ul-bayt a.s did was so that we can learn. So the only true closure you can get in this case is by praying to Allah, so you can get the match HE has destined for you. 

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27 minutes ago, peopleofchadar said:

 

Sister only Allah has absolute knowledge of the predestined, and marriage is predestined by him. We can see this in the case of marriage of Hazrat Ali (a.s) and Bibi Fatima (A.S) : 

 



To me, disagreement between families (even small) before marriage already shows to you that maybe Allah is protecting you from a life full of pain. As already mentioned above

I dont want to comment on (he said/she said) and I would encourage you not to indulge in this practice aswell - because even if you are sure that the other person is wrong, our religion forbids the practice, as this is gheebah :  


As I mentioned in my previous post judgement, punishment and justice is with Allah alone. Thus closure can ONLY be achieved if Allah sees that this has made you closer to HIM, his prophet and the holy progeny. If you keep a fast, if you offer your namaz, if you read quran, etc that is actual closure. 

In my opinion nothing will be gained by talking to his family. Why do you think you need their "approval". You should absolutely 100% cut complete ties with him, it is his loss that not yours. You are in your 20s, you are still quite young and should not sweat about it too much ( as you mentioned you have had proposals for you) You want to continue in your life with peace of mind, and holding your head up high in front of Allah alone, and not his family. 
 

As you can see by example I wrote above of hazrat ali a.s and hazrat fathima a.s, marriage and matches are made in heaven. Everthing Ahahl-ul-bayt a.s did was so that we can learn. So the only true closure you can get in this case is by praying to Allah, so you can get the match HE has destined for you. 

Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom. I am not trying to do that but my main question I think I wasn't a bit clear on was that he is saying that your dad created problems. I am thinking should I make my father call his father and speak to him or not? 

I have no doubt that Allah is the best judge and he will serve justice. I know as a human I have no power to do anything but Allah, being the all knowing and powerful will question him and his parents on the day of judgement for this mistreatment I have suffered. Everything he has done is a warning sign and I now believe 100% percent that Allah is saving me. I don't want to go with the marriage either because he has made me not trust him anymore. 

 

I just think that they feel like they have no one to question him and his family on what they did to me. This is why I am wondering should my father call them or not? I have suffered a lot of emotional pain because of this because the marriage was planned this month. I hope you can understand this situation. By your help I am a lot better than what I would have been right now. But I still feel that maybe my dad should call them once? So they know that I have someone and it's wrong how they are treating me. I am sorry if I am coming across desperate but I am extremely hurt. I showed him an article today on istikhara. And he said to me why are you believing articles? I don't think there is anything I can do. It's weird how someone can change within a matter of days. He is just looking for any excuse to justify the fact that istikhara is mandatory and everyone else and all the facts I have presented are false. I want to move on now but the pain is unreal and it will take a little time for me to heal. 

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7 minutes ago, M666 said:

Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom. I am not trying to do that but my main question I think I wasn't a bit clear on was that he is saying that your dad created problems. I am thinking should I make my father call his father and speak to him or not? 

I have no doubt that Allah is the best judge and he will serve justice. I know as a human I have no power to do anything but Allah, being the all knowing and powerful will question him and his parents on the day of judgement for this mistreatment I have suffered. Everything he has done is a warning sign and I now believe 100% percent that Allah is saving me. I don't want to go with the marriage either because he has made me not trust him anymore. 

 

I just think that they feel like they have no one to question him and his family on what they did to me. This is why I am wondering should my father call them or not? I have suffered a lot of emotional pain because of this because the marriage was planned this month. I hope you can understand this situation. By your help I am a lot better than what I would have been right now. But I still feel that maybe my dad should call them once? So they know that I have someone and it's wrong how they are treating me. I am sorry if I am coming across desperate but I am extremely hurt. I showed him an article today on istikhara. And he said to me why are you believing articles? I don't think there is anything I can do. It's weird how someone can change within a matter of days. He is just looking for any excuse to justify the fact that istikhara is mandatory and everyone else and all the facts I have presented are false. I want to move on now but the pain is unreal and it will take a little time for me to heal. 

I will give you the same advice, I would've given to my own sister or friend - cut all contact with him as fast as you can. You sound like a reasonable and smart girl, so just move ahead with you life. (As I dont know your father, this whole situation and his temperament) If you think that your father and his father would not get into argument, then you can ask your father to call his father and to end it amicably, otherwise if you think they will get into an argument, then I think its better to leave it as it will only end up giving you father and family more pain. 

Sister when you mention "I just think that they feel like they have no one to question him and his family on what they did to me" -  I would say it shouldn't matter to you at all what their family thinks, trust that Allah will 100% question them (in this world - in hereafter) .  You should think about yourself and what our Imam teachings are and how to keep your parents at peace. Allah is watching and he will provide justice, thus leave it to Him and let Him decide the best course. Remember you want to have a stress-free and problem-free life, which means letting this matter go(I know this is easy to say than to be able to do it). It is going to be difficult and it is going to be hard (as you said pain is unreal), but this is exactly where Allah and purity of your belief in Allah will shines through. There are many supplications at http://www.duas.org/worries.htm to help and guide you through this worrisome time. Imagine the reward Allah will give you for remembering Allah, even when the times got hard ? 
Wa-asalam

 

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On 04/02/2018 at 9:52 PM, M666 said:

Thank you so much for this. You have put my thoughts and feelings in a very articulate manner. I kind of need that because emotions are making me unable to say anything in this way. I remained quite for so long. He told me never to contact his parents, at times I would want to but I never said anything to them. Now when he is crossing all the limits I have no option but to ring his dad but he doesn't answer. I send him messages on Watsapp and because of this he is saying I am "disrespecting his parents and family". He cares about disrespect when he has completely torn me apart. All my hopes and dreams. 

I would also like to add one more thing.  before I met him, I was a regular 17-18 year old teenager. I had friends. When I started talking to him I distanced a little from all my friends because as I was in a long distance relationship (which i acknowledge was haram). He made sure my world revolved around him. Everything I did, was around him and me being naive and stupid didn't think it was bad. I did keep a few good friends which I still have now. But I kind of feel ashamed of meeting because they are all married (quite recently) and I feel a little embarrassed and left out. They know about this whole situation and can't believe him. So generally I have a very lonely life. I just go to work, come back and talk to him and then repeat. I don't have any older brother or sister, I wish there was someone there to guide me and stop me from all this but he made sure I made him my priority which was my mistake. I kept the relationship very low key that my parents didn't notice it either and when they found out it was too late. I was too emotionally invested in it. 

If he did this to me a little bit earlier I would have been okay but this has come to me as a shock. I feel like I don't have enough time. I don't want to be married when I am in my 30s. If it was upto me I would have loved to be married by the age of 25 but he didn't let that happen. Luckily i am healthy and very fortunate in other aspects of my life by the grace of Allah... So I'm sure I'll find someone but it's shameful that I have been sitting at my parents home all this time and wasting my potential for someone like him who in the end gave in to his parents. He knew his parents were everything to him so why did he string me along to follow them and their cultural practices. 

Allah has told mankind to protect women but it's clear in their household women are just seen as objects who bear children, cook and clean. If they respected me they would have atleast had the courtesy to call me but they don't even answer call. It's funny because to my dad they said they want to make me their daughter. My dad was skeptical but I was the one pushing it and telling him to believe in him and his parents. So many times I had arguments with my parents for him but for the last year I didn't because I realised that my parents mean the world to me. I said to my dad today to call his house and talk to him but he said leave it. I don't want to disrespect his dad or anyone. That is the character of my dad when he can see and hear his daughter cry everyday. My mother hears me cry everyday. 

and you are right, after all this my heart doesn't want to marry into that family. I don't trust him or his family anymore. I would not even trust them to look after my pet cat let alone myself. He said he went to another maulana today and he said he explained to him the whole situation and he will do another istikhara at the time of fajr.. I am tired of these games now. I feel sick. But on the positive side I am trying to do other things, like go out on drives, buy a few things, pray to Allah and ofcourse talk to you guys here. 

I do want to talk to his parents though to give this a closure. They just don't pick up my calls but I want to. I want to speak to them I do know that won't achieve anything because their hearts are cold. 

 

Today he he also sent me a voice clip which is apparently from someone who is a scholar of ayatollah sistani. It said that if you have done istikhara once don't do it again. He just doesn't understand the foundation of this istikhara is wrong what he did. I just can't argue with him anymore.

Lastly, @Intellectual Resistance I want to thank you for your kind words and this amazing knowledge and counselling you are providing me. I look forward to reading your feedback here and I find peace in your words. Thank you so much. May Allah bless you and give you all the happiness in this world and hereafter 

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through Sister, i can't imagine how difficult this must be. In essence, it won't be easy letting this go. If you've known someone for ten years, or a decade, that is a long time for anyone. No-one can come here and say 'just forget him and move on' because it is a little bit more complicated than that. If you are intending on ending this pursuit, and your parents clearly support you too, then you'll need to get closure from this. No Contact comes after closure.

Let me just put it this way, you've been talking to their son for a decade, and they've met you, your parents and surely, just surely after all this time even the mother could talk to you , or even talk to your mother. The silence, the lack of any real communication, is what is worrying here to be honest. All it would take is an honest, frank one hour phone call where people clearly relay their positions and qualms.

Now, as for doing Istikhara, the sad thing here is, it isn't to be done if you can ascertain someones qualities the logical way. Some scholars even seem to be a little bit against it when it comes to using it right off the bat for marriage. Even if we argue this is part of culture and goes ahead a lot, why not do it earlier ? Why not do it long before, when you had not invested so many years? If you're going to make a claim you'll reject someone over what page of the Quran their finger touches on after randomly opening it and making Dua, you'd better do that pretty early on so people know where they stand.  You don't do it after stringing someone a long for such a long time, you do it early on if at all - and i don't think it should even be done in most cases when it comes to Marriage.

I'm pretty sure you are aware of this, but when a South-Asian prospective Mother in Law wants to make you like her daughter, and i speak generally and not for this case, it will usually translate to a glorified maid. You will not have autonomy, you will not feel free and independent in making decisions with your husband, because the infamous MIL (mother in law) will exert her power and control and authority, and the moment you step outside of any norm she has, or a way of doing things, you will pay for that. Sometimes they can be passive-aggressive and give you the cold shoulder, other times they can back-bite about you to their sons and cause rifts and arguments. Look, maybe this doesn't always happen but i say it happens way too often. 

This is another red-flag. How can you tell someone an Istikhara has come out bad, but you're going to go ahead and do another one with the same intention? Is it like rolling dice now when playing snakes-and ladders, where you're going to keep rolling until you get the number you want? That is emotional abuse and throws people into uncertainty and confusion. That's my opinion honestly. There are far more valid ways to ascertain if people are compatible and will work long term - or the likelihood of that. If a potential marriage puts someone in so much confusion and doubt that one could argue an Istikhara is needed, that itself is a red-flag.

Whatever you decide, you will definitely need closure. You will need direct communication, and your parents too with their parents. It is very important how you're going to seek out this closure, and i totally agree with your need for that. We are all praying for you here, and this is definitely a difficult situation to be going through right now Sister. Time does heal, even darkness must pass, and keep faith in Allah [swt], maybe some good could be coming out of this. 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, M666 said:

Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom. I am not trying to do that but my main question I think I wasn't a bit clear on was that he is saying that your dad created problems. I am thinking should I make my father call his father and speak to him or not? 

I have no doubt that Allah is the best judge and he will serve justice. I know as a human I have no power to do anything but Allah, being the all knowing and powerful will question him and his parents on the day of judgement for this mistreatment I have suffered. Everything he has done is a warning sign and I now believe 100% percent that Allah is saving me. I don't want to go with the marriage either because he has made me not trust him anymore. 

 

I just think that they feel like they have no one to question him and his family on what they did to me. This is why I am wondering should my father call them or not? I have suffered a lot of emotional pain because of this because the marriage was planned this month. I hope you can understand this situation. By your help I am a lot better than what I would have been right now. But I still feel that maybe my dad should call them once? So they know that I have someone and it's wrong how they are treating me. I am sorry if I am coming across desperate but I am extremely hurt. I showed him an article today on istikhara. And he said to me why are you believing articles? I don't think there is anything I can do. It's weird how someone can change within a matter of days. He is just looking for any excuse to justify the fact that istikhara is mandatory and everyone else and all the facts I have presented are false. I want to move on now but the pain is unreal and it will take a little time for me to heal. 

And when you get closure, even if you aren't able to fully exercise your full upset at the betrayal, remember that Allah is there, he is a witness to all of this, and almost everyone who has posted on this thread has come to a consensus that you have been totally toyed with here. You can leave - if you do - with your head held hight , you played your part, you did what you could, and this will be their loss. Had it been your fault, you might have regretted this a lot, and found it much more difficult to get over.

 

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@Intellectual Resistance thank you so much for your response. You have no idea how much your feedback here makes me feel stronger and stronger day by day. You know exactly how I feel. You are right. For a decade he promised me marriage and then he bought it all down to istikhara where a maulana who he barely knows would flick the Quran and pick out the surrah and then from there they will perceive what they want to perceive. It is total injustice. His statement changed from time to time. First it was wajib, then it became inportant and a part of culture in their house, and lastly it was all down to my dad. It just didn't seem right. I will giving this a closure by making my dad speak to his dad. It has to be done. My parents are my guardians and my father is my protector. They need to speak to my father. No one plays games with someone else's child like that.esp for this long. 

 

I do understand why people are telling me to forget about him. They want the best for me and that is the ideal thing to do. But in this case where someone's emotions have been played for 10 years it is a little complicated. 

 

When I said to him why didn't you do istikhara earlier he said he didn't know That it was important. He did know everyone in his family did it but he didn't know that it will come out bad. He said everyone in his family was ready for the wedding but the evidence suggest otherwise, as in his parents not contacting me at all during the time he made me his fiancé, and his brother confirmed that his parents did not want this marriage in their heart and only spoke to my parents because he forced it. 

 

I really don't know what made him change his mind. He always stood up to me but now this istikhara situation has made him follow the wrong thing. He has turned a blind eye to all the facts and he keeps saying that Allah doesn't want this marriage so I won't do it. He also said to me that he will do second istikhara. He did that by asking a maulana and apparently he did that and it came out bad. He also asked someone in Kerbala and that istikhara was bad too. Every istikhara was bad and he said that is a sign that Allah doesn't want this marriage. Something bad will happen to us if we get married. So we shouldn't go ahead with it. Allah is not happy with this marriage. He said that if you email ayotallah sistani and get a response from him then I will consider not following the istikhara. I will have to show his response to my dad and my family and then prove them that I could marry her. You know what the sad thing is. There is no sadness or remorse in his voice. He thinks he is not accountable for what he has done because the istikhara was bad. I just can't deal with this. I feel sick. I can't stop crying. 

 

I will make my dad ring his dad and have a word. I also wrote an email to sistani.org. It is so sad what he is doing. I feel like now he is just wasting more time. Thank you so much for your duas. I do feel the impact of them. I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I just don't know how to respond to his situation right now. 

Edited by M666

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On 5 February 2018 at 8:38 PM, peopleofchadar said:

I will give you the same advice, I would've given to my own sister or friend - cut all contact with him as fast as you can. You sound like a reasonable and smart girl, so just move ahead with you life. (As I dont know your father, this whole situation and his temperament) If you think that your father and his father would not get into argument, then you can ask your father to call his father and to end it amicably, otherwise if you think they will get into an argument, then I think its better to leave it as it will only end up giving you father and family more pain. 

Sister when you mention "I just think that they feel like they have no one to question him and his family on what they did to me" -  I would say it shouldn't matter to you at all what their family thinks, trust that Allah will 100% question them (in this world - in hereafter) .  You should think about yourself and what our Imam teachings are and how to keep your parents at peace. Allah is watching and he will provide justice, thus leave it to Him and let Him decide the best course. Remember you want to have a stress-free and problem-free life, which means letting this matter go(I know this is easy to say than to be able to do it). It is going to be difficult and it is going to be hard (as you said pain is unreal), but this is exactly where Allah and purity of your belief in Allah will shines through. There are many supplications at http://www.duas.org/worries.htm to help and guide you through this worrisome time. Imagine the reward Allah will give you for remembering Allah, even when the times got hard ? 
Wa-asalam

 

I Am so grateful for your advice. I truly am. I don't think I would have chosen a better platform to discuss this issue than here. Everyone including yourself is genuine and your advice has helped me a lot. 

My father is a very soft spoken man and he can be stern when he wants to. I don't think there will be any problems if they spoke on the phone because I believe it is important. They disrespected me and their son disrespected my time as girl. They said that in the end Allah is not happy therefore this marriage won't go ahead. Do they think I am stupid? Using Islam as a means to fulfil their personal desires. So blinded by facts that their son is happy to have no accountability for what he has done to me. I just can't stop crying thinking about this. 

 

Inshallah I know he will be question and justice will be served. I have faith in Allah and you are right I shouldn't waste anymore time. It is time to move on. But 10 years of my life were very precious. Thank you so much for the link for duas. I am gonna read them all and ask Allah to show me the right path. 

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Has anyone written an email or asked a question via emailing English@sistani.org?  If so how long does the reply come through? 

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17 minutes ago, M666 said:

Has anyone written an email or asked a question via emailing English@sistani.org?  If so how long does the reply come through? 

Question: What is istikhara? :/ I still don't get it. All this rant, and I never bothered to read, feelsbadman.

Second: I am sorry to read your story, hope things goes well!

To Allah do we return!

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4 minutes ago, Hamodiii said:

Question: What is istikhara? :/ I still don't get it. All this rant, and I never bothered to read, feelsbadman.

Second: I am sorry to read your story, hope things goes well!

To Allah do we return!

In summary, istikhara is asking Allah for his guidance. It can be as simple as a dua or using Quran if your are extremely confused. I think others have done an outstanding job in explaining it all so if you read through this thread you will get the answer is much greater depth. 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. Keep me in your prayers please 

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22 minutes ago, M666 said:

In summary, istikhara is asking Allah for his guidance. It can be as simple as a dua or using Quran if your are extremely confused. I think others have done an outstanding job in explaining it all so if you read through this thread you will get the answer is much greater depth. 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. Keep me in your prayers please 

I will pray for you, for sure! That If Allah will accept my dua. :cry:

Hope you stay strong, Allah has better plans, so don't doubt Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى!

May Allah have mercy upon you.

Edited by Hamodiii

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49 minutes ago, Hamodiii said:

I will pray for you, for sure! That If Allah will accept my dua. :cry:

Hope you stay strong, Allah has better plans, so don't doubt Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى!

May Allah have mercy upon you.

Thank you, I am sure Allah will accept it because I know everyone here has a pure heart. You guys don't have to spend your precious time helping, listening, consoling and advising me yet you still do out of good heart. I am extremely grateful. 

Thank you, I will try. I know Allah will give me strength to go through this tough time in my life 

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1 minute ago, M666 said:

Thank you, I am sure Allah will accept it because I know everyone here has a pure heart. You guys don't have to spend your precious time helping, listening, consoling and advising me yet you still do out of good heart. I am extremely grateful. 

Thank you, I will try. I know Allah will give me strength to go through this tough time in my life 

Nothing is a hard for a believer! Even death is a blessing! To Allah do we return!

Stay strong and motivated! Even with a bleeding heart, smile please! Remember Imam Hussein, remember how he felt? I am not saying your struggles are irrelevant, but remembering them will surely make you remember that you are living in paradise comparing to him! 

Thanks for being Shia in this injust world, that West is calling freedom! All I see is manipulation and critical thinkers with half a brain.

May I ask If you can pray for me? I kind of need it! Thanks, sister in the advance!

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4 minutes ago, Hamodiii said:

Nothing is a hard for a believer! Even death is a blessing! To Allah do we return!

Stay strong and motivated! Even with a bleeding heart, smile please! Remember Imam Hussein, remember how he felt? I am not saying your struggles are irrelevant, but remembering them will surely make you remember that you are living in paradise comparing to him! 

Thanks for being Shia in this injust world, that West is calling freedom! All I see is manipulation and critical thinkers with half a brain.

May I ask If you can pray for me? I kind of need it! Thanks, sister in the advance!

Exactly, no pain is bigger than the sacrifice of Imam Hussein... We live in so much comfort and when something happens that is not going our way we think it is the biggest problem. Allah has blessed me with so much. I have a roof over my head and loving parents. So many people in this world don't even have the basics in life. I am always grateful to Allah. Even in this tough time, it could have been a lot worse. And maybe Allah has something better in store for me. I trusted that guy so much and I never thought he would deceive me in the end. I always found it hard to trust people and now I don't think I can trust anyone but my parents. 

 

And dont worry, I will pray for you. Everyone in this thread, including yourself who has contributed in one way or another has really helped me. From my heart, I have nothing but sincere duas for you. I pray that whatever problems or issues you have in your life, may Allah make things easy for you. Inshallah 

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8 minutes ago, M666 said:

Exactly, no pain is bigger than the sacrifice of Imam Hussein... We live in so much comfort and when something happens that is not going our way we think it is the biggest problem. Allah has blessed me with so much. I have a roof over my head and loving parents. So many people in this world don't even have the basics in life. I am always grateful to Allah. Even in this tough time, it could have been a lot worse. And maybe Allah has something better in store for me. I trusted that guy so much and I never thought he would deceive me in the end. I always found it hard to trust people and now I don't think I can trust anyone but my parents. 

 

And dont worry, I will pray for you. Everyone in this thread, including yourself who has contributed in one way or another has really helped me. From my heart, I have nothing but sincere duas for you. I pray that whatever problems or issues you have in your life, may Allah make things easy for you. Inshallah 

I have done nothing, cause I didn't understand what the issue was, just that the guy was a joke. Allah didn't create us to decieve girls, and manipulate guys!

Hope you find a guy that you love, and a guy who can comfort you when you need him! The best gift Allah can give a man in this life is a pious woman, cause a woman can easily lead the guy to the right path! There this christian girl who became Shia, and when her son and husband observed they became Muslim in the end! Don't ever think you are weak cause you are a woman, cause when a guy is weak, sometimes the female becomes his comfort! May Allah be pleased with you! We manly strong physcially, but in mind some are weak. That displays on how we chase our desires, and chase women! 

MAY Allah BLESS YOU!

Mashallah

Thank you! Highly appreciated!

Edited by Hamodiii

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20 hours ago, M666 said:

I Am so grateful for your advice. I truly am. I don't think I would have chosen a better platform to discuss this issue than here. Everyone including yourself is genuine and your advice has helped me a lot. 

My father is a very soft spoken man and he can be stern when he wants to. I don't think there will be any problems if they spoke on the phone because I believe it is important. They disrespected me and their son disrespected my time as girl. They said that in the end Allah is not happy therefore this marriage won't go ahead. Do they think I am stupid? Using Islam as a means to fulfil their personal desires. So blinded by facts that their son is happy to have no accountability for what he has done to me. I just can't stop crying thinking about this. 

 

Inshallah I know he will be question and justice will be served. I have faith in Allah and you are right I shouldn't waste anymore time. It is time to move on. But 10 years of my life were very precious. Thank you so much for the link for duas. I am gonna read them all and ask Allah to show me the right path. 

Sister why are you wasting more of you time ? that guy proved to you that he is not worthy of you, and is acting like a loser. You are much better off without him and in a relationship which has been blessed by Allah. As they say "Leave these things to Allah", leave your trust in him, and Allah is the best to question and hold that person accountable. We are all praying for you.

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21 hours ago, M666 said:

 But in this case where someone's emotions have been played for 10 years it is a little complicated. 

If you trust in Allah, then give these 10 years as a sadqa for the happiness you will get in the rest of you life. These 10 years are nothing compared to the (inshallah) 70 - 80 years you still have left. Why be with someone, or with a family, who will cause you pain. Will you accept suffering for the rest of your life for these 10 years ? I think Allah is saving you ( as Allah has knowledge of the hidden). 

 

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On ‎1‎/‎31‎/‎2018 at 9:08 PM, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

Salaam Alaykum Sister

Istikharah is not mandatory. Even if you do Istikharah and it was bad, you can act against it. It is not Haraam(but you need to pay a big Sadaqah before).

I don't believe in doing Istikharah for marriage. When you are sure, do marriage and don't worry.

It is not correct that they took your time this long time and finally say, Istikharah. Try to contact them. Talk with your parents and ask them to call their family. One of the Shia scholars said:" I never did Istikharah on my daughters marriages".

ISTIKHARAH IS NOT MANDATORY.

Brother what does Istikharah mean?

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11 hours ago, Zulfiqar Christian said:

Brother what does Istikharah mean?

Sometimes there are some events in your life happening that you need to make a decision. You do your research and ask help from other people, but you are still unsure about what to do. You make a decision, but you want to know is that correct or not. In these cases, there is something called Istikhara in religion that has its own CONDITIONS and PROCEDURE. You THEN open Quran and based on the definition, interpretation, and history of that verse, you decide whether doing your intention or not.

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On 7 February 2018 at 6:58 PM, peopleofchadar said:

Sister why are you wasting more of you time ? that guy proved to you that he is not worthy of you, and is acting like a loser. You are much better off without him and in a relationship which has been blessed by Allah. As they say "Leave these things to Allah", leave your trust in him, and Allah is the best to question and hold that person accountable. We are all praying for you.

I don't know! I am still in disbelief that he did all that to me. I trusted him a lot and he played games. Even now he is playing games. He is saying to me that his dad has cut the Internet connection off, that he is arguing with his dad everyday and there are a lot of fights in his house over this. I don't get why he is saying that. A true man esp of his age would not play these childish games. One minute he says things are finished next minute he says he will try for me and that he is praying everyday. He is confusing me I don't know what he is upto? I don't know if all of this is true or not. 

 

Thank you for praying for me. You know what I can see you guys are praying for me because I haven't cried as much as I thought I would. I would be lost but I feel like I am not even though I feel really down and upset. Thank you for your duas. Means a lot to me. 

 

You are right! Allah may be saving me. If his parents could go this far that they arrange the wedding and then cancel because of istikhara then maybe imagine if I was married to him they made him divorce me and then I would have probably found no one. Atleast now I have a chance to restart things but it would have been too late then. He is saying that he will do what ayatollah sistani says but I have no time for that now. He makes me feel sick. He really ruined my life but inshallah I'll pick myself up and start again. As you said maybe someone better for me is waiting 

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On 2/7/2018 at 11:13 AM, M666 said:

Exactly, no pain is bigger than the sacrifice of Imam Hussein... We live in so much comfort and when something happens that is not going our way we think it is the biggest problem. Allah has blessed me with so much. I have a roof over my head and loving parents. So many people in this world don't even have the basics in life. I am always grateful to Allah. Even in this tough time, it could have been a lot worse. And maybe Allah has something better in store for me. I trusted that guy so much and I never thought he would deceive me in the end. I always found it hard to trust people and now I don't think I can trust anyone but my parents. 

 

And dont worry, I will pray for you. Everyone in this thread, including yourself who has contributed in one way or another has really helped me. From my heart, I have nothing but sincere duas for you. I pray that whatever problems or issues you have in your life, may Allah make things easy for you. Inshallah 

Sister, 

There are many good mumin brothers out there who will not deceive you. You have to believe that. If you become bitter, it will lessen your chances of finding someone in the future. Don't judge all men (or even all Pakistani men) based on your experiences with this one. 

There is something which I have found to be 100% true in life. If you trust in Allah(s.w.a), He(s.w.a) will give you something better in return for what He(s.w.a) took away. But this good thing that is coming your way will only reach you (and it has already started moving toward you) if you have Tawwakul(Trust in Allah(s.w.a)) and Sabr(patience). Those are the key. With these two qualities, if you uphold them, you will see doors open that you never expected to open. 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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28 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

Sister, 

There are many good mumin brothers out there who will not deceive you. You have to believe that. If you become bitter, it will lessen your chances of finding someone in the future. Don't judge all men (or even all Pakistani men) based on your experiences with this one. 

There is something which I have found to be 100% true in life. If you trust in Allah(s.w.a), He(s.w.a) will give you something better in return for what He(s.w.a) took away. But this good thing that is coming your way will only reach you (and it has already started moving toward you) if you have Tawwakul(Trust in Allah(s.w.a)) and Sabr(patience). Those are the key. With these two qualities, if you uphold them, you will see doors open that you never expected to open. 

 

I am sure there are many nice men out there but here in the UK, everyone is so corrupt and further away from the religion (not judging but they indulge in haram acts) and those who are close to the religion are way too extreme. There is no middle ground. I am 28 and I am really really worried. I feel like I don't have time anymore. This guy wasted so much of my time trying to convince his parents and in the end left me empty handed only because of bad istikhara which he says he can't go against unless ayatollah sistani ( who he has emailed) says he can. I don't have time. He messages me and says he can't stop crying. If someone really wants you they don't cry they make it happen. I am so confused. 

Please keep me in your prayers, I have trust in Allah that whatever will happen will happen for the best inshallah. To be honest I still can't believe this whole thing what has just happened. I still haven't got over the shock yet. 

Edited by M666

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A little update. 

he contacted me and said that why did you message my dad. (I messaged his did on Watsapp and tried to call him when they said they will do istikhara). He said why have you called him and messaged him. Because of you there are now so many arguements in my house. My parents are arguing with me everyday. Why can't you be happy with the will of Allah in the bad istikhara. In my house istikhara was important that's why I have done it. It came out bad, it said "no" and that's Allahs will. It is not my fault, I tried to get us married but now istikhara is bad so I can't do anything about it. 

 

he is basically telling me that istikhara said no now he is not to blame and has always been loyal. He is blaming istikhara than himself on not marrying me. 

Edited by M666

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Guest Nats_kfvs

Dear sister assalamu alaykum:

I went through what you are experiencing. Don't force it. Stop thinking that you invested too much time to let it go. I believe Allah swt in his infinite mercy is saving you from these people. People that play with others and waste their lives do not fear Allah.

Allah swt will provide for you a great man with a family worthy of you. A man that knows and fears Allah well enough not to do such low things as these people did to you. Please move on with faith in Allah as HE will help you heal and grow from this experience. I understand 100% how difficult it is to let go of a situation like this where your mind is so confused and messed up due to all the nonsense you have tried to deal with. 

Allah swt rewarded me greatly after letting go of my situation that was VERY similar to yours, including having my wedding cancelled days before it was supposed to take place.

Believe it or not, I thank Allah almost EVERY DAY even after many years for having taken me away from that man and his family that disrespected my family and myself and almost made me lose my sanity. Allah provided for me a wonderful husband and we have been married many years with much joy.

May Allah give u the strenght soon enough to start your new life. 

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